My mom has started to get very upset every nite when the sun goes down (ever since the clock change). She lives with my dad. Now, he dials the phone and she asks me about 4 times a night if "that man is really her husband, she doesn't believe it". It has become drastically worse each night and now she says that she is not going to let a stranger live with her and she no longer wants to talk to me. OK. whatever because I know it will be fine in the morning and will start all over again tomorrow evening. She has a dr. appointment (which we moved up) Dec. 3. Any ideas, suggestions, help!! It is so frustrating to us and very sad because we know that she is so upset believing this man is a complete stranger as soon as dusk hits. Thank you as always.

Sorry to hear that your Mom gets upset and confused at night. It is typical of AD patients to go off kilter in the evening. Once my Mom (I had been living with her for about 4 years at that time) woke me up in the night, demanding to know who I was and what I was doing in her house.

It is possible that your Mom doesn't realize how old she is, and doesn't believe that that old man is her (young) husband - just as my Mom coudn't believe I was her (young) daugher when I was already 60.

It is hard for loved ones to deal with - we are trying so hard to help, and yet being rejected like that. I am sorry for your dad. I hope that the doctor will have a solution. Some people get a mild sleeping pill so they will go to bed earlier and go to sleep and skip the 'sundowning' type of confusion. My Mom never did; her heart and other problems made it unwise to give her that kind of medication. We just tried to manage as best we could, and eventually she went to a nursing home where she still is.

You will need a lot of patience and understanding. When she calls to ask you who that man is, and doesn't believe he is her husband, perhaps you can calm her down just by saying, "It is OK, we checked him out, he is a good man who is there to help you." Maybe that will help for awhile - and in later stages this may not happen any more.

I wish I could be of more help to you.

Love,

Martha

Hey, for some reason every single thread in here makes me emotional because it still hits close to home. They same thing happened with my grandfather who raised me as much as my own parents did. He began to accuse his wife of been someone else or a kidnapper and got way more agressive and petulant than he would ever want to (though he was in too weak a state and too good a person to turn violent). All I can say is taht dementia seems to be worse at night than at morning and I don't know why that is but it was apparently called "sundowning" colloquially. Search "dementia sundowning" on a web search engine and you'll get some useful stuff.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and advice. I will go now and do a search and I will also try that "we checked him out" line and see how that works. My mom also has heart problems, so the dr. may not be able to give her additional medication. I know it is only going to become more complicated, but this forum is very helpful.

Martha H's answer is the kind we found most helpful with our dad--and the book "Learning to speak Alzheimers" by Joanne Koenig Coste is wonderful for explaining this.

Once we stopped worrying about "the facts" and went along with his reality, EVERYONE was happier. Dad was less combative because we weren't trying to "correct" him. --If he believed he was back in a logging camp in 1948, who were we to take that away?

Coming up with creative ways of combining his reality and things that just were took some practice, like how "we've checked him out and he's okay" probably wasn't the first thing that came to mind for Martha H.

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Coming up with creative ways of combining his reality and things that just were took some practice, like how "we've checked him out and he's okay" probably wasn't the first thing that came to mind for Martha H.[/QUOTE]

You are so right! It took me years to finally 'get it" ....

Martha H's answer is the kind we found most helpful with our dad--and the book "Learning to speak Alzheimers" by Joanne Koenig Coste is wonderful for explaining this.

Once we stopped worrying about "the facts" and went along with his reality, EVERYONE was happier. Dad was less combative because we weren't trying to "correct" him. --If he believed he was back in a logging camp in 1948, who were we to take that away?

Coming up with creative ways of combining his reality and things that just were took some practice, like how "we've checked him out and he's okay" probably wasn't the first thing that came to mind for Martha H.

Hey, I just wanted to add that when we were doing that the doctor actually said not to do it because it would encourage more behaviour like it but that isn't fair to the person involved really, is it? When they can't control their behaviour why not just go along with what they're saying for as long as it makes sense. I think you did the right thing because it's what we did for most of the time.

Telling an dementia patient to think better is like telling a person with a broken leg to walk better. It is just not going to happen and it is not fair to the loved one. I deal with the same problem with my dad. He deals so much better when I step into his world instead of trying to drag him into mine. We all know the uncomfortable feeling we get when we met somebody that we should know but do not have a clue who they are. Imagine going through that over and over. We also know the aggitation we feel when we know we are right and everybody keeps tells us we are wrong. Imagine going through that over and over. When we realize where they are and that they are doing the best they can with the resources they have available it is easier to go with them. You are not teaching them anything or encouraging more aggitation or aggression. They are what they are. We are the ones that can change and make them more comfortable in their world. Wish I could teach my sisters that!!

Love, Deb

Deb, you put that so beautifully! Thank you. I wish some of the caregivers that crossed Dad's path (for as little time as possible) who were in the "Reality Orientation" theory camp could read your post--and understand it! Beautiful.