Hi everyone, just wanted to share my frustrations with you, I know I can find some listening ears here! Just my history, as you may know, I have 3 kids, aged 2, 5 and 7 and have been ttc for 2 yrs now. I have had 4 m/c, all early with the last one in Oct, I was 10 weeks pg. I can obviously fall pg, but we just don't know why I keep losing these babes so early. Maybe age is a factor as I am 40. Anyway, this last 2 yrs have been stressful, I always said I would give it 2 yrs, I feel like I have whittled away this time all for nothing.

I am really questioning my wanting another baby. My prioirites for wanting another have certainly changed in 2 yrs. From wanting 4 kids, to wanting another baby because I will feel like a failure if I can't. I sort of now feel like I want to just get pg, to experience that again, as I adore being pg. I am not taking into consideration the sleepless nights and going back to having a newborn again, and as it is I sometimes feel like I am not giving my 3 kids enough quality time as it is.

BUT the dilemna is, that I always wanted 4 kids and the thought of never being pg again, of not being able to enjoy the wonderful feelings associated with it, of not having that fantastic 3 days in hospital with my own beautiful newborn that I always cherish, fills me with dread. I think I am scared of moving on past the baby phase in my life, I waited til my mid 30s to have my babies, and I don't want that time to be over. I see a mum and baby and can't even remember what that was like, I want to have it again.

I sort of feel that we have given it our best try, that having all this trouble and losing babies - someone is trying to tell us something - maybe that we are just meant to have 3. I feel okay til something triggers me, like when I was throwing out my baby mags today, or hearing that my friend is having a girl (I was due the same time as her, when I had the last m/c) or seeing newborn again. I get that sad, longing feeling in my belly. I hope not to offend any ladies ttc for their first baby, but as you know if you want a baby, it doesn't matter if its your first or sixth!

I wish I could just make a decision, and get out of this limbo I feel I am in. I don't want to waste the precious time I have with my kids, on wanting something that won't ever happen. There are alot of things I am interested in that I should be doing while I am at home - thats another thing, it scares me to think about going back to work in a couple of yrs time, getting out of that baby phase again! I just feel at a loss right now. Thanks for listening. And I absolutely miss my little babes that I lost, that tears at me.

Oh marielle, my poor sister!! :( It breaks my heart to hear this, it truly does. And just to let you know, it does NOT AT ALL offend me, a lady trying for her first, to hear that you are so upset over trying for your fourth. Infertility, whether primary or secondary, in infertility and it hurts just the same. That's my opinion. :)

I am going to tell you something that you may not want to hear. So be warned. In my opinion, this is completely and totally your decision. I'm sorry, I knwo you don't want to hear that; but I don't feel right telling you yes, it's time, or no it's not.

I just feel really sad for you because of the position you are in. I know you aren't getting much outside support due to your sentence where you said that some people tell you that maybe 3 is enough for you, and what you are meant to have. But we support you here.

Just to me, now again I'm not telling you yes you're ready, or no you're not, but to me, it sounds like it isn't quite time to quit yet. You woudln't have felt so much remorse at throwing away the baby magazines if it was time now, I believe.

Maybe youshould do somethings to help you get your mind off of everything...maybe take up a class. Nothing to stressful, but something that gets your interest. There are SO many women who get pg in their 40s, so don't give up hope, dearest, there is still time.

In the end, the decision is up to you and DH. But I just have to say that it doens't sound like you are ready to give up just yet. It just sounds liek you need a bit of a break from the stress fo these past two years. Not a break from ttc, but you can can still ttc when you are enjoying a painting class for example. Maybe an extra hobby would do your body andmind a world of good. I think it would :angel:

Oh My Beautiful friend, thank you for your advice and good wishes. You are such an inspiration to me! Something also happened yesterday, I rang my IF dr who is 2 hrs away, and he answered the phone on an elephant in Shanghai:) yes he has officially retired! I know he was but not sure when, so I don't have a specialist to see now - the closest one is hours away. There is maybe one other dr close that I could see, for IUI treatment, so thats an option. See I can get pg, but can't get past 12 weeks, so my fear is that this will happen again.

So I have been thinking and will chat to DH tonight, and hopefully the plan will be, call this new dr when he gets back from holidays at the end of Jan, maybe give IUI one more try, then stop fertility treatment in March (2 yrs trying), and then just try on our own. Maybe just leave it up to whats meant to be, will be. I havent been on contraception for yrs so I just won't take that, and see what happens.

Then I can get on with things, and not let this IF consume me, and Princess I know what you are saying about doing something to take my mind off things, thats EXACTLY how I feel. There are so many things I want to do, I am really into scrapbooking, I do albums for the kids and haven't touched it in months, I love astronomy and want to look into that, and we are looking at buying a farm so I want to get that underway. Also I want to buy some old furniture and restore it. I haven't been doing these things because I have just wanted to be pg, but in my case, life has to just go on regardless.

I think that would be the way to go for me, because I don't want to spend all this yr doing fertility treatment and not concentrating on my kids. Its sort of like pushing TTC to the side, not focussing my entire life on it. I am going to work towards this plan, I just feel I need to make a decision. I am very blessed with what I have and sometimes that is pushed aside, and that shouldn't happen. Love and best wishes to you

Mariella,

I can see how all of this is tearing up at you, and I am so sorry!!! I wish I could give you the answer, but I agree with Princess that this is something that you and DH will have to come to a decision with together and do what is best for you. It does sound to me though, that at this point, your desire to become pregnant and to have another child is still so strong.

I cannot believe that your doctor picked up the phone while on vacation (and on an elephant in Shanghai - how cool!) -- I am sorry, though that he has retired, and hope that you are able to see the other doctor that you know of if you decide to try IUI.

My thoughts are with you, and I sincerely hope that you and DH are able to come to a decision (your plan sounds like a good one!) that you feel at peace with. I wish you all the best of luck!

Love,
Kelley

Hi Mariella! How are you feeling today? Did you get a chance to tlak with DH?

Ooh, your doctor really did retire! And on an elephant in Shanghai---- he really is living life to the fullest! :D I'm sorry though, that your closest specialiste is so far away.

I really am interested to hear what DH has to say abotu all of this. I think your hobbies sound really interesting!! I love scrapbooks, but I am not very good at doing them.... it always looks so chidlish...dripping white glue and glitter thrown everywhere and fingerprints. I don't know what gets on my figers to leave the prints, but soemthing does. :o But I am so glad you are thinking about revisiting one of your hobbies. :)

I hope the conversation went well, and I can't wait to hear it. :)

(((hugs)))) Gigi