Part of this process of recovery for me is to get some things off my chest each day. I always thought I was in control when using, but coming to the realization that you are powerless to something is a very hard thing to do. Each day my need to control the environment exist in many ways. That is not something I need to do and believe that is a key element that causes relapse. This is a full time gig folks, and if you are complacent even for one second, you will lose each and ever time. That voice will tell you its OK or you will be OK this time "just to have one", but you know where you will end up, I was to arrogant in the past to truely realize that, but not now. I am engulfed in the 1st 3 steps of NA. I fought them for some time now, but I am beginning to understand that its the only way. I am not talking about GOING to meetings all the time or becoming a FULL TIME NA "addict", that is tough for me in my life as it exist right now. What I am talking about is TRUELY understanding the steps in YOUR own way. They work, nothing else has, so WHY NOT? Right.

Are you fully engulfed and in full understanding that you are POWERLESS to your drug. I bet most of you can think of a bunch of examples that show that its true. If you have ever relapsed, then there is NO question. You are powerless to something.

HOW INSANE is the stuff we do. Stealing, lieing, cheating, etc. We would never do such insane things when sober. We see that VERY clearly when we are suffering through WD's, BUT the vision gets foggy when we get more clean time under our belts. Be careful and aware.

Just hand it over! Hand the FACT that SOMEONE or SOMETHING is in charge and YOU ARE NOT. That is hard for me. I am in charge and dont tell me I am not! The reality is that I am not in charge and when I get that WAY, its the wrong road to travel.

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope some of this will make sense.

D-- 13 days clean. sun is shining.;)

Dearest Meddman

I just walked in and signed on. Seeing your post has lifted my day considerably. The insight is there, so very there. We really are not in control of what life deals us, but can only work in how we react to circumstances. There is a power greater than us. I know this by faith, by experience.

I spent much of my life as quite the controlling soul. What I thought was a strength in my life, was actually a weakness in me. We can not out-think drug addiction no matter what the heck our IQ may be. It dissolves our thinking into mush. Ultimately, every single rationale we might develop to justify drug use, for us each rationale will end up with us in the same place... lost. And acceptance of this is the surrender.

I have shared before that the year of withdrawal was a year of learning for me like no other time in my life. It was learning not just about the drugs, but about how I needed to readjust my entire way of approaching life in my world. I can not control the mistakes my adult kids might be making. I can not control unfairness that sometimes hits me right between the eyes. I can only work within the parameters of my own actions. I gotta tell you, when we learn to really let go, a huge weight becomes lifted. Accepting that I can not control everything leaves me less burdened by the weight of what I felt was my obligation to control. And all that time, the weight of it was self-imposed.

I still have a lot of growing and learning to do about myself. Medd... the opther day I had to have a psychological exam requested by Social Security Disability. Medd.... after an excruciating hour and a half, the doctor wrote on my form, "RX.... intensive psychotherapy." I was so humiliated in my very soul when I saw those words. Cried for two days. Then it finally came to me.... I do still need a lkot of work to really come to terms and truly understand myself. As baja would say, "Time to fix me." ALL of me.


I have to scoot for now. Just had to tell uyou what a wonderful post to read.

Hugs
reach

Wow, what a shift. Medd you are amazing to watch and to learn from. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us. When we look inside and really take an analysis, as painful as it can be, we find the truth. Not always easy to hear. Never easy to believe. You are on a road to change and what a better way to start the Easter weekend. Kind of symblolic, don't you think? I want to be you. I'm trying.
RR

RRR --thanks for the kind words. You dont want to be me, you want to BE YOU. that is why you are here. remember that. Not all peaches and cream here. Tonight was a weird night. Felt like I was in full WD's again for some reason. Not clue why. Just roll with it. Will this ever end. Hope so.

Have a great easter everyone.

D

I have a lot of admiration for your insight. I'm working toward that and changing the way you think is the hardest part of life. I've been watching the NCAA tournament and all those kids work so hard to win a basketball game. They have no idea when they graduate how hard they are going to have to work on so many levels. Not just addiction but relationships, work, kids, grandkids, adult children making bad decisions. But happiness, love and success are all there for the taking too. It's all mixed up. Hope you feel better. I am up and down this weekend too. Good thing for me weather is perfect here. Happy Easter.

Medd -- how's the sleep going? Gettin' any? (sleep, I mean :-))

Hey D,

How it goin' ?
I didn't do a CT but I felt pretty much normal after about 2 maybe 3 weeks after I went to Zero. I had the yawns for a while after that but now everything is gone except for the clear thinking.

Hey Perky, That "gettin' any" thing got me smiling. We all know what you were really thinking :)

Hope you have a Happy Easter too.

As Always,
Peace,
Baja
_________________________
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.

Hey guys --All is still well in in MED LAND. Sleep is good, it could be better, but its ok. I only have one more sleep aid left, but will try and switch to Benedryl in the next few days. This has always been a problem for me. I am way to mental to just go to sleep. I dont think I have been to sleep without the aid of "something" in 11 years.

Having a great easter with family. I hope all of you are as well.

D