Martha H
11-20-2007, 06:44 AM
My sister and BIL are back from their short visit to NY.
My sister announced that Mom has changed her mind. She is not ready to die. She says "this place is not so bad."
It is as if my sister decided that she could persuade Mom not to die and Mom agreed. We all know it is not Mom's choice - when the time comes, she will have to go whether she likes it here or not. But it is my opinion that my sister somehow got the idea through to Mom, that she would be devastated if Mom passes away (at age 99) so Mom is trying to cling to life a little longer for her sake.
This is of course the opposite of what the rest of us try to do, give Mom our 'permission' and our blessing, and keep telling her she will be in a better place and see all her departed loved ones again.
Meanwhile, Mom's condition is the same, eating hardly anything, becoming just skin and bones, apathetic and not interested in anything.
I don't think my sister's words will have any life prolonging effect, and yet it reminded me yet again how we are not pulling together on the same end of the rope. And it makes me feel very sad and even a little guilty - we are trying to get Mom to relax and let go, since she is officially dying and in hospice care, while the 'good' daughter tries to help her to cling to life.
:confused:
I have visualized all kinds of scenarios around Mom's death, but never this one ....
Love,
Martha
My sister announced that Mom has changed her mind. She is not ready to die. She says "this place is not so bad."
It is as if my sister decided that she could persuade Mom not to die and Mom agreed. We all know it is not Mom's choice - when the time comes, she will have to go whether she likes it here or not. But it is my opinion that my sister somehow got the idea through to Mom, that she would be devastated if Mom passes away (at age 99) so Mom is trying to cling to life a little longer for her sake.
This is of course the opposite of what the rest of us try to do, give Mom our 'permission' and our blessing, and keep telling her she will be in a better place and see all her departed loved ones again.
Meanwhile, Mom's condition is the same, eating hardly anything, becoming just skin and bones, apathetic and not interested in anything.
I don't think my sister's words will have any life prolonging effect, and yet it reminded me yet again how we are not pulling together on the same end of the rope. And it makes me feel very sad and even a little guilty - we are trying to get Mom to relax and let go, since she is officially dying and in hospice care, while the 'good' daughter tries to help her to cling to life.
:confused:
I have visualized all kinds of scenarios around Mom's death, but never this one ....
Love,
Martha
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DGabriel10
11-20-2007, 09:40 AM
I am sorry that your sister has chosen to put yet another burden on your shoulders Martha. Your Mother has lived a good long life and in her current condition you understand that her is near her ending. Your sister is reflecting her inability to deal with the current situation onto your Mom. It was nothing she got from your Mom. Hold on to what you know and believe and take what your sisters says considering the source it came from. As I said about my sister this weekend.... She is doing the best she can with the knowledge and information she allows herself to have at the moment. Know my thoughts and prayer go with you all.....
Love, Deb
Love, Deb
DeeDee7
11-20-2007, 02:41 PM
Martha, I am so sorry you have to deal with this problem. We have had to *pull* some of our siblings along the whole way to get them to deal with the realities of our Mother's dementia. Thank God, all of us are on the same page now, and that is a welcome relief for us.
I know how long you have dealt with these family issues with courage and grace, and just try to be content to know that you have done your best. God Bless you, DeeDee
I know how long you have dealt with these family issues with courage and grace, and just try to be content to know that you have done your best. God Bless you, DeeDee
petal*pusher
11-20-2007, 05:46 PM
Martha...I surely agree with Deb. Making you think that somehow your Mother was able to relay this to your sister is just one more way to heap some guilt on you and your brother. Never mind her! The both of you have already come to the painful understanding of how this disease has absorbed your Mother...and the two of you also.
Standing on the sidelines giving directions and superficial observations often happens to those family members who cannot face reality ...you and your brother stick together...at the end, you'll still have each other.
Sending love your way...keeping you and your family in my thoughts...Pam;)
Standing on the sidelines giving directions and superficial observations often happens to those family members who cannot face reality ...you and your brother stick together...at the end, you'll still have each other.
Sending love your way...keeping you and your family in my thoughts...Pam;)
Dingoes
11-21-2007, 02:43 AM
Martha, I'm so sorry your sister is putting so much of this burden on you. I have a sister who lives in Florida and has been very supportive of anything I want to do (I always got along better with Nana, even as a kid) and reading about your sister and BIL makes me realize how lucky I am.
I'm pulling for you.
I'm pulling for you.
Martha H
11-21-2007, 10:40 AM
Thanks for all your comforting words. People on the Board know what it is like. Some people outside do not -- yesterday an aquaintance of mine here, when hearing about my sister's story, said "why do you begrudge your mother another year? She might live to be 100!"
It's not that I want her to hurry up and die! It's just that she is so far removed from having any kind of happiness or joy in living. She sleeps through phonecalls, doesn't answer when spoken to, lost her enjoyment of food long ago, is wasting away, everything hurts because she has no fat left to pad her in the bed or the wheelchair - many days she just refuses to let them get her out of bed. It is HARD. She is suffereing. I do not want to prolong THAT ... because in my opinin it isn't much of a 'life." Many people do not understand.
You do!
Love,
Martha
It's not that I want her to hurry up and die! It's just that she is so far removed from having any kind of happiness or joy in living. She sleeps through phonecalls, doesn't answer when spoken to, lost her enjoyment of food long ago, is wasting away, everything hurts because she has no fat left to pad her in the bed or the wheelchair - many days she just refuses to let them get her out of bed. It is HARD. She is suffereing. I do not want to prolong THAT ... because in my opinin it isn't much of a 'life." Many people do not understand.
You do!
Love,
Martha
DGabriel10
11-21-2007, 01:18 PM
You are right Martha... many do not understand. My sisters do not understand my wish for my Dad's heart to give out before he reaches the final stages. I know he will go when it is his time but my wish for him is that it will be easy FOR HIM! Not for me but for him. It is about quality of life vs quantity of life. Nobody wishes for a quick end to life, we just wish for a quick end to the pain and suffering. Know in your heart that you want what is best for your Mom and take comfort from that.
You are an amazingly strong lady who has taught me much. I want to thank you and the others on the board as well. I have so much more to go through and I take all of your experiences and words of wisdom with me on my journey. I just hope I can deal with each stage with the courage, wisdom, and strength I see here.
Love, Deb
You are an amazingly strong lady who has taught me much. I want to thank you and the others on the board as well. I have so much more to go through and I take all of your experiences and words of wisdom with me on my journey. I just hope I can deal with each stage with the courage, wisdom, and strength I see here.
Love, Deb
LuvMyLilDoggie
11-22-2007, 07:27 PM
Martha, NO GUILT!!! You and Bill just keep doing what you're doing. Never mind E. She's not in reality when it comes to your mom.
Death is never easy for family. You and Bill will at least have the knowlege and understanding of your mom's situation you both share now. That will help you both as you go thru the grieving process. But when your mom passes, E won't have that. That's why I think your mom's passing will hit E very hard. Death is death and she won't be able to pretend that it's anything different.
I know you wish the rift between you could be healed and E accept reality before your mom's passing. But E is who she is. All you can do is pray that she learns to accept things as they are. Eventually, she will.
You know that with the family situation I have, I understand.
Love and hugs, Barb
Death is never easy for family. You and Bill will at least have the knowlege and understanding of your mom's situation you both share now. That will help you both as you go thru the grieving process. But when your mom passes, E won't have that. That's why I think your mom's passing will hit E very hard. Death is death and she won't be able to pretend that it's anything different.
I know you wish the rift between you could be healed and E accept reality before your mom's passing. But E is who she is. All you can do is pray that she learns to accept things as they are. Eventually, she will.
You know that with the family situation I have, I understand.
Love and hugs, Barb
kappachino
11-23-2007, 02:52 AM
Hello Martha, so sorry to hear that an already difficult situation is being made worse by your sisters current inability to accept what is going to happen. I believe that with this illness, there are in fact two bereavements, once when your adored mum became poorly with this illness and gradually lost the person she was for so many years and, secondly, the actual physical death of someone you love. In my experience (both personal and professionally), I am a firm believer that when the person suffering the illnes is ready to 'let go', nothing or anyone is able to stop this. Your mum will be oh so aware of how her wonderful daughter has completely understood and been utterly selfess. By this I mean, in 'giving her permission' to depart, you have granted her her own inner peace. Im sorry to ramble so, but I so wish that many of my patients had a family as caring as you, please do take care xx
ibake&pray
11-24-2007, 10:48 PM
Martha,
I am so sorry for your sister. She will suffer more than any of you when your mother dies, and she will not be able to understand why. That is probably the hardest part of it.
For you I have nothing but compassion and sympathy and respect. You have helped me through this dark journey......
If you need help, I have just beat you past the finish line..horrid tho it may be....
peace to ou and your mother....
jill
I am so sorry for your sister. She will suffer more than any of you when your mother dies, and she will not be able to understand why. That is probably the hardest part of it.
For you I have nothing but compassion and sympathy and respect. You have helped me through this dark journey......
If you need help, I have just beat you past the finish line..horrid tho it may be....
peace to ou and your mother....
jill
Martha H
11-25-2007, 07:18 AM
Thank you, Jill .. I know I am not far behind you. Every time the phone rings, or there is a message on the answering macine, I skip a breath ....
It can't be much longer now.
Love,
Martha
It can't be much longer now.
Love,
Martha
zonk
11-25-2007, 07:22 AM
Martha, i feel the same way...late night calls or early morning calls,calls at work...one day it will be THE call
kind regards,
Jo
kind regards,
Jo
ibake&pray
11-25-2007, 03:25 PM
Jo, the call at work was the hardest, by far. For some reason I felt cheated. I didn't have a chance to prepare..for a chance to ready myself or to say good bye or for what I'm not sure because I had known that it was coming no matter what. It's just that horrid dread that hits your stomach and the cold that radiates out from there... everything seems so far away and empty.....and people telling you to breath. Why? my parent can't......
zonk
11-26-2007, 05:59 AM
aaah, yes when my dad was dying I neglected my work
11 days from diagnosis of a advanced brain tumour to death.
I remember (out of a sense of duty) going in for a few hours after being told by hospice that his death was iniment within 12 hours or so.
I went to work and tried to apply myself, only to have one of the bosses coming up to me and asking if I would go to the post office to get the mail.
"the mail!!???" inside I was screaming...."you go and get the "huge swearing word" mail....my father is DYING"
he died that night. how can people be worried about these petty things?
but I have had the same job for 8 years now and I have told the same boss about my mum being end stage now.
I said so "if I dont turn up soon you will know why"
day by day, is not for you anymore....now it must be "hour by hour"
you will be ok, not yet,not soon, but one day.
I recovered from my dear dads death (5 years ago) it took about 2-3 years
now my mum is end stage AD...and so the nightmare begins again
11 days from diagnosis of a advanced brain tumour to death.
I remember (out of a sense of duty) going in for a few hours after being told by hospice that his death was iniment within 12 hours or so.
I went to work and tried to apply myself, only to have one of the bosses coming up to me and asking if I would go to the post office to get the mail.
"the mail!!???" inside I was screaming...."you go and get the "huge swearing word" mail....my father is DYING"
he died that night. how can people be worried about these petty things?
but I have had the same job for 8 years now and I have told the same boss about my mum being end stage now.
I said so "if I dont turn up soon you will know why"
day by day, is not for you anymore....now it must be "hour by hour"
you will be ok, not yet,not soon, but one day.
I recovered from my dear dads death (5 years ago) it took about 2-3 years
now my mum is end stage AD...and so the nightmare begins again
ibake&pray
11-26-2007, 11:20 AM
and so the nightmare begins again ......
how true this is. it is creeping at your heels. You can feel it at you feet, but you don't see it when you look back, but you can feel the cold seeping into the back of your spirit and life. You do what you can to keep it at bay..forced frivolity, that teeth clenched smile of normalicy that you show to the world that states you are handling this just fine thank-you-very-much. While inside you are whimpering like a lost little one looking for your parents in a very dark and scary place.
You put on your armour with your clothes in the morning to keep you safe and normal looking, hoping that it will keep you upright and stable to make it through yet another day without collapsing. You do what you can to be competent and together and professional, when all you want to do is to go to bed and pull the covers over you head and cry until there is nothing left but hiccupps and swollen eyes and dirty tissues on the floor.
yes, and so the nightmare begins....the living nightmare that accompanies the sleeping nightmare. I still dream of planning Daddy's funeral..and I have done Mom's..I wonder when I'll start with hers?
how true this is. it is creeping at your heels. You can feel it at you feet, but you don't see it when you look back, but you can feel the cold seeping into the back of your spirit and life. You do what you can to keep it at bay..forced frivolity, that teeth clenched smile of normalicy that you show to the world that states you are handling this just fine thank-you-very-much. While inside you are whimpering like a lost little one looking for your parents in a very dark and scary place.
You put on your armour with your clothes in the morning to keep you safe and normal looking, hoping that it will keep you upright and stable to make it through yet another day without collapsing. You do what you can to be competent and together and professional, when all you want to do is to go to bed and pull the covers over you head and cry until there is nothing left but hiccupps and swollen eyes and dirty tissues on the floor.
yes, and so the nightmare begins....the living nightmare that accompanies the sleeping nightmare. I still dream of planning Daddy's funeral..and I have done Mom's..I wonder when I'll start with hers?