barb1753
09-27-2007, 08:53 PM
I'm new to the board and would like some suggestions as to how to handle my mother's aggression.
She has a fixation with money,credit cards etc., whenever she brings up these subjects,she get angry and insists that what she is saying is fact. Sometimes it is, but most of the time it's not. It's very frustraiting for me when she gets this way. Does anyone have any suggestions.:confused:
She has a fixation with money,credit cards etc., whenever she brings up these subjects,she get angry and insists that what she is saying is fact. Sometimes it is, but most of the time it's not. It's very frustraiting for me when she gets this way. Does anyone have any suggestions.:confused:
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DGabriel10
09-28-2007, 03:23 AM
I had much the same problem with Mom. She was an bookkeeper and very good at what she did until ALZ. I found it easier to change the subject, just say ok and then fix the problem, or otherwise try to divert her. It does no good to agrue with them because they truly believe what they are saying is real. The doctors at the cognitive assessment center explained earlier states of dementia to me by saying that it is like living in the dark with a flash light that blinks on and off. You get a little bit here and a little bit there and then the brain puts it together in a way that seems logical to them. What they end up with is not what really happened because they don't have ALL the information they need.
My Dad on the other hand was obcessed with having enough money. He only expressed his obcession in the evening and it was accompanied with aggitation. His other obcession was locking up the house. He locked every door over and over. We used a small dose of anti-anxiety medication in the late afternoon to take the edge off that aggitation.... and let him lock the doors until he wore out the lock on the back door while we reassured him that everything was ok.
Sorry you are having to deal with this awful disease. Hope you stay around. This forum is great with some amazing people in it. They have been my life line and salvation since I stumbled in. Know I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.....
Love, Deb
My Dad on the other hand was obcessed with having enough money. He only expressed his obcession in the evening and it was accompanied with aggitation. His other obcession was locking up the house. He locked every door over and over. We used a small dose of anti-anxiety medication in the late afternoon to take the edge off that aggitation.... and let him lock the doors until he wore out the lock on the back door while we reassured him that everything was ok.
Sorry you are having to deal with this awful disease. Hope you stay around. This forum is great with some amazing people in it. They have been my life line and salvation since I stumbled in. Know I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.....
Love, Deb
Martha H
09-28-2007, 08:05 AM
That flashlight example is excellent! Wow. I learn so much on this Board!
Welcome, Barb. This is truly a good place. You can get information here, but more important, people who have been through the same thing really understand you.
My Mom also thought she was doing everything right and the rest of the world had gone mad.
I eventually learned to cope by agreeing with everything she said, however bizarre. When it was something I just couldn't agree to, I just said , "oh really?" I learned that from a stone deaf Aunt, who got through social events for years by saying "Oh Really/" no matter what anyone said to her. She went down in history as a wonderful conversationalist, accepting, understanding, non threatening!
Good luck with it - this is a long hard road. My Mom is only days from the end of her sufferings.
Love,
Martha
Welcome, Barb. This is truly a good place. You can get information here, but more important, people who have been through the same thing really understand you.
My Mom also thought she was doing everything right and the rest of the world had gone mad.
I eventually learned to cope by agreeing with everything she said, however bizarre. When it was something I just couldn't agree to, I just said , "oh really?" I learned that from a stone deaf Aunt, who got through social events for years by saying "Oh Really/" no matter what anyone said to her. She went down in history as a wonderful conversationalist, accepting, understanding, non threatening!
Good luck with it - this is a long hard road. My Mom is only days from the end of her sufferings.
Love,
Martha
cyt
09-28-2007, 09:26 AM
God Bless you all - it is a long, frustrating disease. :angel:
LuvMyLilDoggie
09-28-2007, 01:50 PM
I agree with everyone. When my dad was with me, I learned the hard way to let him think things were the way he thought they were. I had a hard time accepting that I needed to let go of the idea that he could ever grasp the fact that he got the story all mixed up. In his mind, it was ME who was the one all mixed up, not him. He knew what he was doing and I was the crazy one. As long as we were butting heads and trying to prove each other wrong, we were both miserable. When the good people here convinced me to try letting him think he was right, things began to improve a bit. He was happy and I was more relaxed. I had to go behind his back and fix his checkbook a few times which made me feel a bit deceitful for a while. But as long as he was happy, I was happy.
It's hard to watch a loved one go thru this and not try to "teach" or "show" them right from wrong. But the less we "correct" them, the better off we'll be....and the happier we'll all be.
I'm finding myself in a situation now with my 18 y/o son. And I have to apply pretty much the same things to him that I learned to do with my dad. I have to know when to back off and when to step in. The only difference is that my son is learning (I hope!) from his mistakes. My dad's days of learning are over. I have to still keep reminding myself that he can't do what he used to and not because he doesn't want to. He just can't remember how to.
My dad has been on Zoloft for about 4 years now and that has helped a LOT with his aggression. He used to get violent before starting on Zoloft.
Keep coming back here. These people have kept me from going insane!
Oh and Welcome to the boards, Barb!
Love, Barb
PS Little white lies have saved my butt quite a few times.
ex: Dad was charging up the wazzoo on his credit cards. All were over the limit before I noticed. I called the companies and sent them POA papers stating that I was financial POA over him. I asked them to stop letting him charge on them. Couldn't cancel them until they were paid in full but I got them to stop him from being able to charge on them. When he tried to charge something, he told me his card didn't work. I said "Oh. There must be something wrong with that black strip on the back. I'll call them and see if they can send you a new one." (lie 1) But that satisfied him for the time being.
Later, when he'd ask about it again, I'd say "They didn't send it yet? Hmmm, wonder what's taking them so long? I'll call them again as sson as I get off work." (lie 2)
Whatever keeps them happy and satisfied.
It's hard to watch a loved one go thru this and not try to "teach" or "show" them right from wrong. But the less we "correct" them, the better off we'll be....and the happier we'll all be.
I'm finding myself in a situation now with my 18 y/o son. And I have to apply pretty much the same things to him that I learned to do with my dad. I have to know when to back off and when to step in. The only difference is that my son is learning (I hope!) from his mistakes. My dad's days of learning are over. I have to still keep reminding myself that he can't do what he used to and not because he doesn't want to. He just can't remember how to.
My dad has been on Zoloft for about 4 years now and that has helped a LOT with his aggression. He used to get violent before starting on Zoloft.
Keep coming back here. These people have kept me from going insane!
Oh and Welcome to the boards, Barb!
Love, Barb
PS Little white lies have saved my butt quite a few times.
ex: Dad was charging up the wazzoo on his credit cards. All were over the limit before I noticed. I called the companies and sent them POA papers stating that I was financial POA over him. I asked them to stop letting him charge on them. Couldn't cancel them until they were paid in full but I got them to stop him from being able to charge on them. When he tried to charge something, he told me his card didn't work. I said "Oh. There must be something wrong with that black strip on the back. I'll call them and see if they can send you a new one." (lie 1) But that satisfied him for the time being.
Later, when he'd ask about it again, I'd say "They didn't send it yet? Hmmm, wonder what's taking them so long? I'll call them again as sson as I get off work." (lie 2)
Whatever keeps them happy and satisfied.
DGabriel10
09-28-2007, 03:24 PM
I don't even call them little white lies. I consider them a way of connecting to their fantasy world to make them happy. My parents cannot connect with me in my world so I have go into their world to be effective. Then I step back into the real world and fix the problem without discussion knowing they cannot learn to do anything different from what they are doing.
Mom and Dad's will was a case in point. Mom was obcessed with "fixing" the future. They had a perfectly good will but she went and had another one done. In her fog there were several problems with this new will. So we convinced her the hick country lawyer that did it made mistakes and sent her back to where the original will was done. He was very cooperative and sent us a new copy of the old will to execute and post date the one she messed up. It arrived in the mail and she promptly threw it in the trash. She swore it didn't come. So I had a copy sent to me and the next time I was home I just pretended to get it out of the mail, had them sign it, had it notarized, and brought it home with me. Walla, a new will and she was clueless that it was just the old will post dated to replace what she had messed up.
Also watch what is coming and going in the mail. My mom was notorious for ordering herbal supplements and magazines that promised to fix her arthritis or her brain. When they arrived she swore she didn't order them and refused to pay. I would just take the shipment, call the company, cancel the order, and return whatever it was. She thought I threw it away.
The latest was a second notice from the IRS that she owed over $5,000 in back taxes. Evidently she got the first notice and decided she didn't owe it so she did put that in the file cabinet but didn't dispute it to the IRS. I happened to be home when the second notice came in. I opened it, found the first notice, took it to her accountant and had him handle it. She really didn't owe the money but it had to be disputed to the IRS.
So be vigilant, meddle, plunder, and keep your eyes open for anything that looks out of the ordinary. Don't be confrontational but fix what you can. It helps to have a working relationship with any accountants or financial advisors, know their social security number (the last four digits can get a lot done) and it helps even more to have a POA. I would highly recommend that a Power of Attorney is done if you even suspect dementia. It is your way our of a world of hurt.
Love, Deb
Mom and Dad's will was a case in point. Mom was obcessed with "fixing" the future. They had a perfectly good will but she went and had another one done. In her fog there were several problems with this new will. So we convinced her the hick country lawyer that did it made mistakes and sent her back to where the original will was done. He was very cooperative and sent us a new copy of the old will to execute and post date the one she messed up. It arrived in the mail and she promptly threw it in the trash. She swore it didn't come. So I had a copy sent to me and the next time I was home I just pretended to get it out of the mail, had them sign it, had it notarized, and brought it home with me. Walla, a new will and she was clueless that it was just the old will post dated to replace what she had messed up.
Also watch what is coming and going in the mail. My mom was notorious for ordering herbal supplements and magazines that promised to fix her arthritis or her brain. When they arrived she swore she didn't order them and refused to pay. I would just take the shipment, call the company, cancel the order, and return whatever it was. She thought I threw it away.
The latest was a second notice from the IRS that she owed over $5,000 in back taxes. Evidently she got the first notice and decided she didn't owe it so she did put that in the file cabinet but didn't dispute it to the IRS. I happened to be home when the second notice came in. I opened it, found the first notice, took it to her accountant and had him handle it. She really didn't owe the money but it had to be disputed to the IRS.
So be vigilant, meddle, plunder, and keep your eyes open for anything that looks out of the ordinary. Don't be confrontational but fix what you can. It helps to have a working relationship with any accountants or financial advisors, know their social security number (the last four digits can get a lot done) and it helps even more to have a POA. I would highly recommend that a Power of Attorney is done if you even suspect dementia. It is your way our of a world of hurt.
Love, Deb
Martha H
09-28-2007, 04:14 PM
Brilliant, Deb! I wish you had been here when I was struggling with all that - I must be a slow learner because I tried to "reason" with Mom for over a year. I just couldn't believe she would not 'see' if I made it clear enough. Needless to say we were often both in tears of frustration.
Yes, POA is Step 1 to getting anything done! Sometimes if it is late in the disease, a ruse has to be used to get that done. After Mom started to get lost (once she wandered around Queens in NYC for 8 hours - we never did find out where she was ) we got a Home Health Aide to stay with her during the working day. We explained to Mom that she was 'not a nurse but a 'companion' and before we could get her to come, Mom had to sign some papers. She went happily to the Notary and made my brother POA over all her affairs, thank God, because only a year later she was so confused that she couldn't have signed anything ...
That is probably a step we should all take while still young. I am 68, maybe I'll appoint my daughter to do that for me ...
love,
Martha
Yes, POA is Step 1 to getting anything done! Sometimes if it is late in the disease, a ruse has to be used to get that done. After Mom started to get lost (once she wandered around Queens in NYC for 8 hours - we never did find out where she was ) we got a Home Health Aide to stay with her during the working day. We explained to Mom that she was 'not a nurse but a 'companion' and before we could get her to come, Mom had to sign some papers. She went happily to the Notary and made my brother POA over all her affairs, thank God, because only a year later she was so confused that she couldn't have signed anything ...
That is probably a step we should all take while still young. I am 68, maybe I'll appoint my daughter to do that for me ...
love,
Martha
DGabriel10
09-29-2007, 12:19 AM
I'm not brilliant I have just seen way too much of this horrible disease. Seven years in long term care, many more years with my grandmother, my aunt, my dad, and now my mom. And I am still going through it.
I did want to add a funny story about Dad and the POA. Mom was obcessed with "fixing" the future so she had no problem siging wills, and POA, and anything else the lawyer suggested. On the other hand my Dad was a little further in his fog and very paranoid. Yet he usually goes along with whatever Mom tells him to do. So my sister and I took Mom and Dad to sign their POA's. We told Dad we were going to the lawyer to sign some papers. Mom told him it was what he needed to do and he agreed not asking what they were for. When we got to the Lawyer's office, with just the four of us sitting in the conference room, there was a pad on the table with the title in big red letters "Divorce Notes". Dad just stared at that pad for a long time. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong and I finally saw it. I just said "Dad?" and he blurted out in his booming voice.... "I DON"T WANT A DIVORCE!!!!" We all bused up laughing and then explained to him he was not getting a divorce. When the lawyer came in Dad quietly and happily signed because I had slipped the note pad off the table and he was pleased he would leave still married. They did ask him some questions to prove his competancy but with the cover of jokes and laughter and a little help he did ok.
Marthy, sometimes I wonder if I type too much. My daughrer finally got her life straightened out and moved out two years ago. About that time I started noticing problems with Mom. I have spent most of my hours for the last year dealing with Mom and Dad. Now I don't have repeated phone calls to deal with and I have actually been home for two whole weeks. I am just a wee bit lost but loving it too. I want to thank you and all the others that responded to my previous frantic post. I would have gone mad without your support and advice. I will depend on the experiences of those, like you, that have gone before me to help me through the next stages. I do feel the need to lend that same support to others that you have given me. So if I yap too much just gag me :-X.....
Love, Deb
I did want to add a funny story about Dad and the POA. Mom was obcessed with "fixing" the future so she had no problem siging wills, and POA, and anything else the lawyer suggested. On the other hand my Dad was a little further in his fog and very paranoid. Yet he usually goes along with whatever Mom tells him to do. So my sister and I took Mom and Dad to sign their POA's. We told Dad we were going to the lawyer to sign some papers. Mom told him it was what he needed to do and he agreed not asking what they were for. When we got to the Lawyer's office, with just the four of us sitting in the conference room, there was a pad on the table with the title in big red letters "Divorce Notes". Dad just stared at that pad for a long time. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong and I finally saw it. I just said "Dad?" and he blurted out in his booming voice.... "I DON"T WANT A DIVORCE!!!!" We all bused up laughing and then explained to him he was not getting a divorce. When the lawyer came in Dad quietly and happily signed because I had slipped the note pad off the table and he was pleased he would leave still married. They did ask him some questions to prove his competancy but with the cover of jokes and laughter and a little help he did ok.
Marthy, sometimes I wonder if I type too much. My daughrer finally got her life straightened out and moved out two years ago. About that time I started noticing problems with Mom. I have spent most of my hours for the last year dealing with Mom and Dad. Now I don't have repeated phone calls to deal with and I have actually been home for two whole weeks. I am just a wee bit lost but loving it too. I want to thank you and all the others that responded to my previous frantic post. I would have gone mad without your support and advice. I will depend on the experiences of those, like you, that have gone before me to help me through the next stages. I do feel the need to lend that same support to others that you have given me. So if I yap too much just gag me :-X.....
Love, Deb
angel_bear
09-29-2007, 03:38 AM
Nah .. nobody will blast you for writing heaps ...... you should see some of my earlier posts!!!
When my "tour of duty" finished in December 2005, I took some time off, and, like childbirth, reflected on things and thought ... well, now .. what do I do? I had trained to work in Aged Care (to try and learn what I was doing with my charges) but the Tour of Duty finished, so even though I now know what I'm doing as opposed to fumbling my way through, I get to "care" but also get to "go home" and recharge. That being said, I still get frustrated at work with my charges and often have to remind myself and re-read postings here to bring me back to earth.
Some mantra's I say to myself are:
" If there was nothing wrong with them, they wouldn't be here " a very true statement and
" I can always take tomorrow off " if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, and something family members can't usually say.
Sometimes I have felt somewhat 'useless' on the board because I am no longer caring for a family member (thank the Lord :D ) and I worry that I see "no hope" which can make me somewhat blunt in some of my replies, but I've learnt over the years one can't sugar coat this disease in any way because it's just setting people up for failure. I do need to work on tact however LOL
So, stay tuned, you will remain helpful with input, insight and advice. As for me? I tried to stay away but can't.
I love these guys!
When my "tour of duty" finished in December 2005, I took some time off, and, like childbirth, reflected on things and thought ... well, now .. what do I do? I had trained to work in Aged Care (to try and learn what I was doing with my charges) but the Tour of Duty finished, so even though I now know what I'm doing as opposed to fumbling my way through, I get to "care" but also get to "go home" and recharge. That being said, I still get frustrated at work with my charges and often have to remind myself and re-read postings here to bring me back to earth.
Some mantra's I say to myself are:
" If there was nothing wrong with them, they wouldn't be here " a very true statement and
" I can always take tomorrow off " if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, and something family members can't usually say.
Sometimes I have felt somewhat 'useless' on the board because I am no longer caring for a family member (thank the Lord :D ) and I worry that I see "no hope" which can make me somewhat blunt in some of my replies, but I've learnt over the years one can't sugar coat this disease in any way because it's just setting people up for failure. I do need to work on tact however LOL
So, stay tuned, you will remain helpful with input, insight and advice. As for me? I tried to stay away but can't.
I love these guys!
granny0
09-29-2007, 06:36 AM
My mother in law has had alzheimers for years now. It got to the point that she could no longer be alone and all her children work fulltime. We lived closest to her so she was our baby. We paid a lady to stay with her from 8 till my husband got there at 3:00 after work. We took turns spending the night with her but it totally dominated our lives and we had just put 2 girls through college and were supposed to be having time for us. I came to the point that we had to find a home for her and we did. A very nice assisted living where you bring your own furniture so the room is full of her things. She gets hostile when family visists and blames my husbands sister for putting her there. It's a lovely place, almost like a resort. Her short term memory is so bad she does not remember a minute ago. At first she just wanted to go home and that's all she talks about when we visit. They tell us she is fine most times and likes to help them with the dishes. It's when someone visits that she gets depressed and hostile. I guess our visits reminds her that she is not "at home". It is a horrible illness to deal with but the quality of our life has improved dramatically. Now we are trying to sell her house to cover the $2500 a month fee to stay there. She tries to escape sometimes - a bell goes off is someone goes out the door if someone does not put a code in to leave. They've threated to give her the boot if this continues. The girls that work there love her because she is a sweet lady. It's heart breaking to see her and sell her things and home, but we just could not deal with it anymore. No real advise here, just sharing our story. Best wishes with your Mom.
JB
JB
DGabriel10
09-29-2007, 01:45 PM
Thank you Angel!!! One thing I love about this forum is there are those that has been where I have to go and have wise words to share. I am only through one more phase of this journey with Mom and Dad and know you will all be helpful in the future. The only way I can repay all that has been given to me in the past is to share my experiences and knowledge. ....and for the first time in eons I have some time on my hands. After dealing with my daughter's depression for almost 5 years and falling right into caregiving for my parents, I now have nobody to take care of. My daughter is a junior in Anthropology with a 3.98 GPA going to school full time, works 30 hours a week, and has a fantasic boyfriend. I am lucky to hear from her a few times a week but it makes me feel good that she is finally flying. Mom and Dad are doing as well as can be expected in Assisted Living and my sisters are handling the day to day. My input was stopped almost over night. What's a gal to do?
JB, my parents are in a very similar place. My mom is adjusting ok but my dad is not adjusting as well. He has less short term memory than Mom. I wonder if the constant visits by my sisters are triggering some of his aggitation. I will be more observant of that.
We have yet to tackle the chore of cleaning out the house (home for 53 years) and selling it. Yet there has already been disagreements on how it should be done. I do not look forward to that chore with four strong willed daughters that each have different opinions on what should be done.
Thank you all again for all the great advice, understanding, and patience and I hope I can give back half of what I have received.
Love, Deb
JB, my parents are in a very similar place. My mom is adjusting ok but my dad is not adjusting as well. He has less short term memory than Mom. I wonder if the constant visits by my sisters are triggering some of his aggitation. I will be more observant of that.
We have yet to tackle the chore of cleaning out the house (home for 53 years) and selling it. Yet there has already been disagreements on how it should be done. I do not look forward to that chore with four strong willed daughters that each have different opinions on what should be done.
Thank you all again for all the great advice, understanding, and patience and I hope I can give back half of what I have received.
Love, Deb