Hello all,

I guess I just really need to let all this out; I tend to just talk to my boyfriend about it, but between school, work, and the play he's in, he's inaccessible for about 14 hours every day.

This winter has been incredibly bad for me. Over vacation, I switched from a Prozac/Lithium cocktail to Lamictal. Before I could get an actual prescription for it though, I went back to school, where it is nearly impossible to get the medical treatment I need. I've been trying to stretch my sample pack to keep me on a semi-steady dose, but I'm all out now (and my pdoc at home is conveniently on vacation once again).

What really gets to me is that in all the years I've been bipolar, I've never let it affect my school work. I'm in a very competitive program at my college that is centered around individual meetings with the professor; every week, I have to write a five page paper on the reading I've done.

Well, week one in the quarter, I found out that my dad had been hospitalized for a panic attacks. Weeks two and three I was immobilized with depression. I seriously couldn't get out of bed until about 12 am the night before my paper was due.

Consequently, I have been getting B+ on all my papers. In any other course, I'd be relieved or only slightly disappointed. In this course, a B+ is like a C-. I'm not exaggerating: if you get anything under a B in these classes, you are required to have a one-on-one conversation with the Dean of the College.

So here I am, needing to write my paper for this week. I'm withdrawing from the the Lamictal that I would take if I could, I'm sicker than a dog with a head and chest cold, and I'm hosting a week-long program for my dorm that is eating up all my time. I don't see any A papers coming out of this situation.

So, I'm back in the dumps. Honestly, the only reason that I'm not in bed sobbing is my bed is covered in laundry.

Hi there.
You sound like me...bent out of shape and not in a happy frame of mind. I was diagnosed with type 1 bipolar at 15 along with OCD and DID. I am also currently not medicated. I understand your jumbled thoughts. I too have a crowded head through most of my days. Have you ever tried journaling? I know, it sounds kiddish, but it does work. It is a safe and healthy way to clear your head. It doesnt always work, if its even for you, but I figured that I would drop it by you. Another thing that might help...do your instructors know about your illness? Im not saying to use your bipolar as an excuse, but if they had an idea, maybe they could work with you to manage your schedule/schoolwork. I had that problem myself in college and after talking to my intructors they helped me find less stressful ways to manage my time when it came to school. I do know that what works for some doesnt work for all and for all I know you are a private person who would rather not disclose that type of info to 'almost-strangers', but hopefully I have given some good advice and if you ever need to talk i am here...Hopefully you can get your head clear and get back to everyday life. You will be in my thoughts

Hi Kate. Welcome to the boards! :D Nice to meet a fellow college student. Well, if you can call me one that is. I have failed the last 2 years of college due to bipolar disorder. This coming from a person who had a 4.0 through her junior year of college and was in the honors program with a double major. I was also in music programs and worked nearly full-time. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm not that person anymore. I can barely handle one or two classes per semester and usually end up being hospitalized at some point and then failing yet again. You are so lucky to be doing well in school and getting good grades (even if a B+ is a C in your program, a C is passing at least!!!).

You're lucky you're able to handle so much. But here's a thought. If it's too much for you then maybe you could cut back on some other obligations or go to school part-time or something. I guess we have to know our limitations and if it is affecting your health then it is time for a change.

First, I am glad you found this place. The people here are so wonderful and helpful. Second, you sound entirely overwhelmed right now and going without meds is not going to help. Does your pdoc have someone who fills in while on vacation, or another office on call to treat patients? I cannot imagine them letting your meds run out without finding someone to call in a refill. Out of curiosity, why did you switch yourself to Lamictal? Was the cocktail not helping? Does your pdoc know you changed meds? As for school, I would have to say that classes and class work take priority over hosting something in a dorm. Pass that duty to someone else or cancel it all together. It is not worth it to end up lowering your grade which will stress you more. Big hugs. I hope you make it through.:)

Thanks for all the advice, everyone.

Klyn- my pdoc put me on the Lamictal because I have a severe needle phobia. I was on Prozac and Lithium, but when I found out that Lithium requires routine blood work, I freaked out.

The receptionists at my pdoc's like to take things into their own hands, which is very bad for me. The policy at that office is not to prescribe or refill if a patient hasn't seen the doctor in the past 3 months. I am an exception because I'm at school. But the receptionists look at my schedule and tell me I can't have a refill. They won't even put me through to my pdoc because they don't want to "bother" her with a call from a truant patient. I have to really fight for it.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm not that person anymore.

Thank you for putting that into words. I've been feeling the same way. Always the over-achiever, once I was diagnosed I...well, I guess I'm still getting used to the idea - I found it impossible to regain the confidence I had before. I lost several jobs, lost my mojo...and hear from family and friends how I'm not "the Erin they know and love". That's a hard thing to hear. It's right up there with "not the person I fell in love with"...I have my good days when everything I touch turns to gold, and days when everything is falling to hell around me. Even when I'm on my meds and exercising and doing everything right. But the key difference now is that I know that there's a reason for it. Yes, I'm hot and cold, totally rocking at work and then can't even bother to try and look busy - But now it's, well, I wont say Better for Me, But I understand what's going on even if I can't always control it. The biggest hurdle for me has been simply admitting it. And I still haven't conquered asking for help when things start to turn sour. I am working on not thinking of myself or my disease as an enemy. I'm who and how I am and what I need to do (easier said than done) is to manage it. Just doing what Im supposed to...taking my meds right, not drinking, not flirting, therapy, Meetings...gets to seem like it's ruling my life and I want my life back. These thought are defeatist. I wont have a life worth anything if I don't do these things. It's like there are two of me fighting for territory in this little head of mine. So I've joined here to try to be better about not getting out of control and being accepting about who I am now.

I'm so sorry we all have to deal with this. But we have to or it will ruin us. All of the love we have for others; we have to remember to treat ourselves like we would them. It's so much easier to focus on others, to think of myself as "before and after". But if we would accept a loved one for who and how they are, it's OK to think of ourselves as OK for who and how we are. It's not going to be easy. But I'll be here to try to make you all smile when you need it and to be honest about myself when I should be. Luck, love, and good decisions. EC

Hi Erin, nice to meet you! What a sweet, heartfelt message. Thank you for posting that. I am glad that we can relate here.\

It really hit home when you said, "It's so much easier to focus on others, to think of myself as "before and after"." That is almost exactly what I said to my psychologist the other day! But I like what you said about accepting ourselves as OK.

Thank you so much for your post! I look forward to reading more of your posts! :)

Erin Glad to have you on here. What you wrote was so touching. You do have to take good care of your self in order to help others. You sound like a person with a huge heart. Sassy:wave: