Well its been a very long time since I've posted here as I've been so busy and just recently moved back home again (1000+ miles away). I've got my old job back with a promotion so my son is in school and after care. So now onto the issue. My son hit puberty at 8 years old so he is about a foot taller than the next tallest in his fifth grade class. He is just going way too far taking out his anger over his past on other kids. It first started with pulling kids pants down. Next it was wedgies and now he is hitting other kids. Granted most of the kids he hit have been making fun of him for being so tall but its still no excuse to hit them either.

I've tried talking with him and taking away toys etc but nothing works. I know he has remorse after acting out but it just doesn't stop him. He isn't an angry kid and all of his teachers say he is a model student "expect" during PE and recess. Now I have parents telling me if their kid is hit again they will charge my son with assault. So for now the school has worked with me and is now going to hold him out from recess and PE until the holidays are over.

So simply put I could really use some advice from those of you who have been there and done that. I'm really working on trying to figure out why he loses complete control over his emotions and enters into a rage. It takes teachers minutes until they can calm him down and start talking with them. One teacher says its light looking into a persons eyes and seeing nothing like nothing is home so to speak.

Oh and I'm glad I'm down south again because honestly I don't like the cold at all lol.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I used to be a school administrator and often saw this behavior in boys, so it isn't all that uncommon.

We used to always recommend a psychologist evaluation when we had these issues. You can talk to the school about having the school counselor do it or someone at the IU. Some of our students had ADD issues and often didn't "think" before they "acted." They needed meds and very strict rules.

Some boys needed some counseling and just careful watching. They met with the guidance counselor once a week to discuss how they were feeling. Some boys just needed to talk to someone and needed to know they had someone on their side. Our counselor would teach these students how to deal with their anger through role play, movies, stories, etc.

Either way - get the school counselors involved and get your son evaluated.

Best of luck! Like I said, many boys go through this, but with careful supervision and the proper tests, it can be dealth with. Let us know how it goes.

Another thought is a good traditional martial arts class. See about Judo or Karate.. old school not competition style. This will help him channel his rage and give him a controlled environment to do it in. A psychiatrist may help.. but I have seen so many bullies that are just misunderstood turn around as a result of martial arts. Also maybe youth sport leagues.. anything to give him a physical outlet outside of school. Kids are cruel at that age and I am glad that your school is working with you.

As to the assault threats.. well those parents need to tell their kids to stay away and/or teach them proper self defense. Standing up to a bully tends to end things real quick. If they are verbally taunting and annoying your son.. then they are aggravating the issue unnecessarily and the blame is not your son's alone. Most children are not malicious in their actions. It is a behavioral response to stimuli. You also have documented conversations and actions in conjunction with the school to curtail this behavior. So legally there is not much ground there for them to work with... if you were sitting back and saying toughen your kid up I don't care.. it would be an whole different matter.

Personally, if a child was bullying my son.. as three did jump him and proceed to give him a beat down on the play ground at age 4.. well they are now in for a rude awakening.. because we have trained him to grapple. He is 5 now just shy of 4 feet and 54 pounds. And he knows the rules.. he can only respond if physically threatened. No kicking, biting, punching, or spitting on another person unless he is cornered and in fear of his safety. And in said incidents he must use minimal force to disengage and flee. Like your son my son is quite large for his age. He has severe sleep apnea.. which had stunted his growth and caused severe aggression and hyperactive behavior issues. Now that he has been treated and recovered his stunted growth, in a five inch growth spurt, he protects the weaker kids and does his best not to get in any fights. I about choked when we got called to the office for him socking three older boys in the face on day 2 at his new top of the line private school. He was pressured to defend himself.. but now.. they are all good friends. And he has not had anymore fighting incidents.

How is your son's sleep? Does he still have his tonsils and adenoids? Does he snore? Poor and insufficient sleep can cause impulse control issues, ADHD/ADD behavior, mood swings, fatigue, poor concentration, and over all intolerance of those outside ones ability to control. 2 out of 100 children have sleep apnea and only 1 out of 5000 may get treated for it. Most pediatricians do not have the experience to identify it.. ot think kids can not get it.

Have you been to observe your son at PE and recess interacting with the others? Some things that I would be trying to do is isolate the troubled pairs and see if there could be targeted counselor sit downs between them. The only thing that I would fear is that too much parental and teacher interference will ostracize your son making him more an outsider.

Since he is sitting out of PE and recess... Is there a way he can work with younger children? Maybe as a PE aide to kids that are below his age? This sort of responsibility and the awe he would get from the younger kids actually playing with a big kid could be helpful as well. It would also give him points for being a good guy.

Keep working on it you are doing great.. try and keep things positive and work on things constructively. I had rage issues as a child due to sibling abuse. My brother literally beat the crud out of me. I started taking martial arts and went a bit power mad for a time.. because i didn't have to take the abuse anymore.. I could dish it back out. My Sensei caught the signs early and helped me with mental martial arts in addition to the physical martial arts. I was 12. The "game" that he had me play and you might be able to try.. since your son sounds exceptionally bright is.. intelligent quips and insults. Get him to use words in return to the others insults. If they attack his height and size. Teach him to smile and talk about how good it is too be tall and how he would hate to be short because... Also have him wish that they grow to an adequate size soon so that they could understand how great being tall is!

If these kids are taunting him to react and get in trouble out of jealousy for his grades or size differences.. etc.. then teach him that the ultimate insult is to show someone they are not worth the effort to respond to. There is nothing more deflating than responding to someone's insult by telling that someone.. "Thank-you! I haven't received such a glowing compliment all day. You must have thought long and hard to come up with just the right thing to say. I will wait for you to compliment me again in a day or two when you have thought of something new." then waking away.

I am vertically challenged and like it most of the time.. it makes judo and aikido perfect for me. But tall people have their advantages as well. Help him be proud of himself and see that the others are just jealous of his differences and that he should be accepting of this and pity their narrow mindedness. Good points? At least he doesn't have to use a stool every where he goes. He doesn't have to slow down and wave at automatic doors to e recognized and have them open. When I go out to eat.. my feet still do not rest on the floor. Basketball was not for me.. but I tore up the soccer field and track. When my son is a first grader I will probably have to stand on a stool to lecture him. Your son has a bright future.. you just need to get his blinders off so he can get the full picture.

Good luck. I know it is hard. Keep working on it.
Sincerely,
MG

Wow that was a very long post but a good read so thanks. Most of the kids at this new school have never seen me so I ended up showing up to speak with the school this morning. I was able to watch the kids during recess and was shocked at what I saw. As my son was inside I saw two kids messing around with the next biggest kid. They would pull his shirt, take his things away and hide them etc. I ended up asking the teachers if those two kids were the kids my son had trouble with and to my shock they said yes. So clearly these kids are allowed to start trouble without the teachers stopping it. I talked with my son for the last ten minutes of recess to find out what these kids did to him to set him off.

It seems my son only did what was done to him so I believe the focus now lies on dealing with these other kids. My son is very smart but he is a couple of years behind these other kids on an emotional level because of his past events so its very hard for him to not try and stop this stuff. He is a very sweet boy who never wants to start trouble but I can understand how he could lose control over these kids because honestly I was watching them and I wanted to slap them over their behinds a few times.

I've made my concerns aware to the school now and they will be sending both of these kids to talk with the counselors. My son will also have a 15 minute session each day as I feel it would help him express his fears and concerns in general because I know he has many he just won't tell me. He has had a very hard childhood but he is a trooper and quite well adjusted considering everything.

Its funny just how simple something is to solve and I'm still upset that the school didn't even notice this sooner. I'm considering looking for another school because I don't feel this school is on the ball nor on the same page as I am. I don't feel I'm getting my money's worth at this school at all so I'm not happy now that is for sure.

Thanks again for your help and I will be looking into some martial arts programs but I'll make sure I research and find one that is more about teaching self control instead of fighting. The school I attended when I was a kid is now gone so I have quite a bit of looking ahead of me.

Hey Mark, I remember you from last year. Didn't you move to New Hampshire or Mass.? I also wondered how you were doing raising Chris. It does sound like you are having some trouble but given things in the past, I think you will be alright. I don't know too much about bullying. But 10 years old is a rough age when new things begin. Keep on top of him all the time. Keep track of his friends and encourage him to talk with you. Sometimes kids just don';t know how to react to some things, so they will act out. It sounds like you are on the right track with him and I admire your courage and strength.
Glad you are back with us, (even if you don't remember me ;) and God bless you and Chris. Linda

Marital Arts would be a great idea. It creates confidence, patience, and he will learn a lot. My husband does it and when my daughter turns 3, she will begin taking karate too.

Kids are very cruel these days and having confidence helps a lot with dealing with it. The reasons these kids tease or act out varies, maybe they are jealous, there parents are not home, etc. I wish you and your boy the best.

Marital Arts would be a great idea. It creates confidence, patience, and he will learn a lot.

This is what I was going to suggest. If martial arts doesn't really interest him then you could always try signing him up for another organized sport that does interest him.

I don't know your story, but I do know that childhood issues do have a way with sticking with us long after they are over. Add to that the fact that he has hit puberty and the other boys are still boys and that really makes him feel different, you know? I think it's great you have him talking with the school counselor as that can only help. I also commend you for helping to find the route of your son's troubles at school. Helping him to find an interest will only help to gain his confidence and make him feel better about himself.

These years really are the toughest. It sounds like you are doing a great job with him. I hope you always continue to have a great relationship with him. :angel:

Now that Chris is sleeping I can now say thanks for all your support. Yes Linda I didn't forget you and I'm amazed you remembered me. We did move to New Hampshire from Florida but I kept getting very sick from the cold so I had to move back. I was in the hospital four times last December alone and I'm glad I moved because this winter so far is really bad compared to last years. Once last winter was over I sure wasn't missing the next 6+ months of summer though lol.:D

I talked with Chris during dinner and he seems very interested in martial arts. He did ask me if he had to fight other kids because he didn't want to join. I told him he would need to fight but only to defend and not attack and he was more interested. I was shocked he asked that question because I think he feels very bad hitting other people so I know his heart will be in the right place now.

Beyond this specific school issue Chris is doing very well considering all that has gone on in his short life. He is happy and getting straight A's in all classes so I'm happy about that. The last school year he was so far behind the rest of his class that the teachers have been amazed at how far along he is right now being past grade level at the present. His only issue is that on an emotional level he is much closer to seven years old compared to his current age. This isn't good for him when he plays with kids who live near us who are 13-14 years old. He looks like he is 14 years old so its very hard when he acts like a seven year old while looking like a teenager.

He is getting much better though because a year before that he was very closed off and was very unstable with his emotions. Lets just say I'm just so very proud of him right now because he has come such a long ways in such a short period of time. Last fathers day though set him back quite a few months because man he just completely lost all control and regressed so badly I had to admit him into a hospital for two weeks.

Either way I expect I'll be here helping others quite a bit more but as some of you know by now you cannot help others until your stable and helping yourself.;)

Thanks again Linda for your past help and thanks to all of you for your current help and I look forward to paying the favor.

Mark I'm glad you remembered me too:D. You are such an inspiration and a very
man with much courage. O'm so glad you and Chris are doing well. With a dad like you, he will turn out just fine. Post again and keep us updated. We DO care. Love Linda

You inferred he seemed reluctant to fight or spar with another. As a martial arts instructor I would recommend a non punching and kicking art then. Judo. My association has groups for Aikido and Judo in FL.. but they are not in Clearwater. There is a recognized Judo Hapkido school in Clearwater though.

Hapkido and Judo under Sensei - Charles Melges

You are always welcome to go and watch classes before joining. You can also ask about there competition policies as well. Judo is grappling and fun when donw right.. dynamic throws and falls.. which require the utmost control and care. I love to be tossed across the room. It is like flying and get addictive. Karate and Kung fu are other great martial arts.. but they will involve sparring. I DO not recommend sport Tai Kwon Do. Only traditional style TKD.

Sincerely,
MG

Thanks for the advice regarding the martial arts because after reading your post I didn't know how many different types of martial arts existed. Also I'm glad my old boss kept his word when he said if I ever came back I would have a job waiting. It ends up I had a promotion waiting for me so I'm very happy right now. I'll be starting work on Monday so I'm going to be resting all weekend.

The only major problem Chris still has is night terrors but none of the meds help and I'm at a loss for how to go about stopping them. Some of his night terrors really scare the daylights out of me so I'm really praying they will stop.