Hi everyone-

Guess this is a good place to make my first post. I'll try to keep this short (like that's gonna happen).

Since the age of five, much before that I didn't have memory of being an individual, I have believed and felt that I didn't belong in this world.

I was born two months premature, was terribly sick, phneomia (spelling) x2, and diagnosed diabetic at 18 months (blood glucose over 1k). From this point on, I was considered short, pretty weak and lacking in coordination and was the kid in school that the "cool" crowd loved to harrass. (god! sounds like a soap opera).

I hated myself, felt always on the outside of anything, always looked at the world from a negative, feared angle and daily, all day off and on, wished I didn't exist and later as an adult, wanted to die.

3 suicide attempts- one was serious. The other two attempts, I checked into an emergency rehap (7 day), and wound up having to leave after 3 days because of family (parents and siblings) pressure not to take care of my two young kids, and finances.

I went into d/a treatment program (30 days), discovered 10 years later I wasn't a druggy or alcoholic. Have been clean and sober for 19 years now= my family all in recovery from alcoholism so I don't dare see if there is an addiction line for me... Entered a longterm outpatient intensive care mental health program (DBT) and had been in that for 9 years. Left for a year and lost everything I had gained, am critical, judgemental, depressed, non-caring blah blah.. and have now reentered the same program.

I discovered I need the structure, the walls of a physical/mental accountablility of a group/individual therapy or I wind up falling apart in a short period.

My goal? To lose the overriding FEAR (terror to me) of daily life, secondarily deal with the idea I don't belong in this life, and then perhaps- learn to live and enjoy who, and what I am.

Guess that's kinda a short story for me....