Hi again,

I've been having a rough time. Yesterday night I overdosed on tylenol. I went into the hospital and drank charcoal and was fine. I didn't, however, go into the psych ward because of the circumstances.

It was weird. Things were going well, I was happy and I have no idea why I did it. I had black outs and don't remember getting from one room to another. It was like I just woke up and found myself with a half empty container, still taking the tylenol by the hand full. I woke up my mom and dad (it was 2 am) and dad took me to the hospital. I had a pdoc evaluate me and based on the fact that there were no beds in the hospitial and I was not sucidial I didn't go into the psych ward. I still have no idea why I did it.

I have missed a bizillion days of school and am stressing out about it. Silly huh? school is one of the least important things in my life right now and it's what I'm most worried about. I hate school, I am in the proccess of trying to change to a small private school. I really hope it works out. I have never hated school before and now I dread waking up in the morning, knowing that I have to go to this miserable school again.

I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow and a tdoc apppointment the next day. I am not looking forward to the tdoc appointment, I know I am going to have to try and answer questions that I don't have answers to.

I just don't know where to go from here. I am afraid that if I screw up any more my parents will send me away again, and I am afraid of myself, I mean, if I don't remember how this happened, it could happen again. I can't take this any more, I just want to be happy and healthy, is that so much to ask?

Wishing things were better,
-steamroll

steam, please go to your appts and be totally honest with your doctors..if you are not ,you are only hurting yourself. let them have a chance to help you. You should have been admitted..some doctors are so stupid and you are right, they probably didnt have a bed...i hear how you feel about school, you need to be perfectly honest with your parents too...tell them how you feel, losing some time away from school is not horrible..it can be made up.

Hi, steamroll,

Yes, go to your appointments and be sure to tell them about not realizing what you were doing.

You mention a private school, any idea of time table on that?
It does sound as though going to school now is a major issue for you.

First things first, though; you could have killed yourself (and there must be a part of you that wants to do that). Do whatever you can to get and stay safe.

Also, make clear to those helping you how bad your experiences were before when you were sent away. There must be other ways for you to get treatment.

Let us know what's going on. I'll be looking for your next post, and hang in there.

Seaturtle

Oh dear steam, that is quite a scary night that you had. I am so glad to hear that you are ok. Please post to us here next time you feel like doing something like that. We are here to listen and help eachother.

I know how you feel about school being so stressful. I just feel like I want to pull my hair out most of the time. Yet, is this what we should be really worrying about? It seems so dumb but the pressure is so real. It's always in the back of my mind. Is that how you feel? I just dropped another class so I am now officially part-time (only 2 classes). I feel so dumb, yet know this is a good decision for me. I think? What if I could have handled more? I feel like I am wasting all this time and money...I really hope I can finish. I only need 6more classes, and only 4 if I finish this semester.

Sorry for blabbling. But I really do care about you and I want you to feel good and feel like doing things like that. That scares the crap out of me. I hope you are feeling ok now, and I know that your next tdoc and pdoc appts will be hard...but hopefully they will be helpful! Please, please take care of yourself. You are one of my favorite people to talk to on here.

Oh, steamroll, honey,

I am sorry you are having a rough time this week! My heart goes out to you. Here a couple of thoughts for you:

First, discuss what happened in detail with your pdoc. Perhaps you are oversedated.

Second, be sure to go to bed right after you take your night-time meds. I'm not sure what you take, but chances are they are sedating and you aren't really "in your right mind" after taking them. Also, be sure you don't drink alcohol.

Third, perhaps your school district offers "homebound" instruction. Most districts do. I think the goal would be to get your anxiety level down to where you can handle going to school. But, if you can't handle it right now, you can't handle it right now. Get your folks to talk to the Special Education department about having a teacher come to your house.

Hang in there, sweetie. We are all routing for you!

Thanks for all the support! I absolutly love reading the comments, it brightens my day.

Today was much better. I went to school all day long. Hurray! I have to study for my trig test tomorrow, and we decided that I won't go to AP world history so I don't have to take that test or turn in that paper...yet. I was lonely and unhappy but at least I suffered through another day so I am that much closer to something better. I am trying to stay positive, but it's hard.

Then I had my tdoc appointment. We talked about school, the overdose, how I was feeling, what the future might hold, ect. I like her a lot but I find therapy frustrating. No matter what we talk about or how much time we spend, nothing is ever resolved. There is no do this and you'll be better. I know better than to look for an easy answer, but I hope for it anyway.

We are looking into another school for me. I take an entrance test this Saturday to get into a private school and then another one later for a different school. There are a few problems though, 1.) they might not have a spot open 2.) They most likely won't take me in the middle of the year. We thought about homebound (I did that last year) but my tdoc thinks that a week or two would be okay but the homebound at my school is a 6 week min. Going to the school I am at now is killing me. I just can't take it. I need to transfer now, and that can't happen.

Also, I am on what we call at lock down "buddy watch," meaning I can't be more than 5 feet away from my buddy. In this case my buddy is my mom. I love her dearly but I am tired of being dragged along everywhere she goes. The only relief I get is at school, where I am so lonely I wish she was there. Funny, huh? But I suppose as she begins to trust me (and as I begin to trust myself) I will get more independence.

I also saw my pdoc yesterday, and he amuses and surprises me. He pretty much told me that he didn't think I was bipolar. He said he wishes he could write on the charts "enigma." But since I don't fall into any other catagory, we are just going to stick with bipolar NOS. I do have most of the bipolar symptoms, but my cycles last an hour to two hours and that makes him wonder. He put me back on Seroquel for sleep (200-300 depending on how I feel), thinking that sleep is an important factor in my mania. It's true the less I sleep the more manic I am, so a steady sleeping schedule is a good idea.

Sorry for rambling, but it just feels so good to get it all out.
Thanks for listening,
--steamroll:cool:

I am glad that you had a better day, steamroll! I've been thinking about you.

Don't give up on the possibility of being able to change schools. I know there are reasons why it won't work, but you just never know. It could happen.

How about talking to your tdoc about how frustrating it is for you that you don't get any concrete advice?

Keep us posted on how it is going. We are always here to listen.

Take care,
F&D

hey,

Thats a really high dose of seroquel, I would watch out for weight gain on that stuff, I didn't like it at all, it kept me calm, but too calm like a zombie, I had just come off of a long manic episode when it was prescribed for me, and I was rapid cycling a lot at that time, so maybe it's what you need right now. Good luck and hang in there, try and and find peace and balance in your life, enjoy simple pleasures, and take care;)

~~lily

Steam, I am glad to hear that you like your pdoc. I like mine too. Makes a world of difference!

I hope things work out ok with your school situation. You must feel like you are trapped! I hope things get better really soon! :)

Hey again,

These last few days have been so much better. I have been feeling so good, it's like something just snapped and now everything is better, I feel like I can finish the year if I have to and I'll be more outgoing and make more friends and just be happy. Sometimes I catch myself smiling like a creep for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, I forgot to tell you guys, I wrote a letter to both the lockdown facility and the nature program I was at, telling them how well I was doing (This was before the overdose). The tdoc at the nature program was awful, I absolutely hated her, she made me take steps backwards instead of forward. I know now that she was only trying to help and didn't mean to be as bad as she was for me. In the letter I told her how she made me feel and I said the I forgave her and I hoped that she could forgive me for running away from the program. I'm sure she got in lots of trouble for that. She wrote me back saying of course she forgave me and the letter was extremely nice and I felt so much better after reading it. I didn't get a letter back from lockdown yet.

My weekend with my dad and my youngest sister is almost at an end and it went of without a hitch! No problems at all. That kinda surprised me because my mum is who I lean on and after being on buddy watch with her, I was afraid that I had become too dependent on her. Apparently not! yay!

Plus to make me exta happy, I am going to one of my friend's house from my old school to watch a movie. I'm not going to be a hermit after all!

Llama- how are you doing? Are you happy with the decision to drop that class? I think it was a good move, personally.

Lily- I was on seroquel before and didn't have any problems, but then again I was on a much lower dose, thanks for the warning, I will be watching for signs.

Fine and Dandy- Thanks so much for the support, you are such a nice person, I can feel it in your posts! I have talked to my tdoc about how frustrating it is to never get anything solved, and quite frankly I didn't get that solved, either. ARGGGG (that was frustration coming out, not me being a pirate...)

--steamroll

Hi Steamroll,

Glad to hear you are feeling so much better. That's awesome!

Perhaps a different tdoc would be more useful to you? I know it is so hard to start over with a new one. It's frustrating to have to give them the full history all over again. However, if this one is leaving you feeling unsatisfied, it might be worth it.

I hope this week goes well for you!
F&D

LOL steam about the pirate joke!!! :D

I am glad to hear that you had a good weekend! You do sound like you are feeling better just reading your post. And I am really glad to hear that you are going to see a movie with at a friends! That should be fun! And the letter writing was such a good idea. I would never have thought to do anything like that. You are so mature and smart! That must have felt very therapeutic to get things off your chest and then to receive a nice reply as well.

I guess I am glad to have dropped the class. It makes me feel kind of dumb though because I see others who can take 4-6 classes!!! I just need a slower pace because I can't concentrate. I don't know if it's the meds or what. But my pdoc said that if I don't get better w/in a week then she said she will put me on strattera to help. Never heard of it but I guess it's an ADD med. So, I guess we will see! Thanks for asking about me!

That pirate joke made my day. They say laughter is the best medicine, right? So glad to see you're feeling better. I started taking Trileptal about two years ago in place of seroquel, and it works great for me. I think it's more expensive than some of the other mood stabilizers out there, but for me it's worth it not to have to deal with the tiredness, and weight gain. I have heard others talk about the same struggles with Seroquel, although it did help me sleep really well, so I miss that part of taking it sometimes.

It's really great that you're getting along with your family, that's always the biggest challenge for me with this disease. Sometimes I just get so irritable that I can't get along with anyone really.

As far as getting along with your pdoc, I think that's such an important relationship, you should definately feel comfortable with the one you have, or look for another one. I sort of thought they were all kind of condescending and judgemental, since that was all I had seen so far. But now I have a warm and open, caring pdoc who I feel completely comfortable with. She's seen me on my worst and best days, and I have always been completely honest with her about everything.

As far as getting your problems solved, I don't know about that, I think we have problems that can be managed sometimes, but never really solved. You have to be realistic about how well you are expecting to become. I don't think there's any amount or kind of med out there, or pdoc who can make me like a completely normal person. I think it's admirable that you're working so hard and trying to get so much accomplished, but if your pushing too hard you may be adding more stress than your condition will allow. You just have to realize your limitations. You can't always do all the things you want, I used to try also, and it made me feel so frustrated that others were able to achieve all these things and I kept struggling to keep up.

You may not want to hear it but I think your episode with the overdose was a clear sign that you're doing too much. You kind of just snapped, right? You don't even remember making the decision to take the tylenol, it just sort of happened. That's pretty scary. I would take some time to really evaluate everything that's going on in your life, and see where you can make changes and lighten your load, and reduce stress. That can be a huge trigger for a lot of us.

Take care and let us know how things go,

~~lily

Hey, I just wanted to bump this up and see if we could get an update on how things are going. Hope all is fine;)

~~lily

Lily, Thank you so much for your big heart, it made my day to see that someone was thinking about me! By the way, how are you doing? I haven't heard much about your life recently

Things are going really well! I am slowly catching up in school, doing my make up after school. Oh- Excitment! I got an A for the semester in AP world history! I was really happy about that. We are also working on getting me a new school. Tomorrow I take another test for a different school. There is a private school right near me that is willing to take me in the middle of the year, but I'm not so sure that its academics are up to my standard.

I am starting to talk to people in my classes and just generallly feel happy! I'm getting good grades, hanging out with my old friends, attemting to make new friends, and getting along with my family. I think the hope that I have for the new school is reallly helping me day to day. I even went to school all day all this week! It's like the horribleness of the overdose never happened.

So overall, It is a good report!
--Steamroll

Steam, I am glad to hear a good report from you! :D It's great that you are catching up in school and were able to go all day long all week long!

(((steamroll)))

I was so glad to read that you're doing better.
I hope it continues.
Your posts here are just such a wonderful addition to the board, thank you.

Keep in touch!

Thanks for the report, streamroll. I am so glad that it's a good one!!!

I'm glad you are doing better. Amazing idea about writing the letters. My tdoc is always telling me to write what I am feeling, even if I just throw what I write away, just so I don't sit and keep it all in. I hope all works out with the new school, and if not, you seem to be holding your own where you are now.

hey again,

Glad to hear you're still doing good, I think with all of the stories about Heath Ledger this week, it just made me think about how how precarious life can be especially for those of us who have extra 'challenges'. I just worry I guess, it probably comes from being a Mom. For some reason, your original post kept entering my mind, and we're here to support each other so....

Anyhow, thanks for asking about me, I'm super busy getting ready to go to Florida with my dh and two kids next week. So, the first week in February I wont be around, and hopefully when I get back I won't need to be hospitalized! lol It's just sort of stressful for me to travel and be in large crouds and stuff, the last time we did the amusement park thing, I had quite the episode, I became so agitated that I freaked out on my family over what time to go to breakfast and ended up crying uncontollably for hours. Fun vacation for my kids, huh? I think I've learned how to manage my anxiety a bit better by now, so I'm hoping it's all going to be fine. I'm taking enough xanax to calm an elephant, and planning on relaxing plenty and pace myself.

keep on taking good care of yourself!!

~~lily:)

Thank you all for your kind remarks, it's great to know that I have that much support. I really was doing well, now not so much...

Today was stinkola. It was set up to be a bad day from the beginning. I had a crappy night last night and so I didn't do my physics homework, so I went into the day feeling overwhelmed. Luckily, my teacher didn't check the homwork, so I got away with that one. Plus there was a fire drill and fire drills freak me out, something about the noise, chaos, and tons of people (my class has 700 people in it, and that's just 11th grade). I go to guidance when there is a fire drill and hang out with my rockin' guidance counsler, who has really been the only reason why I'm still making through school days.

I got through all of that and was fine and feeling like I had it under control. Then someone pulled the fire alarm and I was no where near guidance, so I was funneled out with the rest of the masses of people. It really rattled my cage to say the least. So I when I got back in, in one piece, I went to my drama class where we were watching some dumb movie with a subsitute and I just freaked out. I got up and left. Without even asking her if I could go. In my school this is a serious offence, you need a pass to do everything, even to scatch your nose(okay, so I'm exaggerating).

I found myself walking to my guidance counselor's office, in a stupor. I sat down and she talked and I stared into space. Then something freaky happened. The chair in her office started looking at me. Like just staring. I kept saying "I don't like it, the chair is staring at me" over and over again. She moved the chair out into the hallway and shut the door, and I was fine. It was weird. My mom picked me up at from school and I came home and slept for 2 hours. And now here I am.

I feel lost and my brain is all muddled and I have no energy and I think about running away all the time, which is odd, because I fought so hard to get home, and I love being at home.

Oh, and I have some bad news, the only school that is willing to take me in the middle of the year has some problems with its accreditation. So that is kinda a red flag.

That's it for me, Hope you guys feel better than I do,
--steamroll

Hey, steamroll,

Gosh, what a tough time again for you. Have you called your doc and told him just what happened to you? Sounds as if you were hallucinating in the ofice.
I can imagine you're all disoriented and muddled. Sometimes, too much stimulation, noise, confusion, stuff like fire drills (700 class members? yikes), can throw us into a weird space.

Please do contact your docs right away, okay?

I'm here to listen and help however I can, as are we all. I'm thinking of you - please keep posting. Just talking about it might help a bit.

Seek help, don't run away. Arms around your shoulders from me,

Seaturtle

Hey Steamroll:
Listen if you can do physics than you got something going on girl. I could not imagine taking such a hard class. I so love your word stinkola. Though I am worried about what happened to you in the counsler's office. Talk to your Doc. Might be the med's
Keep in touch
Jeane

Happy Super Bowl day, guys! Go Patriots!

Things are actually going okay, well actually, no but somehow I feel that they are. I have some amazingly good news!!! We got our class rank and I am number 37!!!! I have a 4.229 and that increases my chances emmensly of getting into a good school next year and then a good college.

I had a manic episode after finding this out, but I think it was triggered, (as much as I hate that word, I think it is appropriate ) so I'm not that worried about it.

So, tonight I am going to my friend's(from my school in 9th grade, the people who go there are like my only friends) super bowl party. I am a little nervous, because there will be a lot of people there that I haven't seen in a long time and they will all be asking "where did you go?" and then I will lie and feel bad, but at the same time be relieved because I don't really want the whole world knowing that I was in lockdown. Plus, my ex-boyfriend will be there. I was really in love with him and when I was gone for 6 months, he just got over me and even though it's been almost a year I'm still not over him. Is that pathetic?

Anyway, despite all that, I am excited and am already ready even though it's still 2 hours away! I will let you guys know how it went.

Ta ta for now,
--steamroll:cool:

You go, girl! Terrific news, congratulations! I'm so happy to hear this.

Enjoy the party. There's no reason for anyone to know where you've been, so fabricating a bit is fine. The ex - well, I ended a relationship 3 years ago, and I still can't be in the same room with the ex without having to leave because I'm even now not over it. I'm sure you'll do better than me on that one!

Anyway, I think you're super, always look forward to your posts here, and am just happy for you so much,

Seaturtle