hi,well i met a freind in class, he has a disability mentally also. i think though its more an attention disorder and anxiety or something. we are very simiar in that in class we phase out, are both behind and on several extensions and struggling to keep our heads above water. it is funny i have never met a person who when i describe how i feel and think they can say yes i have the same thing, we spend our time going'yes me too!!!' we both shy away in class and make seemingly stupid mistakes, are very disorganised and evereything is usually in chaos or several tracks behind everyone else.its funny because we both do things that in other company we' die off with mbarressment and get flustered wereas we boh just understand eachother and why it happened so we jut laugh and carry on, its just not a big deal fo once.

he is not in contact with a doc which makes me think he isnt depressed but i cant tell yet as we havent had time to sit and talk enough. he does get help from disability and extensions and other room requirements in exams like me. he also has he same problems at work and daily life such as forgetting things and bgin bad at work and jobs.when speak he seems very 'floaty' as i call it, words can be unconnected or mean the wrong things, he seems shy but like me has a sense of humour and a personaility but just cant get it across well, things are hazy and unconnected at times and socially it can be hard if you begin to feel overwhelmed, but like me he has a group of freinds and if he is comfortable then i isnt a problem and he is relaxed.

thing is, he asked me to go for a drink later this week i said yes. im nervous because of my past issues, how i am right now and my general unpredicatability in moods. im afraid of what he wants now too and am already closing up shop but logic is sort of keeping me befreinding him, i want to be nice and support him, we share the same problems and for once someone else gets i, im just unsure and shy. i worry it bad for me, finding someone with the same problems. he does tell me somtimes he drinks in the day time not at night, he doesnt like going out at night as theres too many people and all. so he socialises during the day instead. in my mind i blow this into-'what are you doing, he is obviously a raging alchoholic with massive problems ,you dont need an extra helping of problems, hes unpredicatble and may do something very bad -back away slowly and then run as fast as you can!!' but i dont want to b held back still, its just hard to trust properly and not blow things up and think the worst.

it came at a good time this little freind. i have been feeling especially stupid due to UNI problems, im an idiot in work and just the other day i put my cash card nto the machine to lift a tenner, i took my card out and walked off in a trance without the cash. i went to a shop then to buy a cereal bar, was out of it then and couldnt remember were my cash had gone, i then realised id left it there, got extremly anxious and almost started crying in the shop, i ran out back to the machine and it was gone, i checked my pocket and then found the cereal bar id picked up in the shop but hadnt paid for in my pocket. thing is i cant keep track and i hardly remember dong things. yetserday morning i lifted my freinds post and went to leave it in his room i went off in a little world and lost it for a while, couldnt remember were id set it yet it was 5 minutes ago, it was just blank when i tried remembering. its pretty bad and i end up in stupid messes having to explain.

next week is my last week with my counsellor :( neither of my referal letters are through, my doc isnt interested and its christmas which i decided i dont like anymore, i have 4 essay due in 4 weeks, my exams the same day, im working 22 hrs in work and im exhausted and harming and smoking more than ever :(

im trying but i can never move. do you think meeting this guy is a good or bad dangerous idea??

xx

Hi Pucca, sorry that I haven't responded to any of your posts lately. I have been really busy. It sounds nice that you found a friend who you can relate too. Of course you should be cautious too. It's helpful to listen to your gut and act to protect yourself if you need to. Consider not doing anything that you are uncomfortable with. Keep us posted.

Hi Pucca....
How are you? I am glad to read your post in that you have found a new friend to talk with. I think this is a good thing for you right now....it's just a friendship, so no pressure okay? Just enjoy getting to know someone new, someone you can relate to.
I'm sure you are nervous as this is your last week with your counsellor....so keep us posted how things are going okay?
Carsam

hi guys. well i met with him anyway. he is nice im just not sure. i know he has problems, i also have another freind who had the same problems when she was in her early teens as he did but she isnt quite the same as him. we talked for a while. it turns out years ago he did a lot of drugs and it turned his brain to mush for a while, apparently then he couldnt even construct a sentence. he is fine now its just he is shy and quite nervous in large groups.

we talked about lots of stuff, i found there was never an awkward silence and if there was silence it wasnt awkward really. we have a lot in common, somehow we got talking aboput 'being seen as aggressive', he seemed a lot like me in that really he does not want to cause harm to people, in fact he seems very gentle but he loses it at times but regrets it later. he told me about the time he was locked out and got angry after a bad day and kciked a window in, after he felt bad obviously. it reminds me of me a bit, i have never kicked a window in but i know exactly what he is talking about after a crap day, coming home and feeling alone and something else just puts the icing on the cake for that day and you lose it at your family or anything really, my personal favourate used to be my poor dog. i think of when ive been called aggressive, by my parents for losing it and maybe lashing out, screaming hystercially at them, slamming and throwing the odd thing and then that time i broke the bathroom door down. or my doctor who batffled me even more as neither times i ment to be aggressive i think im just confusing people. but actually after i do feel bad and i wish i had more control, it doesnt fit who i am or how i am with people 90% of the time. im not an overly aggressive person despite that often i come off like that.

he has a lot of the same problems with getting up on time, doing anything and stuff. i think maybe he has a mental illness from what he has described, he said he was on disability for several things and his mother he says is neurotic or something(dont know if he is describing her or its personaility disorder).

i got a bit freaked out by all this info and was worried because it means he would be unpredictable, but he seems to speak whatever his thoughts are naturally even if he wants to hold back and really he hasnt said anything alarming yet that makes me feel like he is dangerous. in fact we were talking about what we would like to be and he said he used to want to be a nurse and help people but thought itd be too overwhelming and hard to watch people suffering. then he said about social work too. i was glad because he said this before i mentioned it so i knew he wasnt just agreeing with me. i said id looked into counselling a while ago and if things improve id want to do something in the line of helping people. he got quite excited and thought itd be a good idea and he'd love to do it but worries if he'd be cut out for it-as in if your not totally right in the head do they let you near people. i worry about that too, that ill never get better to do something. right now my course is unfulfilling and i dont know what ill do after. i told my mum the other day im going back again to study after this course, didnt tell her what as last time i mentioned it she thought counselling or anything was a crap job and also my dad hates 'arty farty rubbish' as he called it. but i think really i cant get anywhere if i dont do something i want to do. if i even manage this course im on at the minute though. i have a feeling i will have to leave or something and re evaluate what in the hell i am doing. my parents are going to be livid.:(

i seen my doc yesterday. had a strange strange turn. i was more prepared for her sorta being like'oh here we go again'sigh', try harder etc etc'. but instead she was really helpful yesterday. i did the thing were i just say what its like in a few words plain and simple i wasnt going to start whinging so i just answered her questions and that was that. then we talked about uni and stuff and then came the part were she brought up about my counsellor calling her. i totally forgot to be prepared for that. but she was good about it, i thought shed start accusing me of pressuring her or something and decide i set the counsellor up to call her or something. but no she just explained what they talked about, that she had been good and that since i wont have anyone that she is there and i can come evety week if i want to talk, she isnt a counsellor but will try her best she said and that i can write if it all helps make it easier. so that was good. it doesnt even make me want to live in the surgury either, for some reason it makes me feel a bit stronger because i know i have her to talk to and so i have room to push it harder now because if i fall ill have someone to talk to, i can try to stay away for as long as i can and not be so dependent because i feel better knowing im not totally alone even when im not speaking to her. its funny how that works backwards, you would think being in need right now that she said that to me id be attatched to her ankles but really i was calm and just thankful and feel like now i have more strength because i have someones support, so in having that support i dont actually need to be as deopendent-if that makes sense.

my refferal is a bit lost also and she needs to call up and ask were it is. im callin today to see what she says. then also apparently me blood is now fine :) im happy about that its one less thing to be annoyed about and start darting to hospitals about. my counsellor also contacted a group place and theyre sending me a letter also.

i see a uni advisor later,. buit worried things are not going well :(

xx

You sound good Pucca! Maybe your new friend is helping you feel a bit better?