saintzita
02-14-2002, 04:53 AM
As I sit and desperately search this technological tool for answers, my husband lies in wait. He waits for tomorrow, he waits for relief, he waits for death.
A once vibrant and strong man, now a drained and weak man. He served in the PGW.
His was one of the first units in and the last ones out, on the frontlines. He, like many of you, is suffering terribly from this GWI and I, like many of you, am furious and frustrated. The deterioration of these soldiers is remarkable, and those of us who love them suffer as well.
He has a temperature daily of at least 101, this has been going on steadily for approximately 6 months, his memory is essentially non-existant (in fact, he finds himself lost when out by himself and this he does not do any longer), atrophy is setting in his muscles, he has lost 50 lbs in just over 3 months, he vomits daily, his spine is tender and spasmodic, he has frequent nose and ear bleeds, his breathing is shallow and rapid and he still looks at me says, "I just love you."
As his wife, I do all that I possibly can to comfort his suffering and bring a smile and some laughter into his life. We both know that it is ending. He refuses to continue to be a subject for experimentation and cover ups. He has chosen not to register. He does receive disability compensation for his service as well as medication from the VA for "other" problems, as they like to say. He chooses not to "fight" the system, it cannot be beaten. "To them, we (the soldiers) are expendable, I knew it when I joined." They have been in charge for too long and will do everything they can to preserve that position. While he endures the same as many others, he is so desperately attempting to "live" his life.
This has been a very difficult decision for me to accept. As a nurse, I want and need clinical explinations for illnesses. However, as a wife, I have learned to want and need a smile, a laugh, a hug and the words "I just love you" more. I had to learn not to take over his life in an attempt to satisfy my lack of control and my sense of fear. I had to learn to recognize his lack of control and sense of fear and understand how he chooses to handle it. I'm sure that I am not unlike many other spouses, tho few may choose to speak up.
Love and respect these veterans, as they have offered and continue to suffer much.
A GWV's Wife
[This message has been edited by saintzita (edited 02-14-2002).]
[This message has been edited by saintzita (edited 02-14-2002).]
A once vibrant and strong man, now a drained and weak man. He served in the PGW.
His was one of the first units in and the last ones out, on the frontlines. He, like many of you, is suffering terribly from this GWI and I, like many of you, am furious and frustrated. The deterioration of these soldiers is remarkable, and those of us who love them suffer as well.
He has a temperature daily of at least 101, this has been going on steadily for approximately 6 months, his memory is essentially non-existant (in fact, he finds himself lost when out by himself and this he does not do any longer), atrophy is setting in his muscles, he has lost 50 lbs in just over 3 months, he vomits daily, his spine is tender and spasmodic, he has frequent nose and ear bleeds, his breathing is shallow and rapid and he still looks at me says, "I just love you."
As his wife, I do all that I possibly can to comfort his suffering and bring a smile and some laughter into his life. We both know that it is ending. He refuses to continue to be a subject for experimentation and cover ups. He has chosen not to register. He does receive disability compensation for his service as well as medication from the VA for "other" problems, as they like to say. He chooses not to "fight" the system, it cannot be beaten. "To them, we (the soldiers) are expendable, I knew it when I joined." They have been in charge for too long and will do everything they can to preserve that position. While he endures the same as many others, he is so desperately attempting to "live" his life.
This has been a very difficult decision for me to accept. As a nurse, I want and need clinical explinations for illnesses. However, as a wife, I have learned to want and need a smile, a laugh, a hug and the words "I just love you" more. I had to learn not to take over his life in an attempt to satisfy my lack of control and my sense of fear. I had to learn to recognize his lack of control and sense of fear and understand how he chooses to handle it. I'm sure that I am not unlike many other spouses, tho few may choose to speak up.
Love and respect these veterans, as they have offered and continue to suffer much.
A GWV's Wife
[This message has been edited by saintzita (edited 02-14-2002).]
[This message has been edited by saintzita (edited 02-14-2002).]