Hello everyone,

Well, the holidays are upon us (again). And this time of year I tend to sink a little into a depressive state. I'm not sure why, though there have been years when I had reasons to feel down. These days I am blessed with a nice life and yet, I still feel a sort of emptiness I cannot explain totally. Sure my mind will search for cause and affect, and when I find a cause, I blame it on that. But right here in the now, I have only 2 reasons I think, I feel the way that I do...

First off, I feel like my age has suddenly caught up with me. A few months ago I realized that I was 37 and it hit me like a Mack Truck. It made me look at what I had accomplished in life so far and what I hadn't. The first thing that has eluded me has been a career. I always felt, even when depressed, that deep inside I had a calling. Something I could offer to the world that meant something, only now I don't have a clue or direction of what that is. It scares me to think that I will live the rest of my life unfulfilled in that area. That I will someday move on, having left no positive impact worthy of mention. I'm trying to go back to work after a 5 year break to raise my kids. I was ignorant enough to think once I started applying and sending out resumes, the offers would role in, only that hasn't happened and I feel so darn incompetent right now.

The second issue I am dealing with (which really belongs on another board) is finding love in my life. I am married to a great guy who has given me more then I ever deserved yet, I still struggle to love him. The one true love of my life, is married to someone else and well, there isn't really anything I can do about that, I have to let it go.

I find that fulfillment and love are vital to a persons happiness and I worry that both will elude me for the rest of my life. I've been contemplating going back for a Masters Degree only that's 2 more years of study and no income. And as for love, I pondered divorce for a while, but it's so selfish and unfair to my husband who truly loves me completely. And who is to say that if I divorce, I will find love? The real love of my life is already spoken for, and the idea of dating is just to scary to me at my age.

Anyway, I've tried to keep busy with shopping and decorating the house to look like a winter wonderland, but it's all a big show, cause inside I feel empty. I've tried to focus my energy on positive thoughts. Reminding myself that things happen in God's time only, I'm not always a patient person. Right about now, I feel anxious and sad and it's not a very good feeling.

Any ideas on how to get around this?

simplyj

I honestly know people who are 55, and still don't know what they "want to be when they grow up."

You must know that your biggest impact, is on your children. That is a huge vocation, which some people don't take nearly seriously enough. They are your "legacy" to the world....teach them well, they will be deciding what happens to us when we get older.

I have always wanted to be a Doctor...I have "limitations" including age....when my therapist broke it to me that it was "unrealistic" I got angry...for about 30 seconds. He is right.

Re-entering the workforce.....unless you are in an up and coming area (namely Healthcare, these days) you are not alone. Competition has become fierce these days.

As for love in your life, only you can decide what's best. I can only warn you that the grass isn't always as green as it looks on the other side. If your heart is "taken" why do you think you would find love, other than with the "chosen" love, if you left your husband?

Just curious....

Lil

Thanks Pri Lily,
I know that being a good mom is the most important role I will ever have. I do my best to live up to the blessings that God put in my charge, my 2 kids. But I also want to be a role model to them. I want them to see their mom actually be something other then the one that picks them up from school and makes dinner. I never saw myself as a homemaker forever. It's an honorable thing, just not something that could make me happy for the rest of my life. Eventually they grow up and out, and I want them to know that mom will be ok.

As for the "love" issue. I know that discussion is better left for the relationship board and I have been told to beware of the "grass isn't always greener" possiblity. It's just these 2 issues are weighing heavily these days and not sure how to get out of the loop.

Thanks for the reply,

Simplyj

Hey SimplyJ, I think we all want what we can't have or that the grass is greener on the other side. I've been a working Mom from the beginning - it was not a choice, if was a fact of life for me. I was always jealous of the stay at home Moms. I did raise two incredible daughters, put them both through a 4 yr college (with the help of scholarships they both earned) and they are both starting great careers. My issue is I'm so sick of working I could cry. I've been in the same field of work for over 25 yrs and with the same company for 16 yrs. I get no satisfaction from my "career" anymore and see nothing but 20+ years more of work before I can retire with full SS benefits. I feel like I might be dead before I retire and never know the freedom of what it is like to not have to get up and go to work everyday except for vacation. I carry the health insurance for myself and husband, who has heart disease, so a job change is just not in the future for me. So... I feel an emptiness for the opposite reasons than you do. I've been with my husband for over 30 yrs. The passion is long gone but we have a good relationship and he is my best friend.
I hope you feel better soon, and count your blessings.
JB

Hey SimplyJ! I thought since you've been so kind and generous with your words on my thread I should return the favor :)

I don't know the whole back story with your ex and your current husband, but just based on what I read in your post, I have to ask...

Who is to say that the love of your life isn't the man to whom you're married?
Meaning, is it possible that your ex is the reason you can't fully bring yourself to love your current husband?

This is all just my take on the situation, purely objective and uninformed, but...
It seems to me that if he were the true love of your life, you would be with him. It also seems that the man you see as the true love of your life is a ghost, he no longer exists, and you are still in love with someone who is no longer there. And that is preventing you from seeing the man you are with as the true love of your life.

I learned this principle from my therapist years ago - my wife and I were separated because we had both had affairs, but while I had ended mine and was committing to change, she was continuing hers in the open while still keeping a hopeful thread open with me, in a very abusive and toxic way.

I told him "but she's the love of my life, I don't understand why we can't work it out" - to which he said "does your ideal wife cheat on you? Does she go stay with her new BF one night and then call you the next asking what YOU'RE doing? Does she blame you for everything without admitting what she has done to you?"
Of course the answer was "no."
And the logical next conclusion was "then you are in love with a phantom. That woman no longer exists, and you are pretending she is still alive and basing your real-life actions on this fantasy."

Now, your situation with your ex may not have been as toxic and abusive as mine was - but even if it wasn't - the logic holds true.

The reality is that the man you are in love with really doesn't exist anymore. He is married to someone else, and lives far away, and you have little contact with him.

It seems that perhaps if you could let go of the "fantasy" that this other guy is the man of your dreams, some clouds will lift and you may see things in your current husband that you hadn't seen before, and in no time at all, you may wonder why you held on to your ex for so long.

Sorry for the blunt language, I'm not good at soft-selling my thoughts and ideas, please take no offense :) :)


P.S. - I do admit that part of why I believe this is related to my own situation - my girl is the love of my life and I have no choice but to believe we can work it out as a result. If we don't, I hope I can quickly and reasonably put aside what turned out to be the fantasy that she was the ONE for me, because obviously she won't have been if we separate.
I look back at my ex-wife now and realize she was definitely NOT the one for me. The ONE for me is the one I am with, who loves me implicitly...and if that person changes someday, so be it.

P.S.S. - 37 is not too old to start over - my girl and I have known each other for 3 years but just started as a couple April 2007, when I was 38 and she was 30 (I'm now 39). And I suppose it's remotely possible I'll hit 40 this year and have to start over, and that will be fine. It's never too late!!

Hi.....

That's some handle that you have there....

Just wanted to let you know, that I got some insight from your post.

I have a "kind of" boyfriend that I've been trying to work things out with for 6 years....I dated him the first time at 16.

I may be in love with a "fantasy".

And it makes me very depressed, and I'm going to go seek help for it right away:D ;)

Lil

Hi.....

That's some handle that you have there....

Just wanted to let you know, that I got some insight from your post.

I have a "kind of" boyfriend that I've been trying to work things out with for 6 years....I dated him the first time at 16.

I may be in love with a "fantasy".

And it makes me very depressed, and I'm going to go seek help for it right away:D ;)

Lil

It's Scots Gaelic for "royal is my blood" - the motto of Clan MacGregor.
:)

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma, hopefully you can find peace in the reality of the situation, whatever that may be :)