Im engaged to be married next January 1. Myh fiancee suffers from depression but it seemed to be undercontrol. She wanted to get off meds like everyone would want to. When she does (every bloody time) she hits a depression so debilitating tha t I start to go through depression. every thing is blown out of proportiojn

I am trying to be as supportive as I can all the time. Trying. It is never enough and it's more, more more. She has agreed to see a psychologist some time if the meds dont work out. I beg and push but nothing. I can barely hold on it's affecting my health, work, other relationships.

I think it will get so bad after we are married that I'll run away and divorce, or I'll start an affair, or go into a depresion myself.

I am totally lost, and do not think I can handle this at all. Many other men would have left a long time ago. Am I stupid? Please help, I want to be married and be happy.

I am so deeply sorry for both of you.
I will say that I was married for 15 years. I knew about my wife's depression prior the wedding and I still felt obligated to support her.
In our case, each year became more difficult and she needed more "things" to redirect or numb the depression. She always needed a new car, a new house, a new job, another child...it was always something and I could never get her to stop. I could never get connected to her. Even though she was in the house I felt alone...Her family suffered with a similar behavior.
I thought I was doing the right thing by sticking by her. Last year, after 15 years of marraige, she started an affair, then divorced me. I lost my house, I lost being able to see my two children every day and now I am forced to support them while I have developed a chronic illness. Now I am constantly struggling to keep from hurting myself to end the pain.
I know this....ending a relationship is ALWAYS hard, but you really need to think about yourself too...about what is best and most healthy for you.
I thought I'd get married and I always had "divorce" in the back of my head as an "easy" out. I made a horrible horrible mistake and I wish I could go back.

I hope you will think about yourself and decide what is the best option for YOU and still be supportive of your fiance'.

Wow...I just read both of these posts, and must say they really made me sad!!!

First of all..."itsmylife"...I'm sorry to hear about all you've gone through, and can completely understand why you're devastated. But please, whatever you do, don't hurt yourself "to end the pain." You may end YOUR pain, but you will just be starting a vicious cycle of pain for your children. Trust me, I lost my mother at a young age under terrible circumstances, so I know!

Mirrorreality...Do you have any idea WHY your fiance is depressed? Some people just assume that the only thing a depressed person needs is pills...that's not always the case!! Of course, I don't know anything about her history...does she have a difficult/complicated past?? Either way, even if she doesn't, she would probably benefit from psychotherapy (talking with a counselor) in addition to medicine. And also, how many different anti-depressants has she tried? I, for example, tried Zoloft and it didn't help me much...but I find Cymbalta helps a lot more.

My advice?? I would say, postpone the wedding. I am married...and I agree with "Itsmylife"...divorce is NOT some easy way out! Actually, I hope you don't take this the wrong way...but you don't sound ready for marriage, at least not to this particular woman. The fact that you're already thinking about divorce or an affair is a VERY bad sign! And divorce/affairs cause SO MUCH PAIN, for everyone involved. If your fiance is already depressed, could you imagine what divorce and/or an affair would do to her?! If you really love her, you will not put her through that...even if it means breaking things off now. But my advice is for both of you to seek help...maybe even get counseling together (but she should still get her own counseling, separately). Whatever you do, don't go into marriage the way things are now!

Good luck!

Also, if your fiance has ongoing depression...she should NOT be stopping her medications! Serious clinical depression is a REAL ILLNESS! Of course, only a qualified mental health professional can tell if she is clinically depressed, but from your description, it sounds like she is. If that is the case, she cannot just stop the meds...there is a very high chance she will relapse!! I am not a doctor, and she should definitely see a PSYCHIATRIST to confirm what her illness is, if she hasn't already. But from the way it sounds, your fiance does not sound like she could just go off the meds and be okay. Many people make that mistake, and it's a very serious one to make.

she wants to be off the pills because she hates the pills also to lose the weight. for some reason she is allergic to exercise, but every other person alive can do it. There's always an excuse.

In recent days including her most recent meltdown Ive really thought Id be happier with someone else, and leaving.

I should take her route and give the ultimatum "see a psychologist or I am leaving you". It's good enough for her to do it to me why not?

How is she allergic to excercise? What happens?

The only person you can change is yourself and whenever you find yourself in a position of having the life sucked right out of you then you know that something needs to change. I had a relationship like that...no matter how much you give it isn't enough and nothing ever changes. I had to end the toxic relationship for me to get on with enjoying life. But you must be sure this is what you need to do and never look back and don't go back and forth. I suspect she may go to therapy to please you but it should be to please herself but in the end her history suggests she will resort back to her old ways as see seems to get more mileage out of people by playing the victim. good luck to you.

Uuumm...she may not purposely be "playing the victim." She may just have true mental problems that she cannot help! However, if she's not willing to continue on medications...when it sounds like she needs them...then that is a BIG problem.

Mirrorreality--Regardless of all this, it doesn't sound like you're totally enthused about marrying her. I'm not an expert, but from the comments you're making, it sounds like maybe you should call off the wedding...Marriage is just a MASSIVE commitment, and if your heart isn't totally in it, you will be in for a long miserable road. That may sound harsh, but better to realize it before you're in too deep.

Many other men would have left a long time ago. Am I stupid? Please help, I want to be married and be happy.

mirrorreality, I don't mean to be unkind but your statement "Many other men would have left a long time ago" is EXACTLY the statement I hear from my husband virtually every day that he is home. I have panic, anxiety and now, depression, also. I have tried antidepressants and had to quit taking them due to adverse side effects. I am battling all of these things alone, he is of no support whatsoever and I would like to tell you that a LOT of my depression and anxiety has been brought on by his actions. He DID run off and start an affair/s and he did this at a time when I was panic free and working full time as he wished me to do. So what good did it do me? I would tell you that if you're even thinking this way before the wedding, you'd be doing your fiance a favor to leave now. Don't marry her and then put her through even more distress in the future. I know, been there, had that done to me. Sorry, but I don't think you truly are caring of her. True love doesn't work this way, selfishly even though it's portrayed not to be selfish. Again, I'm sorry but my husband has broken my heart too many times and I don't want to see another woman go through what I've gone through, and like me, not have the strength to move on. Leave. Now. For her sake.

This is so hard, and I really feel for you. I have had clinical depression (a long time ago) , took meds and had sessions with a psychiatrist - and I recovered. The support of people who loved me(actually only those who loved me and made sure I got the treatment I needed) was invaluable.

Having said that, I would never marry into this situation. When I was in that state I had no empathy for my partner's needs and very little connection to him. I am also recently fresh out of a twenty year relationship with someone who was constantly depressed and would never accept help. Let's just say I have no fear of going to hell because I've already been there. You don't need to live a life like that, so don't choose to.

I'd say first postpone the wedding (on the grounds that she is not well), second insist/support on appropriate treatment. If there is no success or follow-through with treament, think seriously about what it means to the rest of your life, and the wellbeing of any children you might have.

As you can tell, I'm conflicted because I have been on both sides of this situation. IF you can get her to accept help, and she gets better, then that is wonderful. But if that doesn't happen think seriously about consigning yourself to a lifetime of misery and potentially damaged children

Everone has the right to happiness - I have no idea how deeply you feel about this person so I apologise if any of this comes across as crass. Help her if you can, but don't sign up to a lifetime of torment.

Interesting post! I am on my 13th year of marriage as a matter of fact have an anniversery this month.When they say in good times and in bad, those words have alot of meaning in true love and most come to find out when things go bad. I began suffering with major depression and anxiety 6 long years ago,it pretty much hit me out the blue.It caused problems with my job and eventually caused us to loose everything we had, house,property,cars you get the picture...I struggled with jobs maybe 7-8 in those lost years.Here I am now years later unable to work a full time job,trying everyday to make ends meet, bills up to our neck and not to mention we have a beautiful 6 year old girl. Has it had an effect on our marriage? Yes it has, we take nothing for granted not even a peice of bread,we have been through hell and back holding hands the entire way.If I didnt have my wife by my side during my sickness I doubt I'd be here today typing this.I see mental disorders as a disease just like cancer both take its toll on you as well as your partner and it can happen at any time regardless if it's your 1st or 50th year of marriage,when it does what do you do? I never imagined 13 years ago standing in front of that preacher I would be like I am now and neither did my wife and no one is ever prepared, sickness will come to us all at some time or another in our lives and that's when we need each other the most.I think anything can destroy a marriage if you let it.My advice is if your second guessing now you will be second guessing later but if you truely love this person work with her to get better, go that extra mile and it will usually be worth it.

I read your post and i can only imagine what you and your wife have gone through already. I just started to date this woman with depression and it really breaks my heart to see her like that and it is affecting our relationship. I need to know methods of dealing with it and how i can help her. Right now i feel like its all coming back on me cause she doesnt know how to deal with it.Please help me i love her.