*** Vent **** Not my usual happy post.

Someday's I wake up in a really good mood, only to come across something that upsets me which ruins my entire day.

I'm ready to give up and stay in a shell - letting no one in. I simply can not take it anymore. My best friend is moving across the country and all my other friends are falling of the world.

I just want to withdraw and forget I ever reached out to them in the first place. Maybe people who are not affected by BP can handle this...? I can't. I don't think medication can cover this feeling up.

Distressed, Daisey

There is no stability anywhere for me.

Daisey, I know how you feel. I'm so sorry you're in that place right now. I was in a really good mood the past few days then hubby had to ruin in last night just being a jerk. As far as the isolations of this illness goes, i go through that as well, i have periods where i just totally withdrawl and isolate myself, don't answer emails, don't answer my phone when it rings, i just don't want to be around anyone or be forced to talk when i just want to curl into a ball. Damn, sorry didn't mean to turn this into a rant, lol.

Listen Daisey, I have seen you respond to many people here, you are such as asset to this place and to the members here, you brighten so many lives. So just keep in mind no matter how bad your day is, you bring light into the lives of many others.

Angel

I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement too. You helped me feel so welcome within minutes of me joining this board, and offered me a little light in the dark. I know things are really really hard for you right now but if you remember that it is not you that is failing and you really are a rock to other people it might help. Also sometimes some time out to reflect can really help I find as long as it doesn't turn into a more long time and harmful type of isolation. I think you have the right to take some "me time". Maybe try having some nice hot baths with relaxing oils and light some candles, really try to chill out and let yourself feel pampered and luxurious. Remember that you are worth it and if you want to have a good cry let the tears come too. If only I could take my own advice huh? I'm thinking of you and wishing that things get better for you.

Daisy,

I just wanted you know that I ditto everything everyone else has already posted. As you know I am in that place right now also. Your words encouraged me, just yesterday, to find my way outta this. I am now forcing myself to be outside and do some much needed yard work. I am so not in the mood for it, but I guess that's what the "forcing" is all about. I always look forward to reading your posts and get great enjoyment from the things you write.

As far as waking up in a good mood, (only to have it trashed), we all share your pain.

Please let us know how your day goes, I'll be thinking of you.
Naturemomma

Angel, my hubby was a jerk last night too - maybe it's goin' around. hehe.

Dear Distressed Daisey,

We can't have any distressed Daisies down in the dumps!! That just won't do. You can see from others posts that you bring a lot of sunshine to people on the board. :angel: Sounds like a cloud has come across your face today...and I am sorry for that.

Did you just find out your friend is moving? I know how devastating that news can be.

Please feel free to vent. You don't always have to put on a cheery voice to come here. Let others have a turn supporting you for a change.

Try to do something nice for yourself today.
And know we're all sending (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) )))))))))
your way --

xx Tsohl

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It does mean a great deal.
Truth is that my friend who is moving to TX is not my primary pain. I thought I had found another support system that was going to help me understand this unstable time in my life. As a BP person I have never had much stability with friends. I engage only to withdraw during a down time - because I know I will hurt them. They never understood my moods, but neither did I. I am normally full of guilt and walls, prepared for the silent rejection and disappointment I caused them. It doesn't hurt as bad as the other friends I lose without notice, and for reasons I can't understand.
I think I've been fooled into thinking that I can actually be myself around other BP people and say what is on my mind. Truth is I can't - I've learned that lately. You all have been so dear to me that when I see I've lost one of you.. it just hurts so bad. Maybe it is because I've never really opened up to people until I came here. I just don't feel secure anymore and I can't tell if it is the BP or just reality of not knowing who is going to be around tomorrow. Is this even a discussion I can have safely? No.

Oh, I can hold it together on the outside, but inside I'm screaming NO!!!!! I'm very angry inside, crying and bitter. These three things can eat you up. At some point you have to weight your pros and cons. By reaching out to I recieve more pain, or recieve more Joy? Right now I just don't know.

I feel like an earthquake has taken place and the after shock's don't stop. A few of you may or may not know this. I was orphaned when my drugged parents died, six months apart - I was 10. From then until now, I've lost almost everyone I've ever trusted. The only one who has never given up on me is my husband. Oh, he isn't perfect - but he has put up with more than he has dished out. I've divorced him twice only to run back to him after I came back down from my mania. He is a real trooper and he loves me very much- he just can't share my BP pain.

Were do I go to find a shelter? A place where I can feel safe. I want to feel safe.

I want to bury my pain in an intoxicating stupper - but I won't. I'm afraid to log back in - I don't think I belong, I think it may be over for me.

If anyone has ever read my posts - they know how hurt I am. Those other posts was me = not a mask = just how I am. I love to encourage others, it brings me joy to think that I've made someone stronger or happier.

There is a saying, " When you approach me, do so with caution and observation....see I'm not the same person I was yesterday... the experiences of life have changed me, renewed me and built me. I'm not the same person I was yesterday." Thank you all for helping me become a different person.

If you don't hear from me, know that I've treasured you all deeply - you've helped me understand myself. I need to think about why I'm here and if it is worth the emotional pain I've experienced. I'm I irrational, who knows, am I suffering from depression - yeah I think so - situational.

Goodbye.

daisy,

Your words made me cry. I know the pain you feel and depths of your sorrow. Like your in a hole and there is no light any where or even anything to touch so you can know if this is really happening. But you have to find your way back. There is no other option. This is BP at it's worst, this is something taking you over and you cannot give in. PLEASE.

I wish I knew what to say to make it all better.... I don't.

I have a husband who has also put up with way more than he should. Have you talked to your husband today and let him know what is going on? Have you called your pdoc to see if maybe they can get in? I am worried that you are cycling right now, and that can be dangerous. This morning you were mad and now you are the throws of depression. Please call someone and let them know what is going on.

PLease post and let us all know you are okay.
Naturemomma

You caught me right before I was going to log out. I want to reassure you that I don't think I'm cycling. I'm situationally depressed. I hope llama is going to be o.k. I can't handle anymore goodbyes. Or controlled abandonment. I'll keep my name and be around... somewhere. MyDaisey

Sorry if I jumped to conclusions about cycling.

Did something happen w/ llama?

banned.. I can't take anymore of those. that is what it is all about. that is what is getting me so upset.

I know you've gone offline, I hope you come back, you were the first one to offer me comfort. I know that I am about to start cycling myself, I think it's the first time I've EVER been able to recognise it before it happened. It's because of how I was yesterday when I spoke with you in my thread, the clenched jaws and the jittery feeling. I haven't had any major mania or depression yet but I know it's going to come soon. If I hadn't found this board I wouldn't have recognised it at all. If I hadn't found you I wouldn't have recognised it.

It was the first time someone had asked me how I was feeling right now, in relation to my health, who I felt I could answer truthfully with. Someone who made me stop for a second and think about what was going on inside me and how I was feeling. I know it sounds silly, but I think it's calmed me a little knowing that it is going to happen, knowing before it happens. Maybe I can't prepare myself for it as such, but I'm less scared about what's going on or who I am at the moment.

I had a really good day today. It went up and down a little bit but overall it was really good, almost stable! It's the first time in ages I've felt a prolonged period of stability. I actually was able to talk to my fiance about things, explain to him how I feel at the moment. The first time I've been able to say to him that I'm looking forwards to seeing the PDr so I can get the right meds this time. The first time I've looked forward to getting any meds. (normally I hate them, I dread them, I dread changing them because I know they won't work) This time I'm positive that I'll tell the truth, explain things properly and get the right medication for me.

I'm tired of the cycling, I'm tired of coming in and out of real true conciousness. I'm tired in general of it all, did you ever notice how tired it makes you? Of coures you did.

I don't want you to leave, I don't want to think that you are giving up on yourself. I want you to feel as stable as I did today, how is it fair that you made me feel this and yet we can't help you feel that way too? How is it that the one person who seems to deserve it more than anyone because of all the people she herself has helped can't feel it? I feel sad to think that you feel so alone, you shouldn't be. I understand it though, it's what I was saying in my first thread here, about how noone understands me. But you changed that for me and made me feel less alone.

If you read this I want to say thank you, and if you decide you are not coming back here, I want you to remember the difference you made in my life. Even if it doesn't last, even if it was just this one day, I thank you. One day sometimes is all I ask. I was going to say you'll never know how much I appreciate this one day of feeling so good and so rational. But I think for all of those here who drift in and out so fast they'll understand how much one whole day means to me.

I was able to really look at my children today, feel happiness and love, I cuddled them and I saw them smile. If you don't come back, I wish you clarity, rationality, happiness and love.

Daisey,

I'm so sorry you're going thru so much pain right now. Please know people care about you, and your words have helped so many people, some who probably just lurk, reading post, finding insights and comfort without being able to post right now. Take care, and know many of us are sending you hugs across the way.

Hmmmm,
I don't even know how to start or what to say...
My mind has been racing and I've been manic all day...so if I sound like I'm crazy then I'm sorry...

Daisey,
If you read this I want you to know how sorry I am that you are feeling the pain you are. I wish i could take it away for you. I ditto what everyone else says so I'm not going to make you read it all over again but, I do want to emphasize err cant spell...that you have made a huge impact on a lot of people's moods,spirituality and lives. You've been extremely helpful and thoughtful of everyone on here. Please remember that, let us be here for you in your time of need.

If you feel like you need a break I completely understand because I've been through that as well and I'm sure others on here have also. Take some time out for yourself. Pamper and love yourself. Remember the times where youv'e made a difference in other's lives and I hope maybe you can find that to help you through this.

As far as what's gone on on the board here. Yes I feel that sometimes things are too moderated. I haven't really been on all day cause I was actually in a good mood and manic and was busy at my kids schools. Now though after reading about Llama I'm upset. I can totally understand a need for stability because I too have suffered from that all my life. I can see how you feel that by losing people on here along with your best friend you would be upset because I too am now upset. We grow attatched to one another and then to have someone taken away for no reason at all I just I don't know it's ludacris.

Please remember though again how many lives you have touched and I hope you get out of your depression soon and start feeling better. I really hope that you come back to the board. We will miss you and we'd hate to not have you around.
My prayers are with you for a speedy recovery and in hopes that you come back.
((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
Tiffany

I just looked at one of Llama's posts and I don't see where it says that she was banned. Are yall sure? I'd hate to see her not on here anymore and hope that me not seeing her as banned is a good sign.

I didn't see that llama was banned either. Am I missing something?

This morning I woke up and you were all the first thing on my mind. Actually, you all were on my mind all night. I didn't sleep and was concerned about the additonal pain I may be causing all of you. My hurt is no excuse to hurt you all.... I'm just so angry.
If you look directly under the persons name you can see if they are banned or not. Yesterday most of the day she was. It sent me into a complete frenzie - knowing what she has been through lately. I care about each of you. Really I do. Last night or in the evening it was removed and I don't even know if she knows yet.
Does this make any sense... I think it is called compassion, what I'm feeling. Tiff - I'm glad you were out of town - it was a very painful few days. I don't know how open I can even be. It has taken me an hour to type this, afraid I may be negative, disagree, question or other wise upset the cia.

Each one of you have been instrumental in helping me. I don't know how I would have managed without you all - I may just need a little time to heal.

((((((Hug)))))))) My Daisey:(

glad you came back! :D

YAE! You came back. I have been so worried about you. I am glad to see that you are safe and okay. Just try to keep in mind, "this too shall pass".
I have been remembering that a lot lately myself. I hope everything gets better soon.

Naturemomma

I'm so glad you're back Daisey. I was upset that you were thinking on leavin and not coming back.!!! You'll get through this and it may take some time. I know what you mean about the compassion you feel for everyone. I haven't been on here long but I care about everyone as well. I have my support group tonight that I'm going to check out since it's my first one. I have my pdoc appt and ortho appt today...the pdoc went well but my ortho didn't.
I'll type more later when I have more time. I just wanted to stop by and check on you Tony and pray that you had come back.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Daisy,

I am cleaning my house like amd woman and everytime I take a break I find myself checkin' in to see if you have posted. How are you today?

Naturemomma

Thank you so much for your tender concern. I really feel like you care. I'm still hurting, but I'm here. I have started my "cycle" and am thinking that had something to do with my amount of hurt, frustration and anger. Though I believe the feelings were well deserved - they were amplified by my hormones. Oh, and the fact that I haven't had more than 3 hours of restless sleep every night for 2 weeks.
I called my doctor and demanded some med to help me fall asleep. He called in Rozerum - I think that is how you spell it. Anyway my hope is that I'll feel better in a few days.

I do have a question. My Pdr. seems to forget what we talk about in the office. When I saw him, he perscribed me 300mg of Effexor every day. Well - when I talked to them just now - he said to only take 225 -300 mg. NO more than 4 days a week.

Does anyone else only take it every other day? I was on it before at 225 and still took it every day.

BTW I've found a back up site, incase. Has Llama posted anywhere? I pray she realizes that she is able too.

((((((( Big Hug ))))))) Thank you, more than I can say.
Daisey

Hi, Daisey....just wanted to say welcome back. My daughter has a tough time around her cycle...the pdoc tells her to take an extra 25mgs of her Seroquel every 8 hours if need be and she does find that helps her out during that time. Perhaps you can ask your pdoc which med you should increase a bit for that week of your cycle to see if it helps. It took a while for my daughter to realize this on her own...I use to have to remind her when she was having a rough time and now this is the first month that I didn't even have to remind her so it must work!!:D

Anyway.... I am glad that you are back....sometimes we all need to take a break and that is okay.....just happy that you were able to come back for the support and to offer that wonderful comfort that you give to others.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

I am so glad to hear from you... you had me worried.
I get worse during my cycle also. From what I am hearing from all the gals lately, it seems pretty normal. Hormones and BP, ya not a good combination. Anyway, I glad you are doing better.
naturemomma :)

((((HUGS)))))

Dear Daisy,

I'm so sorry that my brief outing made you upset!!! I should have known better, but it was a misunderstanding. Won't get into it any further just in case.

I'm so sorry to hear that your friend is moving so far away. I know I don't deal well with those sorts of situations either. It does feel like your world is ending sometimes. But, I'm going to share a story with you to hopefully help you feel better!

I know how stressful this is firsthand. Now at the time I didn't know this and I thought that my world was ending. But if you are able to step back your entire world is not ending, just a mini part of it is. You will rebuild a new world for yourself; and the best part is it will still include your friend, just in a different way! She can still be part of your life!

I thought I'd never recover when I my best friend and I cut off all ties. It was horrible and laregly due to this monster we call bp. ANYWAY, it threw me into a huge depression and nearly cost me my life. I couldn't believe that whatever it was that was in my head could ruin my life like this, ya know?

After I got out of the depression, I started sociallizing with a few people from work and it has blossomed from there. It took a while and it was some work (you know, being the "new kid" in the group you have to work harder sometimes to get involved! LOL) Now I have even more friends than before. And this is even after losing my best friend and moving. Can you believe it?

And I can just tell that you are such a good and fun person by reading your posts. You must be an even better person in real life! I really think you are the type that people are attracted to for friendships, or any type of relationship work or elsewhere.

I want you to know that we will all be your friends here while you obtain new friends and even afterwards! Basically, we're here for you!!! I hope to soon read posts about you and your new friends. :)

Take care my dear! It'll be ok, I promise!

I Can Not tell you how great it was to hear from you...and to know that you are feeling pretty well. Thank you for your post and your story. You've been in my thoughts and prayers for days.

(((((( Hug )))))) Daisey

((((hugs))))