Hi Everyone,
I have posted a few times here about my grandmother, and you have been very kind to me here. I usually post on the Depression Board, but come here sometimes, when things get to me about my grandmothers situation. In saying that, I live 3000 miles from her, and I am obviously not her caregiver. But her situation affects me as though she lives down the street.
Just to briefly recap my story, which I'm sure is a very common one......my grandmother had 10 children, has always been very healthy all her life. Two of her sons have passed away from cancer since the year 2000, and that led her to a deep depression which in my opinion has triggered her dementia. She is now 94. One of her sons that lives with her, because of that, has become her sole caregiver. For 2 and 1/2 years now, he has looked after her 24/7. He is a shell of who he used to be. He never had much of a life to begin with, as my grandmother has manipulated him all his life. But now, he is her caretaker in "every" sense. His life is pure hell, or thats at least how he describes it. All the other siblings that live there (3 daughters and another son)....barely speak to each other. The tension that has occurred within the last two years has been horrible, things said to each other that are unspeakable and what we thought was our family has disintegrated.
My mother feels so guilty about living so far away and her brother do all the work. She flies back and forth, has been there about 10 or 12 times in the last 5 years. She lives her life every single day by the phone. She will not leave the house until she has heard from them, and she rushes home to speak to them before they go to bed. She listens to my uncles rants of exhaustion, of anger, of bitterness, and it wreaks absolute havoc with her depression she has had for many years. He vents at her, she vents at me, and here is the domino effect. The title of my post is "guilt".....because I am tired. Tired of talking about this, tired of everything being so damn gloomy all the time. Tired of talking about hallucinations, pills, urinary tract infections, what she ate or didnt, and of listening to the hatred that runs so deep between our family members now. I am trying to raise my 3 year old son, fighting very hard to raise him in a happy environment....or at least in a "pretend" happy environment. My mom gets very upset and angry alot about all of this, and I end up bearing the brunt of that.
I feel so bad, because I know my uncle has given so much of himself, his entire life, and he is not getting any help, He has every right to vent, to be angry, he has not been treated fairly. And I feel for my grandmother who god bless her, now feels like a burden to her family and that they have abandoned her.
I "know" the best thing for her is professional care.......but as much as I know that, I "know" my uncle will see this through to the end. I think I've mentioned before that they tell him her only option is a mental hospital. He has been to so many doctors and places, I've lost track. She is petrified of being sent anywhere....doesnt matter even if it is the most wonderful nursing home in the world with the best staff. She is petrified. Not one of her 10 children were even born in a hospital. Knowing this is why my uncle will keep her at home, no matter what the cost to him.
So now my mom is considering because of "her" guilt, to go over there again. She has her own health issues, physically and emotionally, but does not know what else to do. If she goes, it will be a band-aid for about a week, and we will go back to square one.
Today I called, and my uncle was so fed up.....his tone is so bitter, he is just ranting. I am not good with confrontation, I get very anxious when someone is very upset....and I dont handle it well. What used to be regular enjoyable calls to my grandmother, I now dread every Sunday afternoon coming. God forgive me for saying that, as I know they are so pathetically in a bad place over there. I feel so bad, I feel like a horrible person for saying these things, but I am tired. So very tired.
How do you get someone to "accept" reality? I know my uncle knows my grandmother will not get any better, the opposite in fact. But my uncle's biggest thing right now, is that things would be so much different if the family would pitch in. I'm sure he's right, but that is not going to happen. We need to deal with what we have, and count them out of the equation. But he is stuck on that, and can not move forward. What do we do?
Thanks to all for listening, sorry this is so long, sometimes I just need to get it out....

Love, Caroline xo

Getting it all out is good, don't ever hesitate. We can't help you but we can and do listen. I'll pray for your situation.

Love,

Martha

I do not know how if there is any advise I can give but your post seems to mirror so many others on these boards who are at their wit's end with a failing loved one, leading to family feuds and worse. It is admirable when a family member takes on the full time care of a parent, but the end result seems to be the same ... bitterness and anger. I can relate to your comments of being tired of your Mother's life and your life revolving around your grandmother's care and condition. My sister and I have the same life though somewhat relieved since our Mom went to a NH, but every conversation works its way around to our Mom, how is her UTI, her leg, her eyes ... should we take her to a specialist, do we think she is getting worse. Where is our brother in this - doesn't phone, doesn't visit - his life is too busy. My sister and I both retired in the last year, both with plans to enjoy life more, but our parent's have taken over our lives. I have cancelled all travel plans and my sister uprooted her life to move closer to the NH. I travel weekly 5 hours each way to spend a day or two with my Mom and to relieve my sister of the constant need to be checking in or visiting. We both feel bitter at times that we have worked so hard all our lives and just when we neared the finish line at work, standing at the end of the line was our poor old parents who didn't want life to be like this for themselves or for us but they needed us. Our Dad died in March.

We could be less involved in our Mom's care now that she is in a NH and we could take back our lives but for some reason we can't separate ourselves. She is our child that we must protect. We have chosen this and know we will stick with it until the end.

Your mother must feel as I do, I'm not the primary care giver but feel I must try to help as much as I can so continue to travel back and forth.

If there is anyone that your uncle might listen to, have them talk to him about putting your grandmother in a NH near where he lives. That way he can keep watch over her but take back a bit of his life. It is the only way when other family members can't or choose not to help. If there is no one to convince him, then just remember it is in his control and he has chosen to do this. It is not your fault or your mother's fault if he is miserable doing it.

Good luck with all of this. You are obviously a very caring individual - take care of yourself and your child - this is priority one.

Shirley

GUILT is a very unhelpful thing ... it makes us feel worse, and we obsess over what we could have done different or better. We really should try to give it up! Try to think of all the good things you did do. We each do only our best, no one is Superwoman.

Your Uncle has chosen his path. Sometimes there is an interdependence going on between the caregiver and the needy person - it is also called "enabling." It is often harder to get the enabler to give up than the truly needy person into care. There is nothing you can do for this self sacrificing Uncle except what you already do - listen to him rant and rave on the phone. This is perhaps the happiest moment of his day or week. He needs to unload. He needs to be a martyr for whatever reason - a psychologist could figure it out. Don't get your own life swept into this unhealthy ritual - if you can't stand it, put the phone on the table and go get yourself a cup of coffee. Come back and say, aha.... reallY? too bad. and go away for a few more minutes.

As for your Mom, I would try to influence her to go less often. Her brother needs the relief, but he isn't accepting the sensible way - a nursing home - and it is his stubbornness that is making his own life so hard. Why does your Mom need to reinforce his unhealthy behavior (enabling the enabler?) Ach! I am not a psychologist, these are just random thoughts that came when I read your letter.

Concentrate on your marriage and your children, make a happy life for them! And get your Mom to make plans for HER old age before it is too late ... I have it in writing that I want to go to a NH any time I show signs of AD. All 3 of my children have that orally and in writing.

Love,

Martha

Ladies, thank you both so very much for taking the time to read my post.
One thing you both said, basically that my uncle is choosing to do this......is something I try to keep in my mind. As much as I would like to see my grandmother remain at home as that is her wish, I dont believe that an entire family should be destroyed for one person. I believe my uncles health and my mom's are as important as my grandmothers. My uncle is 56 and his mother is 94. I am 38 and I will be lucky if my mother makes it to 74 at the rate she's going.
I forgot to mention also that when my grandmother "goes", my uncle will also not even have his home. He has no job, and her pension pays the rent. So there is so very much at stake for him. He loves her, he's given his life to her, all to know that when she goes, he cannot even look forward to getting his life back, because he wont even have a roof over his head. His siblings have all turned their back on him....it's very sad really. Such a tough situation, one minute you just feel so very sorry for him, the next you want to strangle him. Sigh.
Shirley - I relate to your story about your mother, and I admire you and your sisters commitment to staying with her......
Martha - thanks as always for replying to my post.....I wish my family could find the strength as both you ladies have to do the right thing in this situation.

Thanks ladies, really, your words have meant alot to me today. I have to say no matter when I come to this board, I always feel welcome and there is so much caring support here.

Love, Caroline xo