ive had it now. im 19 now and ive just flew on a rollercoaster since 14 and am now deciding its time to get off my arse and do my own research, find my own symptoms cos not one
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doc will move any fruther from'u just need to talk about it all'(sexual abuse-but its not why my moods go).

at 14 i noticed a slow ebbing misery coming on, i was before happy person who did well at school having sturggled with attention problems since preschool. having been anxious and socially shy i had my own group of freinds and i was happy.

then about 2 months into that i dipped <lower>

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, crying all day and night,not able to do school, argued constantly and didnt eat right, i lsept about 2 hrs a night.

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i was still low, hopeless, dispairing, negative, i didnt care and i struggled majorly with school. i began harming at 15 then.

followed by this was another major bout 3 months later, and again the following summer, then again at christams.and it just keeps happening. in between i get not a normal mood but as normal as i can possibly feel. im still very pessimistic and lifes a chore and i struggle to do things. but every so often in these periods im litered with bursts of happiness. i enjoy it. i wud generally be a shy negative person but in thses times i feel drunk. i love everyone, i talk to everyone loudly and i interrupt and go a million miles a minute9i can be annoying), i talk rubbish and laugh myself nearly sick. ive done some weird things like throwing yogurt at the kitchen walls, putting my feet in the grill(it was turned off), jumped from chair to chair shouting and laughing and sometimes jump on freinds, put on funny voices and talk rubbish. but it only lasts a few hours. after that though i feel good, its just is a positive of what im feeling for a while. i feel like everything lifted and i have a bit of hope, i can finally breathe and im going to do really well, get a good degree, move out and be responsible and marry and make loads of babies while having a great job. there have been moments were ive decided to take an interest in a repviosuly despised career path(nursing), id never wanted it
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but then in a good phase while picking university choices i went to an open day, thought it was wonderful and i was going to be a really high up nurse and i went to the interveiws and got in. then it just switched off one day and i wanted to kill myself over it-it was a let down to my parents. i did another thing once where i went and almost applied to move to scotland and become an outdoor pursuits teacher in the mountains.

i havent had a good phase in aaagggeeees, mainly depression as ive had a stressful year.im generally depressed but every few months im getting severly low

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. it happene din may this year after it was comin on and then i was triggered and it was sped up. i didnt eat or wash for days, went out and got drunk and stoned, passed out in toilets and vomited all over myself, almost failed exams and physically got sick. then i felt after i was in the eye of the hurricane and things became low but calm.

now its happening again and last week i was risk assessed and asked if i thought i should be hospitalised.i felt it comin and for a few weeks before hand had been extremely angry to the point i felt it bursting out of me, i ranted at my counselor and all that.then i got stoned, spent all my cash on it and drink, crashed 2 days later. got very anxious cudnt sit still

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i sat in the pissing rain and got soaked to my skin and had to ring my shoes out, i paced through dirt and banged rocks together, almost ran into traffic and tried calling my doc but missed her by 5 minutes. i seen an emergency counsellor who risk assessd me but havent told my doc yet. i also didnt go to work and called sick and they were furious. then i slept most of the weekend but at weird times and when i woke up i was either depressingly unstable and slow or both, slow but mentally racing. i went to work and was 'happier' but pretty depressed at the same time. i feel so unstable like im walking a tightrope and trying to keep a lid on things. then also about 2 months before this i mailed my counsellor with a sudden list of very organised ideas and was miles ahead of her decided anxiously i needed all this fixed and was wrecking myself running to fix it all-then i just crashed.

in general im hopeless with cash, i cant focus and am failing UNI, im not the best employee of the year and im told i can be very angry. ive had 3 assessments in which i was very depressed but im sarcastic and accidentally sugar coat it. ive seen 3 counsellors and am due a fourth, 3 GP's and been on prozac last year,

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i get phases of OCD tendencies, the meds didnt work and had no affect after that. my diagnoses of depression and anxiety was removed cos i couldnt tell them the truth(crap at expressing), now im called emotionally distrubed at best and keep getting told to do counselling despite were on the 4th and it aint workin, hasnt even dented it.

my counsellor is concerned a sit doesnt fit in with what we are doing and has noticed phases i go through and patterns. i see her tomorrow to talk it over but what im trying to ask is if this could be a type of bipolar?? counselling cant control this im just trying to manage to stay in safe places so i dont'do it'.

for the record my GP isnt great at listening anymore, she went by the specialist and now im not treated as mentally ill or in any sense ill at all-but for some reason she still sees me. she has said before i have symptoms of depression and anxiety, im registered with disability for it and two of the counsellors have agreed im depressed and anxious-but its these bursts that are holding everything back-i cant focus to fix myself.

please please help-any ideas??

Have you had a thorough evaluation by medicating psychiatrist? What you describe sounds like bipolar, though I'm not a doctor, and it sounds as though you do need help from medication and specialists. Your GP won't do.

Can you also consider going into a hospital for a bit to find out what's really going on with you and to get on a medication regime that works for you?
It doesn't sound as if you're getting adequate treatment at all.

Please keep posting - people here will help you, and you're most welcome here.

Seaturtle

Yes, you really should be talking to a psychiatrist rather than a GP. While GPs mean well, they're not as thoroughly trained in all the psychiatric areas that a psychiatrist is. A short stay in a hospital isn't bad, either. I was in one for a short time and it helped me get on medications that helped get my head and emotions under control. (And I didn't have to cook while I was there - JOKE to make you smile!) Good luck...hang in there...

hi guys thanks for getting back.

problem is waiting times for assessments. ive seen a psych before who was useless, looked bored and then passed m,e to the consultant for 2 mins who decided i wasnt ill and just needed to stick with cousnelling that id been in for nearly 5 months anyways alongside academic support. they didnt talk to me about the letters my GP went to the trouble of re-reading and highlighting nor the notes i listed.my GP said the other day they dont really do young people.

now im having to fake an address of my freind so i can see someone else in a diff area code-and itll be a while but i dont have a while.

right now im low, very slow today and feel like crying. this morning with my dad in the car i had another hysterical dream like laughing fit of pure bollocks. then 1/2hr later i was so low.

my GP is booked up till next week and doesnt have a schedule yet for the next so i cant get an app. she is due to call me in the next hour -i feel sick about it because i know i NEED to get this out but im bad at it. ill let u know how it goes.

i see my counsellor later and were gonna talk abouit it all, try and figure out how in the hell to manage the next week through these moods. i feel low but at the same time am bubbling underneath with anxiety. when i havent reached the crazy



part i am showing it in other ways, i twitch and jerk and repeat movements, pace back and forth and am clutching whatever im holding tight and cant find something to do or focus the energy into. last night i came home and was exhausted and slept for 5 hours having only been awake for 5 hours, i then woke up at 10:30mand stayed up uintil 4;30 anxious and then tried to sleep, i was doing 360 degree turns in the air in the bed and sititng up and all, then i slept at about 6;00 and up at 7 when i eventually cudnt take the crazy heavy feeling. also the past 3 nights ive had very vivid dreams and usually i never remember mine-but this was bad, me flying out of things from great heights and bugs crawling all over me, then my doc was laiughing at me and running. its weird.

is this anyhthing to do with bipolar-sometimes i think im reaching ok, not stable but managable-if your BP do you not have to be utterly moving constantly??

please help xx

Yeah I've been like that during particularly manic periods and sometimes even depressive ones where I don't want to stop and think, not that the moving really stops me thinking but at least I believe it will. I've had where I realise that I should sit down and try to calm myself but seconds after I sit down I have to bounce back up again, I just CAN'T sit down! I've also found myself clenching my jaws, then stop myself only to realise moments later I'm doing it again. Often I can feel pretty sick at these times too, like my stomach is really churning and my head just won't stop buzzing.

I found it funny when reading about rapid cycling Bi Polar, it doesn't even come close in my opinion - the diagnosis being if you suffer more than 4 manic OR depressive moods in one year! I can experience that in 1 day and normally do! I only occasionally come out of it and have what I feel at the time is a 'normal' mood but even then seconds to minutes later I doubt that it was a 'normal mood' because I'm in a different mood that I now believe is 'normal' therefore the other one couldn't have been right? I find it hard to know anymore what IS normal? Everything all the time is pretty hazy anyway, my head muggy and blurred and confused in the so called 'normal' periods and in fact often when I'm 'manic' or 'depressive' I believe it's the only time I think clearly! LOL how freaky is that? When I'm not 'manic' or 'depressive' I feel as though I can't think properly at all, I guess to exhausted to think! Sometimes the 'normal' mood can last a few days but it doesn't feel 'normal' at the time really not till I enter another mood can I reflect upon it and think that I wish I was feeling that way again because at least my head stopped for a little while! Again though, often with the manic or depressive moods I only recognise it later when I enter another level of mania, depression or normal mood.

Sometimes I can have such extreme mania that then becomes lesser mania where the lesser mania I believe is a 'normal' mood until I enter another level again. OK I'm confusing myself now already! But even though you might not have a clue what I'm going on about anymore, I still kinda do in a way!

Basically to put it bluntly, I have no freaking idea whether what I'm experiencing is rational half the time or whether what I'm doing is 'unusual' until after the event. There are some times where I know I'm feeling manic or depressive just because of the buzzing in my head or the non stop crying. Even then though, I often don't recognise that the thoughts I'm having are directly because of that feeling or that they are irrational.

Reminder:
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Thanks.

pucca,

I hope you are able to get the help that you need. It wouldn't hurt to get a second opinion from a different doctor. Just remember to be honest and the doc will go from there! I hope you are feeling better soon.