I am so frustrated with my husband's family. My MIL has 4 kids. One of them stays at her house during the day and works at night. Even though it is nice that someone is with her, he is useless. He doesn't help her stay active or keep her on her medication. The other kids visit but they won't do anything regarding the fact that she doesn't need to be living alone.
Her son that lives there says there is nothing wrong with her and believe me there is!
First she gets disoriented and I told the family that she doesn't need to be driving. No one would do anything and the doctor even said she shouldn't. She finally had an accident and they still didn't take away her keys. She finally stopped on her own because she became blind in one eye.

When she doesn't want to do something she can make herself physically sick. All she does is stay in bed all day. She doesn't excercise. She won't eat right. She won't take her medicine. And then she gets so sick that she calls her family to take her to the hospital saying that she is sick. The doctors can't find anything, except that she likes the attention.

The other day one of these phone scams told her she needed to wire money to Canada. She has now told everybody that someone is trying to kill her. She has already called the police 5 times. When she is left alone she calls the police. She is obsessing over this. She even said that someone in her family might want to kill her.

I've told the kids that they need to call her doctor and actually visit with him as a family. Just taking her and sitting in the waiting room is useless. She can't remember 2 minutes after visiting him what he said.

What is the deal with this obsessing and what should the family do? Obviously as a DIL I am not able to overstep the boundries without everybody resenting me.

Has your MIL ever been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's Disease? If not, some of her behavior is pointing in this direction, and she ought to be checked out. I am surprised that the hospital where she keeps showing up with no real symptoms hasn't suggested that.

It is great that she gave up driving on her own.

Often it is not looking for attention but a real sense of panic when a person realizes she is not able to do things that used to be routine. The person who lives with her ought to be doing more, but often the dementia patient doesn't take the pills you carefully laid out for them, or otherwise follow instructions, because they can't remember them. Also, they often have delusions - such as some one trying to kill them, rob them, take away stuff from their home, or even that a family member is stealing their money, jewelry etc.

Certainly your family has to agree to get her completely tested by a competent neurologist - better yet, a geriatric specialist - who would know how to help you help her.

Ignoring the problem does not make it go away. It is strange how often a daughter in law seems to be the only one who knows something is badly wrong. The closer relatives may be in denial beause they can't stand believing their Mom is 'losing her mind"

Good luck! Start with your own husband - he is most likely to hear you out.

love,

Martha

My MIL has been diagnosed with Alzheimers.

I took it upon myself to call him to discuss the fact that I've asked her how her appt. went and can't remember. I thought that there would be a better way of doing this. His comment was he was glad that someone in the family called. He did discuss the fact that he thought the family should come in to see him with her and that he was apalled that she was driving and that she should also be in assisted living.

He is not able to continue discussing these things with me due to HPPA laws and I understood. I have talked to her daughter who has medical power of attorney to fax this to all of her doctors' offices so that she can find out after every appt what is going on.

The family doesn't listen to me. They think that since she can still pay her bills that they shouldn't take away her independence, Which I do understand but how much more can everybody do? She needs more one on one than anybody that isn't living there.

I am just frustrated and appreciate your input.

Yes, I have talked to my husband about this, but as I have noticed from before her sickness is that she has crippled her children. The don't ever like rocking the boat, they don't communicate with one another as a whole and she has them at her beck and call all the time. She is the Grand Dame in the family. I have pointed out that our parents raise us and at some point the roles reverse and that we become the caregivers. All on deaf ears.

Last week one of the gas stove pilots was left on and her DIL came by the house and said the whole house smelled of gas and she had the heat on. We all decided that she needed to go electric. She got mad of course as part of the ALZ symptoms. She said that she didn't smell any gas and that she has been cooking on gas since she was ten. We don't know what we are talking about.
I have had anxiety and take xanax when I'm around her and dealing with her family's way of not doing anything. I have tried to stay away, but my husband thinks it's my duty to be around. Ughhh.

Don't let ayone tell you what your duty is. Her biological children have the duty to take care of her and keep her safe! Assisted living is a great idea.

The disease has taken away her independence. There is a difference between doing something for her that she can do for herself, and doing it because she cannot do it. I wonder how well she is really paying her bills!
When I went to live with my Mom she had been 'paying her bills' by herself - but her checkbook was totally unbalanced, she had entirely forgotten about one account which never showed up until 5 years later when we moved her out, and she had too much money in a no interest checking account. She was also late on a supplementary health insurance bill which was about to drop her...

It may LOOK as if she is 'independent' and she may even believe that she is, but she is becoming more and more the child, and her children the parents. Being a domineering queenlike person makes it much harder for everyone.

If I were you I would try to gradually withdraw and do less and less - thus forcing her own kids to step up to the plate. If possible find excuses that do not cause any hostility. Funny how so many people expect so much from others, and get deeply agitated when the person doesn't want to continue ...

I do sypathize with you. You are between a rock and a hard place. I wish you would not need to take medicines to get through it ... tell your husband your doctor says your condition will get worse if you are involved with eldercare. Good luck!

Love,

Martha

Thank you Martha H for your comments. I have read all over the message boards trying to find a peace of mind and information to spoon feed to the family.

I know I sound frustrated and I feel guilty for the anger. However, I feel her family has plenty of resources on hand. Besides, how many mothers are lucky enough to have 4 kids living in the same state and within an hour's drive (which is the problem).

The only thing that I can say is when something happens that I said would, I really want to say 'Told you so'

I have tried to discuss with my husband about my anxiety about his family's inability to take care of business and it becomes tit for tat. It hurts me greatly that my husband would take his mother's side over anything I have to offer including my care; I am the bad person.

I have always been someone that wants to take care of things. So I am trying to step back for my sanity. I am normally a very nice person, but my MIL is bringing out a very frustrated person.

Thank you for listening. I will keep reading the boards to see what other families are doing. It is very helpful and insightful.

I have been in your shoes and it is soooo frustrating and like you say it is so obvious that it is hard to believe that they can't see it. Since you can't do anything step back....however if you think she is being abused by family then call your areas Ombudsman for senior citizens and let them make an evaluation of the situation. (abuse can be anything neglectful) Perhaps an outside opinion would put all this into perspective. Good luck.

sorry I haven't posted earlier, but this post mirrors my first posts and I just COULD'T say anything because I tend to get a bit zealous over daughter in laws having to pick up the slack for their husbands families.

There is TOO many of us. And that's the sad part.

I put MY parents on hold to look after my in-laws. I got abused by one of my husbands siblings, to the point of being bailed up in a corner of the house being screamed and spat at and told how it was MY fault HIS parents were sick.

I was screamed and spat at how I had ASKED for my depression and anxiety and fear by HELPING his parents.

My CHILDREN have been scarred for life. My SON has attempted suicide and is now schizophrenic because of the trauma he was under. My marriage has been strained since, because we had to FLEE our home town ... 1000km away from friends and a strong support network.

And mine is not the only story ...... and it won't be the last.

This will NOT end well.

Sally, by being so brave and so honest, you will save many a daughter in law from doing what you did. Your story is one reason I said "let the biological children step up to the plate!" I strongly advise any in-laws to remove themselves from the battle. Do not move in with HIS parents, do not let them move in with you. Keep your distance. If necessary, make more geographical distance between them and you.

Good luck!

Martha