My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. My best guess is that she is stage 4. Or late Stage 3 maybe.

I am going crazy. She is not really capable of living alone, she has severe dizzy spells and no good sense left. She insists there is nothing wrong with her and has continued to insist upon driving. I currently have left my van at her house with the excuse that it isn't running and have been driving her car just to keep it from her. That's not going to last much longer because she is insisting she can go anywhere she wants.

I also have a pre-pubescent 12 year old daughter who needs my attention.

Mom is 82 and she is MEAN. The things she says would curl your hair. I have drawn the line at allowing her to be mean to my daughter but truthfully, the things she says to me are so painful. And she takes a lot out on my dear husband, who is only home on weekends. We have been staying with her in her tiny house because she refuses to come to our home. And she, of course refuses assisted living or any in-home help.

And can someone tell me how she manages to act lucid around some people and is unable to even act civil toward us?

If I had my druthers I'd run far, far away...

Here is the sad, hard truth.

It doesn't matter what she wants. YOU have to be the adult, she is now the child. You have to permanently remove her car from her, and perhaps move her into an assisted living residence. She may not agree, but you will have to be firm and definite - today is the day we move to your new home. You can try pretending it was her idea. Usually, once the person is there, they adjust pretty quickly.

If you do not do this, you face the next 10 years as her whipping girl, and your daughter will inevitably suffer too, seeing her Mom being verbally (or worse, it always gets worse ) abused.

Think about it. Do something before it is too late. Read the many stories on this Board, especially those of AngelBear.

Love,

Martha

I moved in with my dad 4 years ago. Looking back, I think a lot of his anger and frustration that he showed toward me was really his anger and frustration at his disease and not me. I do think he resented the fact that I had to be there to help him. I understand now that it wasn't the fact that me, my husband and son were living in his home, but the fact that he knew deep down what was happening to him and that he needed us to help him.

Know that this disease is very scary to your mom. She may be feeling degraded by the disease and more and more useless as the disease progresses. She knows what's happening to her but may be in denial at least as far as outwardly admitting she has a problem.

Most people with AD who drive see the loss of driving priviledges as loss of freedom. I know that if any disease were to take my ability to drive away from me, I'd be lost. And if I knew that I'd never be allowed to drive again, I honestly think I'd feel depressed and angry and probably much more.

As far as your mom acting better around others, that's part of the disease. My dad used to be able to fool family, friends and for YEARS, his own doctors. This is just my opinion but I think people with AD fight HARD to act like their old selves around people they don't see every day. It's a difficult struggle that leaves them drained. Do you notice that after company leaves or your home from the doctor's office, your mom is tired or more cranky with you? She's mentally exausted and maybe physically too. And another opinion of mine is that as a daughter living in my dad's house, I think dad felt more comfortable not pretending with me. I don't think he felt that he had to be someone he wasn't anymore. I wish I would have understood that message before when he was threatening to punch me. At that time, I honestly thought he hated me.

I understand your need to take care of your mom. My dad has been with my sister for 3 1/2 years now. She has some things happening in her life now that make it nearly impossible to continue caring for my dad. She called me nearly in tears a few days ago. So I'm getting ready to take my dad in yet again. Dad is past the stage where your mom is now so there's little thought of him trying to go off on me again. But I know my limits now.

You might want to weigh things out. Things that are said and done to your daughter at her delicate age can last a lifetime. Are there other family members around who can help you if you're not ready to place your mom in assisted living?

I'll post again later.

Welcome to the board!

Love, Barb

You need to have her be declared incompetent so get a lawyer and get the paperwork started...for whatever your state requires. Also generally if you can get her in to see one....an eye doctor or just a GP can submit his findings to the state that the person can't drive anymore then the person has to prove to the Dept of motor vehicles that they can pass the written and driving tests over.
You need help and the quicker you get her into a facility that can care for her properly the better for the both of you. At the stage she is in right now she may need a locked facility but for right now you need to get her declared incompetent so you can make the decisions on her behalf. I am so sorry...it is a terrible disease! My brother did the same thing you are doing...he took dad's car apart and just kept saying he is waiting for parts each time dad would ask. Of course dad would forget and pretty soon he didn't ask any more...and if he did it was just a passing thought.

I know this is hard to do, but when your Mom is acting hateful towards you, try to think of her as "The Imposter" the AD taking over, and not your real true, loving Mom. This helped my cousin to deal with her Mom. And you MUST take her driving away. Think of it this way, what if she were to get out and drive and kill someone? We had to take my FIL keys away, he didn't like it but he learned to cope. We always started the ball rolling on getting him moved and just did it. It kinda hit him like "What" to where he really didn't know what hit him and he just went along and always managed to settle in okay. Of course they will argue with you from now on, so you really have to just do it. Find a place, find the movers and go for it! Good luck and keep us posted, I know it's a hard, sad job. C:angel:

I understand exactly what you are dealing with Debbie because I have just been through it myself. My parents (Dad with Vascular Demential and Mom with Alzheimer) moved into assisted living two weeks ago today. Dad is having more difficulty adjusting than Mom but so far so good.

I saw everything that Barb mentioned. Mom actually hid her cognitive decline for a number of years and convinced her doctor that she was depressed from caring for Dad. She convinced the family everything was all Dad's fault. He was diagnosed about 7 years ago. To this day Mom still declares she is fine. The world around her has gone crazy. In hind sight Mom's melt downs would come when she had spent time trying to be "normal" and deceive people. We began to see it when we would stay around an extra day and she was just too exhausted to pretend or the day we left with the sitter there. She could be mean, even brutal and it was usually directed at my Dad or she would cry hysterically and threaten suicide. When she was trying to hide her inabilities she would take to the couch and say she didn't feel well or just keep saying "I knew that". Then she would explode. Her final melt down was after the doctor told her that she could not drive any more. Mom never adjusted to the sitter and hated her being there. Mom took care of that with a sucker punch and hysterical yelling and crying until the sitter quit. Ten days later, with her approval because she had NO alternatives, they moved into assisted living and luckily we didn't have to have her declared incompetent as Ann mentioned. I had Martha's words in my ear when making the decision what to do and I am not sorry it is done. I actually sleep at night without listening for the phone or worrying about my parents.

I have a 28 year old daughter. She's an adult and I know what my Mom's antics have done to her. Not only has she seen her grandmother act out but she has seen what it has done to me. She is old enough that we can have adult conversation about it but 12 is truly too young to be exposed to this ugliness. There is an imposter masquerading in your Mom's body as cyt said and your child doesn't need to be exposed. Beyond that, this is the time when your daughter needs you the most and your Mom will fill up your life.

There is medication that will help your Mom's aggitation but you do not want to leave her at home alone medicated. Please consider placement...or at the least in home help with you and your daughter in a different location most of the time.

BTW.... welcome to the forum. This is a horrible disease that we are all dealing with and the only thing you can be sure of is that it will get worse. The advice I have found here has been amazing and right on target. Beyond that this place has been my source of sanity for the last few months. I wish you luck in your journey, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope to hear more from you soon.

Love, Deb

My MIL was a well educated, clever, warm human being. A lifeline Counsellor, she was always there for anybody who needed a shoulder to cry on. She and my FIL were mad Rotarians, volunteering all the time to help others, doing their 'Civic' duty because they wanted to ...

But one day, we realised that FIL was covering MIL's deficiencies. How did we find out? She smashed the car through the fence of a house and almost ran over their 2 year old.

It took another 2 years to get her licence off her, and the sad fact was that her dementia took away her words, her logic and her sequencing (sequencing is ALWAYS lost in ANY kind of Dementia). When the Police asked her what happened, FIL spoke up and said "My OXYGEN cylinder fell over and she tried to right it and accidentally stepped on the accelorator. The Police bought it. We the family didn't. It was ONLY then that we realised FIL was no longer eating properly because MIL was losing the sequencing of cooking (eg: microwaved vegetables with mayonnaise and mustard .. I don't think so)

The final 'accident' was when she wiped off a car door from a parked car. She knew something had happened, enough to bolt home. The Police caught up with her, and she denied everything .. of course, by this stage she could only say "yes, No, blather blather bling 2, 2, 3" so the Police KNEW something was wrong. Her licence was cancelled, she got a letter saying so, however she could not figure out what the letter actually meant. In her head, she knew she had her photo licence in her purse, that told her she could drive. She didn't understand the letter, and it didn't matter HOW we explained it, she KNEW she had her licence in her purse.

It wasn't until I explained it to the Police that they finally stepped in and took the photo licence OFF her. For MONTHS after, she would sit behind me in the car, tap my shoulder and say "I can, I yes, I will !!" and I would say "I know! You can !" knowing full well she couldn't and wouldn't, but it satisfied HER that I didn't say no.

Oh it's hard, it's so hard for everybody involved .. people losing things, having things taken away .. But I keep saying "WE HAVE TO KEEP THEM SAFE" and I don't care WHO I hurt as long as they are SAFE.

I will also PROMISE THEM THE WORLD if it will keep them happy. There is absolutely NOTHING gained from making everybody miserable. I wish more people would 'get it', some learn quickly, some not so quickly, and that frustrates me because I want to help people QUICKLY because I know the outcome.

Covering up a loved ones deficiencies is NOT HELPFUL. Covering up a loved ones Disabilities is NOT HELPFUL. The sooner people realise this, the safer everybody will be. Nobody can just sit idly back and "wait for things to happen' because things DON'T just happen, people have to make things happen.

I'm rambling, because I'm on a passionate subject. Sorry.

Thank you all. I know that a nursing home is in the future but we are trying to delay it for a while yet/ She's so erratic! There are days or sometimes just hours when she is almost her old self---or she would certainly appear that way to others. I guess we kind of live for those days.

I have another question. As I have read through the many very helpful threads here I notice a lot of references to different drugs. Is there any in particular that would be calming for her? It's the continual badgering that is so hard for us to deal with. Any suggestions that I can ask her doctor about?

The doctor is an entirely separate issue. Until last week, under the guise of placing her assets in a trust, I did not have a HIPAA waiver and my mother forbade her doctor to discuss her health situation with me---or anyone else. I am the only child, but my daughter is a paramedic and could certainly have asked the right question. The inaneness (is that a word?) of being forced to leave healthcare decisions in the hands of one who cannot remember if she had breakfast this morning must have slipped the mind of the entire Congress when HIPAA was wirtten! Last night I snuck into her papers (quick before she loses them!) and will dig out the HIPAA waiver and the medical POA and get an appointment with her doctor. This time she WILL discuss it with me. Any questions I should be sure to ask? Anything you think of would be so appreciated...

And thanks again.

Well, I can give you a heap of medications available that would help


but will she take them?

They DO and WILL become paranoid that they are being poisoned. After all, in their minds, they are perfectly FINE .. it's the rest of the world that's gone nuts .......

Lemme know

Debbie, I feel your pain. My mother in law has alzheimers and it got to the point that she could not be left alone for fear of setting the house on fire or falling down the steep steps to her basement. We were the closest ones of all her children so she was our baby. We payed someone to stay with her during the day and then my husband would go there straight from work at 3:00 and we took turns spending the night there. It totally dominated our life and we had just put 2 girls through college - now out of the house for good. It was supposed to be "our time". It became too much and I feared she'd outlive my husband who has heart disease (2 bypasses & and angioplasty).
We found a very nice asst. living home for her that you furnish her room with all her own things and the place is so nice it seems like a resort. There was no way she would have went willingly, so she was tricked into going -only way we could have done it. She's been there since July but thinks she was just put there yesterday. She is adjusting. The girls there love her - she likes helping them wash dishes and stuff. The strange thing is, when one of us visit, it prompts memories that that is not her home and she wants to go home, etc. etc. For the time being we are visiting very little because the visits stir her up once we leave and she becomes difficult for the staff to deal with> BEST WISHES WITH YOUR MOM> ALL OF A SUDDEN MY CAP LOCK WON"T GO OFF!
JB

On a different note, you always have someone in the family who is in denial about the whole thing. This happend with us. My FIL has dementia. I tried to tell his sister (who doesn't live here) how he was and how it was with him. She was in total denial, and even stated that he was just drinking too much coffee! I finally quit telling her anything and we are on much better terms now. After all, what purpose did it serve to try and make her see how he was - we are the ones looking out for him, not her. She still visits now and then and we all get along now. I just don't mention anything to her about his dementia. I figure she will see it on her own some day, as my FIL once said "What difference does it make" Good Luck and we all know where you are coming from! c

:::jumping up on HIPAA soapbox::: What a prime example of government fixing one problem only to create a world of other problems. HIPPA is not our friend when dealing with dementia.

Debbie, I had to chuckle when you talked about going into your Mom's papers before they became lost. I have spent two years being a scavanger. I picked my parents living wills out of the trash. I would sneak off important papers every time I was home. I had Mom add me to her checking account and then had the bank send me her statements. Now I have all the files that were left at her house and they are a mess with many pieces missing. At least we have the most important pieces that were absconded.

I did start making doctor's appointments when a sister or myself was at home. At first Mom's doctor said he would not discuss anything with us unless she was there. He also refused to take away her driving privilages and told her to "pay attention" when she was driving. :::slaps forehead::: He is a huge proponent of patients doing as much as they can as long as they can but I truly do not think he realized just how bad Mom was. She is very intelligent and could maintain normality for a while. Dementia does not take away the intelligence... just the ability to use it appropriately. Within a few months he changed his tune and gave us the recommendation we needed for Assisted Living. Dad's doctor was very different. I told him who to put on Dad's HIPAA and he accomodated my wishes with no argument. So never give up and keep trying to get your nose in your Mom's business. She will forget the momentary annoyance and you will know that you have done all that you can for her.

Mom was extremely angry with me when her driving priviledges were taken away. I was there at the asessment so she blamed it on me. Since she is fine she could not blame it on her own disabilities. I was warned by my sisters that I didn't want to talk to Mom. I did had an angry message on my answering machine from Mom. So I waited a day and called Mom. She was off on something else and had no recollection of her anger with me. She wanted to talk about something somebody else had done to her. Live goes on to the next episode...

Cyt... you are right. There is always somebody in denial. Two of my sisters were that way until I backed up enough to let them experience what I had seen. I had no choice because hubby had an episode with a huge kidney stone that was eventually blasted. It is amazing how quickly they changed their tune.. Seeing and being told are NOT the same. Yet, there are some that just back off and never accept. You have to leave them where they are and do the best you can with the support you can find.

I keep you all in my throughts and prayers daily and wish for you all the strength and creativity to deal with this horrible disease.

Love, Deb

Debbie,

You do need to make sure that you have power of attorney. I don't care how you get it, but get it. We were lucky enough to get it when both of my parents realized that I needed as an only child to have this. The only fl;y in the ointment came when I found out that my father had POA over my mother. My mother has this dreaded disease.

HOW I HATE THIS MONSTER WHO HAS CLAIMED MY MOTHER. sorry. The problem is that I have POA over my dad. the lawyer said that is sufficient. hmmmm. think not. Now we need to face what needs to be done to get me over mom as my dear father passed this wednesday as he sat in his wheelchair looking at his bride of 64 years his angels took him home. He suffered from vascular dementia...not enough to impair him. It was the abdominal aortic aneurism that took him. It was fast and painless for him-for which I give thanks. And I think Mom's guardian angels have pulled her deeper in so she doesn't know the pain..............leaving me the only child to deal with the loss and funeral.

that being said....make sure that get POA..and you do need to make sure that you insulate your daughter from your mother. Do NOT WAIT for the good days. They will not get to be more or better. THey will be fewer and fewer.We all have lived on the hope and I don't want you to suffer or your daughter. This will only get worse, uhfortunately. She is not going to get better, that is the pity with or without drugs....

Ibake... I am so sorry for your loss. It has to be so difficult for you having all the responsibility and grief on your shoulders. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mom.

I did not mean to insulate a child from their grandparent. My concern was the child living with the grandparent and Mom not having the adequate time to spend with the child because of the needs of the grandparent. Dementia can be all consuming and I truly do feel it is necessary to have a healthy balance when you have children. The children are the future. My great nephew does visit with my parents and has a great time with his grand dad but he can go home and not have his grand dad take his toy away. Just wanted to clarify that point.

Never be sorry for saying you hate the monster that has taken over your loved one. It is a true honest emotion that we all have feel from time to time. It is good to vent those feelings.... especially in a place where everybody understands. I hate you are going through this horrible disease with your Mom and for the loss of your father. Iwish for you the strength and courage to do all that you have to do. Again.... my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love, Deb

I actually have very quality time with my daughter. She's a high level swimmer and soccer player and we travel to and from games/practices daily. I also take her back and forth from school which is time we treasure. My mom's capable of spending periods of time alone and sometimes we "escape" after practice for homework or fun. My aunt comes and stays with my mom when we are on out-of-town trips for a long weekend under the pretense that they both get "scared" home alone. Except for the usual pre-adolescent mood swings, I don't see any change in her at this point. She adored her grandparents (my dad died 3 years ago) and remembers well before gram was so confused. I like to believe that some of what I am teaching is patience and compassion.

We took mom to the soccer game today. My husband is home for the weekend and it was a very nice day. Mom's mood was good though she is so much quieter than she used to be. Seeing Melissa compete brings out the best in her. :) If only all the days were like this! She even ate a healthy dinner at Big Boy post-game and we stopped at the mall for a bit of shopping on our way home.

A good day makes us all smile. :)


I'm sorry about your dad ibake. I miss my dad every day of my life.

Debbie

My condolences also , ibake, on the loss of your Dad. I still miss my Dad also, although he died in 1977.

Love,

Martha

It sounds like you have a healthy balance Debbie and kudos to your darling daughter for all the good things she is doing.

A good day is a blessing and what gets us through the rest of time. I wish for you many more good day.

Love, Deb

Debbie, you asked in an earlier post about things to ask the doctor. I'll tell you what helped A LOT with my dad. I started writing down all the really off the wall stuff that he was doing or saying. For instance, when dad came to my house and passed it up several times. I lived on a street that was 1 block long and there were T intersections at both ends. He kept turning around. Thinking back, I laugh at this now. My son was at the window saying "There goes grandpa". "There he goes again". "And again". "And again. Mom? Do you think grandpa will stop if I go out there and wave my arms at him?".

Anyway, I kept journaling the strange things. Then when it came time for dad's doctor appt, I gave my list in an envelope to the receptionist and told her it was very important that the doctor read this before he came in to see dad. Dad always allowed me to go in to his appts with him so I had no problem there. But the list convinced his doctor to send dad to a geriatric neurologist. She was a wonderful woman. She did all the tests without question and diagnosed dad with AD. If I hadn't kept a journal, it may have taken another year or two before the doctor would have noticed any changes.

There are people on this board who have "tricked" a parent to going to the doctor by saying "Mom, I have a doctor's appt and I'm a little nervous about it. Would you please go with me?" Of course the doctor visit would be for her and not you. When you're in there, let the doctor and your mom do the talking. Let her say whatever she wants. Don't correct her. Just find a second in the hallway to tell the doctor the truth. Sounds a bit deceitful but it works.

Love, Barb

I remember sitting in the car, talking to the family doctor while the kids played on the play equipment at a local park. I couldn't talk inside the house, I couldn't MOVE without a little shadow behind me (obviously paranoid, and at that stage, with good reason, she knew I knew something was terribly wrong). I spent over an hour on the cell phone with our doctor telling him EVERYTHING .........

And from there, he finally agreed that 'yeah .. perhaps your right, it doesn't sound right"

And at the next visit told me "nah ..she's fine, don't worry"

I could have killed him with my bare hands

It wasn't until I WROTE down a 4 page letter telling him in print exactly what was happening, what she was doing, how she was doing things, comparing them to her 'before' and 'after' when he FINALLY FINALLY said .....

"Sounds like dementia"

Then I could have kissed him THEN killed him for taking so long to figure out the obvious.

Doctors only see their patients for a very short time, usually people can 'keep it together' for that short time and so the doctor doesn't REALLY get the idea. They need to take time. Make a double appointment if you like ... who cares as long as he get's to see the REAL person at some point.

Keep a journal (just make sure other family members who may perhaps cause trouble can't get to it ~ thats what happened to me) take photo's, get PROOF.

Your ultimate aim is to make them SAFE.