Hi:

This is just a short explaination to my upcoming absence. At my doctor's appointment it was decided it would be in my best interest to go into the hospital again so that is where I am now heading. I am unsure on how long I will be gone but if the last stay was any indicator a couple of months is not out of the the question. Thank you everyone for your support it is greatly appreciated.

take care
trg247
terry

trg you will be missed. I hope your hospital stay gives you what you need. Can you bring a laptop to the hospital to stay in touch? Good luck and I hope everything works out good for you.
:angel:

good luck :angel:

TRG (Terry).....
Your presence on this board will be missed immensely!!! You are a constant support for people here, and at the same time, so many people here truly care about you!!!
I'm sorry to hear you are going back in the hospital, but I hope some good will come from your time there.
I will say a prayer for you T that things will go well, and look forward to hearing from you!!
:angel: :angel: :angel: Prayers for Terry:angel: :angel: :angel:

Take care of yourself, we will all be here when you get back!!!!

Caroline

Hi:

I am on a weekend pass, my mom took responsibility for me - I have to be watched at all times.

Drugs- I started with Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium and Temazapam. Since the first of the month they have taken me off of Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron and reduced the lithium. This has not been fun and there have been side effects galore. Right now all I am taking is Lithium, Temazapam, Seriquill and Ativan(when needed). I have to remain off all antidepressants for three weeks then they are going to try a new class called MAOI, the drug is Nardil I think.

Treatment - They had me tested for a certain level in my brain that prevents a person from coming too after being put asleep if the level is within range they are going to do ECT treatments again, the hospital I am at is better equipped for bringing people out of their unconscious state. There is no one on one therapy and anyone who know me knows I do not do well in a group.

Mentality - It can't get any worse........I can't literaly go any lower. I am in a nightmare that never ends. I fight the self harm demon it seems on a hourly basis and managed to cut open my wrist using the patient id bracelet. I have snapped twice completely and it took the skills of a very good nurse to bring me back down.

Discharge - My doctor gave me a funny look when I asked. He says if I get lucky and respond well to all treatment/meds then maybe another a month but if things go or stay the other way then its going to be a long time.

The good news is I am seeing my son tomorrow for the first time this month but my exwife has already said she will not bring him to the hospital to see me as it would not be healthy for him which I understand but it is killing me at the same time. I hope everyone is on the right path to mental health and like I said before I will be around til Sunday night. Thanks for the well wishes

take care
trg247

Hi T...It's so good seeing a post from you...although I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through so much, and feeling so low these days. Progress will take time, and it looks as if you still have a long road ahead of you...but try and hang in there. I hope that tomorrow, when you see your son, it will give you the strength that you need to make it till next time. You're a good person T, I really hope that things start getting easier, and this new med will help you more than all the others were. I'll be looking for an update...and again, it's great hearing from you!
Amber

Hey T!!!!
It is so good to "see" you on here!!!!
I am also sorry to hear what you're going through in hospital.....all the side effects, your struggles with SI.....I hope and pray all this you're going through can bring some good for you T, you deserve it. I hope also you dont have to be there that long....do you feel better being out of the hospital if even for the weekend?
On a positive note, I am so happy you can see your son tomorrow. I'm sure despite everything else it will give you some peace, just being able to spend some time with him. And like Amber says, it will give you the strength to get through the next few weeks, I can only imagine how tough it is. I could tell from your posts before you went to the hospital that you werent doing too well, and I'm glad you are getting some help, even if it sounds very hard what you're going through.
It really is nice to see you Terry, the board is not the same without you!!!!

Carsam :)

Hi:

This is just a short explaination to my upcoming absence. At my doctor's appointment it was decided it would be in my best interest to go into the hospital again so that is where I am now heading. I am unsure on how long I will be gone but if the last stay was any indicator a couple of months is not out of the the question. Thank you everyone for your support it is greatly appreciated.

take care
trg247
terry

Dear T,

It is definitely positive news that you are seeking inpatient treatment.

I say this because each of us individually know how we feel both inside and out and I know that this decision was not a rushed one.

Wishing you all the best.

Take care.

Phoenix

Hi Terry,

I'm glad you checked in with us. I'm sorry you are struggling so.

You're a good guy. I know this from your kind posts and for how much you love your son.

Hang in there.

SOE

Hi:

Thanks again for the well wishes, you have no idea what it means.

I had a major breakthrough this past week regarding the relationship with my doctor, turns out he is still my doctor in hospital now I just see him five days a week. Anyway he asked me why I was the way I was and I couldn't answer him immediately so the next day I spent seven hours writing out the answer to his question. He never understood where I was coming from for I don't like to talk about it but turns out I am able to write about it. So at the appointment he sat there and read the nine pages then said "I had no idea, I didn't realize the scope of abuse that you went through and how it is effecting you today" so it was nice to finally be on the same page as him. He also said it is amazing how much I understand the way my brain works to a high level but that can also be a curse, he said most people don't really realize whats wrong but that I know whats wrong but spend so much time picking everything apart and overanalyzing it that it is a factor to why I went over the edge...again. So now I am instructed to write about absolutely everything that goes through my head and any speculation I may have that relates to it then we will deal with it and try to put it to rest. I have sworn about this man for three years and turns out a few hours of homework has put the ball back into motion.

take care
trg247

trg I hope you don't get angry at me for saying this but I can't believe they took you off all of those meds at one time. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. I have to admit to you it really concerned me that you were on all those meds and still not feeling good. I hope it doesn't hurt you that I said that I've just been concerned. I hope so much that you find some peace. I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish you were close to me so I could come see you. Write back soon please.

hey trg! sorry to hear your back in hospital-but maybe its good to get a rest and be away from pressures.

thats so good about your doc-i also find talking truthfully near impossible-its hard for someone not in our position to understand that sometimes you just cannot speak, nor can your brain formulate an answer or words. writing is also my way of getting things done, and yep-i can give you a run for your money at writing 9 pages :P

its good your doc finally gets something-i think thatll be a big factor for you-i hate that though, you say something like 'abuse'-but its just words to them, they cant understand the vividness of it all, how raw it can be and confusing, lonely and makes you feel dead, people tend to just see the face value-the word and put an image in there head-but with no emotion for it. my guess is it is hard for a non-abused person to think the same or follow it all unless they have experienced it and can think like we think or an altared logic at times. its true what your doc said-if left long enough and struggled enough we begin to in a warped kind of way come to understand certain things but remain trapped and confused in it all, its full of contradictions and sometimes i feel like my logic is not made for everyone else and im alone. when you feel crap its natural to analyse, i do it constantly in a desperate attempt to fix me, when nothing else works and they keep telling you to look inside its what you do.

well sorry if that was long and totally off the mark-but i wish you the best of luck for you and your son also, when he is older he will appreicate what you have put up and struggled with for his sake :), you know some people think we are weak, but my counsellor was telling me this week that infact despite our problems at coping with things most people find easy-we are stronger in many ways than them. we are disadvantaged and begin at a lower level so we have farther to climb to reach their level and we are perhaps more equipped to deal in our minds than they are despite it may not look like it-its just we have more to handle and are beginning farther down the ladder. i like to think of it now as when i feel inadequate against someone who just walks out and does what i find almost impossible-i try and look at it as i am strong just because i tried, and even if i ddint at the end of it 'im still here'-and that is hard in itself, nothing about any of this is easy so no one can say we are weak-unless theyre highly uneducated and therefore who cares.

hope i helped xox and take care

Dear Trg,

Your intelligence becoming a hindrance makes all the sense in the world.

You are making headway and that is a positive thing.

You're the one who chose to do things a different way, for it proves fruitless to keep doing the same thing in repetition and expecting different results.

I used the different tenses of the word you to point out the person who deserves credit for all of this happening.

Take care.

Phoenix

Hi:

Coming off the meds has not been fun. I went from 150mg of Effexor to nothing in about four days, Remeron from 60 to 0 in I think three days and have been fighting to stay asleep since, Wellbutrin was again three days. My Lithium was reduced from 1050mg to 750mg and was suppose to gradualy drop to nothing but the advice of the nurses who have to deal with me stopped this from happening but it will be down to nothing before I start the new med. Physically I feel like I have been run over by a truck and I swear I can feel my brain moving in my head. I have lost fifteen pounds in about ten days and it takes a pretty nasty argument from a nurse to get me to eat. Mentaly I feel like I am going to snap all of the time and takes a great deal of concentration to get through anything. My emotions are gone and it really does not concern me what happens or what anyone can do to me yet at the same time I am beyond paranoid and jumpy, the nurses have realized you do not touch me unless I see you coming. The fellow patients have found that I can go from someone capable of counseling them to someone who is capable of ripping their throat out at the blink of the hat - people very carefully ask simple questions to determine the state of mind that I am in. A rollercoaster ride is an understatement which is why I am not allowed to leave the floor and my mom had to promise to supervise me at all times. My mom found my cutting shirt which could almost stand up straight on its own so I had to show her my arms and give an explaination to why I chose to destroy my flesh, the good news is I have not made a mark on my body in the last four days.

The good thing is I was able to see my son for five hours today and got in a lot of bonding time. I speak to him on the phone every second day which I am grateful for but a hug from a three year old does more healing then any med I have ever found.

Again thanks for the support.

take care
trg247

Dear Trg,

It is going to take time to adjust but you know this already.

How many days was Rome built in anyway(all I hear is that it wasn't built in a day; I guess the world will never know) ?

The more you gain "understanding of self" the greater likelihood that a myriad of emotions will accompany these revelations.

Be aware of what is happening and write down the particular feeling at that exact moment.

You may be surprised at what the might pen can wield.

Take care.

Phoenix

Man don't you wish they could sedate you till all those meds were out of you're body so you wouldn't have to feel the effects of coming off them? I think you will feel so much better when all the after effects of withdrawel is over. I know I would feel better for about 2 weeks then I was down again. I hope the ECT helps you this time. Hang in there xx.

Hey TRG,
I am happy to hear about what happened with your doctor. I agree with Phoenix that it is really good for you to keep writing out your thoughts. You have done really well with that.
It is so wonderful to hear you talking about your son T! My son is also 3 years old, so I know exactly what stage your son is at, and how much joy he is giving you. They are just the most beautiful spirits, and at this age, they are still so innocent, yet so intuitive, they know exactly what you need from them. You are lucky to have him, and he is equally as lucky to have you!
I listen to what you say about your mental state, and all those meds...and although I cannot directly relate, I see those things as a part of you, but they do not define you T. Your heart and compassion do that.....because that jumps off the screen at me more than anything else. I truly wish the best for you, and that this time in the hospital can help you.
I guess you will go back to the hospital on Monday.....do you think it has helped you being at home for the weekend?

Peace and blessings to you T,
Carsam :angel:

Hi:

I have to back at the hospital by eight on Sunday. It has been nice to be home and away from the stress and chaos that the other patients create. This hospital has a policy where if you are classified a certain way or at a specific risk level they have to be certain the person who takes them out will take full responsibility and supervise the particular patient. The only person who could get me out was my mom who flew into town just for that reason but do to financial restrictions will not be able to do it again. At the last review I am an 8 or 9 out of ten in terms of the risk scale so I can't sign myself out for a weekend, can't be let off the floor for that matter and a nurse needs to check on me every ten minutes. Right now all of my night meds are kicking in so escuse me for being all over the place. This weekend has been odd because I know I am looking at the least four more weeks til I have a chance of leaving the hospital so I am preparing for that and mentally I am a mess and have spent the last few hours trying not to break down and cry which is very odd as nothing is bothering me. Being able to see my little one is my high point. I keep snapping/yelling at my mom but she realizes I am trying my best to keep things in control. I am seeing things so I need to go to bed.

take care
trg247

Hey T,
I hope you were able to get some rest last night. I feel so bad for you having to go back tonight, it's been nice hearing from you, and I look forward to seeing you posting regularly on the Board again. I wish you could at least have a computer there so you could reach out to the people here that care about you. Remember that there are alot of them....your son being #1. You can get through this, you have gone into hospital, because you are doing what you have to, to get through this. I hope and pray that maybe you will feel better soon enough that you can sign yourself out again for the weekend.
I know there are alot of other patients there, and I'm sure they may not be easy to be around....please try to just focus on yourself, and keep writing down your thoughts T, what you're feeling. Every time you have a tough moment, picture your sons face, as I'm sure you do already, and imagine something wonderful you will do with him, when you get through this. Make plans for the things you'll do together. Hopefully that will get you through some tough moments.

I hope to hear from you again soon!!! Be well T!!!!

Hugs to you....
Carsam:angel: :angel: :angel:

Hi:

Just a quick note. I am heading back out the door very shortly so wanted to say goodbye and thank you all again for your support and well wishes. Right now I am hoping to be back by mid November but only time will tell and I need my brain to react in a positive manner. Until then stay safe and thanks again.

take care
trg247
terry

Good luck my friend and I hope you receive treatment that will allow you to feel much better and allow you to spend more time with your little one. :)

I might be joining you soon as I am seeing the doctor sometime this week at the hospital in my city. I might be hospitalized but I'm not exactly sure.

Best wishes to you trg247!

Hi T...Not sure if you'll get this or not, but just wanted to say good luck, and I'm thinking of you. Stay strong...we're all pulling for you here, and we'll be waiting for your return. I've been thinking of you all weekend, and I pray you get another trip home soon. (((hugs)))
Amber

Hi Terry, I haven't been here in ages, couldn't find my password, have a new screen name (was mnut). I didn't see your posts but thank goodness for the search function.

So, you finally got to go to the hospital. Unless things changed, this is a good thing. It sounds like such a physical and emotional struggle that you're going through, though. That tapering schedule sounds like it was a nightmare!! Perhaps by now, 2 weeks after you posted last, you're finding the MAOI helpful.

I'm so glad your doctor finally has a clue. What a huge change in your interaction with him. It seems he is on your side bigtime now. It's about time something positive came about in your medical care.

Wishing you the best, along with the rest of the crowd here. Be well my friend.

Diane

Hi Trg, so glad that you and your doc have a better understanding of each other. I also hope that you are finally getting the help that you need. Take care!

Thank you all for the well wishes and thoughts. I was discharged this morning which I will post on more later

take care
trg247

Hey welcome back!
We missed you!
:angel:

Hey welcome back!
We missed you!
:angel:

I second what Rosequartz said! Hope you're doing well, T...glad to see you back.
Amber

Hey T!!!!

It is great to see you!!! You have been missed!
How are you feeling? I hope your stay has been positive for you.....
Let us know how you're doing when you're feeling up to it. It must feel good to be home?

Welcome back!!!

Carsam:)

Hi:

Thanks again for all of the warm thoughts and wishes. mnut, was going to use your other "name" but my memory is not great at the moment it was good to hear from you as it has been some time. Everything else I guess is explained or at least explored in the other post but wanted to say thanks again.

take care
trg247