how do you get throght something like this i cant seem to move on .i miss him so much.jenny:confused:

Jenny, I am so sorry for your loss. When did he die?

I lost my parents 5 weeks apart this fall and some days I wonder why I am even getting out of bed. The misery is overwhelming. And although people seem to care, they don't know what to say and don't know how to act around you.

As trite as it does sound, you will get thorugh it. It will happen, slowly, one day at a time.

Have youe tried journaling? I believe that my parents can read everything that I have written. It somehow releaves the pain and anguish.

Try searching the net for the 7 stages of grief. It will help you cope or at least understand why you feel so rotten. Not make it any easier..nothing is going to help that dear. but you are in my prayers.....

Hi Jenny,
I too lost my spouse on November 25, 2007.
I can't answer your question about how to move on as I haven't been doing so well myself. My spouse had cancer and was originally diagnosed with a two month time frame. Thankfully we did get almost two years together.
I lost my mom shortly before that.
Although people greive in their own way, I can understand how you are feeling. I am in a fog and trying everyday to figure out how to move on. I try to keep myself so occupied that by the time bed comes I am exhausted that I have to sleep but yet it is a troubled not so restful sleep.
I went back and read your posts. My spouse also made me promise not to put him in the hospital. He did not like doctors much and I promised that I would keep him home. I know he was thankful. We were offered homecare everyday but he wouldn't let anyone else help him. I am so glad I looked after him but the last few weeks haunt me. I was so exhausted from lifting, carrying and changing him that I felt for a few days angry. Then guilt. Thank god I got passed that and decided no matter how tired I was, I would enjoy the time I had with him and we did. Shortly before he died, I asked him if he knew how much I loved him. He smiled a puckered his lips a couple of times to kiss me. I smile at that.
I know everyday that he appreciated what I did and I am so glad that I could have done that for him.
After he died, I searched and searched for a letter or something that he would have wrote me (he wasn't very good with words) but found nothing. I was sure he would write something since he was sick for so long. But now I realize we did say everything. Ablsolutly everything we could
Wishing you peace.
Joy

thank you all for your kind words . im really trying to move on but it is very hard i have a great family and they are here for me . i dont know what id do without them . love jenny

Dear Jenny

I lost my husband 6 1/2 months ago. I am also blessed to have a wonderful family and loving friends. However, nothing makes up for your loss. Our lives are not the same - we went from married to widowed - a change we did not want. What helps me - keeping busy and crying when I feel like it. The first month I could not sit still - I had to be doing something - anything - to keep me busy. After a while it gets easier - you go from crying many times during the day - to only once a day - and then one day you actually have a "good" day and realize you felt happy for a period of time. It gets easier - although it still isn't easy.

Yesterday a man told me how his wife had cancer and how grateful he was she recovered. I am very happy for him and his wife - but have been crying off an on since then as I wish with all my heart that my beloved husband could have gotten better as well and wonder why some people recover and others don't.

There is no easy or simple answer. Someone told me the greater your love, the greater your grief will be and to think of your grief as just a manifestation of your great love. Sounds great - but when you are the one grieving it's hard to think of it as a blessing of any kind.

So get through just one day at a time - and if that is too hard try for a couple hours at a time. Talk to him, cry, rest when you can and some day the pain will ease a little.

Best wishes,
mac

Please let me say I am so sorry for everyone who posted here.
My husband has prostate cancer that has spread to his bones and has been told he has maybe a few years to live. We found out in early 2007 and my life and his hasn't been the same. I am so afraid of the future, How am I going to get along without him?
It is a good thing that you all have family and friends, I am so sure that it helps alot. I am scared because I have no family that is close, we haven't been in touch for a few years now. I have very few friends and I have told no one about this, my husband at this time doesn't want me to say anything, so that is why I have posted on a few threads on this board, this is my only outlet.
He still looks healthy, goes to work, life is almost like it was, except it is like a time bomb and we don't know when it will go off. I pray alot and I will pray for all of you. I hope you don't mind my posting here. summerblue

mac , i just read your message and you are right family does help but it,s not the same . the worste time for me is when i go to bed alone at night and when i wake alone in the morning . we were married 46 years he wanted to make it to our 50 th but it wasnt to be sadly.i am getting a bit better but it,s a very slow process i miss him so much.love to you jenny.

Summerblue

I am so sorry for your news. There is no pain greater than watching someone you love go through a terminal illness. When my husband was so ill, I found a support group through my local hospice for cancer caregivers. It was a chance for me to spend one hour a week with others who also were caring for a loved one at a difficult time. We talked of practical things (memory foam cushions when cancer patients lose so much weight that sitting is painful, nutrition items like Boost versus Ensure) but also support issues - they were truly a small group who did understand what I was experiencing as they were sharing the same experience. There was also a local group for cancer patients although if your husband doesn't want anyone to know he may not be open to it. You may not be ready or able to attend a support type group at this time - just a thought if you need them in the future. Another sugestion is to see if you or your husbands employers offer and EAP service - it would be confidential.

Cancer is truly an all encompassing struggle for both of you. My heart goes out to you both and my prayers as well. Keep posting, we care about you.

mac

I remember when I knew that Brian was first diagnosed. It is natural to try to imagine what your life would be like without someone there. I think it is part of the process. I use to scan this page and read some of the posts. Jenny is right, it isn't the same. There is nothing that can prepare you for the death of someone you love. Summerblue, you have time with your spouse, don't waste it.
Jenny, Brian and I were together 13 years. Very little compared to you but we packed alot into that time. Everything from many arguements to kisses and laughter. I find that I can function better when at work but as soon as I get home I break. I am trying to do the best I can for our son but yesterday I was packing up some of the clothes and cried and cried. My son heard me and came upstairs and just sat and hugged me. Going to bed is difficult and I must admit, I can't do it without have a glass or two of wine anymore. Not a good thing to be doing but it's the only way I can force myself to climb those stairs.
Tomorrow will be two months that he has been gone and I am finding it harder now then it was last month. I find I am trying to avoid the routine that we had when he was so sick. Something as simple as a tv show (judge judy) that we always watched. I can't watch it anymore. I haven't reached the point of being able to concentrate on the good times yet, all I can picture in my mind is the end. I get angry, infact, I am very angry. I am avoiding most of my family except my father.
I am sure it will get better sometime. It has too.
Love to the both of you,
Joy

Jenny

There is no easy way to deal with it is there? I also sleep with his pillow and have kept many of his clothes so I can still have a little of him. But his pillow and favorite shirt is no substitute. I find myself still getting through the days - and most are okay. But I don't think of the future and no longer think of fun things for "our" retirement in a few years as I still can't picture what a future without him could be like. So I focus only on today and the next few days and figure that maybe when I get to the future I will have figured it out or adjusted. There is no loss to compare to losing a beloved spouse as they are also your companion, your past and your planned future. Losing a parent is hard but you always "know" you will probably outlive your parents. I cannot imagine the overwhelming loss of losing a child.

So - I still talk to him and have kept his ashes at home. I bought a double urn and had told him before he died that I would keep him with me until I die and then our children can add my ashes to his and bury us together. It may sound odd, but having his ashes gives me comfort as I know we will be together again.


Jenny - we will get through this one day at a time - blessing to you tonight.

mac

I too keep Brian's ashes at home. I find comfort in it and I can't even begin to think of putting them on the Lake. (where he want's to be) I talk to him as well. It does help me.

So - I still talk to him and have kept his ashes at home. I bought a double urn and had told him before he died that I would keep him with me until I die and then our children can add my ashes to his and bury us together. It may sound odd, but having his ashes gives me comfort as I know we will be together again.

i had to limit my visits to the cemetary because i found that it made me feel worse so i just go about once a week now , it hurts too much to know im leaving him there alone .i nkow i will be with him some day but thats all up to god .i know now that im not afraid of death anymore when it comes time to go to him i will be ready .i miss him more each day . i feel for all the other people going throught the same thing we are .love to all . jeeny

i lost him on the 15thof october at 1.15am he had his 68th birthday on the 14th and went 1hour and 15 minutes after midnight .on the 15th . it was awful .i miss him so much jenny.

Brian had his 53rd birthday on November 11th and died November 25th at 1:50pm. Yesterday was not a good day for me. The 25th will never be a good day for me again I am sure.

Thanks everyone for your kind words to me, I am sitting here crying now and my heart goes out to all of you. I am praying for all of us. I will try to post later when I am feeling a bit better, Peace to you all,

Hello everyone, I had read all the posts that everyone has has left..I feel so much for all..I lost my 41 yr. old husband on Oct. 5th 2007. We have 3 daughters that are 19yrs.(she had a birthday 2 wks to the day after losing dad), a 14 yr. old and a 10 yr. old..I too have his urn here at home, when i go I will be put in the same urn..I left for the holidays with our girls because I couldn't bare to be here in the house during the holidays that he loved so much..I felt so bad about leaving him home, I know it sounds crazy, but we always went away on a trip together. So, a friend of mine told me about cremation jewerly. I had no idea or clue of what she was talking about, so i went to the site online and I saw the most beautiful pieces of jewelry that holds a small amount of ashes, dried flowers from the funeral or even a locket of hair..I purchased one and it arrived before we left..I was able to place some of his ashes in the pendent and I left so good that I was able to take him with me and he would always be with me..Maybe, some might think otherwise, but it was what helped me..Even just for that moment..Everyone that saw it never knew what it really was..If anyone is interested in the site, email me and I will forward it..
In anycase, my husband had non-hodgkins lymphoma and had a donor stem cell transplant, and because of a doctor not doing his job and not doing a simple blood test he died. He fought like hell and never thought he was going to die..I am somewhat humbled that I was able to spend our 21st wedding anniversary at home after transplant. I turned 39 almost 2 wks ago and I have found that it has been getting harder and harder as time goes by..I miss him terribly, my girls have been having their moments as well..I try with everything I have to keep my strength for them, but it's hard at times to try to be that person that maintained the strength I had before..People feel that because they have all gone back to their lives and rountines that we as widows seems to have to do the same. I know at least for me, nothing is normal, I don't even think I will ever be the person I was prior to Oct. 5th..My family and friends try to understand, but they can't. They don't know how far the depths of my grief goes..I feel empty, incomplete, angry, and really I just feel like I am existing but not living..He was my soulmate and the love of my life..The most beautiful human being..I cry everyday, I sleep with his pillow, I haven't even had the strength to go through his closet..I know it will all take time..But, I just never thought I would be a widow at this age, I always thought that we would have a life to grow old together..I am sooo heartbroken..I am heartbroken for you all..It hurts so much, and it's so sad to be left behind without the one that was the other half of you..

May we all find some peace and solace one day..

A big hug to all
Michelle :(

Michelle and Jenny,
Once again I am on the site trying to make sense of it all. I can't. I feel so angry right now. Today started out fine, then I got home from work and put on Brian's video they made at the funeral home. I cried and cried but yet I continued to watch it over and over.
I so much need to know that there are others out there going through the same thing but yet I have a hard time dealing with each person's story. I cry for each of you as much as I do for myself.
With me, it has only been since November 25th, for Michelle since October and Jenny about a year. Does it get better? God, I hope so.
My feelings are so confused sometimes I have no idea what direction to go in. I'm doing the best I can for my son as well.
I hope the both of you are doing better then I am. Wish I could say something more that could comfort you both but I have no idea what.
Joy

God Bless all of you that have lost your other half. I too, lost mine to Cancer in July 18, 2006. I am still having a hard time of it. At first I had a lot to do, as I was getting ready to have my 7 th back surgery in Sept. Then, since I didn't want to live out in the country alone, I made plans to move to a nearby town. Before I did, I needed another surgery, the day them moved my biggest furniture. My country home needed some painting and I did that against my surgerons orders. I have one grown son, but he wasn't around to help me. Anyway, I made plans to have an auction sale too & that was a big job, even with help. I put off grieving thru my birthday, our anniverary, Thanksgiving & Christmas. His birthday was in January. Then I just went to pieces as Spring came along. Everyone thought I was doing good so they didn't check on me. I don't have family except for my husbands. They still don't call or come around. One sis of his, did say this past Christmas I needed help from a counsler and she is one herself . I'd give anything to just talk to her, but she don't think she should be the one, and she don't have time for me. Isn't that something? I have a nephew, that come around and gives me attention, but that is all.

Its never easy tho. Some come grieve and go on. but I seem to have a lot of crying going on with his family just going on like nothing ever happen. They don't even call, so I have to go on by myself. I have one good friend that lives states away, & if we didn't talk on the phone often, I don't know what I would do. It is hard and I don't know yet how long this process takes. I do work for Hospice and take care of a patient and have had to learn the basics of grieving. I also work for a place in this town on Sats. Its my prayer we get threw this in time.
Fancylady:angel:

fancy lady .im praying for you i hope you start to feel a bit better soon. it feels like your all alone but we are all thinking of you and wish you well . i was starting to feel a bit better because im on depression tablets now but i got some news today that set me back a bit , well a lot really i think i have breast cancer now ,im waiting on final results and am hoping for better news next week when my biopsy results come back .it was a bit of a shock because im still trying to cope with losing my husband of 46 years and it,s very hard as you know but i feel im going to be ok i think positive . love to you .

Michelle and Jenny,
Once again I am on the site trying to make sense of it all. I can't. I feel so angry right now. Today started out fine, then I got home from work and put on Brian's video they made at the funeral home. I cried and cried but yet I continued to watch it over and over.
I so much need to know that there are others out there going through the same thing but yet I have a hard time dealing with each person's story. I cry for each of you as much as I do for myself.
With me, it has only been since November 25th, for Michelle since October and Jenny about a year. Does it get better? God, I hope so.
My feelings are so confused sometimes I have no idea what direction to go in. I'm doing the best I can for my son as well.
I hope the both of you are doing better then I am. Wish I could say something more that could comfort you both but I have no idea what.
Joy

thinking of you , hope you start to feel better soon love jenny

Jenny

I am thinking of you and hope your biopsy results are fine.

Best wishes, mac

thank you for your loving thoughts, ill post my biopsy results when i get them . im hoping for a good result just have to think positive , love from jenny.

got my biopsy report back everything is good . got to go back in 6 months for follow up, great news .jenny

got my biopsy report back everything is good . got to go back in 6 months for follow up, great news .jenny



Jenny

That is AWESOME! I am hoping that 2008 is a better year for everyone and certainly receiving positive news helps with your year doesn't it!

Keep staying strong,

mac:)

Jenny,
I am so glad to hear everything is okay. I was away for a bit and didn't read the updates until a few days ago. Honestly, I had no idea how to respond. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through but thank god, you are fine.
I hope you are feeling a little better. For me, the days seem to be getting worse. I feel like I am sinking into this black, deep hole and the only time I can function is when I am so past the point of exhaustion. Then I fall into bed and sleep for a few hours only to wake up either crying or sweating from the nightmares I have.
I miss him so much. I am scared that I am not going to make it. I worry about looking after things, (the house, our son) and disappointing him. Maybe I just can't do it!
I am lonely, not that I am looking for someone else, that's not happening, but I even find when my son is gone for an evening that it is so quiet, so sad. My son is 16 and even when he is downstairs, playing on the computer, doing his thing, at least I know he is here.
Although I packed up some of his clothes, I can't seem to bring myself to actually take them out of the house.
I think I have done what Brian would have hated, I now have pictures everywhere of him. He always hated that, even when he was here.
I can't believe he has been gone so long yet it seems like yesterday.
If I could only get rid of the last images. They say it is a gift for both he and myself, that you will never forget when you care for someone........I am not sure about that.....to watch someone die is no gift, it gives you no "nice" memories......all it does is haunt you! I want to remember what he was.
Joy

jelz.ive just got your message and thank you for thinkinh of me . i was really glad when i got my results ,i was pretty scared .im sitting here trying to think how i can help you through this.having your son there must be a big help. i havent touched my husbands things yet neither i just cant seem to do it .i have photo,s all around too and my husband hated photo,s he always said they remind you too much but i find it comforting to look at them .i have just got a locket and put a small photo of each of us in it and im going to wear it all the time .i miss him a lot espeacially at night .i hope you start to feel better soon .love jenny.

thank you mac.it was great news for me. i hope 2008 is a better year too for everyone.there is so much heartache everywhere .i wish i could fix the world but i cant it,s in gods hands isnt it .love jenny.

hello eveyone . ive just had a week away so i was just wondering how you all are . im getting a lot better , i hope you are all ok too love jenny.

Jenny

That is AWESOME! I am hoping that 2008 is a better year for everyone and certainly receiving positive news helps with your year doesn't it!

Keep staying strong,

mac:)

hi mac , yes it,s great news .i was very worried there but im ok now thanks for thinking of me love jenny

Jenny,
I can honestly say I can feel your pain, my husband was very recently killed in a car crash.
I feel like I have been cheated out of life because my life revolved around him, I just dont know what to do anymore, I feel so lost without him.
I think the pain will never g away but one day we will ake friends with the tears and sorrow and we will be able to look at there lives and not feel sad but happiness, because even though they were her on earth for such little time, they chose us to spend there lives with not anyone else.
We were there special girls and no-on can take that away from us.
The pain will be there for a very long time, this pain tells us how much we loved, how much we cared, and how much we lost.
My heart goes out to you, it really does xo