Davis28
01-12-2008, 06:55 AM
Hello I hope that I have posted this in the correct forum. I am 28 years old now and all of my life growing up my dad has told me how it is impossible to own a nice house since you need perfect credit and a college degree with a high paying job. I always thought that really nice two story houses with 2 car garages were like $3000 per month or something. Now that I am older I realize how cheap a brand new house really is which is very realistic for about $1200 or less per month. The point of this topic is if you had a parent who also tried to brainwash you with false information just because they were too lazy to achieve the goal on their own? My dad is lazy and never had a respectable job although he is retired military but works as a security guard now.
He spends his whole check on useless things to try and impress others when he really cannot afford them. Due to this mentality he has always convinced me that having good credit and owning a home was nearly impossible and that I should just rent a cheap apartment. It is very discouraging to see how so many things he has said were not true and I wish I would have known this right out of high school so I would have planned for a better future.
He spends his whole check on useless things to try and impress others when he really cannot afford them. Due to this mentality he has always convinced me that having good credit and owning a home was nearly impossible and that I should just rent a cheap apartment. It is very discouraging to see how so many things he has said were not true and I wish I would have known this right out of high school so I would have planned for a better future.
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Seraph
01-12-2008, 07:28 AM
This post jumped out at me....whatever I wanted do do all through my life, I was told by my mother things like "Oh no, you need to have talent for that", or "No you could never get high enough marks for that". I desperately wanted to study medicine, but got this "No you would never stick to it" etc etc. I studied nursing instead, it was the next-best thing. I spent my whole life believing that I was mediocre. I was determined to encourage my own children to try for anything they wanted, that it is better to have a go and not make it sometimes, rather than always feeling not entitled to aim for the top.
Davis28
01-12-2008, 07:56 AM
Thanks for the reply Seraph. Yeah that is another thing my dad would tell me "You would never stick with it and if things go bad you cannot rely on me for help financially or move back home." Even though I wouldn't expect help or to move back home just hearing that is discouraging. I suppose that most people have a stronger work ethic than others so when they have low patience or lack the ability to do something they assume that no one else can do it unless they were born millionaires with special treatment or something.
rheanna
01-13-2008, 05:17 AM
Davis28,
I got the same messages from my parents. I've spent the last several decades trying to undo those messages. It took me a long time to realize that my parents weren't intentionally being mean or cruel, they really meant the best for me -- they were giving me what they had available to give. That is, they were living under their own distorted messages that they had received from their parents.
I'm glad to hear that you have realized the illogic of these messages at such an early age. You have the opportunity to do things differently in your life than your parents did in theirs. The key here is to practice catching yourself whenever you fall into the old patterns. It helps to come up with some counter-message that you can tell yourself -- it will take a lot of practice, because the old messages are buried deep in our childhoods, but it can be done.
Go ahead and buy that house!
Seraph, I'm glad to hear that you are trying to break the chain by giving a dfferent message to your children!
--Rheanna
I got the same messages from my parents. I've spent the last several decades trying to undo those messages. It took me a long time to realize that my parents weren't intentionally being mean or cruel, they really meant the best for me -- they were giving me what they had available to give. That is, they were living under their own distorted messages that they had received from their parents.
I'm glad to hear that you have realized the illogic of these messages at such an early age. You have the opportunity to do things differently in your life than your parents did in theirs. The key here is to practice catching yourself whenever you fall into the old patterns. It helps to come up with some counter-message that you can tell yourself -- it will take a lot of practice, because the old messages are buried deep in our childhoods, but it can be done.
Go ahead and buy that house!
Seraph, I'm glad to hear that you are trying to break the chain by giving a dfferent message to your children!
--Rheanna
Davis28
02-09-2008, 05:49 AM
Just a bump since I feel this is a good topic.
Sannah
02-11-2008, 12:10 PM
Maybe all of your parents are/were afraid to try things for themselves and therefore, were afraid to watch any of you try either? This is a very interesting topic and you all have been very successful in realizing this and how it affected you.
ChrissyCP
02-11-2008, 06:12 PM
Hello I hope that I have posted this in the correct forum. I am 28 years old now and all of my life growing up my dad has told me how it is impossible to own a nice house since you need perfect credit and a college degree with a high paying job. I always thought that really nice two story houses with 2 car garages were like $3000 per month or something. Now that I am older I realize how cheap a brand new house really is which is very realistic for about $1200 or less per month. The point of this topic is if you had a parent who also tried to brainwash you with false information just because they were too lazy to achieve the goal on their own? My dad is lazy and never had a respectable job although he is retired military but works as a security guard now.
He spends his whole check on useless things to try and impress others when he really cannot afford them. Due to this mentality he has always convinced me that having good credit and owning a home was nearly impossible and that I should just rent a cheap apartment. It is very discouraging to see how so many things he has said were not true and I wish I would have known this right out of high school so I would have planned for a better future.
I'm in the same boat with you and have come to the same realization of things. I'm just curious, how does this make you feel when you want to attempt to do s/th your parents reinforced you into thinking you can't? Is it easy to try?
I find I have difficulty attepmting to learn to drive b/c I have very mild cerebral palsy, and all my life my mother wasn't encouraging to say the least! She never thought i'd get a college degree! I currently work with my family, but I haven't learned to drive b/c i'm too afraid. I'm also not one to stick up for myself either. My problem is hardly noticible but my mother always made me "aware" that I have it and now its more psychological than anything. How do you set aside fear or pessimism and just do it?
He spends his whole check on useless things to try and impress others when he really cannot afford them. Due to this mentality he has always convinced me that having good credit and owning a home was nearly impossible and that I should just rent a cheap apartment. It is very discouraging to see how so many things he has said were not true and I wish I would have known this right out of high school so I would have planned for a better future.
I'm in the same boat with you and have come to the same realization of things. I'm just curious, how does this make you feel when you want to attempt to do s/th your parents reinforced you into thinking you can't? Is it easy to try?
I find I have difficulty attepmting to learn to drive b/c I have very mild cerebral palsy, and all my life my mother wasn't encouraging to say the least! She never thought i'd get a college degree! I currently work with my family, but I haven't learned to drive b/c i'm too afraid. I'm also not one to stick up for myself either. My problem is hardly noticible but my mother always made me "aware" that I have it and now its more psychological than anything. How do you set aside fear or pessimism and just do it?
Sannah
02-12-2008, 11:34 AM
How do you set aside fear or pessimism and just do it?
Hi Chrissy, 1) maybe realize how your mother's fear can hold you back but this is all that it is, is her fear (it is not a true assessment of your abilities). 2) remember things that you did try and accomplished despite her fears (build your confidence with your past accomplishments), and 3) just do it and then feel good about it afterwards no matter what the results.
Hi Chrissy, 1) maybe realize how your mother's fear can hold you back but this is all that it is, is her fear (it is not a true assessment of your abilities). 2) remember things that you did try and accomplished despite her fears (build your confidence with your past accomplishments), and 3) just do it and then feel good about it afterwards no matter what the results.
ChrissyCP
02-23-2008, 09:59 PM
Hi Chrissy, 1) maybe realize how your mother's fear can hold you back but this is all that it is, is her fear (it is not a true assessment of your abilities). 2) remember things that you did try and accomplished despite her fears (build your confidence with your past accomplishments), and 3) just do it and then feel good about it afterwards no matter what the results.
Sannah,
Thank you! I do have a college degree, and very independant (besides knowing to drive.) I guess you're right - try to be proud of whatever I do. The attempt itself should be worthy!
Sannah,
Thank you! I do have a college degree, and very independant (besides knowing to drive.) I guess you're right - try to be proud of whatever I do. The attempt itself should be worthy!
alaskagr8d8
02-23-2008, 10:24 PM
Chrissy,
I have been an entrepreneur since age 12 when my mother caught me brokering a bicycle trade with the boys on my block...as a young woman born just after civil rights were "established" by law, my path as a woman in business was hard, hard, hard. This is what I have had posted on my refrigerator for the last 20 years...
"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough, they'll say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no...
Quite firmly and very quickly they will tell you no, and YOU WILL TELL THEM YES."
I have been an entrepreneur since age 12 when my mother caught me brokering a bicycle trade with the boys on my block...as a young woman born just after civil rights were "established" by law, my path as a woman in business was hard, hard, hard. This is what I have had posted on my refrigerator for the last 20 years...
"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough, they'll say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no...
Quite firmly and very quickly they will tell you no, and YOU WILL TELL THEM YES."