I didn't know what or how to start this thread. I have been posting a lot on other peoples threads and realized I should start my own.
Things have been ok. I am going to seven. My doc wants to two weeks for each taper. The one thing I am afraid of is that he will be away during christmas and won't be back until the day after New Year's. That means he will be giving me a weeks worth. I wonder what that will bring. I haven't used more or less during this taper. I can't stand the thought of worse withdrawals. What worries me is that I won't be able to get a hold of him during that time. I do have a therapist who will also be out of the office christmas week. Tomorrow will be last time I see her until the monday after christmas unless that is New Year's eve. OH man, I think it is.
Well Please guys stay here with me. As you know I tend to panic, especially in mornings. Christmas eve is being held at my house this year. I think I will be more relaxed since I won't be doing any driving. My mom and her husband are even doing the cooking. That's great. I will be making cornbread. How easy is that?
I don't have much to complain about. One thing I've been dealing with is past issues. The haunting of my past keeps cropping up in therapy. The reasons why I want to take pills. To hide, to keep myself from making my own decisions. Growing up making my own decisions could have made or breaked me. So now that I'm grown up I still carry the nightmares of a child. I don't understand how I could "know one thing" but feel totally different. I know noone will hurt me, but I guess I still feel like it could happen. So whenever I feel frustrated, threatened the first thing that pops into my mind is where are the pills. I have come to recognize this and try breathing first.
It's definately not easy. I wonder if I'll ever get passed this. I keep starting to gain a little understanding then BAM there is a reason to push away. It sure is aggravating. Plus I don't know which part is which. The withdrawal part or me, the person who is trying come back to life.
Am I making any sense? As for this board. It's a life line for me in the morning. Just reading posts keeps me from a full fledged panic.
I am really going to miss Tat. If your reading this, I feel like I'm losing a good friend. I trust that you will come back as soon as you can.
I am really sad and I'm not sure why. I didn't mean to get sad posting this, it just happened. I am starting to cry. What is wrong with me? I must be crazy, no, I'm just sad. All or nothing, balance, patience will it come soon? Well I'm gonna stop now. Please someone reply. Sometimes I feel as if I offend people and turn them away. If I do please let me know, I won't leave the board, I'll just try to change.
I don't know what I'm saying now so it's time to stop.
bye for now,
Mary Pat

Morning Mary Pat

Yep, mornings are definitely not the best time of day for you. Smiles.

Honey.. the amount of pills... simply ask Doctor to give you nine days worth instead of seven and explain why. It is very reasonable and I am sure he will think so, also.

The growth is coming in finding balance. Remebering to breath when the need is reecognized... goodness! Recognizing that is a big step, not a baby one. Good for you.

[CENTER][Plus I don't know which part is which. The withdrawal part or me, the person who is trying come back to life.
/CENTER]

I don't think it matters which part is which. It happens simutaneously... as we stretch for recovery, we really are stretching for our 'true and real' self to become dominant again. I think it is too overwhelming to try and analyze it all too much. Keep the focus on that fact that recovery is going to bring you a whole lot of understanding about who you are, why you are who you are. As the understanding slowly comes, it all just falls into place. melds into Mary Pat, grown up woman, capable and strong. Push through the ordinary everyday stuff and extraordinary clarity starts to come into focus. Stay grounded with the everyday stuff and let the rest happen as it may. It will happen. I know you are anxious for it all to come together. Know that it will. You are doing a wonderful job on work that is very hard. Learning who we are, coming into our full potential is hard work! It makes us emotional for sure, doesn't it? That is okay. To feel is to be alive, really alive.

It is so good that you have guidance with your therapist in dealing with whatever lies inside of you. As we deal with the past issues of our lives one by one, we can put them to rest one by one. Can't change them, but we can change the impact they have on us in the here and now. Eventually, the time will come when we can deal in the present and we have a lot more control over our present!

Mary Pat. You know what? Adressing you as Mary Pat somehow presents a much more mature woman in my mind's image of you. Smiles. I like your name.

Hugs
reach

MP --I have not posted much lately, but I have lurked every day. YOU ARE DOING SOOO GREAT. Think of all the accomplishment you have had over the last few weeks. It has been a honor watching it all unfold. SO many before you would have crumbled to the pressure or done the wrong thing. Dont worry about the thing you cant control. That is my motto. Think of the good things this season. You are attacking and controlling your addiction from the front and face first. Write down all the good things in your life right now and you will be surprised how long the list is. This will help with the anxiety. CORNBREAD!! I bet you could do it blindfolded. My parents are coming also and I am actually excited to see them. She will do the cooking also, GREAT! Thinking of you.

O

Oh I'm so happy I posted. Reach, I truly love to hear from you. I think of it as an honor. As I do when every one of you replies to me. Medguy you too. I know I've been tracking along the right path. I have to look back in amazement at how far I've come. I think this is the farthest I have come in my attempts. I don't know why but that depression when I had the fentanyl patch on really truly scared me. I had no idea how much I was taking and that even with the amount of norco I was on I would still have withdrawals. This board, my doctors and me have helped me to realize that I too deserve to have a life that is better than the one I was living.
As for the patience and unfolding part. I know that it will come. I trust everyone of you who has been here and is and feels alive. That is what I truly am being patient for. I try to think of it like a child who is trying to learn how to walk. How many times do they fall down? If every child quit trying to walk, no one would be walking. So I will wait, try and breathe. Somewhere along this time I learned to belly breathe. I find it amazing how much my body relaxes when I breathe correctly. Go figure. Well yes I get caught up in my moments of panic in the morning. I must admit they are no where as bad as when I first started posting. They don't even last that long. It is just those few minutes where I get myself so flustered, that so many jillions of thoughts run through my mind. I hear the sound of my computer turning on and I instantly calm down. So this is my morning ritual.
As for my screen name, I would change it, I've had it for such a long time but noone would really no who it is.
Mary Pat
Glad to hear you like my name, can you tell I'm Irish. Mary Patricia, Rhymes with shanagans

mary pat, what a beautiful name, honestly!

I read your posts all of the time. However, I'm a bit of a recluse and don't always have something to say.

You are an inspiration to a lot of people here, and seem like a very nice person.:)

mike

hi catnappy mary pat

I don't know if this is going to help. I too have similar feelings as yours, my cellular chemistry has them locked up inside of me. I am seeing so many different kinds of people, to talk it out, I am talked till I am blue in the face, reliving past horrific torture, and it is still there. Talk, talk, talk, and I feel like I am still there from 25 years ago, and yes I still get frightened,and lots of times I feel like I am 4 years old. But what has helped me more in the past year from all these groups and doctors I see, was re-connecting with my sponsor and what we talked about 3 days ago.

She asked me, "What do you beleive in, something you can count on that will never change"

I thought about hope and faith, I said them, and then my eyebrows curled a little and said no, not really because I have let them down with some binges this year

and then she said, OK, what is it that you feel really happy about when you think about it and know that will never change,

OK, now I am telling you something very personal to me that I normally wouldn't make public for fear of being laughed at, but it helped me so much, more than all the doctors, counselors and groups I have been talk a-talk-a-talk attending.

I blurted out, "sunshine and rainbows"

Well, she said, my face just beamed like a thousand lightbulbs lit on Santa's Sleigh,

then she said, 'that is my inner happiness and that I must hold onto it, come h__ _ _ or highwater. I can make it grow, because it is only about 10% of my inner pie, she told me I can make that inner glow bigger and stronger by reminding myself how thankful I am for the things that are in my life today.

I am starting over, I have a roof over my head, I have the internet, a bed and a couch, I am clean and sober today. I believe things will get better, and if you can ask yourself the questions she asked me, you can have the same inner-strength with your answers

Inner happiness and you can make it grow and make the darkness fade (the Pills) little by little by being thankful for the inner glow that you have. You can taper down like Reach suggests. I hope I don't sound too corny, I am not on a Pink Cloud, this is real,it works for me, it can work for you too. No harm in trying. No harm in disclosing.

Light casts out darkness

blessings
kadee;)

I like that sunshine and rainbows. I think for me it's sunsets and sunrises over a beatiful harbor or beach. I love that and often imagine that when I try to relax. So she said that that is your inner strength? Do you hang on to the image or what? I'm a little confused, I know you said you've been talking a lot too. talk talk talk talk. I think that is whats helping me the most. That is when I talk and let it out without the fear stopping me and turning it into some kind of battle.
I do believe in hope and faith. I do have it, I hang on to it tightly. But cannot picture what it looks like. So sunsets and sunrises. I like that. Can you give me more info, or did you already and I just didn't get it?
Mary Pat

Good morning

I hope I can be a little clearer, sometimes I can write and make wonderful sense and other times, something else. Basically, she was referring me to a pie chart. In my pie chart, I have a slice of rainbows and sunshine, the things I believe in,

You are sunset and sunrise, that is wonderful, the sunset and the sunrise is your protection.The sunrise and the sunset in in your inner circle, your inner being, your inner blueprint. They can protect you.

When your mind goes off into wander-land, lets go-get,
or what is the use of all this anyway
or, this will never change
0r-what do I try so hard when I end up back here
or these people are driving me nuttier
or I can't get these thoughts, these fears
get out of my head and reach for a pill,
and on and on with all the thousands of excuses or reasons to stay sick.

Your inner circle must be cleared of the debris in order for you to be well, In the 12 step program it is referred to sweeping your side of the street.

In my pie chart, she said, I must work on the sunshine and the rainbows, to make them shine within. I work on this by being grateful and thankful for the things in my life.

Every morning pray to your source, and say - please help me to abstain and one day I will be free of these pills,at the the end of the day, pray to your source, your sunset your sunrise, thank you for allowing me to take a less than I did the day before. And eventually all of the dark heavy baggage of pain-sacks will be gone,

And eventually you will be praying and saying thank you for this day day to come, like I am in my present today

In the morning I say please help me today
and at night I say, thank you for keeping me away from pills, alcohol destruction.

Every sunrise before your feet reach the floor,
-ask please help me today
and every sunset when your feet are all tucked in their sugar bed
-acknowledge and say thank-you.

Keep you sunset and your sunrise close to your heart, they make you feel wonderful, they make you shine. Vision them.

When I want to drink, think about taking a pill,a drug, she told me, to tell the mind NO, she said the body will listen, the mind is the engine, the body is the train. When I want to reach for destruction, simply say NO, and do something else, something physical, for me, I am planning too
- when I get the next urge
- I plan on the formula to say 'NO' and am preparing my art supplies, my writings, for when that time comes, they have been tucked in a drawer, a box, in the dark for years.

If you have a hobby that you like to do, I would suggest the same. Do you have a hobby that you have done in the past, that you have put down, can you prepare to take it out again,or something physical, cooking, exercising, yoga, swimming, knitting, sewing, cooking,
dancing in the kitchen, walk the cat, (now I'm being silly)
shopping,walk the dog, feed the fish, read, write, play with children, talking on the phone, make love, take nature walks,talk to clean friends and family, volunteer

something else..something physical, something inspiring to yourself, your inner self, so the light can shine from within,
instead of phoney-baloney pill-enduced-non-reality that only shines from the outside and wrecks your insides.

breathe in the scenery that you see
breathe in the sunshine,
breathe in the sunset
breathe out your problems, your toxins.

did this help you?
it is helping me.
understanding and trying something new

blessings
kadee

Hey yeah that did help. I really don't have any hobbies yet. Still working on those. I have found that sometimes, when I can catch it while I'm breathing I imagine blowing the thoughts away like the wind blows. I just blow them out and picture them leaving in the sky. I should try to picture the sunset a little more often and as you said, my inner source.
That makes a lot of sense to me since I have been wondering what it feels like. That inner source, the soul. Sunrises and Sunsets are beautiful to me. Oh to have that now inside of me is something I will treasure deeply. Thank you so much. that little bit of passing on what your sponsor has told you is huge. I truly am grateful, Kadee.
Mary Pat

Kadee, I totally forgot to say thank you last night as I went to sleep. This morning I did say please help me get through this day and help me not to take more than what is prescribed. I feel like I even said it again as I wrote that.
Anyhow, I don't know how I got through yesterday. It's not like I had to save the world or terrible things were happening. I did have a lot of errands to run for my boss. Tons and I get lost very easily. I found myself frustrated, the younger one had a playdate over in the morning, running errands for two hours, quick post here on the board, and doing laundry. Then I get them all home after driving another one of his friends home, and have to get them both in the bath within 1 hour. I had no clue how I was going to do it, let alone do it without taking my fair share of pills. GUESS WHAT? I DID IT ALL OF IT they were still in the bath tub when she got home but we were just finishing up. I CANNOT BELIEVE I GOT IT ALL DONE WHOOOOOOOAAAAAY. I don't think thats ever happened before either.
One thing though, I think I am scaring myself with all of this. It seems like, I don't know, it's too good to be true? Too many good things at once, or am I just noticing this for the first time instead of all the bad? Could this lead to a relapse, I don't want to relapse.

Too many good things at once, or am I just noticing this for the first time instead of all the bad?

Morning there, Capt.

The ability to notice good things is what the healing is all about!Notice them, appreciate them, and before you know it, you will be participating in them. Capt, this is all about the thinking changing. This is thinking changing! As we push ourselves to think more and more along these lines, we heal and restore!

Yes, it is scary. It was for me. I think that even though we want so badly to leave the dark place where we have existed, it is at least familiar to us. Change of any kind can be scary. My bed was my safety spot for a long time. But it was lonely in there. Dark and lonely. Like a den that I hibernated in. I wasn't happy there, but it was familiar. I was afraid of getting out of my den. I had learned to retreat there and I was afraid of leaving even though I was unhappy there. It seems so simple... like just get the hell out of there... but it was hard to do. Like I was afraid that if I ventured out, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had to push, push really hard to take baby steps out of that dark place. And little by little, as I ventured out of the dark place, my dark thoughts began to be replaced by different, happier thoughts. The fear started to dissipate. Fear. That is what kept me locked up in there. Fear of leaving my safety zone even though it didn't feel good at all there. I look back now and think, "You big dope." But the past is past. I am learning.

I let fear and hurt control my life for a long time. Well, it may have controlled me before, but I am not going to continue anymore to let it have that power over me. No more lettting things in my past control my present or future. they are over and done with issues, can't change them, but I do not have to continue to let them control me. So I creeped out of my den into the forest and on into the bright meadow. My bed is a place for sleep now. Not for brooding or hiding. I misused it just like I did the drugs. No more.


Capt, you are becoming the captain of your own ship. Keep sailing strong!

Hugs
reach

The ability to notice good things is what the healing is all about!Notice them, appreciate them, and before you know it, you will be participating in them. Capt, this is all about the thinking changing.
Yes, it is scary. It was for me. I think that even though we want so badly to leave the dark place where we have existed, it is at least familiar to us. Change of any kind can be scary. I had learned to retreat there and I was afraid of leaving even though I was unhappy there. It seems so simple... like just get the hell out of there... but it was hard to do. Like I was afraid that if I ventured out, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had to push, push really hard to take baby steps out of that dark place. Fear. That is what kept me locked up in there. Fear of leaving my safety zone even though it didn't feel good at all there. I let fear and hurt control my life for a long time. No more lettting things in my past control my present or future.
Reach, that is me to a tee. Only my dark "safe place" is the couch. And the venturing out part, are we twins or sisters? Yes it's a very unhappy place. I too do not like change of any kind. I think that has pretty much been a constant with me. I remember the beginning of each new school year wishing I could go back to the other class.
Well, pushing myself is kind of a push, stop, push stop. The baby steps? Maybe thats what they do. I do notice but ssshhhh don't tell anyone but when I'm working I thinkg I have more energy. Go figure?
How did you start to stop letting the past control your present and future? I know it's different for everyone and I'm probably doing what I need to be doing, but that's the one thing I think that keeps me in this Fear, plus the fact, like you said, it is a comfort zone.

I wanted to tell you that I read your other post. I had no idea you were discussing such things, major decisions with your doctor. It must be hard to let go of something you have tried to maintain for a long time. How long have you worked? All your life? Me, just the opposite, but change is change. I thought about you this morning and really wondered how you can be so strong for others and go through your own problems, or challenges. I bet you can find a million things to enjoy your time. That grandbaby of yours sounds like a cutey pie. Spend more time with her/him. Get into things you have always put off because of work, being tired, in pain.
I'm not sure what kind of advice to give you because you are such a source of wisdom. When I saw that post though, I wanted to give you a big hug and say why didn't you let us know? I know or think I know why. Actually no I don't. I keep forgetting I'm not a mind reader. Well you are a truly, wonderful, beautiful woman who deserves many treasures this year. Please keep me posted. Will ya?:)

hey capt - i just wish you could use the wonderful help you give so many others and turn it inwards on yourself.

keep fightin the good fight capt - i know u can do it

yoss

keep on keepin on

Yoss, you gotta let me know what applies to me. It's funny how we can support and be understanding with others and the when it comes to ourselves or me, nah, I do have to stop berating myself. I think its takes more energy to put yourself down and stay down then to work and be nice to yourself. I ahve to stop typing now my finger realy hurts, read my new post.