Hi CC,
My goodness, you are quite amazing.
You have to give yourself shots & are doing it!
Good for you! "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going,"---
And that's you!
My niece had to learn to give herself vitamin B12 shots...it took some 'doing,' but she learned. You go, girl!
God bless you, for having the wonderful attitude you do.
You're truly an inspiration for me & many other people on here, too.

I can only imagine how you must be feeling. You said this is 10 X's harder than chemo before. Are you eating? I feel bad you didn't get to have your turkey & dressing...but, there's always room for that later when you're feeling better. I have "Thanksgiving dinner" year-round, myself. It doesn't necessarily have to be a holiday.
I have a "new-found" attitude, as of yesterday & today.
I guess I just got tired of my moping...plus I needed the proper med's. I never really understood "depression," but now I think I do. It's never hopeless....never....ever. Everything changes...this is only temporary.

Linda, I feel so sad when I think of what you're going through.
Remember, we're here, whenever you feel like talking.

I actually put up a small led-light Xmas tree a little while ago.
In the summertime, I had red lights on it, and called it my "chemo tree."
I took it down, when I was done with chemo. I dragged it back out a few hours ago---
Now, it's got blue lights...and it's my bona fide Xmas tree. It's small, but it represents "hope" for me....a new season coming....for all of us.

God bless you, CC.
Please stay in touch. I check back here often, as this is my best source of inspiration.
love you,
S.

Hi Singer,
I am doing ok today. I wish I was better but I'm not. I am obsessing over this growth I have on my left breast. I know the dr says it was benign, but I just want it to go away. Everytime I look at it, I get more nervous.
My main problem is obsessing. I can literally sit all day and think about something over & over & over. I am working hard to try and stop this, but it's hard.
Sometimes I think anxiety & depression is a full time job.
I wish I did take things in stride, but I don't. I can offer great advice to someone else, but can't follow it myself.
Another thing I am working on.
Sounds like you are doing great! Maybe this med combo is the right one for you! It's crazy how one little pill can change so much.
Please try not to obsess about your scans. I know, easier said than done, but in the end, it won't change the outcome.
You are going to be ok, i know it. ;)

CC- Like Singer said, I am proud of you too. Giving yourself shots is pretty amazing. My little sister had to give herself growth hormone shots everynight before bed time, and I was always amazed at her.
You have the most amazing attitude. Please try and remain positive, that's half the battle. Before you know it, this will only be a distant memory...

Linda- Thinking of you.. I hope you are ok. Sending many hugs your way..

xxx

Hello friends,
I am here and doing ok. It is a wk today that Don went to heaven. I keep my busy so I do not have time to obsess over it. I am sad but at peace. I will miss him but know that his time had come and his suffering is over.

Thank you all for your kindness and in thinking of me and my family.

Singer, I am glad that the new meds are kicking in. That is wonderful. Glad
that you went out and had a nice dinner. Did your family not want to do anything? Too bad. My Dad had a nice day with Don's family/. They had everything and they all enjoyed being together and celebrating Don's life.

CC: so glad that you posted ...I have been thinking of you and hoping that you are making it ok. My sister in law is going to write something and wants me to send it to you all. Good for you that you are giving yourself injections.
It is hard to do that. I never have any problems sticking someone else but
would not like to do it to myself. Stay strong. I would call the nurse if your breathing does not get better. Honey do not wait until it is worse. They can give you something to make it easier to breathe. It could be some of the meds doing it. Hang in there.....you are always in my thoughts.

Marnb, You sound alot like me. I am always ruminating over something but am trying not to do that. I am not that familar with that dx for your breast
problem. If you are still concerned I would talk with a breast surgeon. It sounds more dermatological but I still not sure what it is. But it is a benign
condition so that is good. Can you not ask the derm what it is? Hope you had a nice turkey day.

Well I have been busy with Thanksgiving dinner day. I stood on my feet for many hours and was totally exhausted. The next day my daughter and I went Christmas shopping and fought the crowds. Not one store had Xmas music on and it was disappointing. We had fun anyway. I got alot of stuff for my Dad and hubby and son in law.

My Dad is coming here for Christmas for 3 wks. I am so happy and I think he is too. He said he needs to be with us and I need him too. I have not had
Xmas with him for 5 Christmas's. We always had Xmas at my house with everyone there and I really miss it so much. I am going to make this the best
Christmas for him. It will be easier here for him than to be in Fla.

Today I started my decorations and got the tree up and the living room all decorated. We have a 118 yr old Queen Anne Victorian home so I did a very
old fashioned decor. I am putting a smaller tree upstairs in the other den so my Dad has a tree when he wants to watch TV. I am looking forward to being with him and making a warm holiday for him to remember.

Hubby is going to put the lights up outside tomorrow. It was in the 60's here on thur. and by evening it went down in the 30's. Today was in the 20's and 30's. Burr. All I want is a White Christmas and for all of you to have the
good news you so deserve.

Well I am running out the things to say other than have a good week and thank you for thinking of me. When all is quiet at night that is when the tears come.

Love to all
Linda

Hi Linda,
You sound good....yes, it's good to stay busy.
I've been finding that out lately. My med's are helping, but I still have to give myself that little "kick" to get going. I can "veg-out" real easy, if I allow myself.
Today, I'm determined to get the laundry caught-up and try to clean the attic.

Your house sounds lovely. I think the older homes have such charm. I have a smaller house, but everyone always comments on how much space there is, once inside. Since I was on the road for so long, I let a lot of things go---I'm trying to catch up, now...but, it's going to take some time. I'm still not up-to-par.

Right before I was dx, I had trouble with my arms falling asleep. I think it was because of my growing lymph node...now, I'm having trouble again, but I think it's caused by my treatment (at least I'm praying). I think it's "neuropathy." I'd search it on the internet, but everytime I do, I regret it. I think I'll call my chemo nurses tomorrow to see it there's anything I can to alleviate it. I wake up every half hour or so, and have to rearrange myself, because something has fallen asleep---usually my arms. I'm trying not to obsess....of course, I'm worrying there's another lymph node swelling somewhere.
When does this all subside? Weeks? Months?
In the meantime, I'm pushing on....thank God I've found something to take, that's working somewhat to ease my nerves.

I'm glad you dad is coming to stay with you over Xmas. That will be nice to have him with your family.

Marn, I "feel" for you. It's always the "not knowing" that drives you nutso.
That's why I'm trying to stay busy. I can sink real deep, if I allow myself. There's always a new symptom on the horizon.... I know it's hard, but staying busy....reading, cleaning, visiting, shopping,...whatever, anything... helps.

CC...hope you're doing better today.
When you can, post and let us know how you're doing.
I'm glad you have someone helping you out. Is it a visiting nurse?
I hope you're on the mend today. I know how hard ABVD was, and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. You're always in my prayers....Linda, too...Marn, you also. :angel:

Well...off I go.
I've been sleeping a lot on these med's. I guess I need it. But, my days are starting later and later... That's o.k., though. We all need sleep. My chemo nurses have stressed that to me over & over.

Have a lovely Sunday. I'm so glad I have my friends here. :)
love, S.

Singer that was so sweet of you to start this for me.:angel: I actually saw this last night and started to reply and all of a sudden this wave of nausea came over me and I had to leave. You never know when it's going to hit you. Today I'm just so drained and have been barely able to get off the sofa. I did call the chemo nurse about my breathing problems. She said it's probably from my RBCs being so low. But if it doesn't improve they'll give me something. Just what I need another pill to take. :( I used to keep pills in the medicine cabinet, not any more. It takes half my kitchen counter.

I'm so glad that the pills are working for you Singer. I know you're anxious about the scans but I know it my heart that this will be all over for you. And what a story about the chemo tree. I never thought of that. I'm starting to get the holiday blues. I had tickets to go to NYC next Saturday with church and see the Christmas show, the ice skaters in Rockefeller Center and St. Patrick's Cathederal. I won't be making it though. :(

Linda I've been thinking of you constantly and I'm glad you posted too. It sounds like you have a lovely house. I'm so glad that your dad is coming to stay with you for Christmas. You need to lean on each other at this time.

Marn I know that you are probably worried. Isn't there someone else you can go to? Someone who will sit down and talk to you? I know how frustrating it is not knowing.

I'm doing okay with the shots, hit a bad spot today and had to do it over again. :( But along with it comes the all over achiness. :(

Must hit the sofa again. I'm actually closing my eyes. I took something for pain and it's hitting me all of a sudden. I'm glad you all had a great Thanksgiving. That will be me next year, I promise :D

Hugs,
Kayla

Hi Kayla,

Are you breathing better today?
I know what you mean about "pills, pills & more pills..."
I, too, have an array of them mounting. Now, I'm adding to them anti-d's, I can't take.
So far, I'm doing o.k. on the celexa. "One day at a time," right?

I'm so sorry you won't get to go to New York for the Xmas season. It will be there next year---and just think....all of this will be behind you. I wasn't even planning on getting in the Xmas spirit, until I turned on the radio & they were playing Xmas music... There's something very moving about it. That's when I went out on the patio & dragged my tree back in. It's a small tree (about 4 feet) with little mirrors all over it...very pretty---although some of the small mirrors keep falling off. I put led blue lights on it, and find myself just staring at it. Do you have any Xmas decorations from the past? If so, it might perk you up a little to place a few around. I think of it as "inspiration." After all, we all know the "real reason for the season." :angel: I'm here to celebrate it with you!

I hope your shots are going o.k. How long do you have to keep it up?

I'm doing pretty good...considering my scans are next week. I'm so trying to busy myself & not get consumed with worry. The med's are definitely helping.

Just wanted to say "hi" to you and everyone.
Hang in there....you're one step closer.....
love, S.

Hi everyone-
Couldn't sleep so I thought I would post to say hello.
I'm going for a second opinion tomorrow to another dr. My sister sees this dr and swears by her, so we will see what she says.
I'm usually so excited around this time of year, but I've had such a rough one, I can't wait to start a fresh new year.
Singer, I know what you mean about the holiday music. Even if I'm in a terrible mood it lifts my spirits a little when it comes on.
My husband is probably gonna get our tree soon, which will be nice, and then we go back east in 3 weeks. I can't believe the holidays are right around the corner.
Well both for me, since I celebrate hanukkah and christmas.
Anyways, I hope everyone is well.
Glad the meds are helping somewhat singer, just think, your scans are coming up so soon.
I know you will get great news.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
xxx

Hello Kayla, Singer,Marnb,
Kayla, Hope that you are getting along okay. I am praying that this treatment will kick the disease in the butt. Please let us know. We are here for you.

Singer, Hopefully you can get the results of your scans on the same day like before. Maybe you should see if they can do that to lessen the angst. You are doing good alot better than I would. Do you do anything special for the holidays? Does your family get together at all? I am happy that my Dad is coming. He will be here on Dec 18th, Don's birthday. I thought it would take his mind off it if he was excited about flying. He will leave on Jan 7th. It will be a nice stay. He says he misses us all so much. I feel the same. I want this to be a very special Christmas for me. We have bought him loads of presents to open and I set up the guest bedroom with pictures of him and my Mom. It was their 58th wedding anniversary yesterday.

marnb, Glad that you have a second opinion set up. I can not understand why the dermatologist just left you hanging. Did they not say you needed any follow up appt. Just leave it alone or remove it? Well I should say I am not surprised. That is how some docs are.

Well hubby and are are going to put the Xmas lights up outside. I finally got the whole house decorated and cleaned. I have a small tree in the family room downstairs, the big tree in the living room, another small one in the dining room, a small one in our bedroom and a medium size one in the den upstairs. Do you think I like Christmas????? It is my favorite holiday and I love all the Christmas movies, songs, lights and everything about it. I do not know if I can post pics on here or not but if I can I will post some.

My sister-in law called me yesterday and said she is feeling calm and much better. The gathering at the house was Sunday and over 100 people showed up. They had a nice gathering and everyone had stories to tell about Don.
It helped to bring closure for her. I wanted so badly to be there but just
could not travel a thousand miles one way during the worst travel day of the year. I am glad that they understood. I was there in spirit. Don had alot of
friends from all walks of life. Lawyers, teachers, police and the whole gambit of folks. He was a man of all seasons and liked everyone.

Well my heart still aches for my Don but I am trying not to focus on the loss but think of him in Heaven with my other Angel, my mother. I pray that everything I believe in is true. I still find myself angry with God but I will get over it.

Hope you all have a nice day. PLease let me know how you all are doing and the results of everything.

Love to all
Linda

Hi All,
I'm busying myself, so as not to be consumed with worry about my scan coming up next week. The only problem I'm having is "neuropathy" in my arms, and sometimes feet. They fall asleep, especially when I'm sleeping. I woke up with a huge bruise on my leg & reported it to the chemo nurse---she said it sounded like my knee socks were too tight & I was cutting off circulation. duh. It caused a huge bruise, which tells me my circulation is different than it used to be....well, just about "everything" is different.

Hope everyone is coping as good as can be expected. I'm slowly getting my energy-levels back, day by day. The neuropathy is quite a pain, but it's better than having treatment daily. I believe my celexa is helping immensely, too---I can only imagine how I'd be, without something to lift my mood & lesson my never-ending anxiety. I'm doing much better...(fingers crossed).

Just wanted to say a quick "hello" to everyone....will check back later.
I can't believe my scan is finally around the corner. What a journey this "C" thing is...for everyone involved. Life has certainly taken a new turn.

Love to hear from everyone.... I think of "all" of you often & pray for you everyday.
Love, XO

Hello Singer,
Gald that you are coping ok. I just heard that phrase again that says LIVE IN
THE MOMENT....that is so true. No matter how you get to the next step you
will get to the next step, so you might as well make your destination a happy one. I wish I could live by those words. It is hard not to have all the fears
bring you down. I guess you can dance and sing along the way or throw covers over your head and walk in darkness. How you get there is up to you.
Everytime I use to worry and make myself sick and walk around like the living dead and then everything turned out ok and would think to myself that I lost
all those days where I could have been happy despite my fears and worry.

I hope that I am making sense. Anyway it is almost here and you will be able
to relax when you get the answer to your biggest question.
Enjoy the holiday season and sing.....I mean really SING. Music lifts your spirits as you already know. I am singing all over the place and believe me it is not pretty. My poor family has to listen to the array of Christmas Carols that I do not know all the words to and sing off key. I still love it anyway even though they have to wear ear plugs.

All I am trying to say is to Sing and smile your way to your scans and block out the fears with good thoughts.

Please let us all know that we are thinking of you and hoping that you get
your Christmas miracle.


CC Hope that you are doing good. Please let us know. You are always in my thoughts. We love you.


Love
Linda

Hi Linda,
Yes...."live for the moment."
On another board, I had someone tell me, that "I" am my own "safe place," ---no matter where you go, or whatever happens. That has helped, too. I think I was running away from myself, whereas I needed to nurture & tell myself everything was going to be o.k.--no matter what. Of course, the celexa & clonazepam is helping a whole lot. I am no longer afraid of mind-altering drugs. I believe them to be a life-saver for me right now. I'm actually being mildly productive here at home, and I truly believe, without them, I'd be consumed with worry. I don't plan on taking them for a lifetime,...but, right now it's "what the doctor ordered." (little lol...)

***(I'm editing this right now to tell anyone how important it is, to find the right anti-depressant. Zoloft was making me mean & irritable...whereas the celexa is making me more centered. People definitely have to experiment a little to find the right one for their brain chemistry)***

I'm so glad you're perservering as well as you are.
You're my hero. I remember back to the days of losing my dear beloved sister, and I was so numb, I couldn't function for months. I think it was a bit different in my situation, because she died so unexpectedly....of course, it's never easy losing a loved one, no matter what the circumstance.
Everyone kept telling me to "smile,"---it kind of pissed me off...what did I have to "smile" about?---But, that was many moon's ago, and I've grown leaps & bounds and I don't take anything for granted anymore. I was blessed to have her in my life for as many years as I did, and she taught all of us in the family many lessons....like your Don. What a wonderful role model he'd become for all of us here. I feel blessed to have "known" him through you.

I have my scan on Tuesday---some keratosis's removed by my dermatologist on Wed.--- see my Oncologist on Thursday---and my psychologist immediately after seeing my onc. I asked them to 'rush' my results---since I'm already stressing some---but, you're right....It "is" what it "is," and I have to think positive. The "Week" I've been waiting for & praying for is HERE!...well, almost.... Now, Dear God...just keep me sane for the next few days. It helps to talk to you, Linda...as well as my other dear, dear friends here.

CC---we're wondering what's going on in your life.
Hope you're on the mend & ready to tackle the next step.
We'll get "there"---somehow, some way...I still would like to meet you all.
You've all become so important & irreplaceable to me.
From now on, when I sing "Unforgettable," I'll dedicate that song to you all (in my mind).
I'm s-l-o-w-l-y deciding what my next move is, considering the singing career. My psychologist has helped me realize I still love it---and that I need to "grow up" a little & learn to "put myself first." Easier said, than done. I've always been a giver.... now, I need to focus on me. I'm trying. I've been trying.

I'm glad you're enjoying the Xmas season. I know it's rough for people like you, CC....but, please know we're here for you & we care....very, very much. :)
Love, S.
"Christmas miracle...."----I like that.

Hello Singer,
Glad to hear from you....I am proud of you for doing so well. Believe me you have not seen anything until you see me when I am worried. I will let it consume me and take over....not a pretty sight.

I use to get that too.....SMILE, when I was in the depths of despair. Sometimes it just is not possible to do. That is so right...to nurture yourself and you are your safe place. That is so funny that you said that as I was telling my husband that same thing the other day. I told him that I surround myself with things that make me happy visually, smells I love, sounds that make me feel good. I am a self-soother and in my mind I recall all the things that have brought me joy. I have done that even more so since Don has passed and it helps for it not to hurt so bad.

I am sorry that you lost your sister. I always wanted a sister. I wish I could here you sing. I love to sing but no one wants me to. lol

Have a happy day.. My daughter just called and said she has a project at work she needs my help on. Yeepee. I am needed.

Love
Linda