diva30
12-19-2007, 09:30 AM
Hi everyone,
It is so helpful for me to read others posts and realize that I am not alone in my pain and suffering and that others have found ways of dealing with this. About 3-4 years ago I went through a really dark period of obsessional thinking- I took Luvox and after a few months I basically ahd kicked the thinking and felt like myself again. I stayed on the Luvox for about two years- met a wonderful man, dated him for about 6-8 months before I weaned off the luvox, feeling that it was time. Well now I have been together with him for a year and 3 months and the whole relationship has been amazing. I have not had any obessional thinking (except for one time back in the spring where I had a pregnancy scare- but that obsession had a end to it when I found out I wasn't- of course). He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy, he is my best friend, we hold eachother's hearts and have for quite a while. I brought up marriage back in sept- saying that I really felt I could spend the rest of my life with him, I could picture us raising a family and sharing all our troubles and good times together. It felt so good and right. Well over the following months, we started to more seroiusly discuss this possibility, where we would live, discussing rings, etc. About a month ago, right before Thanksgiving, the obsessions started to rear their ugly heads. It started with me being bothered by superficial things about him that I had NEVER even noticed before- like how he would say a certain word, or how he had gained a little weight- and I would obsess how that is bothering me, and if that is bothering me, than maybe my feelings aer changing, and maybe we can't get engaged....This is how the snowball effect (as I like to call it) would begin. So when the obsessions started small, I thought, hmmm I should probably be medicated again, I do not want to ruin a wonderful time in my life with my OCD. So I went back on the luvox. Well that was right around thanksgiving and this past month has been HELL for me. The obessions have become debilitating, I had to take off from work, In any given day, I can go back and forth between feeling warm, connected, and myself again- loving the idea of being with him forever, and then within two min the ugly thoughts come in saying nope, you are lying to him, this isn't fair to him, etc. The amazing thing is that he has stuck by me the ENTIRE time, using his faith in God to help him get through it. He believes that I will get better and that we are going to live the life together that we know we both want. And for example, last night, spending time with him, I felt that way- we were discussing wedding stuff, etc and I was laying with him on the couch feeling like we used to, loved, safe, and connected. Then I go to sleep, and wake up in the middle of the night feeling paralyzed by negative thoughts. The kicker is that we did get engaged this past weekend. I had thought if that wonderful event occurred, some of my fears would subside bc I would realize that the ring isn't oging to change anything, we are still the same couple that I have loved to be a part of the whole time.
He said something so poignant last night- i said, aren't you scared that my OCD could be a part of my life forever and it mig ht pop up again with other situations in our life together? And he said, no it doesn't worry me at all, we will get through it. And then he asked me, would you rather go through it all alone or with me? And of course I said him! He is amazing, he is my angel and I am so scared that I am going to allow these awful intrusive thoughts get the better of me.
Wow sorry for the long post, I just had to get it all out. I would appreciate any advice or similar experiences to help me get through this. I want to be so excited to run around and show off my ring and feel the joy that I know is deep within me, but the thoughts are blockign them. Thanks again
It is so helpful for me to read others posts and realize that I am not alone in my pain and suffering and that others have found ways of dealing with this. About 3-4 years ago I went through a really dark period of obsessional thinking- I took Luvox and after a few months I basically ahd kicked the thinking and felt like myself again. I stayed on the Luvox for about two years- met a wonderful man, dated him for about 6-8 months before I weaned off the luvox, feeling that it was time. Well now I have been together with him for a year and 3 months and the whole relationship has been amazing. I have not had any obessional thinking (except for one time back in the spring where I had a pregnancy scare- but that obsession had a end to it when I found out I wasn't- of course). He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy, he is my best friend, we hold eachother's hearts and have for quite a while. I brought up marriage back in sept- saying that I really felt I could spend the rest of my life with him, I could picture us raising a family and sharing all our troubles and good times together. It felt so good and right. Well over the following months, we started to more seroiusly discuss this possibility, where we would live, discussing rings, etc. About a month ago, right before Thanksgiving, the obsessions started to rear their ugly heads. It started with me being bothered by superficial things about him that I had NEVER even noticed before- like how he would say a certain word, or how he had gained a little weight- and I would obsess how that is bothering me, and if that is bothering me, than maybe my feelings aer changing, and maybe we can't get engaged....This is how the snowball effect (as I like to call it) would begin. So when the obsessions started small, I thought, hmmm I should probably be medicated again, I do not want to ruin a wonderful time in my life with my OCD. So I went back on the luvox. Well that was right around thanksgiving and this past month has been HELL for me. The obessions have become debilitating, I had to take off from work, In any given day, I can go back and forth between feeling warm, connected, and myself again- loving the idea of being with him forever, and then within two min the ugly thoughts come in saying nope, you are lying to him, this isn't fair to him, etc. The amazing thing is that he has stuck by me the ENTIRE time, using his faith in God to help him get through it. He believes that I will get better and that we are going to live the life together that we know we both want. And for example, last night, spending time with him, I felt that way- we were discussing wedding stuff, etc and I was laying with him on the couch feeling like we used to, loved, safe, and connected. Then I go to sleep, and wake up in the middle of the night feeling paralyzed by negative thoughts. The kicker is that we did get engaged this past weekend. I had thought if that wonderful event occurred, some of my fears would subside bc I would realize that the ring isn't oging to change anything, we are still the same couple that I have loved to be a part of the whole time.
He said something so poignant last night- i said, aren't you scared that my OCD could be a part of my life forever and it mig ht pop up again with other situations in our life together? And he said, no it doesn't worry me at all, we will get through it. And then he asked me, would you rather go through it all alone or with me? And of course I said him! He is amazing, he is my angel and I am so scared that I am going to allow these awful intrusive thoughts get the better of me.
Wow sorry for the long post, I just had to get it all out. I would appreciate any advice or similar experiences to help me get through this. I want to be so excited to run around and show off my ring and feel the joy that I know is deep within me, but the thoughts are blockign them. Thanks again
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BadMalibu
12-19-2007, 01:43 PM
Diva-
Well let me be the first to say welcome to the board. This is a great place where you'll find the support you need from others that have OCD. There are alot of previous threads about relationship OCD, so if you get the chance, look back a couple of months ago and read through some of what the other members have posted.
I'll first say that if you're not already seeing a therapist, you should make an appointment with a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Specialist) so you can sit down and start to develop some strategies to combat your obsessional thinking. Ask your physcian for a reference, and if they don't know of a CBT in your area, check out the OC Foundations website, as they have listings of therapists in your area.
One thing I'd like to say is that most people don't understand where OCD comes from, and everyone would like a simple explanation, but sometimes it's just not that easy, sometimes you have to dig down and find out what's really going on in your life and what triggers your OCD. You have to put two and two together to see what exactly is triggering the OCD. Two things that I noticed from your post was the first time you had an OCD moment was during a pregnancy scare. Obviously, OCD will latch onto anything that causes stress and anxiety and magnify it, and I can imagine that having a pregnancy scare was quite an anxiety provoking experience.
Then your OCD went away, and now you're considering taking a huge step in your life, which is getting married. That is the second issue that I saw that will most definitely trigger some OCD thinking. The thoughts of marriage, where you're going to live, the wedding, cake, rings, family, invitations, wedding attire, it can all be very overwhelming, and our OCD latches onto these things and uses what I call "dumb" thoughts to try to get us out of a stressful situation, such as;
It started with me being bothered by superficial things about him that I had NEVER even noticed before- like how he would say a certain word, or how he had gained a little weight- and I would obsess how that is bothering me, and if that is bothering me, than maybe my feelings aer changing, and maybe we can't get engaged....
Our OCD will come up with every thought in the book to try to get us out of a situation that causes stress, so even if you're happy about a situation, the anxiety can cause an OCD moment. One reason OCD sticks around is becuase it trys to keep us out of stressful situations, and although you becoming engaged is wonderful, the OCD sees it as anxiety, stress, and tons of stuff to do, so what better way to get rid of the stress than to try to sabotage your wonderful relationship, that way you don't have to worry about it.
My therapist talks about "good" stress and "bad" stress, and in your case, this is a "good" stress because something positive is going to happen in your life. Obviously I don't have to tell you what "bad" stress is all about.
Try to find a therapist in your area, and let us know how you're doing.:D
Well let me be the first to say welcome to the board. This is a great place where you'll find the support you need from others that have OCD. There are alot of previous threads about relationship OCD, so if you get the chance, look back a couple of months ago and read through some of what the other members have posted.
I'll first say that if you're not already seeing a therapist, you should make an appointment with a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Specialist) so you can sit down and start to develop some strategies to combat your obsessional thinking. Ask your physcian for a reference, and if they don't know of a CBT in your area, check out the OC Foundations website, as they have listings of therapists in your area.
One thing I'd like to say is that most people don't understand where OCD comes from, and everyone would like a simple explanation, but sometimes it's just not that easy, sometimes you have to dig down and find out what's really going on in your life and what triggers your OCD. You have to put two and two together to see what exactly is triggering the OCD. Two things that I noticed from your post was the first time you had an OCD moment was during a pregnancy scare. Obviously, OCD will latch onto anything that causes stress and anxiety and magnify it, and I can imagine that having a pregnancy scare was quite an anxiety provoking experience.
Then your OCD went away, and now you're considering taking a huge step in your life, which is getting married. That is the second issue that I saw that will most definitely trigger some OCD thinking. The thoughts of marriage, where you're going to live, the wedding, cake, rings, family, invitations, wedding attire, it can all be very overwhelming, and our OCD latches onto these things and uses what I call "dumb" thoughts to try to get us out of a stressful situation, such as;
It started with me being bothered by superficial things about him that I had NEVER even noticed before- like how he would say a certain word, or how he had gained a little weight- and I would obsess how that is bothering me, and if that is bothering me, than maybe my feelings aer changing, and maybe we can't get engaged....
Our OCD will come up with every thought in the book to try to get us out of a situation that causes stress, so even if you're happy about a situation, the anxiety can cause an OCD moment. One reason OCD sticks around is becuase it trys to keep us out of stressful situations, and although you becoming engaged is wonderful, the OCD sees it as anxiety, stress, and tons of stuff to do, so what better way to get rid of the stress than to try to sabotage your wonderful relationship, that way you don't have to worry about it.
My therapist talks about "good" stress and "bad" stress, and in your case, this is a "good" stress because something positive is going to happen in your life. Obviously I don't have to tell you what "bad" stress is all about.
Try to find a therapist in your area, and let us know how you're doing.:D
diva30
12-20-2007, 12:11 AM
Thank you for replying. I had a sort of rough afternoon into evening with this. I went to my regular therapist and she does not have any real experience with OCD and she recommended that I tell the thoughts to "stop" out loud and refuse to allow them in. I questioned her and said I thought I wasn't supposed to do that- that I should let them exist but just do not give them power, etc. But she didn't really go with that. I felt really sad, empty after leaving the session and then I spent the evening shopping and having dinner with my fiance. I felt so detached, I tried to be my normal silly self with him, and a couple of times I was able to laugh, and feel natural but for the majority of the time I was questioning everything in the back of my mind. I keep getting congratulatory phone calls on our engagement and I immediately get intrusive thoughts and an anxious feeling inside- like it is wrong, like I should feel guilty for going along with this. A month ago, before all this intrusive thinking, this man was my life, my best friend, my everything. I told him I wanted to live my life with him a short time before as well. Now everything feels wrong and is constantly making me sick. I did email one CBT today and she said to call her directly but that she might not be able to accept a new patient. It's weird, today I didn't feel as anxious or paralyzed by the thoughts- and that caused new worry- I was thinking, well I guess they must be real then, if I am able to stay calm while I have them.
I know rationally it doesn't make sense but when I am obsessing nothing feels right. During the past few weeks I have written journal entries just pleading with God to let me feel peace, to allow me to be happy about the engagement. It is tearing me up inside. Thanks for listening. Erin
I know rationally it doesn't make sense but when I am obsessing nothing feels right. During the past few weeks I have written journal entries just pleading with God to let me feel peace, to allow me to be happy about the engagement. It is tearing me up inside. Thanks for listening. Erin
BadMalibu
12-20-2007, 12:26 AM
she recommended that I tell the thoughts to "stop" out loud and refuse to allow them in. I questioned her and said I thought I wasn't supposed to do that- that I should let them exist but just do not give them power
Well if your therapist told you that, obviously she doesn't have any experience with OCD because any experienced therapist will tell you that's the worst thing you can do. The more you try not to think of the pink giraffe, the more you're going to think about it. My recommendation would be to find a therapist that has experience treating anxiety disorders. If you need to find one, you can check out the OC Foundations website, as they have listings of experienced therapists.
There is no doubt in my mind that your engagement is causing the anxiety, but as I said before it's a good anxiety. Unfortunately, our OCD will take the smallest thing and run with it.:D
Well if your therapist told you that, obviously she doesn't have any experience with OCD because any experienced therapist will tell you that's the worst thing you can do. The more you try not to think of the pink giraffe, the more you're going to think about it. My recommendation would be to find a therapist that has experience treating anxiety disorders. If you need to find one, you can check out the OC Foundations website, as they have listings of experienced therapists.
There is no doubt in my mind that your engagement is causing the anxiety, but as I said before it's a good anxiety. Unfortunately, our OCD will take the smallest thing and run with it.:D
dksea
12-21-2007, 04:48 AM
First, Congratulations on finding such a wonderful man to share your life with! I'm very happy to hear about people who are accepting and supportive of us OCDers. Its a very very hard disease for people who don't have it to really understand so its always nice to find that support.
Just wanted to mention a few things. As BadMalibu said, your current therapist is on the aboslute WRONG track and you know it. OCD isn't just something you say STOP to and it goes away. Heck if it did we wouldn't have to deal with it. I'm really glad you are seeking out better options, it will make a world of difference. Second, OCD meds can take 4-6 weeks before they really kick in and your anxiety in the meantime will make it very rough at times as well i imagine. In addition to that finding the right dosage or even the right medication may take awhile. Throughout my 15 years of OCD i've been on two meds at varying dosages from 5mg up to 60 mg usually somewhere in between. Hang in there and keep working at it, it does get better. I'd like to suggest looking into Acceptance Commitment Therapy, its a new branch of CBT. There are some great workbooks out there and it is particularly well suited to the O part of OCD. Best wishes to you and your future together with your guy!
Just wanted to mention a few things. As BadMalibu said, your current therapist is on the aboslute WRONG track and you know it. OCD isn't just something you say STOP to and it goes away. Heck if it did we wouldn't have to deal with it. I'm really glad you are seeking out better options, it will make a world of difference. Second, OCD meds can take 4-6 weeks before they really kick in and your anxiety in the meantime will make it very rough at times as well i imagine. In addition to that finding the right dosage or even the right medication may take awhile. Throughout my 15 years of OCD i've been on two meds at varying dosages from 5mg up to 60 mg usually somewhere in between. Hang in there and keep working at it, it does get better. I'd like to suggest looking into Acceptance Commitment Therapy, its a new branch of CBT. There are some great workbooks out there and it is particularly well suited to the O part of OCD. Best wishes to you and your future together with your guy!
kellogg
12-21-2007, 10:56 PM
Diva,
I can totally empathize with you and I'm so sorry for your pain. OCD SUCKS! Sorry to be so crude, but there is no other way to describe this monster!!! It (OCD) can suck the joy out of any situation. It's so hard not to buy into it and believe what OCD tells you. Sometimes it's like living with a black cloud over your head--a heavy burden you carry with you everywhere you go...
I can also empathize with working with a therapist who does not understand OCD. I left my previous therapist's office many times feeling WORSE, because she didn't understand how to help me. "Breaking up" with that therapist was really hard for me because I'd been working with her for 3 years. But, I finally decided to make the change and have been working with an OCD specialist for 4 sessions now. The difference in therapy sessions is amazing! And, my old therapist was very understanding about my need to move on...she wants what's best for me, too.
Anyway, I hope and pray that one day all of us who suffer from this monster of a disease can break free and ENJOY life and feel "normal." I know it's so hard to remember this when you're in the midst of an OCD attack, but your OCD is telling you LIES about your feelings and your relationship. Your non-OCD mind/self knows the truth. Best of luck to you.
I can totally empathize with you and I'm so sorry for your pain. OCD SUCKS! Sorry to be so crude, but there is no other way to describe this monster!!! It (OCD) can suck the joy out of any situation. It's so hard not to buy into it and believe what OCD tells you. Sometimes it's like living with a black cloud over your head--a heavy burden you carry with you everywhere you go...
I can also empathize with working with a therapist who does not understand OCD. I left my previous therapist's office many times feeling WORSE, because she didn't understand how to help me. "Breaking up" with that therapist was really hard for me because I'd been working with her for 3 years. But, I finally decided to make the change and have been working with an OCD specialist for 4 sessions now. The difference in therapy sessions is amazing! And, my old therapist was very understanding about my need to move on...she wants what's best for me, too.
Anyway, I hope and pray that one day all of us who suffer from this monster of a disease can break free and ENJOY life and feel "normal." I know it's so hard to remember this when you're in the midst of an OCD attack, but your OCD is telling you LIES about your feelings and your relationship. Your non-OCD mind/self knows the truth. Best of luck to you.
diva30
12-22-2007, 08:44 AM
Thank you so much for your replies, it really does help to hear from others who are dealing with the same issues and I know reassurance isn't the answer but it is a quick fix when I am in the middle of this slump. I woke up again this morning at 5 am, feeling pretty blank headed, I tried to keep that clear head and just go back to sleep but it started all over again. It is so sad, any engagement card I receive, etc just triggers me to doubt all over again. I called my fiance to talk to me after I laid in bed for an hour praying and asking for God to clear my head and restore my heart and remind of how much I truly do love my fiance and how I can have a wonderful life with him if I can just get past this. I am upping my dose of luvox over the next few days per doc's request, I am only taking 75 mg and I am steadily increasing to 150 if I can handle it. i didn't want to have to do that, but I have been suffering pretty badly for over a month and I can't bear to think that I will have to start planning a wedding, thinking every step of the way that something is wrong with our relationship. The crazy thing is, even when I really get into an OCD attack of feeling like I have to run to him and tell him things can't work- I have no concrete reason- none. It is like I picture him in my head and his face just doesn't look the same to me, and I feel disconnected from him- but there is nothing I could use as a reason for why we shouldn't be together- just that my head is telling me it is wrong! I also have a new fear that I will start to feel better but my emotions will not be the same for him. But I know that logically that makes no sense. What I try to tell myself is that 6 months from now I am going to look back and realize that I went through this bc my deep fear (not that I regularly think this) is that he will eventually leave me, or I will lose him somehow- and I went through this period with him, to show me that he really isn't going anywhere- he will stick by me through everything we face. And logically that makes sense, but I can't get my whole body and heart to believe it right now.
Thanks again, diva
Thanks again, diva