I have wondered long and hard as to how one can have a debilitating illness or more than one illness and not be depressed. I find that my physical limitations are very depressive as I once was a very active and productive person in the community and workplace. I know that for all practical purposes, my life as it has been in years past is over.

I no longer feel able to enjoy the activities that I once loved, such as sitting on the local high school bleachers and watching my children and those of my community perform; sewing both for enjoyment and necessity; being able to say "I will or I can" and being able to follow through without having to back out because of health issues. I have to forgo being a dependable person or being able to keep my word. I have no pride in being productive now as I feel if I can bathe and dress, then I am too tired to do anything else. I know that as an active individual in years past, my worse fear was that I would not be able to work and provide for my family. Now I cannot even provide for myself.
These thoughts are ever present and they haunt me.

Illness robs the spirit of those who took pride in their lives. How can one feel pride when you realize that there can now be no new experiences, comraderie at work and play, participation in one's community, church, etc? I know that my worst fear is that I may never be able to say I have a good tired feeling of some accomplishment. How do those of you cope when all seems lost? I miss the "real" me.

It's hard I know, but I guess I can cope sometimes by just accepting how I am now, disabled physically. I have had mental illness since I was born. I didn't know you could go on disibiltity for all of my mental illnesses until I was 49. When I applied for disablity then, I was denied, denied and denied and then denied by the judge yet all the other people who went to the same mental health center I did was on disability. Ofcourse them my depression got so bad I tried to commit suicide and ended up as an inpatient for awhile. Then when I got physically disabled from so many things I have been waiting for my decision for years now while people with less wrong with them are on disability. Is it the way I hold my head or what heh.
Seriously though:
I cope by me and my disabled husband trying to get things done together and by taking care of all my rescued dogs I saved before I became physically disabled and the thing that keeps me going most is my son who gives me hope and faith everyday through his belief in God and all good things.

goldfm...Your post really touched my heart.It was as though you were describing my thoughts and frustrations.Especially about "missing" your former self.I have often described it as "part of me has died".I grieve for the woman I was and the things I could do.I want "me" back!
It does get depressing.I have alot of anxiety and frustration over my limitations.It is disheartening.
I have had to adjust my way of thinking and develop a different perspective.

My son 18 and autistic has been such a comfort for me.He helps me around the house with chores,cooking,shopping etc...I thank GOD for him everyday.
He has such a good spirit.
I try to focus on what I CAN do and not focus on what I CAN'T do.It is not always easy.I pray alot.
One of the most difficult experiences for me have been how people percieve my disability.Times like this let you know who your true friends are....and which "family members" really do care.My take on this has been...
"When it matters...most will scatter".MB

Hi all-I would guess that most people in our situation go through some type of depression. So, I think 1st of all, knowing that, helped me to realize that it wasn't me just feeling a self pitty. I also see a psychologist who specialized in Chronic Pain. Not only did she specialize in pain, but both she and her daughter had chronic pain, due to medical problems. So, she understood 1st had.

1 of the best suggestions she gave me was that for herself, as the day goes on and as the week goes on, her pain is the worst in the afternoon/eve and from mid-week to the end. So, when she makes her schedule or when a pt. makes an appnt., she schedules anything that would require any physicl activity either Mon-Wed. AM and that way she did that when she was at her best, and then had counseling sessions in the afternoons, when she could sit. I have started to do the same thing. Anything physical that I need to do, I do it in the morning...when I am in the least amount of pain.

I also have accepted that I can not make plans, because I may not be feeling up to it, when the time comes. When I get asked if I can do something, I tell the other person that I would love to (and I tell them when I have the least pain) and I tell them that I will have to call them that day to verify if I can come or not.

Also, I have gotten use to using adaptation devices throughout my day, so it makes things easier to do.

As for church, the pastor has told me that I should sit on the outside isle and get up and leave when Im in pain. Someone saw and purchased a foot stool, and they keep it under the pew that I sit at. The pastor also said that I could sit in the very back (where the sound system is and it is usually ropped off to people). That way, I can lay down, stand up, walk around, and sit. The paster can not see that far back, so he said I wont distract him. The other day, he said something that has stuck with me. He said that if I dn't come to church, it is not because I can not do it, it is because I don't want to do it. It is all how I choose to look at it. There are accomodations that can be made in many areas of my life. If I don't take advantage of them, then its just me not wanting to change. But if I choose to use the accomodations, then I can do the activities.

I still call my pain theripist when I get down and go in to see her. Right now, I am getting to the point that it is difficult for me to shower and wash my hair. I am not ready to accept that and I don't want a stranger comming into my house to help me bathe. So, this is one of those depressive times. I decided that I would much rather pay to go to the super cuts and have them wash my hair once a week. I can shower carefully as long as I can keep 1 hand on the wall.

sorry this is so long, but I hope that some of the info. can be useful to someone, as it has really helped me.

Best of luck to everyone.

Lorie:angel: