:( This is my 1st time posting on this board, i read posts often but haven't had the courage to post until now. Over the past yr i think i have been experiencing anxiety and depression. I am a 26 yr old full time college student and i also work full time in retail. I don't eat much, im currently 93lbs and 5'5, i want to weigh more but when i feel depressed or anxious i don't eat. I feel faint, dizzy lightheaded, fuzzy head, chest tightness, feel like i can't breath, cant sleep too good at night, take naps during the day, things that usually make me feel happy dont anymore, i dont want to do day to day things because i just dont get fufillment from them anymore. I started having bad panic attacks at school and work so i have only been to work 2 times in the past month. Now i feel so hopeless all the time, i just want to sleep or read a book. I don't drive and my last panic attack was on a bus so now im terrified to get on the bus alone. I fear i may lose my job if i am out any longer.That worries me a lot but right now i my health is more important and i need to start feeling better. I went to the doctors yesterday but they just wanted me to be in a drug research program so i said no after they evaluated me as having generalized anxiety, panic disorder and depressive symptoms. I am very against antidepressents because my grandmother committed suicide after being on one because of depression. I found a place that focuses on talk therapy so i called there yesterday and made an appointment for next monday. I can't seem to focus on my school work and i usually love school, im an honors student ect. I have been living with my Boyfriend for 3 yrs and last june he gained full custody of his 2 daughters ages 7 and 9 so now i help him take care of them full time along with school and work. I had a very difficult childhood, my father is an alcoholic. I lived with my parents until i was 23 yrs old. My current boyfriend made me move in with him when he saw how i was living. My father spent most of his money on alcohol and gambling so our house was falling down around us. The roof was caving in, we had water leaks everywhere, mold, roaches, mice, toilets that didnt flush right, squirrels got into the house , it smelled, it was dirty, the furniture was falling apart, it was really bad. On top of this my dad would come home drunk and verbally abuse me and my mom. He has called me nasy names, told me he didn't love me, i wasn't the daughter he wanted, threatened to kill my mother ( he was a cop so he a gun in the house). He still tells me to this day that my mother is crazy and she is proably going to end up like my grandmother and kill herself. The worst thing he ever said to me was that the best thing i could do is kill myself. I cut myself in highschool. I never wanted to kill myself just cause physical pain to help the emotional pain. He tried to break my computer, he did break my cell phone one night when i tried to call 911. My mom finally left him maybe 2 yrs ago, but she was so afraid she moved out when he was out gambling and drinking and didnt leave a note. He called me drunk that night and i had to tell him my mother left. Then he moved in some woman maybe a yr later, he still lives with house like it is, i think it should be condemmed. I also found out that he got a woman pregnant before my mother and him got married but he denied it. He lies all the time, thinks love is conditional, still drinks, denies anything being his fault. I don't cut myself anymore but i will pinch myself or hit myself if i get fustrated or really upset. People look at me like they don't know why i would be depressed since i dont live with him anymore but he is my father. We still have contact with each other and sometimes he will call my cell hpone drunk and leave messages. When i confronted my mother recently about my depression she called him and left messages saying it was all his fault i was like this and he called me saying he knows he wasnt a perfect father but that he wasn't that bad... I didnt need them to turn on each other and play the blame game. I just need help and i am hopeless, ebarassed and i feel like i should be over everything by now but i am nowhere near that. At my job they act like its a huge deal when i am absent and they spread rumors aorund about me and why i am out. I have been there for 9 yrs and i only make $8 an hr, its pathetic. I want to go on short disability to get myself better and focus on school and my well being but i am worried they will think i am just being lazy and i dont need it. But i need to get better:( I am a very smart person but my depression has kept me from obtaining a better job. If it wasnt for my boyfriend i probably would still be cutting myself. I just feel so sad and hopeless

I"m also a full time college student, though lucky enough not to have to work right now. And frankly I don't have near what is going on in your life. What about the school counseling center? Have they helped at all? The one at my college is simply wonderful. Also professors can be a wonderful support net, as well as work with you on assignments and such. Maybe you can get deadlines extended or assignments dropped. I've been able to do that and it was a great help. I know it's especially frustrating because you sort of can't believe how you can think as irrationally as you do in college. At least that's what I used to beat myself up about.

About the ADs. I can understand your hesitation, but you have to also consider the good that they do thousands of people. There are likely many other variables that caused your grandmother to do what she did. You may find one that helps you tremendously, so why put that off and go thru what you are going thru because of one incident that may not have even been related to the drug?

I think talk therapy is extremely important and should go along with any meds, but sometimes it's not enough. Good luck

Hi Katie,
Sorry to hear of your troubles.
I think you did the only thing you could do in your position when you moved out with your boyfriend. Thank goodness you have someone to support you.
You are right, you really need to focus on yourself right now, and working through your depression and all this stuff with your parents. I'm very sorry they do that to you, put you in the middle of them. I have been there.
I can tell you from experience Katie, that no matter how old you get, they will still do it. I am 38 years old, and I still get in the middle of my parents, whether I like it or not. It is not your responsibility to take care of your parents, although it sounds like no matter what's happened, you still love them. Sheesh, it's funny how parents seem to always worry about how their kids will turn out. Really, it's the other way around sometimes!
I'm not saying to cut them off, but at this point in your life, you need to focus on yourself. Once you are in a better place, you can reach out to them, and as long as they're willing to try to be better people, maybe you can salvage something. If not, then sadly, you do need to move on if you want some form of stability and happiness.
Also, your job is not pathetic. Everyone's job is valuable. If it no longer makes you happy, then that's what matters. If you can do without it, try to, and concentrate on your schoolwork and your health. Maybe try therapy, I think that would help with your anxiety. And if you are making roads to help yourself, maybe it will be easier to handle your job, if you need to keep it.
Good luck, and keep posting any time you need to talk.
Welcome to the Board!!!

Carsam:)