I find myself being pulled toward the black hole again. I know why this time and I have done it to myself.

I find that after all the years of therapy, after quitting drinking, after loads of self help books and introspection I still make bad choices which I believe are driven by childhood neglect.

I came out of a 2 year depression and within 4 months hooked up with a man who is committed to and living with someone else (please no comments on the morality of this). I tell myself I started this affair because I got my sex drive back and I have always been attracted to this guy, etc. etc.

But, I stayed with him about 4 months knowing that there was no future. Why do I do this to myself? I just didn't care about the consequences. I knew it would end when the pain got too bad.

I just ended it with him about 3 hours ago. I found myself crying often, not wanting to do anything, you know, typical depressive behavior. I was driving myself crazy knowing I want to be with him yet knowing that being with him was killing me.

I don't think I care enough about myself to take "good care" of myself. In fact, I don't even want to take care of myself. I have been taking care of myself my whole life. I don't want that burden anymore. Why won't someone take care of me. Please excuse the temper tantrum.

But really, I know if I don't take care of me I will end up miserable, just like I am right now. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole into the darkness.
I know I won't figure things out within the next 1-2 days so I am going to be patient with myself and try to love and honor and take care of myself. That takes a lot of work.

I don't want to be alone with myself. Men are distractions. What am I so afraid of?

Just wanted to vent. Any comments are welcome and appreciated.

Treelover.

Hi Treelover!!!
Havent seen you in awhile!!!!

Treelover, you have to give yourself a break here......although it probably was not a good idea to get involved with someone who was already committed to someone else....your doing that was just a human reaction, of wanting to share your life with someone. I think you do care enough about yourself, and you are showing that by ending the relationship, because you know I think that you deserve better, someone who is committed to "you".

You say "why doesnt someone take care of me?"......but you also said your bad choices are driven by "childhood neglect".....I would think then if you werent cared for when you were young, then you are still looking for that as an adult?

Hugs to you, I know no matter what the circumstances, breakups are always hard on the heart......

Carsam :angel:

Treelover....

I have BPD....borderline personality.

One of the main features (especially for women) is not wanting to be alone. We don't feel "whole" unless there is a man in my life.

After many years of depression, and suicide attempts, I am living alone, and enjoying it. I have 4 cats....yes I am a cat lady, but they adore me, and hang on my every word. Something no man has ever done.

I also have many men friends, who I keep in contact with regularly. Borderline women prefer men over women...

I don't have intimate contact, really....but I have learned that I don't have to have a man to be complete. I only need me to be complete.

My life has never been normal, and now is no exception. I may never have a "normal" relationship with a man.....I just don't think it's in the cards for me.

Please realize that being alone isn't necessarily a "bad" thing. It can be very empowering......

Lil

I still make bad choices which I believe are driven by childhood neglect.

I don't want to be alone with myself. Men are distractions. What am I so afraid of?


Hi Treelover! You can figure this out you know..... Keep us posted.

Sannah - you are so funny!!!:) Yes I know what is wrong with me, I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be like that and it sucks because the only way to not be like that is to be like that (got that!).

I want it to be easy.

Part of me can visualize myself in a "normal" relationship -- then what happens? Will I get bored after 6 months and fall into a depression, will I do this? will he do that? blah blah blah -- it's almost as if I see that being in a relationship is the end of something and not the beginning of a life together. Ugh - a life together - what the heck is that? Is that what I really want? I don't know what I want. That is my mantra for now. I don't know!

Will keep you posted.

Treelover.

I want it to be easy.

Part of me can visualize myself in a "normal" relationship -- then what happens?

the beginning of a life together. Ugh - a life together - what the heck is that? Is that what I really want? I don't know what I want.


Treelover, fear of the unknown? Fear of intimacy?

Treelover, sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad.

Well, I seem to have that same personality trait - you said it perfectly - something I don't like to admit (have to have a man in my life to feel whole). I have been married 13 years (most of it happy - quit drinking 8 years ago). This last year I found myself attracted to an accuaintance. I never acted on it other than just talk (small talk even). But I was so stupid to confess my attraction to my husband. Now when I see the guy, I brush him off. Now my husband is constantly wondering if there was more, which there wasn't. This has made me feel insecure in myself, and this marriage. It has left me depressed and lonely - wondering who the hell I am really. I have 2 kids with my husband, and we love eachother. But this attraction which came on without warning....wow, it has left me the most insecure person ever. I hate myself right now - don't want to take care of myself - not in the mood for anything - crying all the time.
I completely prefer men over women - to talk to, to do things with. I don't know why - don't know if I'm borderline, but I have not been without a man in my life EVER. From age 14 to 18 - same boyfriend. From 19 to now - my husband. The year between 18 and 19, I had numerous "boyfriends". I wish I had given myself time to be me - with no man.
I'm right there with ya - fear of unknown and intimacy - although I try to open up I just can't seem to. I've been married, have two kids 9 and 5 and I still fear the unknown and the future like crazy. I don't know what I stand for, who I am, or what I'm on this planet for. Each day it gets worse - wish I could just turn off the thinker up in my head and be happy with the gifts right in front of me.

Good luck to you.

Carsam,

Thank you for your kind words -- I thank all the posters for their words and honesty.

My basic fear -- sooner or later I will do the wrong thing, or one too many wrong things and they will leave. I have had this fear my whole life and it runs through every relationship I ever had - men and women. I'm sure this comes from my dad leaving when I was five years old. No one ever told me he wasn't coming back. I never got over that he never came back.

My first thought is that once they get to know me and all my imperfections, I won't be good enough for them and they will leave. That's my first thought and it will probably always be my first thought. But I can have a second thought -- I just have to think of a good second thought.

I keep thinking I have to go back to who I was before -- before I went out with this guy, but then I realized I have to go forward, because I am not the same person I was 4 months ago.

When I keep moving forward and not keep looking back (because I know what is back there) I feel hope. Without hope I am lost and in darkness. There is a thin ray of hope that maybe things can be different -- who knows?

Treelover.

My basic fear -- sooner or later I will do the wrong thing, or one too many wrong things and they will leave.

I'm sure this comes from my dad leaving when I was five years old. No one ever told me he wasn't coming back. I never got over that he never came back.

My first thought is that once they get to know me and all my imperfections, I won't be good enough for them and they will leave.

Hi Treelover, this sounds like fear of abandonment then? I had fear of the unknown and fear of intimacy but I don't know much about fear of abandonment. I would think that it would lead to fear of intimacy.

You know, your dad didn't leave because of you. He left for his own reasons which were bigger than you. All children think that things happen because of them, that they weren't good enough, etc. I am sure that your dad had a lot of his own problems that he had well before you arrived.

This has made me feel insecure in myself, and this marriage. It has left me depressed and lonely - wondering who the hell I am really. I have 2 kids with my husband, and we love eachother. But this attraction which came on without warning....wow, it has left me the most insecure person ever. I hate myself right now - don't want to take care of myself - not in the mood for anything - crying all the time.

I completely prefer men over women - to talk to, to do things with. I don't know why -

I'm right there with ya - fear of unknown and intimacy - although I try to open up I just can't seem to. I've been married, have two kids 9 and 5 and I still fear the unknown and the future like crazy.


Hi Lost, interesting how that one thing with that man had such repercussions? Do you hate yourself because it happened?

I also preferred men to women, though I had no trouble being alone. I realized that I didn't trust women because of my bad relationship with my mother. I learned that I couldn't trust women. I had a good relationship with my dad.

My fear of the unknown I believe, came from never experiencing security growing up. If you never experience security this leads to insecurity. I think that insecurity leads to fear because you don't feel good with what you know. What you don't know must feel worse. Good news, you can feel secureif you work on it.