ced
03-19-2008, 08:06 PM
If I get it down on paper and say it to others then maybe I can think it through and it won’t hold me back anymore. Help me out for those of you who can relate. I hope you’re out there. I really do. I’m so tired and too sad to go on this way anymore and I need to make a change. I don’t talk to others about this for fear of sounding crazy. Here goes: I’m in my early 40s and all of my life has been lived overweight. In high school I was a size 13 and all my friends were 5/6. I was the “chubby” one. It’s not until now that I realize what that did for me, the weight that is. How it held me in and protected me from others. I too had the dysfunctional upbringing with an alcoholic father and a screaming mother and they were two people who should have never walked down the isle. But, I digress….it’s now that I realized that this was my drug. It’s now that I realize for the first time that I’m truly addicted to food. I’ve always said that I don’t really like food and I still think that’s true. It just serves the ultimate purpose for me and that’s to sedate me and to change the way I feel. I’ve never dealt with anything growing up. I ran from most everything. Ran to food mostly. Got married early at 22 and over the years gained weight. Oh, I had a brief period of time before I got pregnant where I lost 70 lbs on Weight Watchers, but that was short lived and never to happen again. I’m approximately 100 lbs overweight now. Gosh, that was really hard to write and hard to see in writing. I mean, I’ve said it in my mind forever, but seeing it is truly believing it. Anyway, here’s the delusional part and thanks for staying with me so far……what if I finally lose weight and I’m so disappointed with how much time I’ve lost in my life and how many things I haven’t done because of my weight issue? I know that sounds weird, because I say….just do it and don’t worry about it. But, I really do think there’s a big part of me that sabotages me for fear of being successful for one and two for being completely regretful. But why would I choose to stay here in this present state of mind just because I’m fearful of how I may be disappointed? And there’s the other side of me that says…what if I lose weight and then something bad happens to me and I don’t get to really experience the joy of being thin? You see what I mean? Is that pure craziness?? I know there’s no way to find out except to do it, but I don’t know how to move past it. When I had lost weight before it was mainly because I was on my feet for 12 hours a day almost 7 days a week. The weight loss came from mostly just exercise. Not voluntary exercise, but exercise just from moving around at work. Anyway..I hope there are others that feel the way I do. Thanks for reading.
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Abadoo
03-19-2008, 08:29 PM
Your childhood sounds much like mine except I was not overweight. I always give up when I get close to the end of my goals & I hate competition ?? I'll give up before I'll compete :confused: Maybe has something to do with that childhood. I've never really thought about it truthfully. I think everyone has had a hard childhood to some degree & dwelling on it would never do anything except hurt me :confused: Anyway maybe you just need to take it one day at a time think of it as I'm going to do this today no matter what tom brings.At least today you can feel good about doing it instead of thinking about maybe I should.Just push yourself forward & take that first step. Alot of our fears / concerns stall us but I do think if you want something bad enough you can overcome all that. Don't let the convos in your head defeat you ;) I know my head tells me to do some stupid stuff & I have to tell it to shut up alot ;)
rheanna
03-20-2008, 05:48 AM
No, ced, it's not delusional.
Food has been your comfort for a long time. It's scary to think about giving up something that is so much a part of us. It becomes part of our very identity. If I give up this habit/crutch/comfort, then what have I got left? Will there still be enough of me left to be worthwhile? Will I be a worthwhile person at all? Will I be able to handle life when things feel threatening or painful?
My suggestion is not to think in terms of giving up something that has served you so well for so many years. My suggestion is to look for other things to replace it with. What does food do for you? I hear a couple of things in your post. One, the food itself is comforting when the world around you is threatening. Two, the extra "padding" that you carry on your body can act as a psychological buffer to keep the painful things from getting too close.
There are other ways besides eating to combat the scariness of feeling helpless and unloved. As you take steps to learn how to be strong without turning to food as a crutch, the weight will take care of itself. You have made a wonderful start by admitting this to yourself. :angel:
It may be that, now that you have identified the link between food and your childhood, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist might help. Or, writing in a journal, or, of course, writing here. :)
I too came from a disfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother's father was an alcoholic. I also felt that the world was painful and I looked for various ways to keep the pain from getting too great. It took a long time for me to re-learn that I could actually have power over many of the outside events in my life. I have not replaced all of my crutches, but I do recognise when I'm using one.
You have admitted something that feels very painful. But the very same admission opens up the possibility to heal. I'm proud of you!
--Rheanna
Food has been your comfort for a long time. It's scary to think about giving up something that is so much a part of us. It becomes part of our very identity. If I give up this habit/crutch/comfort, then what have I got left? Will there still be enough of me left to be worthwhile? Will I be a worthwhile person at all? Will I be able to handle life when things feel threatening or painful?
My suggestion is not to think in terms of giving up something that has served you so well for so many years. My suggestion is to look for other things to replace it with. What does food do for you? I hear a couple of things in your post. One, the food itself is comforting when the world around you is threatening. Two, the extra "padding" that you carry on your body can act as a psychological buffer to keep the painful things from getting too close.
There are other ways besides eating to combat the scariness of feeling helpless and unloved. As you take steps to learn how to be strong without turning to food as a crutch, the weight will take care of itself. You have made a wonderful start by admitting this to yourself. :angel:
It may be that, now that you have identified the link between food and your childhood, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist might help. Or, writing in a journal, or, of course, writing here. :)
I too came from a disfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother's father was an alcoholic. I also felt that the world was painful and I looked for various ways to keep the pain from getting too great. It took a long time for me to re-learn that I could actually have power over many of the outside events in my life. I have not replaced all of my crutches, but I do recognise when I'm using one.
You have admitted something that feels very painful. But the very same admission opens up the possibility to heal. I'm proud of you!
--Rheanna
ced
03-20-2008, 10:48 AM
Wow! That was nice of both of you to respond and give me your take on all of this. Such great pieces of advice and I'm so glad that I put myself out there for once. Abadoo, I will take your advice and take this one day at a time and tell myself that I'm doing this today no matter what tomorrow brings. I have no choice other than to do that because the old way just isn't working for me anymore. And Rheanna, I do believe what you're saying about finding something to replace it with, is the secret. Thank you also for saying that you're proud of me, I haven't heard or felt that in a very long time. :)
rheanna
03-21-2008, 05:10 AM
ced,
You're welcome! :)
After writing the post above, it started a chain of thought in me. I wondered why I felt compelled to respond to you. I consider myself not so much over-weight, but under-exercised. :) But your description of your family rang a lot of bells in my head.
In fact after I wrote I could even hear echos of my father telling me that unless I was going to do something perfectly, there was no point in wasting my time on it. I realize that I apply this to exercise, along with lots of other things in my life that I would love to dabble in. Basically, because of this instruction that took hold in my brain before I reached the age of reason, my brain keeps telling me the same thing even though I'm just shy of 59 years old now. So I avoid doing things that would be fun (get some exercise, paint, sew, knit, etc) because those things would go against the messages that are deep within me. I can't speak for others, but this is my "fear of success" that others have alluded to -- "success" means being an Olympic athlete, or a Rembrandt painter, or a famous designer of clothes for the wealthy, or a <insert world-class knitting icon here>. Dabbling for fun just isn't allowed.
On the other hand, there is something wonderfully freeing about seeing this in print. I have made a great amount of change in my life in counter-acting some of the other programming from my childhood. By spelling out this particular programming line, I have the opportunity to look at it and find some other programming message to put into its place. "Dabbling is also success".
In regards to exercise, which is more my problem than truly overeating, I start to think of getting up and going for a walk or putting one of my many (unused) exercise DVDs into the player, or even laying on the bed and doing a few crunches -- and then my brain races ahead and I think about how I should be jogging instead of walking but I'm too out of condition for that so what's the point -- and I think about how I get so tired from the exercise tapes and I don't want to over-exert myself so I'll just sit here at the computer and tense up my muscles instead of moving them -- and so because I can't be "perfect" at my exercise I don't do aything at all.
So, I am going to try to replace my programming line of having to do things "perfectly" with "movement of any sort is success!".
You are also working with programming that got into your brain before you reached the age of reason. This is really hard to re-train, because it becomes an integral part of who you are and is largely unconscious. But it can be done, once you become conscious of it. It just takes a lot of repetition.
Again, I'm proud of you. You may not know yet just how to make changes in your life. But you have done two things -- you have made some conscious connections with your childhood programming, and you have made the attempt to reach out for help -- which in my experience really means asking other people for another way of looking at things when I've become stuck in ways that aren't helping any more. Thank you for posting on this topic!
--Rheanna
You're welcome! :)
After writing the post above, it started a chain of thought in me. I wondered why I felt compelled to respond to you. I consider myself not so much over-weight, but under-exercised. :) But your description of your family rang a lot of bells in my head.
In fact after I wrote I could even hear echos of my father telling me that unless I was going to do something perfectly, there was no point in wasting my time on it. I realize that I apply this to exercise, along with lots of other things in my life that I would love to dabble in. Basically, because of this instruction that took hold in my brain before I reached the age of reason, my brain keeps telling me the same thing even though I'm just shy of 59 years old now. So I avoid doing things that would be fun (get some exercise, paint, sew, knit, etc) because those things would go against the messages that are deep within me. I can't speak for others, but this is my "fear of success" that others have alluded to -- "success" means being an Olympic athlete, or a Rembrandt painter, or a famous designer of clothes for the wealthy, or a <insert world-class knitting icon here>. Dabbling for fun just isn't allowed.
On the other hand, there is something wonderfully freeing about seeing this in print. I have made a great amount of change in my life in counter-acting some of the other programming from my childhood. By spelling out this particular programming line, I have the opportunity to look at it and find some other programming message to put into its place. "Dabbling is also success".
In regards to exercise, which is more my problem than truly overeating, I start to think of getting up and going for a walk or putting one of my many (unused) exercise DVDs into the player, or even laying on the bed and doing a few crunches -- and then my brain races ahead and I think about how I should be jogging instead of walking but I'm too out of condition for that so what's the point -- and I think about how I get so tired from the exercise tapes and I don't want to over-exert myself so I'll just sit here at the computer and tense up my muscles instead of moving them -- and so because I can't be "perfect" at my exercise I don't do aything at all.
So, I am going to try to replace my programming line of having to do things "perfectly" with "movement of any sort is success!".
You are also working with programming that got into your brain before you reached the age of reason. This is really hard to re-train, because it becomes an integral part of who you are and is largely unconscious. But it can be done, once you become conscious of it. It just takes a lot of repetition.
Again, I'm proud of you. You may not know yet just how to make changes in your life. But you have done two things -- you have made some conscious connections with your childhood programming, and you have made the attempt to reach out for help -- which in my experience really means asking other people for another way of looking at things when I've become stuck in ways that aren't helping any more. Thank you for posting on this topic!
--Rheanna