I'm not really sure why I'm writing today, maybe just to see the words and to try to make some sense of them. I'm in my 4th month of recovery, and each day that I'm clean is truly a miracle. I look back on where I was and the thought of ever going back there scares the hell outta me. How I didn't die from an OD, or the thoughts of suicide didn't completely take over baffles me, but here I am. Here lately things have been, well...different. The first month of being clean was pure hell. w/d's, depression, fear, you name it. The 2nd and 3rd months were great. I think we forget how true happiness feels while we are in addiction. I saw the world like a newborn each day. The beauty of it was so new, and my attitude did a complete 180. Now I'm in month 4 and, for some reason, I'm struggling. Not to stay off the drugs so much and just a mental and emotional struggle to not go back to how I was before. The anger, wanting to isolate, pessimistic view of things. Does this make any sense? I've worked so hard to change my thoughts, and the fact that they seem to be reverting scares me. It is good that I recognize what my mind is trying to do, but finding a way to stop it is harder. I've been going to meetings regularly and they help so much (I shudder to think what I'd be like without them), but I need to be/do something else....I pray/meditate daily, and going to counseling weekly, speaking with my sponsor...sigh...I kind of feel like I've hit a wall. I think I need to get my 4th and 5th steps done...I have piled up so much trash inside me for so long..I guess it really never does go away until you clean house.

On a positive note, I passed my GMAT exam this past weekend, and will be starting graduate school next month. It seems I now have goals in life *smiles*....I just have to quit worrying about failing at them.

Ok, thanks for letting me rant. Stay strong all.

RTBD

hiya ready,
I'm so happy to hear from you, I've been wondering how things are going for you... sounds like your doing well. Or, as well as can be expected, right? Your doing this the right way this time, got all your ducks in row, etc... then why is it still so tough? cuz were human and and this pain is inevitable. Clean or sober. Just my opinion of course, but I think your standing on the edge right now, feeling fabulous and proud for all of your recent accomplishments, but also scared to death... you've gotta figure out a way to live the rest of your life like this. Sober. It's a huge change- think about how long you lived in an 'addictive funk', repeating the same ridiculous mistakes over and over. It's gonna take a lot of time to rebuild the many aspects of your life. That means your going to have to be patient w/ yourself- w/ your mind and body. Those sneaky, rotten feelings and thoughts do come back sometimes in moments of weakness... just fight it ready, fight for your life. Crazy thought here.... sometimes it seems to be harder for us to get past the mental difficulties we create for ourselves than the actual disease itself.
I know you've heard this before but I'm going to recommend it anyway just because it worked so well for me- When your head goes there... absolutely force yourself to exercise or meditate. Exercise for the anxiety and meditation for your mind. I've discovered the ability to completely calm my mind w/ meditation exercises. It's taken a long time and LOTS of practice but I'm getting there. You can to.
I think I'm rambling a bit but I want to make sure you know that I think your doing great. Just stay strong through this 'part' of your recovery. It's so worth it, right?....
Take care of yourself ready, jkm

Jkm, Thankyou, And I Will Stay Strong And Stand Tall, We Are The Champions.peace.fitz.

jkm - it is sooo good to hear from you! I think you are so right about it being hard to deal with the mental aspect of this thing, but like they say in the meetings, addiction is a mental, spiritual and physical disease. Kind of weird about the meditation...sometimes it is so easy for me to do and others, well...I can't get my own brain to shut up long enough to focus..lol. I went to counselling today, so I'm doing better. I think waiting on this whole legal thing is part of my problem. I just want it done. I'm ready to get on with life, you know.

Fitz, hang in there. I have two sons, and cannot imagine the hell you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the w/d's suck, but you CAN do this. If I can, anyone can. Believe me, I was in pretty sad shape. Hold onto your support system and ask for help when you need it (still hard for me to do).

OK, gotta get ready for an NA meeting. Stay strong all

RTBD