I know I am not supposed to be posting on this site because i am not the bipolar person. But I don't know what to do or where to turn and I found this site with google. Please bear with me.

My daughter is bipolar. She hasn't had an episode in a long time.

She has a 7 year old son and she is currently having an episode. I am worried about his well being. What can I do? I feel helpless. I feel scared. I am very worried. I don't know where to turn.

I don't know what to say... I'm so sorry. I would post at the Relationship health board... I know there are people there in your same situation. I hope you get some answeres soon. Daisey

Hi Ruth....try visiting the Parenting Board...there are a few of us moms who have kids who have been diagnosed with BP offering support over there.

Hope you find us...(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

Hi Ruth

Could you not look after her son while she is having this episode? Is it a manic episode she is having?

She is not letting me take him. Which is highly unusual. I am always taking him for overnights, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, clothes shopping, hair cuts etc etc.

Yesterday when I offered to take him she looked at him and said "he wants to stay with me, don't you? His normal reaction would be, Yeah I want to go to grandmas. Instead he remained silent. He is caught up in her mania somehow and conflicted about what to do.

She is isolating him and says she is not sending him to school today and that she is not going to work. I am going over there to see and if he is not at school I am going to have to call in the authorities. Something i was hoping to avoid. I do have papers granting me custody if she becomes incapacitated again. (7 years ago she was hospitalized for months with schizo-affective disorder and I had custody of him for a year.

Thanks for your help

If she knows something is wrong and you are offering to look after her son she may have been hit with a fear that she wasn't going to get him back or that she was going to get institutionalised again. Perhaps if you can reassure her that you are only seeking to give her a short break from her son and even a day when you will bring him back. Let her know that you're more than happy to look after him so that she can have a rest and get back to herself. You could perhaps reassure her that you can take him to school and make sure he's got his dinner and she won't have to worry about those things herself for a few days then.

If you do it in a way that she knows you care about her well being as well as her sons and that you are confident that she will get better soon she may be more inclined to listen. I know that everyone is different but even though I won't always admit it I do sometimes know I'm not thinking rationally and am getting ill. At these times my sense of paranoia and fear is increased because I'm scared others around me will see that I'm ill again and do something that I don't want or against my wishes or over-react. (though admitedly it's probably not an over-reaction at all!)

Of course that fear is then confirmed as 'real' when someone comes over and offers to have the kids for me but hides the fact that they know I'm ill, or doesn't let me know their full intentions and talk to me as if I'm incapable of looking after my own children making me think they don't want me to have them now or ever. I know all this is irrational but at the time it feels very real.

Also I will be feeling very insecure and perhaps very depressed and isolating myself and the fear of not having anyone there not even my children makes me more scared of what I will do. Often I feel as though having my children there stops me spiraling further into darkness and despair. Again this is probably unrealistic but I that's how I feel at the time. I cling to my children and need them when I'm not well. I know this is unfair perhaps on them but that's how I feel again! At these times my children may pick up that something is wrong and may be fearful to leave me too. With my 5 yr old when I had my last episode I still tried to take her to nursery but where she would normally run off without even a goodbye she clung to my leg and cried and didn't want to leave me. My eldest daughter didn't want to be here with me and went to stay with my dad though I didn't feel happy about that either.

On top of those feelings, you don't want to admit you are ill as you feel that it is a failure and you feel you are failing your children, a failure as a mother, you feel if you let anyone else look after them even for a day that it means you are doing it because you can't cope and therefore are a bad mum, it's like you get it in your head that you HAVE to look after them and prove you are a good mum and that being ill doesn't change that.

At times when you are well and someone looks after your children it is so the children have a good time, or so that the grandparents build a relationship and bond with their grandchildren and so on... It's not because you are a bad mum or can't cope. Which is why you don't mind people having them then. You are in control and it's your choice and not because other people are judging you and saying you can't do it.

In essence you need to tread carefully and try to keep in mind that your daughter is probably very scared underneath even if she is trying to hide it from you and everyone else. I also feel that if I say it out loud to someone that it will make it worse, that it will spiral out of control. I feel if I say it out loud it's like quitting and giving into it. Like the only way to fight it is to keep it inside. On top of this is the feeling that you are letting everyone down and you don't want others to worry or judge you.

I don't know if all of this applies to your daughter or if others here have the same feelings as me but I know that is a few of the things in my head at the time amongst about a million other confused and fearful thoughts that won't stop spinning in my head.

Oh and by the way, another option would be to invite her in a friendly way to come and stay with you for a weekend or a week. That way she won't see it as you taking her son away as she will still be with him. I often think how nice it would be if my dad invited me for a weekend. It would not feel he was judging me or saying I couldn't cope. I'd want him to ask in a way that he'd like to spend a little time with me, in a way that didn't feel as if he had any expectations of me and no pressure on me, just to spend some time together. If I was defensive and said no for him to accept that and suggest maybe another weekend if I'd like to.

Someone offering to look after my child when I'm feeling that way already feels as if they are judging and attacking me without them even saying anything. I think to myself that I know why they are offering and I know what they are thinking. Even if their intentions are all good. They suddenly are the enemy and I am mistrusting and suspicious of their intentions and thoughts. I feel they don't care about me they just want to take my child away. Inviting her to stay shows you don't want to take her child away and you DO care about her.

That is some really, really great advice and I thank you very much for it.

I just came back from the school and he was there much to my relief. I didn't speak to anyone I just came home and had some food and am trying to relax a bit. I was so stressed over whether he would be at school that I made myself physically ill.

Everything you say makes sense. I know that I am sometimes too hard on her and wanting her to shape up and get it together, knowing full well she cannot. Even in her "good" times she is not high functioning.

Again, thanks so much.

I hope you don't mind but I wanted to add more on the no expections and no pressure thing when being invited to stay at parents house. My parents are split up and I have only ever been invited to my mums once and my dads once when I've been particularly ill.

When at my mum's she seemed critical of me all the time, as if nagging me to get out of bed, telling me off if I made mess, telling me I should be looking after my child, that I should tidy away after my child etc.. I soon left more depressed than ever and I took my child with me as I was so upset at my mother and felt she didn't care about me or understand what I was going through.

I guess it was a case of enjoying being looked after as a child without being treated or talked to as a child. Feeling loved and cared for. As much as I could have got used to it I soon missed being at home and having time on my own in my own space and with my child. I didn't feel as though he just thought I was lazy but accepted that I was ill not lazy and that there really was a difference between the two.

On the other hand when I went to stay with my dad he let me stay in bed all day if I wanted to, he'd bring me milk to keep up my strength and complan drinks (meal replacement drinks with vitamins and nutrition etc..) in bed. He asked me if I'd like something to eat and if I did he'd allow me to come down join him at the table to eat and not push me into having conversations or discussing my feelings with him. He'd start casual conversation and soon figure out if I was talkative or not. If I wasn't he'd not push anymore conversation. If I was he'd continue with the casual conversation, maybe even funny things that made me laugh. If I wanted to go back to bed after, he'd allow me to. I didn't have to wash up or dry up as I normally would when invited for dinner etc.. In the mornings he'd ask me if I'd like to go with him to take child to school, or in the afternoon if I'd like to go with him to pick her up, or even on shopping day if I'd like to go with him. He'd even ask if I'd like to go to the park or join in games with them. If I declined he would show no disapointment and again not push me. He wouldn't give up just because I said no to one thing, he'd still offer again the next time.

When child is in bed, he'd ask if I wanted to come and watch some tv together, particularly programmes he knew I enjoyed, sometimes he'd even offer to get a film out. I recovered much faster with this attitude and didn't run back home after just a couple of days, though when I did leave, I left feeling much better and able to cope.

Your dad sounds like a jewel.

I will try and be more like that. Your words are so helpful to me.....

We don't talk anymore it's the only time he ever really was able to take a step back and help me, I guess over time it must get tiring and I think he gave up. I'm glad though that the advice is helping though and I hope that it helps your daughter too and that things work out for all of you.