Until now my Mom has been blessed with a painless progression of her dementia and other health issues, except pain related to the broken hip two years ago.

Now she seems to be in pain all the time, and is getting injections. It is the fact that her muscles are so atrophied that there is no padding on her - the fat layer is gone too - so every time any part of her body touches anything, it hurts.

Soon she will be bedridden. This is just the next step on this downward slope. Oh how I just wish she could pass on peacefully in her sleep or sitting in her wheelchair outside, enjoying the trees and flowers ... lying in bed will be really awful for her.

My sister says she can't get to NY for health reasons, Who am I to judge her? It is obvious that she cannot stand to see Mom in this condition, so let her be. She'll come later, when it's all over. I have no need to be annoyed at her any more.

I never knew how long dying could take. Mom has not been responding to her heart meds since December, and has been steadily losing weight since April - how much longer???

Love,

Martha

Oh Martha, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.

I believe that God gives a special place in heaven to those who suffer like your dear mom. I also believe that when a person holds on for so long, they're holding on until they know that it's ok to go. With my grandma who also had dementia, I told her that it was ok to let go, that it hurt me to see her in so much pain and I knew she was waiting for me. I told her not to wait for me and that I knew she'd be watching over me from her special place in heaven. I told her how peaceful and serene heaven was and that I would see her again when I got there. Then I told her that I loved her. She died that night.

Is it possible your mom is holding on until she gets the ok from others? I think it is. You gave your blessing to her. And I'm sure Bill has done the same. It could be that she's waiting for Elsie. Your mom may need her to say it's ok to go. If Elsie can't get there, maybe she can do it on the phone. Your mom is fighting very hard and I think this may be why. She needs to know that it's ok. She needs everyone's blessing.

I know this may sound crazy but I really believe that by everyone giving your dear mom 'permission' to let go, it'll aleviate her fears and she'll feel more at peace and be more willing to let go.

You're in my prayers, dear friend. I'm saying very special prayers for your dear mom that God will lift her pain from her and bring her ever so gently to Him.

Love, Barb

I am truly sorry that your mom, you, and your family have to go through this Martha. Know my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. I agree with Barb. When you allow them to go it is good for all of you. I do hope you and your Mom are past the pain soon. Again... I will keep you and Barb both in my prayers.

Love, Deb

Hello my old friend,

I am very sorry for you and your family, that your mom is in pain. Do you have hospice up there? If so, you should call them, Tuesday! They would really help your mom to not be in pain.

My dad just died on Tuesday of last week. We called Hospice on the Saturday before. As soon as they came, they gave him morphine for his pain. He was never in pain again. It was given to him in a solution that was absorbed in his mouth. No swallowing and no shots!

This is just my opinion. The day he died, his regular minister/preacher came and prayed with him and in the afternoon, the hospice chaplain came and gave him another prayer with my mom present. He died not too long after. We had all been telling him, that it was finally his chance to go home! He had been wanting to go home, for several months!!!

I hope that you are not too sad for your mom. Just be sad for yourself, because she will have gone home soon. It is ok to be out of pain, and out in her bed. You and your brother and possibly sis, can still talk to her and tell her that you love her and that she can go now. I know that the dying person can hear when we are talking to them.

I am so glad that you had a chance to go and visit with your mom, towards the end. My heart is with you. Take care.

Love, Wannabe

Thanks for your good wishes, friends.

Yes, Mom has been told by all of us that it is OK to go, but I don't know if she remembers it.

Yes, Hospice is in charge of her case right in the NH. But thus far she has not received any morphine. She is scheduled for a doctor's exam today, and maybe that will change.

My condolences on the loss of your father, ToBeFree. He is now free!

Love,

Martha

Wannabe...so sorry for your loss...and thank you for taking the time to share your Father's life with us.

Martha...such a long journey this has been. I have family who choose not to visit my Mom also...and have a difficult time accepting their "it's too hard" excuses. Do they think my visits are easy?!?

I'm glad you have no "I wish I would have's" in your Mother's situation! You have been the strength your brother has needed...and he has been yours. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.........Pam;)

Martha:

I have been away again this week visiting my Mom and have been monitoring the situation with your Mom when I get a chance to check in. I am sorry your Mom is in pain and I know it seems so unfair that they suffer. When they have already lost so much, you just want them to go easily but it just doesn't seem to work that way. I hope by now she is on pain medication (morphine or something similar) as it does make them rest more easily. It is terrible to see them cringe with every touch. My Dad had the same experience and I just hoped it would be over for him as soon as possible. I just told him over and over that I loved him and was there and that I would stay with him until it was time for him to go on without me. I reassured him everything would be okay, that I would look after Mom and that I was not afraid for him to go. Just as he passed, he looked as peaceful as he had in months, with no more pain. It will end soon Martha, stay strong. Thinking of you. Shirley

Wannabe, I'm so sorry for your loss!!!! Please know that your dad is in peace now and not suffering anymore. I lost my brother suddenly on Sept 7th and the only thing that's easing my pain now is knowing that my brother has the peace and freedom that always seemed to illude him in this life.

Love, Barb

The constant trips to the NH to visit Mom lying in bed and dying is taking a huge toll on my brother. He asked our sister to come. She had been planning a quick trip around Mom's 99th birthday,Oct 22, but no one believes Mom can last that long.

NOW the sister sends a note to Bill, saying that because of her blood pressure problems she can't come until NOVEMBER. We are pretty sure November will be too late. I guess she just can't stand to see Mom in this condition - but neither can Bill, and he keeps on going!

Always disappointed in E's responses, I am trying my best not to judge her or condemn her, perhaps she is just too weak to stand what is happening from close up. I may return to NY in the near future.

To be honest, I do not think MOM can stand hanging on to life until November!

Love,
Martha

Bless you Martha and your brother!! You have gone through so much and continue to be strong. You are right when you said there are some people that are less capable of visiting than others. Nobody wants to see their loved one in that condition but some of us can walk through our own pain better than others. Remember that your sister is doing the best that she can. Each of you have to take this walk in your own way. You, nor your borther, will regret the time you have spent with your Mom. Yous sister has to find her own way.

I keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers Martha. I wish for you an easy ending with the creativity and energy you need to get through these last days.

Love you, Deb

Martha, I am so proud of you!!! You've come a long way since the days when you were caregiver. I commend you in your efforts to accept things as they are when it comes to E. Sometimes that's really hard to do. I really do think that E is not capable of seeing your mom the way she is now. E probably has lost the ability to insulate herself with denial. Seeing your mom in the condition she's in now may be too much for E.

What about E's family? Can one of her children go to NY and spend some time with their grandma?

Have to go lie down now. Just got back from the doctor. Sinus, upper resperatory and double ear infections along with bronchitis. Ugggghhhhh!!!!:dizzy:

Love, Barb

Strange as it may seem, none of E (sister)'s 3 children have visited Mom, sent her any cards, called her on the phone or anything else since she began to get confused. I was still living with her at that time, and I do not know what my sister told them, but they all cut off contact with both me, Mom, and Bill. One lives in PA and could come to NY in a couple of hours. The other 2 live far away, VA and NV .. but a phonecall? A card? A Letter?

I am astonished. Mom visted them in their childhood for about a week every year (that was all my sister could stand of "Mom's non stop talking" .. how I wish she was here non stop talking to me right now!) ...

I think they wanted to stay out of the 'does she have dementia or is Martha making it all up"? controversy, so they just disappeared from Mom's life. Until then, maybe 2003, the granddaughter in PA used to invite Mom to visit them for a long weekend every Spring, and met her at the train station. Incomprehensible. We are almost sure that after Mom passes away, there will be no contact any more between any of E's family - 3 kids, 3 spouses, 2 grandchildren so far - and myself, Bill and our families ....

How sad. Did the demon Alzheimer's also break up this family? Looks like it ...

Love,

Martha

PS GET WELL!

I am sorry for your ordeal and it is so hard to watch and feel so helpless. My dad fought his dying process he was wild and belligerent and so confused but we all knew it was because he just didn't want to go ...he loved his family and wanted to stay with us and his grandkids but he had to be in a NH just simply because he could no longer walk and mom couldn't take care of him anymore. So we visited every day and every day we watched him struggle and one day my oldest daughter(40yr) found herself alone with grandpa(a rare moment) and she so loved her grandpa...she spent so many of her years camping and summer vacations with them and he never missed being there for every birthday she ever had(no one ever knew why but they would be there)...anyway as they sat there together she listened to his confused conversation and watched him struggle and then she had a quiet conversation with him and told him it was ok for him to let go...that is was ok to just let go and be at peace. Within a few days he quietly passed and I don't know if it was because he understood in confusion it was ok or that it was just his time but sometimes they just need to know that everyone is taken care of and it's ok to let go. Take care.

Hi Martha,
I'm so sorry to hear your mother is in pain. It's so hard to deal with. I too admire your thoughts on your sisters way of dealing with your mom. I remember you telling me about your sister when I first came to this site. You are actually the first person I ever spoke to here.
As you saw from my last post, my family has been disintegrated by this illness as well. And also I've wondered that while all my grandmothers "children" are fighting among themselves, why couldnt her grandchildren go and visit her? She must have about 10 of them over there. All of them live within a 10 minute drive. I spend more time talking to her on the phone (or trying to anyways)....in a week, than they've all done in the last six months combined. It is just so sad. My uncle says he found her alone in the middle of the night in the hallway in her underwear, with her hands on her head, saying over and over "Oh dear God where has my family gone?". It is heartbreaking!! What this illness does to a family is incredible. I believe too that everyone deals with it in their own way, but I feel it is wrong for certain family members to sit back and watch other family members become ill themselves, give up their own lives, and not even attempt to help. No one likes to watch this happen, but I guess, some of us are tougher than others. I think it's good for you to take that approach with your sister, that she's handling it her way. It will only do you harm to be upset about it. And I'm sure you've spent enough time doing that, as I know that's whats happened in my family.
God bless Martha, I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Love, Caroline xo

Thanks to everyone who consoled me about my fathers death. I am not feeling too much grief and my mom is not either. I imagine it will attack us in the near future. But, just think of where you loved one will go and will no longer have any pain, loss of dignity, and be unable to walk!

Martha, I am so sorry that your moms illness is lasting so long. I am sure it is taking its toll on you and your brother. Please, if the hospice nurses have not given your mom morphine, please make them do it!!! She should not ever (even for 15 min) be in any pain. I could not stand for my dad to grimace, and I stayed with the hospice nurses, until the morphine came...

If your mom can be given it or is being given enuf morphine, she will feel no pain, and she will not mind being in bed. She will be like in a coma, but can still hear people talking to her. Tell your brother to insist. No pain!!!!!

Take care of you. I will be thinking about you and your brother and know that your mom will soon be to her home of all homes...

Love, Wannabe:angel: That is your Martha and your bro.

Martha, I am sorry for the pain that you and your mom are dealing with right now. I hope you both find peace soon.
I am currently dealing with a brother & his family, who sounds very much like your sister and her family. I really believe that my brothers inability to deal with my dads illness and the guilt he is feeling because he can't deal with it, is whats making him disconnect for our situation. I recently found out that his own wife had no clue about my dads further progression. Appearently, my brother doesn't even talk to his own wife about it, how sad is that. I have come to the conclusion that I am probably better off going it alone than with a person who wants to believe that there is no problem.
It sounds like you have done a wonderful job taking care of your mom which I'm sure will be a great comfort to you in the future.