How was your mom's b-day? I'm sure Bill visited her and probably some others came to see her too.

How are you holding up? I know this is a difficult time for you. It's never easy waiting for the inevitable.

I have a big soft, warm & fuzzy teddy bear that has been with me thru some rough times. It helped me to hold on to him when I was grieving for my dear mom. Obviously, I can't give him to you. If I could, I would. But since I can't, I'm sending big soft warm & fuzzy cyberhugs to you!

Love and prayers to you and your mom!

Love, Barb

Thank you so much Barb - what a good friend you are.

Mom had a nice birthday. All the staff and many residents signed a big card and gave her a balloon, Bill went to see her and brought cake for everoyne, she got a lot of cards and phonecalls.

She still prefers to stay in bed most days, in spite of the pain meds. I think she is now going to let herself go. But my sister E is going there on November 15. Now maybe Mom will wait for that!

Love,

Martha

I am glad to hear that your Mom had a nice birthday Martha. Each day is a treasure and some are special treasures. Know my thoughts and prayers stay with you and your Mom. I'll add my cyber hug to Barbs.

Love, Deb

Martha...how you must jump each time the phone rings. I'm glad you had your time with your Mom...you have no "I wish I would haves".

I've also wondered how she was doing...and how YOU'RE doing. Sending gentle thoughts your way.........Pam;)

Actually, to be completely honest, I do have regrets.

I wonder how it would have turned out if I had stayed with Mom in her apartment in Queens after June 2005 instead of moving here. She fell and broke her hip while living at Bill's house. Maybe her fall and broken hip would not have happened. Maybe she would not have to be in a nursing home.

(Maybe I would be in a psych ward having gone stark raving mad!)

love,

Martha

Martha - please don't beat yourself up - you keep saying "she fell and broke her hip" when it's much more likely - she broke her hip and fell. That happens quite a lot in older people. It could have happened anywhere - it didn't happen because she was at your brother's. She is lucky she had you to be with while she was in her own apartment, and you kept her there as long as possible.

Martha, Martha, Martha !!

You and I have discussed this at length over the years, and we agreed a long time ago, we probably would have done things differently, however, saying "But if I had have stayed .........." and all that rot, is just that. Rot. You can't beat yourself up because YOU were at risk. Remember? Remember the panic? Remember the dread? Remember ??

Remember??

Yes, I wonder if things would have changed had I stayed, but I'll tell you now .. I WOULD BE DEAD. My heart would have given out with all the stress I was under. I would be USELESS to my husband and children. I'll never recover physically from my 'tour of duty' (and I'm how much younger than you?) because the damage of untreated High Blood pressure (untreated because I simply didnt have time to go to the doctors) has caused a permanent problem .

Think how your health would be ........ you did your best, don't let anybody tell you otherwise (especially Moo .. she who has NEVER stepped up to the plate to do anything helpful or worthwhile). Good lord woman .. you did it for 5 years, I only managed 2 !!!

so ........... no regrets .......... no "what if's" ......... we can't go back, we did our best ......

Remember............ NO GUILT

Love & Hugs my friend.

A good friend used to tell me.... "It is what it is". We do the best we can with the information and abilities we have at the time and we can do no more. You cannot look back with a list of "What if's". For every situation there are hundreds of alternatives, some better some worse, that could have been... but when we come back to the present... it is what it is and we did the best we could with the information and abilities we had at the time.

I also agree with Teapot. It is just as likely that the hip broke and then she fell. I was actually walking a patient, using a gait belt, when this happened and it happened other times in the home. You cannot blame yourself for her brittle bone whether it was a spontaneous break or a result of the fall. I am much like you Martha. You blame yourself because you were not there but would also blame yourself if you were there. The idea that somehow we could change what is.... is much too heavy a burden to carry. It is what it is.

Beyond that we all know the end result of Alzheimer is the same. It is ugly and heart wrenching but there is no going backwards and no room to second guess yourself. We can only go forward and keep doing the best we can.

My thoughts and prayers stay with you and your Mom.

Love, Deb

Thanks girls - I'm back to (relative) sanity now.

I am well aware that I was physically and mentally crumbling under the 24/7 duty - while still teaching from 7 to 2.

I also still have repercussions from that ordeal - my teeth and gum problems are still plagueing me as a result of 5 years of not even going to the dentist for a check up - I was totally preoccupied, I had no time for 'me.'

My brother and sister in law were well aware of what living with a dementia patient was like - they had had her Mom for YEARS -- she had just died in March 2004, having been in a NH for under 1 year. I think they were willing to take that burden upon themselves again (although Mom was a nice dementia patient, not a mean one like her Mom had been) because they saw me falling apart.

Thanks for all your encouragment over the years - I have been on HB nearly 3 years now. It was at Thanksgiving dinner 2004 - and Mom had pooped in her pants at the dinner table --- when I got home I searched the Internet for help , and found you!

love,

Martha

I tried to reply to this sooner but something crashed on the site. I wrote a nice post and tried to post but....oh well....;)

I'm glad you're feeling better, Martha. It's no fun feeling down.

I'm fighting off this persistent sinus infection and so is my son. We both went back to the doctor yesterday. We both were put on a second round of very strong and expensive antibiotics (Bo's was $92.40 for 7 pills!!!). The doctor is concerned about Bo because of his recent weight loss. He's 6'4" and 146lbs. Not good. He's down 8lbs from a couple of weeks ago. And he eats like there's no tomorrow.

Doc did a chest x-ray and numerous labs to try to find out what's wrong. I gotta tell ya I'm worried. He looks anorexic.

Anyway Martha, I didn't mean to get into my troubles. I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I'm still here praying.

Love, Barb

worms ~~~~~:<

Barb - I do hope the doctor gets to the bottom of your son's problem ... it is unusual to eat well and stay thin. I can't do it! ;) Will keep both of you in my prayers.

Love,

Martha