I used to come here often a couple years back sincerely trying to break my Vicodin habit. I went six months Vike free at one point but I always go back. Let me state that I am a recovering drunk. I haven't drank in 16years. There is no way alcohol and I can ever coexist again and we won't.

But it just seems in my life the pros of Vicodin always win over the cons. One thing about my habit is the fact that it is very controlled. I depend on others with scrips which limits me usually to no more than 30 a month. Friday I scored a dozen which of course are long gone. I am now suffering the effects of having none which aren't that bad, and that is the problem.

When I came down from a drunk I had withdrawls that were horrific, but with the V's as with right now I just get tired and a little irritable. Such a small price to pay for that wonderful feeling of bliss I get when taking a couple 750's. It's that fully functional happy energy that I just can't escape. Not only can I work on them, I can work exceptionally well on them. My job is just the greatest on Vikes.

I hate the hold these things have on me. They are on my mind every waking moment. Right now I am looking forward to the middle of the month when I know a good friend will share a few. It's like a kid looking forward to Christmas. I just can't wait.

Is anyone where I am today? I know if I had unlimited access like I did with drinking, I would really mess myself up, but I just can't get it to that point and I am very thankful for that, but my old friend Vicodin is on my mind way too much and I hate the hold it has on me.:confused::confused:

:confused::confused:

Like I said Spark if I could get them every day I would, but I just have never had the resources to maintain a real lucraitve habit. I think it would be easier to get plutonium sometimes. Bottom line is that you are correct Spark. I need find a good reason to stop. It just sucks that my thoughts are a prisoner to Vidodins.

I believe Lortab and Vicodin are almost identical. Yes you are discribing the allure that I can't escape. It's the engergy that allows you to be so productive. Now you mention xannax. I can't stand the way those things make me feel.

I used to suffer from severe anxiety. That is why I developed such a severe drinking problem. Booze was my stress reliever. I just liked it so much better than perscription drugs such as xannax.

As far as Vicodins go. I can't really give you a number. For instance I got twelve on Friday and they were gone the next day. It all depends on how many I can get. I don't have a real pain issuse so I don't have a regular script as many who get in real trouble do. If I have them I take them till there gone. I can never just save a few for a special occasion. I love them in social situations. They provide me with a social element like alcohol used to without being impaired. They make me chatty.

x-ray --I was in the exact situation you are in right now a few years ago. I couldnt wait for the next time I was going to take them. I loved the way they made me feel. This went on for a few years (like you). I would get 30 here and there and gobble them up and treasure them, love them. Then, I figured out a way to get more. That will happen. NO DOUBT. No matter what you say, you will either do something illegal (lie to get a script, or steal a few from friends bathroom) to get more. Most of us would give ANYTHING to go back to where you are. I would. Please spend time on here and get away. Read out stories (old name meddguy). Absorb that we were just like you, the love will soon go away and turn into NEED, and when that happens you are screwed, because you will be were I am right now, WITHDRAWAL. It sucks and is horrible. Cant kill you like the alcohol wd's you went through, but sure sucks. Mr. Jones is a mean boy. Words are only Words. We are not street scum on here, we are smart, intelligent people who were on the edge of the cliff (like you) just a short time ago. Be smart and forget this whole thing. Sign up for a marathon or a 1/2 marathon. a gym, a triathalon, bike ride something that is HEALTHY and ADDICTING.

O

Thanks for your advice Fullcircle. I know darn well I have the potential for a serious problem. That is why I stopped by. It's funny because despite the fact that I have seen on various news reports that it is so easy to get Vicodin on the internet, I tried really hard and thankfully I could never get it done that way. I just hate the depression that goes with taking your last pill(as I got last night), and the craving that comes when I have none. I reminds me of the craving I used to have when I smoked and I was out. It's just nuts. I work at a hospital and Vicodins are everywhere(of cousre none that I can touch). Tomorrow at work all I will be thinking about are those little white pills.

By the way I am extremely into physical fitness. I have the ultimate addictive personality and that is one really good addiction that I do have. I was going to do a half marathon last week, but a foot injury put that on hold. Exercise is my religion. I have been doing it five days a week for the better part of 20 years.

Hello Xray

I have been reading your thread the last few days, but was trying to get some kind of a feel for you before I jumped in here. Hope you don't mind if I make some casual observations here. I think many, many of us struggle with addictions to drugs, liquor, food, just all kinds of things. When I was struggling with the pain meds, I had to do a lot of soul-searching on why I wanted to hide behind those. I had a lot of emotional pain that I had been stuffing down for a lot of years and as I moved into recovery, I had to deal with it. It was deal with it or slip into some other way of hiding from it.

I was reading some of the things you wrote about yourself. Alcoholic in recovery. Exercise addict. Chatty when on the Vicoden. It seems to me that perhaps you are less than confident in social areas. Exercise in marathons and running is usually not a very demanding social chatting experience as we concentrate more on what we are doing physically. Drinking is often a way to get through social settings when we feel less than confident that people will like us sober and 'boring.' Running eliminates the issue of socialness pretty much al together. Perhaps what could help the Vicoden not be so important in your thoughts is some cognitive behaviour therapy or some self-hypnosis guidance. The self -hypnosis techniques were so helpful for me and I employing them more and more in my everyday life. Once I was able to get past the hokey sounding words and understand that self-hypnosis is no more than intent focusing in our subconscious to figure out why we think and act the way we do in our conscious, everyday living, I found it to be an outstanding tool in helping me understand myself, addiction and changing thinking. It is like losing ourselves in thoughts about ourselves to help understand ourselves. I learned about it working with a licensed clinical social worker when working with her to cope with withdrawal. For me, it has become awesome in my life to use it and have it help me in so many areas.

So, I guess my observation is that perhaps you are less than confident in yourself.. in your worth and value among others. Are you shy? Is it easier to revel your truer self here on the board than to those in your life? Man, it is a learned skill for many to really feel good about ourselves just like we are, to feel we measure up in our own ways to those around us.

If I am off base, it sure wouldn't be the first time in my life. Chuckles. I am not any kind of professional, just a casual observer who has had a lot of opportunities to watch life play out for me and others.( big family and worked years in a school system so opportunities were all around me). And I care a whole lot about others who have gotten caught up in the misery of drugs because we had a basic problem that we didn't even recognize that we were hiding from.

I hope you are able to figure out what is hidden, perhaps, behind the addictions.

Wishing you well
reach

once again --even more reason to stay away --YOUR JUST LIKE ME. I still am an exercise freak and the pills have only made it worse. Less aerobic capacity and a huge fear that I am killing myself. It sucks. Please get help. Go to a NA meeting -learn and change your thoughts.

Well Fullcircle I am glad to meet a fellow exercise addict. I plan on running six tomorrow before work. I ran a 10k with a couple of Vikes in me once. I felt pretty good. Oh well it certainly ain't something I'm proud of, yet they are such an all purpose pill.

Hey Reachout,

I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts. I will sum myself up in a nutshell. The main problem is chronic depression since age 19. It makes me withdrawl from people. Vicodin makes me want to chat with people. Yes I am very shy. One thing that is painfully clear to me is this: I have had depression for 25 years and it ain't going away until I am dead. I have tried everything short of electroshock therapy. I have been through self hypnosis also. I've been through many therapists and antidepressant drugs. Like the vikes they have only given me temparary relief from my ailment.

I guess the bottom line is this.........Vicodins make me feel like I think a normal happy person feels. I am not out of control giddy or anything. I just feel "Normal" Along with that is motivation. It makes me motivated.

I am a very functional depressed guy with or without the Vikes. I work full time and am happily married with two kids. Depression is a beast I will never shake. It is self fulfilling I know, but I am facing the harsh reality of my situation.

Thanks again:jester::angel:

Hey Spark,

Isn't suboxone a drug to combat opitate withdrawls? That isn't my problem. I guess the real problem with the Vicodins is the fact that I don't really withdrawl from them like I did from alcohol.

xray --i am a little confused. I looked at your old post and you have a history with addiction AND this medicine. You seem like a very intelligent man. All we are saying is be careful. No matter what you think you are not in control of this drug. I read that you used to have a dealer and thats how you got the meds back in 04? is that right? All of the words I write on here are said with the intent to help not harm, please realize that. I would give anything to be you right now. Small habit, get them every now and then. All we are saying is that you should stay far away from them and think of them as evil, NOT Amazing. That is a false feeling. Opiate releases joy in the brain and that is chemical, whether or not we create it ourselves or we get it synthetically through the drug. I have self medicated like you for years. I have never been on anything for my fights with depression, I always went back to what worked FAST = hydro. Its not the right way and whether or not you realize that through our words or a few months or years from now through your own actions, its the truth. Kick this thing NOW.

Hey Xray,
I just have to jump in here. You may not think you are addicted, but trust me, you are. Why else are you posting here? Also, if you scarf that many vics down in such a short period of time, then you are needing higher doses than you used to. You said it yourself, you need them to get thru life. So did we. That's when they start taking over "life" when you are constatly thinking of them and worrying about how you're going to get more. I've been there & done that, like most here. I eventually managed to get enough of one pain killer or another so that when I ran out, I did go thru withdrawal. Not pleasant to say the least.
Best wishes
JB

Have to agree...

There isn't a person in this world that can take pain meds recreationally and still claim control over them. The pills control you --- especially when used as a crutch or for that euphoric feeling. Problem is, they stop offering you that buzz after awhile --- so you gradually take more and more until you spin out and begin taking them just to avoid the withdrawl.

I was on that path for 10 years until recently. It started with Vicodin or Percocets in a relatively low dose (5 or 7.5) and I only took them maybe 3 or 4 times a day (but not every day). I ended up taking in excess of ten 10/650mg pills every day --- no high, no more energy (in fact, all I wanted to do was sleep most of the time).

It's not a fun path to be on --- and if you think the depression/shyness is bad, wait until you add horrific mood swings and anger into the mix. If you have the control now, take it and stop the Vicodin. It only spirals and brings you into a worse place than you started from.

I couldn't stand to be me anymore...

Lisa

I so get what you are talking about. Are you in any pain? I had back surgery and used up to 7-8 750's a day and now I have a script for 90 of them a month. I go through that in about 2 weeks and then wait it out. Borrow from friends, I never share. I do have some leg and neck pain occasionally and so when I need them they are never there.....so stupid. I too work great and love to get up in the AM, I take a 1/2 with a couple of tramado. I am a chipper. Just keeping that high so I can function and feel that buzz. It's no excuse. I think it's hard for people how do 30-40or more a day to understand how people like us dabble with the drug. I hate oxy's and don't understand why people use those. I am not into anything else. I don't even drink anymore and I used to love my glasses of wine or my scotch before dinner. I don't get another script for a month. I'll scrape and scrounge and get through it but it is so sick. I hate my dependence. I want to use how they were intended and now I probably never will be able to do that. I've runined a perfectly good product with my greed and need to get high. My w/d's are no worse than hot flashes for a couple of days. Sorry to go on but I get your issue and I need to figure out how to stop.
RRRag

Hey folks, obviously the only thing that is keeping me from a very nasty habit is availibility. I obviously am posting here because I do have a problem. If on a rare occasion I get 20, they are gobbled up in three days tops. No where did I state that I have it under control it's just that at this time my problem is controled which is a big difference. I just never have a big pile at one time. I hate doctors so much I never have the guts to B.S. one with a phoney problem. I just wish there was a way that I could just forget about the damn things. If I moved to a different town and lost all my contacts I think it would solve my problem.

How bad did some of you get who are warning me? Tell me a brief history of your troubles.

Hey Xray,
My sad story. I also thougtht I had things under control. I would get hydro or oxy from various sources starting after a major surgery 2 yrs ago.. I had spells of running out and going without, like you, but when I saw the supply dwindle I took less and less. Then, during a terrible time in my life - last summer, I hit the motherload. I had a supply of oxicontin, morphine, ativan, hyrdocodone. It was more than I ever had so I was a little more generous with myself than I had been. At that point I was taking them every day, but never in the huge amts that you do. As my supply was running out, i did cut back but when they were gone, I went cold turkey. That was early September. It's been 2 months now. It has not been easy. Went into a pretty bad depression from the withdrawal along with some other sad things in my life. It took some tweeking of diff. anti-depressants, but am on Lexapro now and doing good. I don't ever want to go back there or fool myself into thinking that it can't happen again. Good luck Xray.
JB

I know you think that you can control things by intake/short supply...but that's not true. I don't mean to sound "preachy", I mean, I am the LAST person to lecture anyone LOL!

But, I did the same...I liked the buzz because I am a single Mom drained of energy and I thought they turned me into "super Mom". Sure, it started off innocently and, I too, thought that it was harmless and that I could stop at any time (whether I took a bunch of pills a day or none at all). But when the buzz wears off (and it will, like I said, whether you take 2 or 20 pills a day...it may take longer if you take less pills a day...but it is enevitable) you need to take more and more to keep it going. You need to increase dosage or # of pills and before you know it you're gripped by addiction.

My daughter's "super Mom" turned into an angry junkie who scraped the dust out of her empty pill bottles inbetween prescriptions/supplies. When my daughter (5 years old at the time) started seeing my popping pills as ordinary as eating 3 meals a day...or when I was paralyzed with withdrawl and couldn't do anything fun with her...or even when I was so moody and snapping at her for no good reason, I knew it was enough. I spent 10 years popping those miserable pills, and at the end...I didn't enjoy them at all, no buzz, no NOTHING...just avoiding withdrawl.

I finally had enough, and with a full bottle still sitting in my medicine cabinet, quit cold turkey and I am on my 11th day pill free. All of my senses are coming back (I didn't even notice that they didn't just numb the pain, the pills numbed everything else too)...and I feel better now than I ever did, pain, withdrawl and all. Most of all, I am a better Mom and she notices the change. I was miserable on the pills (which is funny considering the fact that I started taking them to "improve my quality of life" HA! what a joke...).

Bottom line...I would give my right arm (and maybe my left one too) if I could be in the spot that you are in today and just spare myself the agony of withdrawl, losing my friends and family, and dragging my little girl through hell and back...

But honestly, I wouldn't have listened to me either when I was at your stage LOL. I would have thought "what an idiot, she doesn't know how to do it right". Well...the idiot part still applies to me anyway...

Lisa (today's my pity party and you're all invited) :jester:

Hey Lisa,
I'm afraid I have to join your pity party today. Just last Friday I was feeling great and posted a "final thread". I've been off the hydro for about 2 months now and on Lexapro for depression. I was in a really good (drug free) mood on Friday until the end of the day when someone at work told me something that just put me in a rage! Well, I thought I was dealing with that. Have not had the urge to take anything but today at work, I was talking to my daughter on the phone (she's been in Las Vegas working on a movie since October 3rd and will be home right before Thanksgiving) when I hung up, I started crying and could not stop! I work in a pretty big office and just could not continue to work with the tears flowing. I told my boss, who knows I've been depressed, and she was fine with me going home. Has her sister, a nurse, looking for a female physciatrist my age near work that I can see. I don't know if this has anything to do with the past (but not so long ago) addiction or what. My daughter even had good news. Will be working on another movie in Florida from Jan - May. Big name movies too. I'm so happy for her and I'm sitting here bawling like a baby. Shame on me!
JB

JB:

I still struggle as well. It doesn't help my condition, of course, to be in recovery after a third relapse.

I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We have to learn, as Reach has taught us, to deal with our emotions in sobriety. That is a DIFFICULT task.

mk

It's seems as if you folks think that I am saying I have things under control. I never stated that. I know damn well if I ever had a steady monthy scrip, I would be toast. Thankfully I don't have a pain issue. I just appreciate hearing from you and telling me how bad it could get. I was the worst case senerio alcoholic and went through withdrawls that were indescribable. I was up for three days straight shaking in a pool of cold sweat. Any time I think about taking a drink, I think of that Hell. I am glad I had to go through that, yet with V's I have never suffered a bad WD.

I yet with V's I have never suffered a bad WD.

That is kinda what I have been saying. We are on the same page. If and this is a BIG IF, you did get a script you would feel HORRIBLE WD's. Trust me.

When you say things like that it implies that you think it's under control...because you use occassionally and the withdrawl isn't that bad doesn't mean that if you continue to ocassionally use that they will not get as bad as they were with the alcohol.

Speaking for myself, it DOES get worse. I did the same thing and thought the same thing...I am just trying to help you avoid the path to hell. But at the end of the day...do whatcha wanna do...

JB, join away! You know they say misery loves company! I'm sorry you had a bad day, hope you're feeling better now? Maybe you cried because you were so proud of her? I am only 12 days into it...but yesterday, I felt the same way (just burst into tears for no good reason). I was on the way to pickup my daughter from school and suddenly I felt as low as I could feel...I started wondering who the h*ll I thought I was asking for empathy, when I caused all of this MYSELF. I suddenly felt like a huge and selfish jerk...but, I figured it was just part of withdrawl and I tried to think of something else.

Stay strong! Lisa

xrayman,you know the consequences that await you down that road! .
16 yrs clean,man thats great! Come on guy! you know what WILL happen! You been down that road to hell,now,your at the fork in the road,the good thing is you have the opportunity to choose which way to go,but the window of oportunity is closing my friend,evryday you use.

Hi There

Well I have been on the big V for seven years, no messin around here, my doc gives me 150 per month and I still buy more, to those of you that have only months under your belt get off NOW....I actually got off about 10 years ago lasted a whole 2 years. I went to this place where the doctor had a compound mixed, it was like a gummy bear that you put under your tonuge it was so relaxing no withdrawals and off in a week. Well now Im ready to take the plunge again so I went back to the same guy and he no longer produces it something about not being able to stabalize the compound. So now Im on the internet trying to find something similar with no luck, there is no way I will deal with the withdrawels, not at this stage of the game I would probably have a heart attack or something. And yes if you had access to pills like I do you would be in the same boat so thank your lucky stars. I feel for you though you are just like me the dreaded "addictive personality" they sometimes call it, well hang in there and if your not feeling bad and are off of them jesus try to stay that way, I know easier said then done but I would give anything to have it that easy, by the way the reason the doctors give me pills so freely is that I broke my back so dealing with the back pain will be much easier then dealing with addiction pain, you know what Im talking about?.....