Hey guys,
I've been under some serious stress lately. My Mom (who gives me the sub.) told my Father that i was presently on the subutex. He flipped out and started a HUGE war and involved my sister and brother. My sister called me threatening me to baker act me, basically calling me a bad mother already, and my father has been saying and doing the most hurtful things. I've come to the decision that i HAVE to tell my doctor, and have an apt. w/him next Tuesday to sit down w/my hubby and tell him. As you all know, i've been burdened with this for the past 5 months, not knowing what to do and being scared out of my mind at what the doctor will say. He knows NOTHING of sub., and i'm afraid he'll make me stop CT and i'll lose this baby.
Everything i've read on sub., says DO NOT STOP AT ALL IF TAKING AND GET PREGO. But no doctor (especially one who knows nothing about this stuff) understands that and just wants you off asap. My sister thinks i'm just a big addict who is coming up with any excuse NOT to stop taking it. I am so hurt by her that she would doubt my love for this baby and my wanting to make the right choice. I researched this and from everything i've read came to realize how much more dangerous it would be to stop then to continue at a low dose. But i've been afraid at what my doctor would say. He's a military, strict, kinda un=sympathetic doc. So i'm afraid now.....
What if he tries to take away my baby when it's born? I get this from my Mother, which is illegal and i'm afraid they will freak out and do something insane.
My Father (whom i will never speak to again) is supposed to be teh ONE person in my life who should be caring and understanding about this. And he's just being cold and mean and rude. He ACTUALLY told my Mom that i'm probably making myself vomit just not to gain weight and so i can get Phenegran and get high from the phenegran! I dont' get high from that! I get sleepy if anything!!!! But my Mom shared with me that my father (who is a full blown addict and is on sub.) used to throw up so he'd have an empty stomach to take his Lorcets with to get more high! The fact that he'd imply that of me makes me sick! I'd NEVER do that intentionally, and i can't help that i'm still throwing up ! BELIEVE ME, i'd trade gaining a ton of weight over being this damn sick. And it's not like this is unheard of to be sick the whole time.
I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. I've been crying for 2 days and been a mess. My hubby is concerned and just wants me to relax so not to put the baby in distress. I'm just completely devestated at the fact that i though i could trust my family and how badly they've hurt me. I will never forgive my father for the things he's been saying and how he's handled this.
He's been an addict for the past 40 years and put US through hell dealing with him. And he STILL is horrendous to me and handles me all the wrong ways. We're taught in AA how to handle other addicts and how to help, and he goes about it all the wrong ways. Part of that (i'm sure) is because of his wife (my horrible step-mom) and her neurotic thinking. She just wants us out of his life and loves it when we're fighting.
Anyways, i just need your prayers. I'm trying to keep calm, but i keep breaking down in tears at how hurtful they are being. thankfully i have my Mom who would never do this. Oh, and their being horrible to her also for her supplying me. Its truly not her fault. She saw how much in distress i was at being forced to go CT, and only did what she thought would save this baby.
For all anyone knows, this baby is ALIVE because i didn't finish the CT and gave my body a rest at day 4 of CT when i was so sick and going out of my mind.
I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt that my sister , whom i've been there for and loved and never judged, could say the mean things she's said. Like i'm a bad parent already and that i've done this for selfish and addict reasons. I truly stayed on this because ive read everywhere that you shouldn't stop AT ALL if prego. But she refuses to hear it.
Well....i've cut them out of my life. We've cancelled Easter day, and hopefully in time i will heal from this. I can't speak to my Father after how he's treated me. He really is horrible. I've always though family was most important, but God is the only one that can be counted on.
So im seeing doctor next week, i'm nervous and scared and anxious. But at this point i feel it's the ONLY choice i have. I pray that he handles this o.k.
I'm planning on printing out as much info. as possible because i'm afraid if he looks it up himself, he'll see "HEROIN" and such and make it out to be much worse than it is. So please pray for me.
Sorry to ramble on, but i have very few people in my life that i can share this with right now and know i won't be judged. Thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through and feel even worse because you are going through it being pregnant. You do need to come clean to your doc, they need to be prepared for any emergent situation concerning the baby and the delivery.

I have no experience with sub, so I'm no help there, but I was on meds during my last pregnancy. I was on hydrocodone and diazepam for hip/back problems due to the previous pregnancy. I didn't go over my prescription at that time and the baby is completely healthy.

Please talk to your OB about the drug use though, if not for you, do it for the baby. I would do some more research about them being able to take the baby from you or even talk to a lawyer.

Good luck and I'll send positivethoughts your way.

Maggie

Mags,
Hey girl... I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know that if I didn't have the support from my family that this would be so much harder. My heart just hurts for you.. If anyone should understand, it's your Dad!!! How quickly he's forgotten!! Man, that just makes me mad at him. lol I don't even know him. But you just can't stop taking this medicine. And if this Doc knows anything, he will know that. Because if you go thru w/d's then so will the baby. I've read about this too because I was still on meds with my baby boy. He is now 21 months old and the most wonderful thing. So number 1, you need to stop stressing so much if you can. It's bad on you and the baby. Number 2, just have a little faith in God and your Doc that he will understand and see how scared you are and do what's right. Try not to worry so much until you see him. And again about your family.. right around easter. They will regret how they've treated you.. but you have to remember people that haven't experienced this... it's very hard for them to understand. I have to remember that about my husband. But I'm sending you my support and prayers through the internet.. :) And I will be thinking and worrying about you.. so please post after your appt. and let us know what he said. Until then.. try to relax.. :)

Sending love and prayers,
Brandi

Oh Maggie,
I feel soo bad for you.

Please just try to relax and not stress out.
Your Baby is number one right now and you do need to speak to the doc.
If your worried about hubby, Don't. It is just one more thing to triger the anxiety.

I had to put myself into Gods hands to get as far as I am now and I am still in his hands.

When you walk with God you will always have a Majority. A majority will always win. He made you and he can help you.

I am not a bible thumper but since this experience I am praying much more and seeing results. Slowly but surely.

No matter what happens you will be O.K. if you think in your mind that you will be O.K.

Just try to relax, I know thats hard for you right now but please try.

Keep posting here because we are all with you.

Know that you are in my prayers and thoughts :)

As Always,
Peace. (I mean that from inside yourself)
Baja

Hey J !!!

Wow, I cant believe all the stress you're dad is dealing to you right now. Please, please just stay within yourself and your mom and husband and keep praying. Everything is going to be ok. You cant change anyone else, so pray for them, right?
You know that i was using when i was pregnant and i told my doctor. the first thing EVERYBODY (childrens services, the doctor, the nurses, the midwife, and the docs and nurses and counselors at the detox i went to) wanted me to do was to get on methadone. METHADONE ! its true that if you stop taking the sub ct that you have a high chance of having a spontaneous abortion. So when you talk to your doctor, and im REALLY glad that you are, make sure that he understands exactly what sub is and the reason that you are currently on it. Im so glad that you are going to print out info to take to him. Thats a wise move on your part.
J - girl - I pray for you every night, I always have since we met. God is on your side, and that baby's side. The things you are doing right now, i know from all the "conversations" that we have had, are the things that are going to benefit that child in the end. You are NOT a selfish person. You ARE a good mommy ! Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. This child is your dream, and your future. Fight for him with every breath of your being.

Please let me know how the appt goes... i'll be looking forward to hearing from you, as always.

Love, Michelle :angel:

Hey girls,
You've got me in tears. Thank you so much for all the support, i don't know what i'd do without all of you! xoxo
Well, since i wrote, a few things have changed in the family situation. I haven't spoken to either my father or sister yet, but on Easter Sunday, i was "forwarded" 2 different "Forgiveness" poems from my Father (he sent them to the whole family, since they were ALL involved at this point). Oh, he also wrote me on Friday a one liner just saying "sorry for hurting you, i didn't mean to hurt you". Then my Sister (who i'm most hurt by), forwarded all of "us" (family) a spiritual message basically talking about how we have to be positive and not think the worst. So i haven't responded or called them yet. I'm too hurt by their actions and words to just let go and forgive yet. I know it's in MY best interest as a child of God to forgive, that hate and anger only makes me more miserable, but the things they said were just so horrendous that it will take time to heal. And i'm just not ready to let them in my life yet. I'm sure it's also the stress of not knowing what tomorrow (the apt w/doc.) will bring that makes it all more stressfull......i'm very nervous at what will come about. My hubby and Mother are coming for support and to help the doc. understand that i'm not a bad person, just trying to make the right choices for my baby and me.
I'm just so nervous that he won't LISTEN and he'll jump to conclusions and try and jerk me off this too quickly. I'll be bringing in some info. for him, but if he doesn't understand addiction and chornic pain, i can't expect him to FULLY "get" where i'm coming from. Oh well, i have no control, i'll leave it in Gods hands and hope he carries me through this.
I've been feeling the baby move like crazy , we've decided on naming her "Isabella"! She's a part of me already, and i can't risk losing her! I really don't think i'd be able to make it out o.k. if i did.
So please keep praying that this doc. has an understanding heart. He is a Christian so hopefully that will help him come at this with a more open heart and mind.
You guys are so sweet and kind to me. I really can't tell you how much it meant to come on here and find these posts. And thank you BAJA for your post to me! You made me cry too, but happy tears in that i know i have your prayers and understanding along with MICHELLE AND G8TRGRL.
I'll write tomorrow after the appt. and update you all. Oh i'm so nervous!!!!
But i can't wait to get this MONSTER of a burden off my chest!
I have to admit though, i'm scared as heck of going through the w/d's. I'm already not sleeping well since i got into 2nd trimester, and i remember so vividly of how horrible the w/d's were and how i felt i was losing my mind.
Oh i pray that God carries me in his hands while i have to do this. Hopefully the doc. won't make me come off entirely because of risk to fetus.
Sorry this is so long........i just have no one else to talk to right now.
with love and prayers going up for each of you too! J

O.k...i re-read a bit...like back from fall of 2007...
NEVER mix the opiates with SUB!!
I post on lots of other boards, some are literally "druggie" message boards and it is well know that you have to be in FULL w/d from percs, or vikes or whatever to even TAKE sub....otherwise it puts you into precipitated withdrawal.
I didn't keep reading so i don't know if you stopped doing that or what, but i will keep on reading.
I just wanted to post that. BELIEVE ME...i have plenty of junky friends even though i am PTO mom, you CAN NOT mix sub with opiates of any kind.
BUT everyone is different i guess, but i know from everything i've been told, heard or read that is the number one rule of suboxone or subutex


Gonna read some more a bit, i hope you are well today

Hi All,
Hey Lisasubb, NO i'm not mixing anything. At one point i was trying to get OFF the sub. and was taking Lorcets in place of them....but i ended up back on sub. But i've never heard of it being dangerous to mix them, just that the whole point of sub. is that it keeps the user from getting "high" from any other opiates. So basically it is pointless for someone to take another opiate because the receptors block you from getting high. But i'm not mixing....
Anyways, I'm done with seeing the doctor.....feeling MUCH better. Although i did cry after the appt. just from feeling ashamed and worried still. Since he knows nothing of the drug, he is sending me to see a Psychiatrist who will then evaluate my situation and make the decision to either keep me on it and lower dose and then deal with baby if she has any w/d's, OR take me off it completely. He feels that the Psychiatrist will have more knowledge and be able to make the right choice.
PLUS, he wants this to be "legal" so that i won't have to worry about HRS or something coming to take baby. I was freaked at him even mentioning it, even more because i know in my heart that i would NEVER intentionally have the wrong intentions for this baby. But he assured me that if i do this the right way and listen to his guidelines, that the baby will be safe.
At first the doctor was very stern and had those "how dare you" eyes towards me, but i think once he realized that i've already weened down over the last 6 months from 16mg to only 5mg, he realized that this isn't a matter of me wanting to get high....just me trying to keep myself from going into major w/d and risking babys life.
So i'm feeling much better. Thank you all for all of your prayers! I can't even explain how much lighter i feel. And i'm actually looking forward to seeing this psychologist. I have alot of things i feel i've needed to share and talk about, but have not been to see my previous counselor in over a year. So this is good that i'm being forced to deal with these issues. It's going to be healthy for me to get them out in the open. And i have faith that this doctor will see me for what i am - A scared soon-to-be Mother, just trying to figure this out and make the best decisions for her and baby.
Ohhhhhhhhh, even though i'm still angry at my father/sister for how they hurt me, i'm thankful that it happened because if it didn't i'd still be carrying this secret around living in fear and tremendous stress.
Now lets catch up on how you all are doing......please write soon! I thank you guys SOOOOO much for being there for me! love yall!

J -

I cant even begin to imagine what a huge burden has finally been lifted from you. And the benefit of seeing a psychiatrist at this point for you is exactly what God ordered !! I just love how this stuff works out sometimes, dont you ?

I continue to pray for you, the baby (wow, I LOVE the name Isabella !!! ) and your whole family. I know that somehow, someway, things will be ok. It all takes time, and patience, and love. You are doing this, one day at a time, you are doing this. I was so grateful to read about your day.

Right now, nothing has really changed here. Im still on 4mg. Not going up, down, or anywhere.... that'll come. Im really ok with the situation. My mom knows now, so its all out in the open here too. So i think all in all it turned out to be a good thing that she found out. But im still mad at her for how she found out: she SNOOPED through all my stuff, because she said she knew i was keeping something from her. We are sooo close, and its hard for me to lie to her, and i was, at least about the sub. And she knew something was up. Funny, huh? But im just a little pissed about her going through my things. Im kinda over it now, at least her mind is at peace about my "secrets". I guess after everything i've put her through in my/her life, she has a right to be nervous when she knows something is wrong. And if she would have just asked me, i would have lied. That much is true. LOL
As far as work is going, things are a little slow right now. Being able to hire me is a luxury to most people, and with the economy the way it is, i am the first thing to get cut from the budget, ya know? But i am taking the extra time i have and taking a few classes to earn my continuing education credits. And ive decided to invest a little bit in an ad campaign. So hopefully that will work out for me in the long run.
I keep watching those 'baby" shows on tv, and i wish i was younger so i could have another child. So im jealous of you and i want to hear all about it, so keep the news coming, ok?

Love you lots, girl. You take care of yourself and Isabella and keep me posted, ok?

talk soon,

michelle

maggie0704,
I've been reading your posts for awhile now and I've never replied to any of them. I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you the last few days and prayed for you. I'm so glad that you got this off you chest and going in the right direction. I see how relieved you are and I'm happy to hear that. Keep us posted about your progress. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Shannon:angel:

Hey Mags.. glad to hear from you and that the D-day you've been dreading is over. I know how that feels.. I think we all do. I'm sure you feel a lot better now that your Doc knows. And this is a good thing. I don't think the Psychologist will do anything but help you. You have to try to start thinking positive.. although I know how hard that can be. I'm still hanging at 3/4mgs.. according to the day.. It's been sort of stressful around here.. I'm wondering if I've hit the depressed stage. Some days, especially weekends, I just want to bury myself and not leave the house. It's weird. I go to work.. never miss a day.. I think I'm just still learning how to live sober. And not realizing that's what's going on. Oh well.. all will come in time and with God's help. Anyway, prayers work and everything will be okay for you and baby. I know they will. :)

Michelle.... my girl, hang in there too.. and it's ok for you to hang where you are. You just take your little time. I am.. I've realized I don't have to be in such a hurry to taper down. As long as I do it.

Talk to you guys later!
Brandi

maggie you are back up to 5mg now?that is way way more than you were takin a few weeks or months ago.so really you weaned down from 16mg to 2mg and then jumped back up to a daily dose of 5mgs or more depending on the stress of the day right?do you realize that you are obtaining and comsuming an illegal drug while with child?i say that the sub is illegal cause you have no script for it and you are getting it from someone else.the psych. dr is not gonna like this at all and most likely will not want to be responsible for you and the baby,i cant imagine him treating you when you tell him the whole story.like the other dr said,social services may get involved,and i would guess that the psych. dr will most likely call them.or you may get lucky and he give you the subutex and then you will be fine.just remeber you cant have any pain meds at all when the time comes.good luck and i pray the baby does not have to go thru the agonizing withdraw process.
Man Sparks.......your post was not something i need right now. I understand that your trying "tough love", but i have been under tremendous stress, and i don't need you putting more anixety on me by telling me that i'm probably up shits creek because of what "might" happen. I was told by my doctor that if i do this the right way, which is seeing this psychiatrist for eval., that i will have no problems. And yes, i am UP to 5mg.....that is mainly because i've been in alot more pain than usual since preg. With being sick and vomiting and my headaches worse, i went up a bit. But i don't need the guilt, i obviously take care of that part just fine.
Yes i know that i am "illegally" obtaining these drugs, but i believe that once this doctor hears my story (true story), he won't be hard on me. I didn't start this drug to get high, i started it because of my chronic headaches/migraines and because my Father has had good luck w/it and he also has that issue w/headaches. Plus, it's not like i take a huge amount and i'm abusing it. I feel like once he hears the entire story, which is that the doctor who prescribes it was willing to see me but i wasn't planning on taking it long because i wanted to get pregnant, then he'll have a better understanding of how this all came about.
Please.....i'm trying my hardest right now to stay positive, and reading that post just brought me back to anxiety. I'd do appreciate your prayers though.
And thanks everyone else for continued support and prayers. I'll write more later.

Hey G8TRGRL,
I want to write more later, but hubbys coming home in a few for his 10 min. lunch/dinner break from work so i'm getting off for a bit and will be back.
Just wanted to tell you though how PROUD i am of you for getting so low on the dose! Your doing great!
And yes, the depression is part of it and it WILL get better. It takes a bit, so be patient w/yourself and kind to yourself. Try not to expect too much out of you. I think your doing awesome and will be so happy one day to be FREE of this crap! I'll talk more later. :angel: