My father, who had an abdominal aortic aneurism plus vascular dementia (not serious), passed away on the 29th of Sept. He was in the locked AZ. ward with my mom who has fairly advanced AZ.

The last two weeks of his life, they had been able to be in the same room together. He was so delighted that they were together again as they had been married for 64 years. The burden of taking care of Mom and her disease had fallen on Dad's shoulders as I live on the East Coast and they are in Minn. and as the older generation is, they "didn't want to worry me." Dad never did figure out how to deal with Mom and how she acted as it claimed her mental powers and I ached to see him struggle to understand how his wife had slipped away from him, slowly but surely.

Dad passed Wednesday morning after he got dressed for breakfast. He sat down in his wheelchair, looking at my mother, who was still asleep, and he slipped away looking at his beloeved wife.

My mother looked for him in the unit....didn't ask, but she looked for him. Didn't eat much, just sat and looked.

I didn't take her to the funeral because that would have been for my benefit, not for hers. The weather wasn't good and I don't need her sick. After the service my husband and I went back to her NH and I told her that Daddy had passed and that we had had the funeral. She looked at me and told me to "get out." Then she sat and said "no, no,no." rocking back and forth and wringing her hands. The misery in her eyes almost did me in. I thought her guardian angels had insulated her pretty much, but she knew what I was telling her. I guess 64 years of marriage is hard to put aside even with dementia. She looked so miserable and sad it tore us apart as if losing your father isn't bad enough. We tucked he into bed with Daddy's blanket to keep her safe....

I don't know who I felt sorrier for....

My sympathy and prayers are with you and your Mom, IBake. I am so sorry for your loss. You can find comfort in the knowledge that your Mom and Dad were able to spend time together at the end. What a wonderful long relationship they had and a testement to their dedication to each other. I wish for you the strength and energy to continue on your journey with you Mom.

Love, Deb

I'm so sorry. My deepest condolences. I am glad for both of your parents that they were able to be together, for the last little bit of his life.

I think you made the right decision in not taking her to the funeral.

If she asks for him again and again, it would be easier on both of you (if she forgets he has passed away) to say, " I am not sure where he is, he'll be back soon." That is a little white lie so she won't have to go through the shock of losing him anew every time she is told. ..

Love,

Martha

Such challenges for you ibake&pray! So sorry for the loss of your father...and the sad feelings about your mother. This horrendous disease not only touches the inflicted...but everyone else too.

I sure agree with Martha...sometimes "the truth" is better left unsaid. .....Pam:(

Yes, sometimes telling the truth ISN'T the right way to go.

You've told her once, you saw the reaction, I doubt very much you'll want to go THERE again !! ;)

We had a lovely little lady who passed away a few months ago. Her husband had passed away a few months before that. She was told ... once ... and she said "yes, he was very ill, he's ok now" but for herself, she started slipping away to the point of asking us to help her die (now THAT'S hard) she finally had a horrendous fall and passed away within the week.

She got her wish.

The cold hard truth is most dementia people die a slow and miserable death. Whatever we can do to make them smile makes it that little bit easier.

I am so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing in not taking your mom to the funeral. That would have just added to her sadness and confusion.

Something Angelbear said that reminded me of my grandma after she was put in a NH. At this point, the only person she could remember as far as names go was her daughter's husband. Whenever we went to visit her and Lonnie wasn't there, she'd ask "Where's Lonnie?" After several times of explaining that Lonnie wasn't coming and her getting more confused, I said "Lonnie went to get you some ice cream. He'll be here in a little bit". She was happy as a lark! Ice cream was the magic words for her.

Ibakeandpray, you and your family are in my prayers.

Love, Barb

Thanks to all of you. YOur words comfort me.

I check with the staff daily and Mom is slowly doing better. They have her on a two week grief watch. She has been a favorite there since she arrived and everyone used to be so tickled to see Mom and Dad walking the halls holding hands and eating together, sharing bananas...an old family breakfast routine for them.

The staff is keeping her busy with activities and she gets plenty of hugs and loves from them. We found this place by chance and it has been a god send for us all the way around. The staff - at least 90% of them are angels who adore my mom and go out of their way to keep their eyes on her and make sure she is OK. It the best we can do for now.

Thank you again for your support. It make the burden somewhat lighter as we suffer through it. I never thought that Daddy would go first. We always thought that it would be Mamma that went.....