I'm just now coming to terms with my brother's death. He was stationed in Iraq. A roadside bomb killed him and our beloved dog, Cooper. He was in the 94th Mine Dog Detachment. They died late summer last year, and I've been in denial. I was in so much denial, I never believed he was dead, and I waited for his letters. I never went to the funeral, because I never accepted the death. And now that I am starting to accept the death, I am beating myself up for not going to the funeral. And I want to know his last words, and if he was in pain. I get so emotional just even thinking about it, like now, just writing this is making me cry. How can I make it up to my brother about not showing up to the funeral? This isnt the way it was supposed be, and now I am empty handed while being so lost on what to do. My doctor referred me to a grief councelor, but I couldnt be "penciled in" til later this month. Doctor also put me on antidepressants and valium. But I'm still not sleeping, I'm still not breaking down and crying over every little thing. To make things more odd, I've tooken to hugging my dentist out of the blue (I had oral surgery and had complications so I am in there every 2 days for a few weeks). He has the same personality as my brother, and its like I am trying to replace him with a living one. Is this normal? Is this apart of the grief process? I never was close to the dentist nor even hugged him til last month when I started accepting the death. What is going on with me?

Please post on one Board only. Grief & Loss Board is the appropriate place for this topic.

I'm just now coming to terms with my brother's death. He was stationed in Iraq. A roadside bomb killed him and our beloved dog, Cooper. He was in the 94th Mine Dog Detachment. They died late summer last year, and I've been in denial. I was in so much denial, I never believed he was dead, and I waited for his letters. I never went to the funeral, because I never accepted the death. And now that I am starting to accept the death, I am beating myself up for not going to the funeral. And I want to know his last words, and if he was in pain. I get so emotional just even thinking about it, like now, just writing this is making me cry. How can I make it up to my brother about not showing up to the funeral? This isnt the way it was supposed be, and now I am empty handed while being so lost on what to do. My doctor referred me to a grief councelor, but I couldnt be "penciled in" til later this month. Doctor also put me on antidepressants and valium. But I'm still not sleeping, I'm still not breaking down and crying over every little thing. To make things more odd, I've tooken to hugging my dentist out of the blue (I had oral surgery and had complications so I am in there every 2 days for a few weeks). He has the same personality as my brother, and its like I am trying to replace him with a living one. Is this normal? Is this apart of the grief process? I never was close to the dentist nor even hugged him til last month when I started accepting the death. What is going on with me?

Monkey,
Missing your brother's funeral was nothing bad at all. your brother understands (yes, he still lives on in another dimension) that you did it out of denial and pain. He doesn't have any ill feelings toward you for not showing up at the wedding.
Its o.k to hug your dentist. Monkey, one thing you have to realize is that this life is very temporary and all of us must one day pass away. no exceptions(Ecclesiastes 3:2). its only a matter of when. another thing, take comfort in the fact that time heals all wounds, and this grief process will pass with time too(Ecc 3:4).
Jesus cried when Lazurs, his friend died. the shortest verse in the bible is actually 'Jesus wept'. this was in response to his friend's death. Ask God to heal your heart; He is the one who gave you your family (and brother) in the first place. I pray that God will reveal to you in a dream taht all is okey with your brother and that you shouldn't need to worry.

Everything happens for a reason. you, not going to the funeral and not hearing his last words was never meant to be. believe me. there are no real mistakes. your grief might have actually been prolonged if you attended the funeral, who knows. he might not have any last words to tell you. don't worry too much about what you cannot control.
your brother was a hero. May God keep him in heaven while he awaits you. He knows its only a heartbeat before you join him (this life is that short in the light of eternity!)

I'm just now coming to terms with my brother's death. He was stationed in Iraq. A roadside bomb killed him and our beloved dog, Cooper. He was in the 94th Mine Dog Detachment. They died late summer last year, and I've been in denial. I was in so much denial, I never believed he was dead, and I waited for his letters. I never went to the funeral, because I never accepted the death. And now that I am starting to accept the death, I am beating myself up for not going to the funeral. And I want to know his last words, and if he was in pain. I get so emotional just even thinking about it, like now, just writing this is making me cry. How can I make it up to my brother about not showing up to the funeral? This isnt the way it was supposed be, and now I am empty handed while being so lost on what to do. My doctor referred me to a grief councelor, but I couldnt be "penciled in" til later this month. Doctor also put me on antidepressants and valium. But I'm still not sleeping, I'm still not breaking down and crying over every little thing. To make things more odd, I've tooken to hugging my dentist out of the blue (I had oral surgery and had complications so I am in there every 2 days for a few weeks). He has the same personality as my brother, and its like I am trying to replace him with a living one. Is this normal? Is this apart of the grief process? I never was close to the dentist nor even hugged him til last month when I started accepting the death. What is going on with me?

4:22! i pray that you will get well soon and that the Holy Spirit will heal your heart from your pain. You are not alone. and never blame yourself for anything. there is nothing you could have done.

Monkey,
I am sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my Dad 35 years ago, when I was 11. I think of him often and the hurt never goes away. I did many of the same things that you did, and I think you are normal. I refused to believe my dad was dead, in my mind if I didn't go to the funeral, then I could rationalize that I was just waiting for him to come home from the hospital. I was used to him being in the hospital for a couple months at a time, and this time I could just pretend he was still there.
I also starting looking for a surrogate Dad, just like you have started hugging your dentist. I actually got lucky (God looking out for me ?) and found a great coach who ended up giving me a job and looking after me until I was grown. It gave me someone to look up to and become lifelong friends with. But I still really miss my Dad 35 years later. I cope by trying to remember the great things about him and incorporating those great things into my life. That is the best thing that you can do...remember your brother and what made him special, and try to be like him in those ways. I do things, like plant a garden, just like my Dad showed me. It makes me feel like he continues to be remembered and continues to have an impact on the world. Your brother's death will never be easy; don't feel like it has to be. Think about how he would want you to live, and honor him by living well and treating yourself and others well.