Hi everyone,

I have always been responsible when it comes to protecting myself and my parteners. I have been tested before starting a new relationship and always made sure my partener did the same. Last October I had my first outbreak while on a trip with my new friend. They treated me for a vaginal infection. A friend of my took me aside and said that it sounded like herpes to her!!!
When I told my boyfriend I was feeling so guilty... I had brought this Bad desease to our couple. Well he tells me that come to think of it he was in an 11 year relationship with a girl that had herpes.
I have stayed with him for the last year because I figure no one else would want me. But I have changed my mind. Anyone that could be so careless with my health does not deserve to be in my life.
He had the nerve to say that he should get tested to see if he has it!!!! I have never felt so alone and scared and ashamed. I am such a caring loving and genuine person. Is there anyone out there that understands my grief...

He broke your trust...but I also have the sense he did not think the herpes was a big deal. His old girlfriend had it and he probably did not have noticable symptoms so like a lot of uninformed people, he thought he did not have it. He may be afraid to be tested to find out the truth because then he will be obligated to tell new partners. He sounds immature to me.

Having herpes is no reason to stay with someone who is not right for you. You can find someone who loves you for who you are and won't care that you have herpes.

Do you want to leave him because you have herpes?? At no time have you said that he objects to you having this virus and it being in your lives. I agree with MOT that he likely just had no idea that he may or may not have it and is probably uninformed. But from what you say, it doesn't sound like he's the one making it an issue... you are.

So do you want to leave him because you have herpes, when he is willing to accept you and love you as you are. Or is there another reason you want to leave. If it's all about the herpes, then it sounds like maybe you haven't yet accepted having herpes. I don't mean to sound really harsh, because we all sympathise with the situation. We've all gone through the acceptance stage, the guilt, humiliation etc. But finding someone who will love you for who you are is a rare thing, herpes or not. If this is a deep loving relationship that you are trying to avoid because you can't accept yourself, I'd reconsider. Maybe some counselling might be right for you...

Then again, if he's making you feel unloved and being a complete *** about it, then move on.

Pretty much everyone, unless they have reason to do research, thinks that you can only have herpes if you have sores like you see in the pictures and if you don't have any sores then that means you don't have herpes. Unfortunately this is soooo untrue! But most people cannot wrap their brains around the fact that you can have herpes and NOT know it! You can spread herpes without symptoms. This is such a bazaar virus! It's so taboo that it's not discussed like it should be! What's weird is that it's taboo but yet millions of people have it? So anyway...back to the BF of yours...if he is like everyone else, he assumed that if he had herpes then he'd know it. He probably just never dreamed he had it. I also got herpes from my now husband that did not know he had it. My situation is even dumber really because he got a couple bumps from time to time...I actually saw this and didn't think any more of it than he did...so really I can't blame him any more than I blame myself because neither one of us thought that a tiny raised welt is herpes. How stupid we were! We aren't stupid anymore but unfortunately it's too late.:o

Pretty much everyone, unless they have reason to do research, thinks that you can only have herpes if you have sores like you see in the pictures and if you don't have any sores then that means you don't have herpes. Unfortunately this is soooo untrue! But most people cannot wrap their brains around the fact that you can have herpes and NOT know it! You can spread herpes without symptoms. This is such a bazaar virus! It's so taboo that it's not discussed like it should be! What's weird is that it's taboo but yet millions of people have it? So anyway...back to the BF of yours...if he is like everyone else, he assumed that if he had herpes then he'd know it. He probably just never dreamed he had it. I also got herpes from my now husband that did not know he had it. My situation is even dumber really because he got a couple bumps from time to time...I actually saw this and didn't think any more of it than he did...so really I can't blame him any more than I blame myself because neither one of us thought that a tiny raised welt is herpes. How stupid we were! We aren't stupid anymore but unfortunately it's too late.:o
I have had a few days to stew in my self pity and will be leaving my partener. He was married to a doctor for 11 years and she told him point blank that he would have herpes. He chose to have a mental blank. As far as I am concerned I intend to disclose my situation to any future parteners no matter how much I would want to hide this appendange that my soon to be Ex decided to give me. He is an SOB and I was just to ashamed to make the right decision a year ago.

By all means, leave your partner if that's what's right for you. But I also want you to consider that, even if his ex told him he would have herpes, most people don't know that they can transmit the virus without showing signs. Even if he was with a doctor, he may not have known this. I'm not necessarily standing up for him, or endorsing the fact that he's given you the virus - but he very well may not have known the consequenses of his actions. And in this he would not be unique.

You never mentioned if there was other issues with your relationship, or if this was the one problem. Whether or not he minds the fact that you have herpes, etc. If it's all about the herpes, try finding out exactly what he knew before - you may find that his information on the virus was lacking, causing him to spread it. If there are other issues we don't know about, that's a different thing. But again, I'd hate to see a good relationship die because of a miscommunication - because he didn't know and you think he did.

By all means, leave your partner if that's what's right for you. But I also want you to consider that, even if his ex told him he would have herpes, most people don't know that they can transmit the virus without showing signs. Even if he was with a doctor, he may not have known this. I'm not necessarily standing up for him, or endorsing the fact that he's given you the virus - but he very well may not have known the consequenses of his actions. And in this he would not be unique.

You never mentioned if there was other issues with your relationship, or if this was the one problem. Whether or not he minds the fact that you have herpes, etc. If it's all about the herpes, try finding out exactly what he knew before - you may find that his information on the virus was lacking, causing him to spread it. If there are other issues we don't know about, that's a different thing. But again, I'd hate to see a good relationship die because of a miscommunication - because he didn't know and you think he did.
No there were other issues and not just the herpes. It is because I have finally mustarded up the courage to leave that brings up all the worries about a possible future. I am a well educated person and I think that I would have said no to a relationship with a person with herpes prior to being infected. So how can expect acceptance knowing how my thoughts were about people with herpes. I really thought that it was ignorance and lack of education... boy I was so closedminded and self-centered.

Good morning everyone,

Well I said goodbye to my now Ex and he said again that he should get tested to see if he has it. I pulled off the internet the symptoms for the first outbreak after being infected with Herpes. I hate the fact that I am textbook material. It clearly said that once infected the outbreak occurs within the first 2 weeks (we had sex for the first time less the a month before the out break). I had fluelike symptoms, Abdominal pain, excrusiating pain while urinating, lympnoids swelled up but no lesions. But there are no lesions at this stage of the first outbreak. After a week the sores actually came out. I had to go to the hospital twice.
Yesterday I called his Ex (we have become friend) and asked her if he mentionned his eleven year relationship was with a lady with herpes. No he had not. I asked her if she had contracted herpes. She got silent then said that she just develloped cold sores after meeting our EX:. I had to explain to her that it was herpes. She told me she was on Valtrex.
So now I can feel OK about my part in all this. He was trying to say to me that maybe I had given him herpes. I did not and I am crying when writting this because I don't that I could live with myself if I purposely gave this or nay other kind of illness to someone I love.