You would think after 20 years of fibro that I would
know how to handle this. My husband is great with helping me out. He askes me several times a day how I
feel. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but
I tell him the truth. I'm just so tired of dealing with this. People, I know, ask me how I feel and sometimes I tell them the truth and sometimes I feel
like they could care less so why tell them. I'm just so confused on how to answer. I know my 29 year old
daughter doesn't want to know. When I listen to my
answer to these people, I think of myself as a complaining person.

I don't have FMS, but have often wrestled with this question. In order to determine which answer (the social, pleasant, polite or the real) to use, I go with how well I know them. Most of the time, even with those that I know it is in conversion before I say anything in detail beyond "Oh, okay" or "the usual". It's hard even in the doctor's office to say "I really feel like crud." We as humans are well trained to be careful of getting label of complainer attached to us. The label means the bearer is anti-social. My daughter, who has FMS, just said the answer is to lie, except to your doctor. It's easier because it takes too much energy to explain.

I know the feeling. I've been going downhill lately - and people frequently ask how I'm feeling/doing. If we're face to face, I think it's pretty obvious I feel like crappola. My life seems to revolve around doctor's appointments and finding the ability to do any sort of normal activity.

Despite how I feel, I try to keep an upbeat attitude. I don't have the energy to "fake it" and pretend that everything's just peachy, but I usually respond with "thanks for asking, it's the same old same old".

Those close to me/those that care, can usually see/hear the truth and may follow up with "how are you REALLY doing?"

Part of me doesn't like to hear myself say that I am feeling worse - I don't like the negativity/confirmation of it. (Part of the reason why I won't file for disability...)

So many people don't care. So many people just ask to be courteous. But sometime we need someone to ask and really care and listen, even if we sound like a whining broken record.

I hope you find a way to resolve this - Take care and keep us posted. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

If I don't feel up to an appointment/engagement/activity, I just tell the truth, but keep details out unless asked. So I say, "Sorry, not feeling very well, can't make it." I figured it shld matter nothing to me if the person thinks I'm an anti-social, boring person, as long as I know I had good, valid reasons for escaping (like how you have gd, valid reasons to skip an appt to attend to a sick child. Except in this case, you're attending to a sick adult).

If the person knows abt my condition (e.g. I have mentioned it to her before in the spirit of sharing), I might go: "Having fibro pains, darn, can't make it."
With my family, I'm more myself, but I don't see my parents often enough to become a real nuisance (not in same household). My husband, well, he's the long-suffering one. When my feet or hands hurt, I'd tell him, and sometimes try to get a foot/hand massage by whining (actually, I ask directly: "Can I have a foot message?"). He usually complies. My trick is to ask for it while he's semi-busy, like when we're watching TV, then massaging becomes less of a chore and more of a minor inconvenience - and cld even be subconsciously deemed an act of devotion! Actually, truth is, when you're concentrating on something else (the plot of a movie), you don't realise you're working part-time. It's like how you can eat bags of popcorn and wonder where the food went when the show's over.

But seriously, to my boss, I tell the truth, though in vague terms, and I've always taken pains to give the impression that I'm trying my best to get better (which is true). Ever since getting treatment, I've been doing much better, so tt helps, too.

Yes, scbagrrrl, sometimes, we really need someone who'd really understand to listen to us whine. But it's tough, since the fibropack is a diverse lot themselves. And where I come from, I seem to be the only one inflicted with these strange bodily reactions. And I often suspect I don't have FM but somethng else the doctors failed to pick up.

Hmmm, if you feel down, and am not sure what to say to others, take a nap, if you can. Then you may feel better and the problem may just become a non-issue (with some luck) or, you may be more decisive abt your next move. Problem is we only get this luxury on a weekend (for those still well enough to work). Gd luck! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Thanks so much for the info. I feel better about the
whole situation now. Well, no; but at least, it's a
more positive answer.

i have CFS and often wonder what to do when faced with this question, in the end i got my friends to ask if i was on a good or bad day rather than a 'how re you', i tend to find it easier to answer like 'the same as usual' or 'a good day compaired to normal' or 'worse than normal'

How abt this?
a) Well-meaning friend: How are you?
Fibromyalgion: I have my good days and my bad. This is a bad day/somewhere in between. (If you want to be truthful)
Friend: How come?
Fibromyalgion: I have this medical condition that makes me tired and ache all over. I'm having a flare now, but don't worry, you can't catch it from me.
Friend: Oh, sorry to hear that. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

b) Well-meaning acquaintance: How are you?
Fibromyalgion: I'm OK. (If your illness really has no consequence on this meeting, and so mentioning it cld be pointless unless you want to entertain further probes)

c) Well-meaning pal: How are you? Dinner tonight?
Fibromyalgion: I'm sorry, I'm not feeling very well and need to rest tonight. (No need to mention FM. With a really close friend, though, I suggest you just be yourself. Close friends accept you for who you are - fibro, warts and all! If they think you're being a pain - no pun intended - they'll tell you!!!!!)

Hope this helps.

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Thank each one of you who's taken the time to help me
out on this. The reply's have all been helpful.

I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you.
Please write me back and let me know what you decided.

I liked the reply given to say "the usual". One that I like to use with family and close friends is one I picked up at a support meeting. Its using the old "1 thru 10" scale. So if my hubby asks how I'm doing today, I say about a "6". I had previously explained that the best day I could possibly have would be an "8" and that still while on drugs. Although he truly doesn't know what a "6" feels like, he knows it means having a bad day and anything below that means I want to either be left alone and/or pampered. With coworkers or my boss, I would say I'm fine unless I'm in a flareup, then I would say I'm not having a very good day pain wise. However, now that I am using a pain pump implanted in my stomach to continuously inject fentanyl into my spine, the only time I feel enough pain to be uncomfortable is when a pressure front comes thru along with humidity and then I take an Ultram and use blue stuff (pain gel) and I feel good again.

I think it is perfectly fine to say I am OK on the times that I am dealing with things, even if I am in pain.

Other times I may say I am surviving, to indicate that I am suffering but I am dealing with it.

Other times I may say I am not OK, meaning I want support, or need to lie down.

Just let the other know what your messages mean.
We don't have to spell out our suffering each time we get asked, in order to be honest.

Hi!
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

I used to have a real hard time trying to hide it and then got sick of the question at all, due to the fact that there is always something going wrong!
I just say ok or the usual, which I still hate saying cause my family knows what that means - not too good. But, it's all I got.
On days that I feel really terrible, I tell my spouse right away, so he can step in and pull the slack. I will say I FEEL TERRIBLE! Luckily, I have a spouse that understands, we've just married in Jan. though, so hopefully it sticks! i try not to let my kids know too often, as they worry alot, like when I miss work I keep that from them, unless they ask.
Good luck and don't forget to take care of YOU!

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif
~Julianne

Being fairly new to this..my official diagnosis came about 7 months ago...With my kids and dh, I use the number thing...10 is worst...With my few close friends I say that I am having a good pain day..or a bad pain day. With the rest of the world...I just say something that answers the question without much detail,such as I am fine! LOL even when I am not!But I think any one with a chronic illness has this struggle!

I just thought I'd add my two cents worth to this thread.. My response generally varies depending on the asker too, but instead of saying "the usual", I generally say "I'm alive, how about you?".. Not only can it be said in a semi-positive way with the right intonation, but the asker then tends to feel more comfortable since they can respond, "I'm alive, too!"..

I've learned not to take that question too seriously when it's asked by a friend or acquaintance.. After all, I ask healthy people how they're doing and don't expect a detailed response.. I'm not sure why this just popped into my mind, but it pretty much sums up my feelings - to quote Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men after being prodded for the truth, "You can't handle the truth!"..

As for my family and my fiance', I tend to tiptoe around the truth with them too.. I find myself saying, "I've been better" or "I've been worse" a lot.. It wouldn't do anyone involved any good (including me) if I were to lapse into a 15 minute diatribe about how I really feel.. Besides, the people closest to me can tell when I'm feeling especially bad.. They must be able to see it in my eyes or hear it in my voice or something..

If nothing else, I think we can all agree that it's a very loaded question..

Take Care,
Melanie

I figured i could get some words in here as well.

I've learned that when people ask you that question, they are not looking for any answer other than ok or great, etc. Anything else catches them off guard and they really don't want to hear it.

But an issue I want to bring up is family asking how i feel. There is a standing rule in my family that i do not speak of my pain (Myofascial and Fibro with CFS). They believe in burying their heads in the sand i guess. The only place i can discuss pain is with a professional and in my journal, and i feel that i get the most benefit out of analyzing my journal entries to see my own reaction to my feelings instead of others forced reactions.

Hey Larry,

I hate to say it, but that's just twisted (on your family's part).. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose?

In any event, I think I speak for everyone when I say that you're more than welcome to hang out here if you need to vent to someone other than a professional or your journal.. I'm sure that you're seriously overdue for some emotional support & that's what we're all here for.. I honestly can't imagine what it would be like to have to censor myself all of the time around the people that are closest to me..

I wish I could say more, but your post has truly left me speechless beyond that.. Don't worry though - that doesn't happen too often.. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

Take Care,
Melanie