To preface my first post here, I will start by saying that I found these boards totally by chance. I was looking for boards that have support groups for people who are dieting and trying to get healthier. I was perusing the list, and came across this one. I was compelled to start reading, and now I feel compelled to post. (This might be a tad long winded, and sorry in advance for that.)

You see, I lost my mother on June 18th, 2006 (Fathers Day), after a 2 year long battle with breast cancer. She'd just turned 57. Initially we were told that it was completely curable and she would be fine. She went through the treatments, and months into it, they found what they said was a "little spot" on her liver. She was going for chemo, and seemed to be doing ok. My mom was the type of person who would internalize her pain and outwardly look just fine, so I don't really know how she felt at that point in the road. She was working 50+ hours a week and optimistic, as always. However, treatment after different treatment in which we were told "this new one should work 99% guaranteed" she kept getting progressively worse. It's worth noting that she continued working her normal schedule up until 2 weeks before she passed, that was the way she was. My hero, and role model. I only wish she knew it.
Anyway, during the last year of her cancer, I started suffering from depression. I fell into a black hole, where I stopped working, stopped socializing, and eventually stopped leaving the house. One thing led to another and I ended up in the hospital for a week, foolishly for trying to take my own life. My mother had to suffer through her own cancer watching my deterioration. I was eventually diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.
This came after I was admitted to the hospital on June 8 for an overdose. (That morning, I was supposed to help my mother get ready for a doctor's appt she had and because of my selfishness, I wasn't there.)
This was my fathers birthday, and little did I know at the time, my mother was admitted the same day, and it was the last time she'd ever be admitted.
By the time I got home, my dad was frantically trying to get ahold of me to let me know my mom was in the hospital.
When I found out, I immediately got to the hospital. From that point, I spent 23 of 24 hours out of every day by her bedside. I came home for one hour to shower. That was it. I slept there and had all my meals there. (For what I could actually eat.) We had her last rites given to her, she went into a morphine coma, and as I was laying in my chair trying to fall asleep, I heard her breathing change. I got up, woke my dad, and stood there holding her hand as she took her last breath.
Since my mom has passed away, I feel like she is angry at me. I feel like she is disappointed in me, and that I let her down. I feel like she resents me for not being there enough for her, and as a result she abandoned me. I know it sounds weird, but I don't "Feel" her around me. It just feels empty. I miss her so much and I never allowed myself to deal with the loss. That much I can say. I just don't understand why I feel like she is so mad at me. Not only that, but I have continuous, recurring dreams of her dying over and over again while i'm there, but never in the same way, or the same hospital. It's always the cancer that gets her, but sometimes she is not in a coma, sometimes she is in pain, sometimes she is acting crazy.
I go on with life, and try to get through it. I still can't really think about her death. I can talk about it happening, and how, but i can't really sit there and THINK about it. I don't know why i feel this way and I guess i'm just wondering if there is anyone else who felt those feelings that I Feel. The sense of your loved one being angry at you or abandoning you, and if so, how you got over it.
Again, i'm sorry to be so long winded but i am a wordy person by nature. Thanks in advance for your replies. I think I was brought here for a reason.....

Hey there,

That is a really sad story. One of my fears is losing my mom. And just tonight, I told her that I can't wait till I don't have to ever see her again. :(

First of all, don't beat yourself up for your depression. Have you been depressed at all before any of this happening with your mom? It's normal to have depression or feel like you've become a crazy person under the right set of circumstances. Sure maybe it was selfish of you go to allow yourself to get depressed over it, but you were there with your mother before her death. I think that means a lot.

I would think that your mom, knowing how strong she is as a person, probably feels bad for you and understands, and is not angry. She probably felt bad for you when you were in the hospital, not angry at you. Maybe you felt you could have been there for her more then, but I think you were there as much as you possibly could have been. Maybe if you hadn't gone to the hospital, you wouldn't have spent that much time with her before her death. Who knows. But she knew you cared.

So now you have to deal with this, and stop being mad at yourself for it. Like I said, I don't think your mom is mad at you. If you think she is, find out why you feel that way, and how you can remedy it. I'm sure in time you will realize that she will forgive anything that you feel you may have done wrong.

I think the dreams will continue this way until you figure it out too. The only dreams I've ever had of dead people mostly were that they were still alive, and happy. I have this one of my grandfather (who died) where he dies once and then is alive again, and then I know that next time he dies, I'll be able to handle it. You need to get through this to make peace with your mother - be happy for your dreams, I'm sure they're of some help to you.

Would you consider yourself depressed now? I hope you can get through this, you just have to face your fear in order to conquer it. And I'm sure your mom thought that you did enough, you're worried about it, which says something about you. If you can't face things, maybe professional help would be able to get you through it better.

Be well. :)