I wunder if anybody else has the same problem i do with my eyes. I close them and see my late wife as i saw her last, lying in our bed and dead. I was greatful that she died at home instead of a hospital but it was terrible to wake up and reach over to kiss my life (not a misspelling)good morning and her body was empty. I got out of bed screaming and my daughters came to the door. I slammed it in their faces so they wouldn't see. I don't know if that was right or not but i'd rather they not have the last memory of their mom lying in bed with lines of blood showing on the lower half of her body. It tears me up to see it but sometimes i can't get away from it. I close my eyes and there she is. Will i ever forget? Will it ever get faded so i can't see the lines or her gray skin? Sorry, just having a bad day today. Holidays suck. I know it's been almost 8 years but it's just like i saw it yesturday. Shane:angel:

Hi Shane

I watched my beloved husband of 37 years die as I held his hand. He had cancer and had gone from a robust 230 pounds to less than 100 pounds when he died. I too see his face as he died and work very hard to not remember that picture in my head and it's hard. For me, I only have around pictures of him "before" he got sick - not "afters". I work very hard to remember the 35 years he was my beloved - not the last 2 years when my darling sweetheart was replaced by a sick, sad, thin man in constant pain who needed me as a caregiver not a wife. It isn't perfect but keeping his happy "fat" pictures where I can see them helps me remember the wonderful years we did have - and not the painful years at the end. It has been 5 months and I still miss him every day and wish God had left him with me. This is my first Christmas in 37 years without him and I am determined to get through them somehow.

mac

I'm so sorry mac. My first christmas without my Ethelyn was almost my last if not for a couple of friends. It does get easier as time goes by, from what i'm told. We were together 21 days shy of 9 years. She gained weight from sleeping 16-20 hours a day for 2 years. I have her ashes in my living room. My new wife thinks i'm great but i still blame myself for not doing more to stop Ethelyn's dying. I keep pics of her too but i don't keep them too prominant in the house. Having a new family is hard but i'd rather it than no family at all. Hope you have a good christmas even tho he's not there. He'll always be there as long as you remember. Shane :angel:

I am sorry you are reliving this... I relive watching my husband die too... it was just over 5 months ago...he had cancer and died only 4 months after being diagnosed...
I have always had a "thing" about death...even seeing pictures in mags of dead people bothered me... and I had to go through the end of my husbands life KNOWING i was going to see him die....or at least after he died... I spent the 4 months wondering if I was just going to unexpectedly find him dead and the thought scared me... I prayed that when it was time I would have warning and know it was coming and it not just happen.... I did get my wish...it was hard...but I was there with him when it happened... when his breathing slowed... and then stopped.... right afterward...I had to turn and walk away...I couldnt stay in the room...I left until the mortunary came to pick up his body.... but the thing that I guess that still haunts me is looking into his eyes when it happened..ad literally seeing his life leave... his eyes dialated and that blankness....they werent closed... he had been out of it most of the day...when this happened the split second before he went..he actually blinked and looked like he was "there" and then he was gone..it was very freaky...for lack of a better word... but I do sit and relive it from time to time... It is hard to control the thoughts sometimes....

Have you spoken with a counsellor about PTSD?? If not ou many want to look into it.... I dont know that much about it but what happened to you definitely would qualify as a trigger....

I hope you are able to find some peace...

Hi,
I lost my mother last month. She was 86 and had lived a FULL life. She was in good health until the day she passed. She called me at 3 one morning and said she was sick to come over. I got there within 10 minutes. She was unconscious in the chair and breathing very raggedly. I tried to wake her up but to no avail. I called 911 and while I was on the phone she stopped breathing. When I got back to her she took 3 deep gasps like she was drowning and then she was gone.

It seemed like every time for a while that I closed my eyes, I relived that scene. It is getting better. I hope you soon fine some peace.

Uncgal

Cherokeepyrate:

I'm new to this, so bear with me. I read your post -- so sad. I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I just lost my husband of 24 years on Oct. 23, 2007 -- found him dead on the bedroom floor -- only 48 yrs. old -- totally unexpected. I have read a little about post traumatic stress disorder -- I was a nurse before I became disabled. People who experience any kind of trauma (not just from battle) can have PTSD and "reliving" the experience is typical of this. I have relived walking into that bedroom and finding him on the floor a million times.

I don't know if you are a believer in counseling, but it might be of some benefit.


Peace to you,

Katmagick

Im sorry those images haven't left your mind. I have to say lots of prayer has helped me with taking the bad images out of my head at night. I still see them but not quite as clearly now.
I hope you don't mind me saying a prayer for you to get past those.