I'm new to this site...I have a mother with dementia, father who is recovering from brain surgery and heart attack....and I'm the only child...last year, when he suffered his first heart attack, I asked my father whether we should start my mom at a adult day care...I felt that in case something else happened in the future, at least she'll be taken care of at a safe place...and I wouldn't have to take off work so frequently...he felt he could care for her at home....well, we spent over 2 weeks away from home while he recuperated at the hospital...she became confused and depressed...didn't know where we were or why her husband was in the hospital....when we came home, I tried to set up a caregiver and day care for her....well, the caregiver started off so good, then my mom went psycho...she said my dad and I were in some kind of conspiracy to send her away...she couldn't handle another person in her home...(she was only there from 4-7 pm...enough time to prepare hot meal, and make sure they took a bath without falling..) In the end, he gave in to her demands...I don't blame him...she verbally abused him every minute of the day while he was still recuperating....well...now that things have settled down somewhat, I suggested maybe bringing her back few time a week so that she'll get used to having some help...he feels he doesn't need her because he's well enough to take care of my mom...well, I don't want to get stressed out...I don't need her psycho outbursts....I am so burnt out, I feel like I'm going to get stroke and heart attack....I'm so angry, I haven't talked or seen them for over 2 weeks....I screen my calls so if it's them calling, I won't answer....I feel terrible and guilty one minute and mad and I don't care another minute....please advise...

Sorry you are in this terrible position.

Take a few deep breaths and calm down. There is a solution to all these problems - it may not be the ideal scenario, but there are ways to get help.

First of all, please understand that your Mom's bad behavior, yelling and accusations are not the real her. The Dementia changes a person into someone who is 'an Imposter" of her true self. IF she knew how awful she was behaving, she would be appalled.

It's not her fault. Her world has come crashing down around her and she doesn't know what to do - she is scared, afraid, terrified, and angry. Who gets the blame - you guessed it - her husband (whose brain surgery left her 'all alone in a strange place' - and as a dementia victim her whole world revolves around HER, so she cannot have any empathy for him and his pain) and her daughter, who is also unable to make the confusion go away.

My Mom hated having home health aides in her apartment - but I had to go to work, someone had to be there. She was dangerous - left pots on the stove until eveything burnt up, etc.

Now fast forward to a couple of agonizing years later. She was hurt falling, broke a hip, did not recover, and HAD to go to a nursing home. She loved it. Strict routines, all decisions made for her, friendly staff, many interesting activities, bathed and fed and cared for like a baby (which she had become)..

There is an answer, whether home care (she will eventually accept it), or a group residence, assisted living where both parents could be together, or a traditional nursing home.

Don't say 'never!" because often it is the best solution for the patient. Mom was so much happier there than at home. Now she is in the last stage of life, close to death. I find myself speaking about her in the past tense.

God bless all caregivers.

Love,
Martha

Bless you car and know Martha is right. There IS a solution. Take a step back, calm down, and breath. I relate to your feelings. Not so long ago I was where you are. Dad with his heart and his dementia and then Mom with her alzheimer. Mom was Dad's caregiver for years before she became impaired. She did not want in home care even though she needed it so we told her that we were hiring somebody to "help with Dad". In fact the sitter was there for BOTH of them. It worked for a while until Mom ran off the sitter. I have been so angry with my Mom that I refused to talk to her. My body, brain, and heart needed the respit. The next day I was dealing with it again because it doesn't go away. We finally took the giant step and put Mom and Dad in Assisted living three weeks ago. They are in an apartment together and it is wonderful!!! Mom loves it, Dad is adjusting, and I can sleep at night. I am not getting repeated horrible phone calls. I actually call and find Mom and Dad laughing about something. This from two parents that swore they would never go to a "home". The new assisted living centers are more like vacation hotels with call bells and medications delivered by room service instead of the old nursing homes they remember. A year ago I didn't see a solution. Now we have one.

Know there is help and solutions on the horizon. You just have to find the one that is right for you. Know I will keep you, and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I wish for you the energy, patience, and creativity to find the solution that is right for you.

Love, Deb

thank you for your kind words and support....I'm trying to cope with this situation in a logical way...sometimes, it doesn't work...so....one day at a time. My dad is doing so well, he's back to his old ways....denial, denial, denial....my husband tried to bring up the subject about mom attending adult day care and dad promptly changed the subject...I get so frustrated...I just dread the next time something happens...but I have to keep on saying to myself....one hour at a time, one day at a time....don't stress....easier said then done...but reading some of the postings on this site is enlightening me in many ways...again, thank you to you all for letting me vent and for all your great support....