Well, today is my deceased best friend's 31st birthday. I went to mass this morning and then to the cemetary. Today was a hard day for me, as are anniversaries in general. I'm having major body image issues and have thoughts of being fat and that I want to lose additional weight. I have a certain number that I want to achieve and the scale is working against my current thought process. I took diet pills today for the first time since late March 2007. I worked so hard at being clean from them and feel so damn pathetic now. I hate feeling so desperate, but my thoughts are if I can lose additional weight then I'll be okay. Intellectually, I know that I will never be thin enough in the land of an eating disorder. I've been skipping meals for the past month and quite honestly felt myself sinking further into a hole. It seems that this time of year is difficult for me, especially October which is breast cancer awareness month.

I'm really feeling as though I need to lose weight and have narrowed the scope of my safe foods. I'm wondering if other people can relate to my post, as I am really feeling so lost and out of control, which is quite distressing.

One of the things that I learned (through both personal experience and with being taught by others) is that relapsing is a part of recovery. This doesn't mean to use relapsing as an excuse to say 'oh, well it's okay, im recovering.' However, do not be harsh on yourself. Relapses happen. Especially on special days. However, going from March 2007 through now is a LONG time ... and it shows just how strong you are! As easy as it always is to get back into old habtis, you are clearly a strong person who can make it!

dont focus on the negative!! you slipped up but there is always tom to fight again, dont focus on the fact you did take the pill look at the fact that you know you have the strength to stay off them for months! that is fantastic and i admire you so much for it! i am tapering off laxatives at the moment i was taking ten times the recommended amount and am now and the normal daily dosage its been so hard i feel terrible and huge and this current point in my life is very hard (my dad passing away a few yrs ago is the main reason for my ED but now every change or drama that happens my ED goes wild so i know how you feel darl) i had a slip up the other day i was freaking out and bought laxatives and took almost triple the amount i was meant to and i felt awful for it i was so disappointed but i remember that this is a huge fight we are up against and there are always slip ups but as long as i dont let it beat me i will get up and try again tom im still winning :) i threw the packet in the bin and havent gone back for extras this week...i hope this helps you as i know how hard it is to go through grief and have an ED and it is hard its horrible as the ED goes mental on you esp in times like these..i want you to know you are very brave and i am enspired by you that you were able to stay off the tablets for so long! remember tom is a new day you dont have to let ED win, you know your bigger and better than it

Scarlet, sorry to hear about your relapse. I have to be very careful because there are so many things that trigger me. Stress at work, home, with finances, body image - it doesn't take much. Recalling the birthdate of your lost friend must have been very difficult for you. I hope you can accept your relapse as part of your recovery and try to move on. I can relate to you and know very well that the road to recovery is not a smooth one.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied and for your words of encouragement.

I guess that it is time to verbalize that I was and continue to be devestated by her death. She didn't want to die and I didn't want her too. So many times I wished that we could have switched roles, but then realized that thats not the answer either. I miss her and I miss the life that we shared. It seems that my "new friend" is these diet pills, as they continue to provide a false sense of security.

It is so strange to me, how life can change so quickly. I'm not one to get close to people or to show my emotions to them. I'm the strong one, the one who's there for other people. Since Kelly's death, I feel numb and at certain time when I do get emotional, the pills help to conteract that feeling of vulnerability.

I can't beleive that I let Kelly get that close to me, as this is totally outside my comfort zone. She just ment the absolute world to me and life is not the same without her.

I'm still taking these pills within the recommended dosage even though I am experiencing some of the side effects. I'm also finding that I am restricting during the day and then binging at night. The scale is then my enemy in the morning. Intellectually, I know that this is stupid, but right now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride.