I'm a 23/f. I graduated from college about a year ago. I have no relationship with my parents and that's who I live with currently, and I'm saving up to move out. I was working for the county government for several months and now got a job working at a youth shelter.

There's so much to talk about, I don't want to say it all, it's way too much. But my problem is this, I have lost all interest in doing anything and everything. I used to go to the gym 3-4 times a week and do 30 minutes of cardio. Now I'm lucky if I go once a week and REALLY lucky if I do more than 10-15 minutes cardio... I used to do Pilates/stretching every other day and I haven't done it in about a month now. I don't have the energy to do any of it. I'll sit there trying to do it and something in my head tells me I shouldn't do it... but at the same time part of me is telling me I need to do it, it's like there are two people living inside my head. All I want to do every day is sleep. If I didn't have to wake up for my new job every day I would easily sleep 10-11 hours a night and take a 2-3 hour nap every day. When I'm at the gym I start to cry because I can't/don't want to do anything. It makes me feel so guilty and I don't understand what has happened to me to make me hate the gym so much.

I cry practically every day and feel so hopeless and sad. I think about dying every single day, several times a day. My old therapist described them as passive suicidal thoughts.

There are so many things wrong right now there's not enough time to type them all... I do have a fiance who I love very much and he will never leave me. Even though I have him, I still feel like he would be better off with someone without all my problems.

I obsess over all my problems. I've posted on here about possibly having Herpes and that's all I think about. I used to be about 110 pounds until I thought I was pregnant and gained 12 pounds in a week from stressing/obsessing about it. Now I'm stressed all the time and can't get my weight now. When I get rid of one problem, I move onto the next one and obsess about it.

I feel like I'll never be happy. That I'm keeping myself from being happy. All day I think about allllllll my problems, parents, acne (which I've had for over 5 years), career (I HATE my field and wish I never took criminal justice as a major), exercise, FOOD (when I'm not obsessing over a current problem I think and talk about food constantly), hygiene (I don't even have enough energy/will to take showers, it's so embarrassing, I take showers after I go to the gym...which is like once a week, and my hair gets greasy and my body gets itchy and I get dandruff from scratching my head), herpes, health insurance that I don't have, and everything.

My thoughts constantly jump around and I can NEVER make a freaking decision to save my life. If you watch me walking around, you'd see me dart back and forth because I can't make up my mind...

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Anyone at all? Ugh... I feel like I'll never be happy. I know I should be thankful for my fiance, but all I can think about are the bad things and how it's the end of the world every time something bad happens.

I plan on going on medication when I have health insurance in less than a month, but last time I went to one he put me on Abilify, which did absolutely nothing. What med would you guys suggest for someone like me? Part of the reason I never went on depression meds was because of the weight gain. If I gained weight I wouldn't be able to handle that, it would make me even more depressed, seriously.... Any suggestions?

I weighed myself tonight and i gained 5 pounds this weekend... I tried to go to the gym with my fiance tonight. I ended up going really slow on the bike for 6 minutes and then gave up. I sat down to wait for my fiance and he tried to get me to do stuff but i refused. Finally we left, he didn't even get to do cardio. I got home and started crying. I punched my face several times then scratched my face, it's still burning. All I could think about at the gym was how I wanted to get fat and never go to the gym again for the rest of my life and never drink water, just basically self-destruct. All I want to do is to not go to sleep tonight so it will mess me up tomorrow at work. Why do I want to mess myself up so much? What is wrong with me????????

I don't know what to do. I wish I was dead. All it takes for me to fall apart is something like gaining 5 pounds in a weekend... All I can think about is going to sleep and never waking up.

I would suggest calling a therapist tomorrow and getting into some therapy to start with. From there, you can decide what to do about medication if you need it. While weight gain is an issue with some people, it isn't with everyone. And you could look at it like...if you do get on meds and improve, you should have the energy to go to the gym and work out and that will then even itself out.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Call and make an appt tomorrow. There are services available for people who don't have insurance. Also, there are ways to get meds if you don't have insurance. good luck

Hi Dry, a lot of what you are describing sounds like anxiety. What happened with your parents and you? I think that people become anxious because they never got the opportunity to feel secure while growing up. I have been able to move beyond anxiety to security and so can you.

Our family moved a lot, me and my parents, I'm an only child. They fought a lot, now worse than ever. My father is an alcoholic. Both my parents NEVER let me do anything for myself, or let me have any input in what they were doing. They're still trying to control me. Recently my father manipulated me into calling early in the mornings when I would be going out with friends. I would have to call if I'd be home later than 4:30 (which is when he leaves for work, he wanted peace of mind that I wasn't dead before he went to work). I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I actually did it. It was so humiliating when I had to call in front of people, and i'm 23! They both plan out what I'm going to do when I move out, how I'll move out, where I'll go to get the moving truck, who will drive it, etc., my father plans out what I'll do if/when my car breaks down, who i'll take it to, who's car i'll use while it's being fixed, who i'll buy a car from, etc. All this without asking me what I want to do. I'm soo afraid that they're going to kick me out if I say something about wanting them to leave me alone. They kicked me out a year ago, on the street. I had to pack up my stuff and move out in the same day I was kicked out.

About that.... My parents had an investment account (don't be fooled, we were really poor) for me because my dad had retired and I got social security money, which is what they put in the account. It was used for my college education, and when it was all over there was stuff a few thousand in the account and I was $16,000 in debt. They decided to close the account early, and pay a few hundred in early termination fees, and take some of the money and give me the rest, but not tell me about it. I found out and asked my mom about it, and she lied about how much she took. I was EXTREMELY hurt and frustrated because I was treated like a child once again and not told anything and lied to. I confronted my mom on the amount she took and she flipped out and turned things around telling me I was a child. Well, I don't know what the heck she said to my dad, but I came home the next morning (i was afraid to sleep at home, I'm very afraid of my parents) and my dad refused to let me in and told me something like he wished he never had me. They never spoke to me or tried to contact me to see how I was. I got a 2-sentence card from my mother telling me that THEY were alright, didn't even ask how I was. I became extremely withdrawn and obsessed over the situation. All I could think about what, what happened? What did I do? Why did they do this?

Then I posted on here and got a horrible response (just what I needed...). People told me that I should be ashamed of myself because it was about money. No, it wasn't about money, it was about them treating me like a child. They kicked me out without ever teaching me how to do ANYTHING. I ended up living with my fiance and his parents until we broke up and I had to move back...

Seriously, I'm afraid to post on here out of fear that people are going to be horrible to me. If anyone is goin to post something mean, please just forget it and move on to the next post, I feel horrible enough about my life. When those people posted horrible things about me, I was devastated, absolutely devastated, and hurt, and confused, and angry. I really don't want or need that again.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

They do sound a little controlling. But maybe they were worried about you "partying" till 4:30 in the morning. Maybe your dad worries because he is an alcoholic and doesn't want that to happen to you too. How have your grades been? Can you apply for student loans? The other option would be to take a semester off until you figure out how to pay tuition. May give your mind a much needed break. School/finance/broken relationships are a lot of stress to deal with. Sorry about your pain/upset. I'm going through a hard time in my life as well and it's unbearable. I'm trying to learn to accept that things will turn out for the best, no matter how hard I struggle to make them happen the way I want them too. But It's really hard. Good luck, try

They do sound a little controlling. But maybe they were worried about you "partying" till 4:30 in the morning. Maybe your dad worries because he is an alcoholic and doesn't want that to happen to you too. How have your grades been? Can you apply for student loans? The other option would be to take a semester off until you figure out how to pay tuition. May give your mind a much needed break. School/finance/broken relationships are a lot of stress to deal with all at once. Sorry about your pain/upset. I'm going through a hard time in my life as well and it's unbearable. I'm trying to learn to accept that things will turn out for the best, no matter how hard I struggle to make them happen the way I want them too. But It's really hard. Try to be more independent and your parents won't need to controll things in your life. They can just be there to fall back on if you need them. Good luck.

Thank you for responding to my post!

I actually graduated in may of '06 and the whole money thing happened 2 months later. A week before my graduation my dad came to me and told me that now that I had graduated he was going to leave my mother. Then a week later he changed his mind. He's also is inappropriate with what he tells me about their relationship. He has told me several times and once in the presence of my fiance that he and my mother no longer have sex and such.

I tried telling my mother that my car is MY car and MY responsibility, but she wouldn't listen. All she kept saying was that people do favors for each other and I should be thankful. I repeated it again and she wouldn't listen to me. I feel like I'll never be able to have a relationship with either of them if they never listen. To them I'm just a 23 year old CHILD.

When my parents have fights I can hear my dad tell my mother that he hopes she dies and all kidns of other horrible stuff. All day they talk about how horrible things are for them. And they wonder why I don't like to be around them... It really makes me uncomfortable to be around them, I think they are terrible people. There are just so many things I could get into, but won't for your sakes, that would show why I am the way I am, because everything I do points back to them. I'm not blaming them for who I am, I'm just stating that the mental problems I have right now are a result of genetics and how I was raised and what they showed me. But now that I'm here I have no idea if it's even possible to reverse or fix. I really want to get better and I feel like if I don't do something to "fix" myself that I'm going to keep repeating this cycle of depression and anxiety....

Is it possible?