Why do people think that saying " well, they lived a long live. They lived a good life. They were happy. She is old, it's her time." etc. etc. etc. is a good thing to say to people dealing with a dying loved one.
My grandmother is 89 years old and currently in the ICU. She is dying...no sugar coating it...this is the end. She practically raised me, she is closer to me than my own mother. And we shared a bond. I am 34 years old and dealing with the biggest loss so far. This is the first time I've lost someone so close. Yes, I've lost another grandparent and two aunts, however, I was not close with them. I share a history with my Grandma and it means a lot.
Why is it that people seem to shrug off my grief when they find out that she's enduring her last days. I've had co-workers, friends, husband, even family make comments such as " well, you know she's old, she was going to die anyway." or " She lead a good life, just accept it." or " you need to just get over this and move one. She is old, it's her time." I am tired of these hurtful comments. Yes, she is 89. No, she can't live forever. I know this. But I do not feel you are ever fully prepared to let loved ones leave...end of story. She did have a good life...but this doesn't make it hurt any less. Also, I have been with her in the ICU for the past few days watching her fight for each breath and endure pain, and no one seems to get that this is traumatizing for me. Still, the same comments, for some reason people around me seem to think that because she is "old" that death was going to happen anyway, so I have no right to be sad. Perhaps I"m a bit into the anger part of the grieving process, but still it hurts me so that people can be so insensitive, even when they don't always mean to. Why is this?

[COLOR="Navy"]Alot of it is because they don't know what else to say. Death isn't a normal part of our society anymore. People are sent to the hospital or nursning home to die. Rarely are folks gathered around their loved ones to spend their last moments with them to say their farewells as they leave their earthly remains. Few people know what it is like to sit with a loved one as they leave us. Hence, they don't know what to say to you.

People are uncomfortable with death so they say the trite things that they think they should say. They hope that it will be the correct thing, or perhaps it is the thing that they feel most comfortable saying to you. I certainly don't think that they mean any disrepect to you by saying it, but it is more of the only thing that they can think of. And death makes them very uncomfortable. They don't know WHAT to say, so whatever pops into their head is the first thing out of their mouth.

I lost my mom and my dad within 5 weeks of each other last fall so I am well acquainted with the inanne things that people can say. Try to cut them some slack and just accept it as an attempt to try and give you some comfort.

I do offer my dympathy. Losing your grandmother is difficult. Watching her struggle is heart wretching. I wasn't with Daddy when we lost him, but I sat by Momma for 3 days and nights until she died and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm an orphan now. I miss her every day that I wake up. She had alzheimers I had really lost her for the 5 years previous to her passing, but that didn't make it any easier.

May you find peace and comfort in the memory of the love of your grandmother. Her guardian angel will watch over you....

Hi there,
People say those sort of comments normally because they just don't know what to say to you, my husband was recently killed in a car crash, i never got to say goodbye and spend the last few days, weeks or what ever time with him.
I know it will be hard for you, so right now say everything you have always needed to say to her, I know you probably already have, but cherish the last moments.
These people don't really know what there talking about when there saying that stuff, I think you seem stong enough to ignore to crap that comes out of there mouths, keep you head up high and know people are always thinking of you, I hope your grandmother journey will be swift with no pain.
My heart goes out to you.

I totally agree. I don't know why people say those things. A few days after my son passed away a friend said well you have other kids. Then later she called to see how I was then said her daughter was being a pain in the butt do I need another kid???
I told her YES I want my SON BACK. and hung up I was so upset.

Hi,
I do agree with the others who have posted, People don't know what to say. They is no magic word that can fix your pain and what is happening is out of there control, they cannot fix it or make it go away. Now me, I say I'm so sorry and just give a long hug, but there are also stupid people who do say things that are so insesitve, they might as well say nothing at all. if fact it would be better. It's so hard to say good-bye and I'm sorry for the saddness, I lost my Dad 7 years ago, I think of him everyday. I really miss him at Christmas, he loved Christmas, love the family coming over, totally enjoyed the Hoilday. He will always be a part of me.
Karen W.

When my friends dad died, one of his friends thought it would be funny to make fun of him about it.(his friend is a homosexual, which ties into the story) so his friend went up to him and started a normal conversation - you know, like "hey, what's up?" "how was your day?" sorta stuff. But then his friend said, "You're a fatass." Not meaning to be rude, my friend said, "at least i'm not gay.." and then his friend said, "at least I have a dad."

My friend is strong and muscular. He could of easily crushed that little puke, but he didn't. When he told me about it, I went up to his friend and convinced him to apologize. His dad was a very good man. He was a volunter fire-fighter, and was liked by everyone. His sudden death has drawn tears to my face since it has happened - seven years ago. I think about him on May 31 because that was the day he died.

my reply probably wont help you out, but i thought i'd share my friends story with you. No matter what people tell you, you should still remember your loved one's death to heart and cherish all the memories you shared.

Hello S,

People tend to use the phrases that have been handed down from generation-to-generation.

Instead of saying something original, it is easier to say what remains commonplace in our society.

I will leave you with something both original and heartfelt:

I know you're going through a rough time right now. May the Lord help ease the sorrow you are feeling and provide you with every opportunity to feel comfort.

You are in my prayers, as are all God's children.

Take care.

Phoenix

When my Grandma died - or was dying - I stroked the cool skin on her wasted arm. She had Alzheimer's and didn't remember us. The nurses said she was unresponsive. I stood there and listened to her rattly breathing anyway, annoyed at the squeaky shoes in the hallway, aching with Mrs. S's "tell me where?!"s. No one answered her but with a well-intentioned "who?" All the while Grandma lay dying. I kissed her goodbye. Her glazing eyes fell toward then on mine and in a few seconds we said all the hellos, goodbyes, I'm sorrys and I love you. She found and pressed my hand and in hers was a keychain, just a little Santa Claus keychain, but our hands gently clasped around it and each other's until her eyes fell from mine back into their dimming world. The keychain was barely warm in my palm, I still have it.

Often, people yammer in trying to console you. I think sharing a death is a very personal experience. I can't console you so I won't try. My words would fall short and assume something that isn't right: I did not share life with you or your grandmother, I cannot share your pain. .. You feel what you feel and it is right.

I truley believe that anyone that has reached the end of life stage of there journey can hear their loved ones when they are presant and also can feel their touch. I would encourage everyone to not hesitate in talking with their loved ones right to the end.

Sometimes silence and carressing, a smile and holding a hand is all that is needed in consoling ones loss, Words are often uncomfortable sounding and unimportant.

I agree with the other posters that sometimes people are ignorant and just don't know what to say!

I can only imagine what you are going through!!

I am 47 years old and I still have my grandma. She will be 99 in October and still has all her faculties especially her memory.

I have had her in my life for 47 years. I am very very close to her and I sit on her every word.

I know that she is not going to be with me much longer but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I will mourn like I've never mourned before. I will miss her more than any one could ever imagine.

I am so very thankful that she has lived a very full and wonderful life and I feel blessed that I was able to have her this long BUT the PAIN of losing her will not lessen for quite some time.

I am so very sorry about your grandma. I send many many hugs to you