I've got an elderly mom who is fairly healthy other than her alzheimers, she's 89 and in a care facility. Lately she has been pocketing more and refusing food. I know her AD is progressing, she talks alot of nonesense now. But does she have the awareness to give up? I'm thinking that might be why she is refusing the eat.

Also, this is a horrid disease and I feel so guilty when I wish she would pass on. Thats a terrible thing to admit I know but I am just so tired of being upbeat all the time....

My Mom passed away from this disease only 3.5 months ago. She had no appetite for the last few months and it was hard to get her to eat. BUT she was not purposely giving up on life. It was the disease. The time comes when they cannot process food, or even medications. In our case it began a year before she actually died. She was 99. I am sorry you have to go through all this.

We all hope and pray a cure is found before we get that old - if only so that our children will not have to suffer as we did. I lived with my mom for 5 years of this illness, and it was terrible.

Good luck

Martha

Martha is absolutely right. There is a point when your loved one stops processing food and has no interest in eating because of it. This is not what you Mom wishes but just another cruel phase of this horrible disease.

As for your thoughts..... there is nothing wrong with wishes for an end to your Mom's suffering. It is not a selfish thought to feel guilty about. Life is about quality not quantity. You Mom has lived her good life. Now she is a host for a horrible disease that has taken her away from you already. I truly believe it is humane to wish for the end of suffering that we know will finally take our loved ones away. I know I will face this one day with both of my parents. I appreciate those here that have given me a glimpse of what I have to face so I can ready myself.

Welcome to the forum. There are great people here who have been where you are. Venting to those that understand is always uplifting. I have found great advice from those that have been there before me that has helped me understand what I am facing before I get there. I hope you find the same here.

I will keep you and your Mom in my thoughts and prayers.....

Love, deb

Please don't feel guilty. It is hard to put a smile on your face as you watch the person who gave you life slowly have the life drain our of hers. I lost my Mom to this dreaded disease last November first. She just gave up on Friday night and died the following Thursday evening.

I don't think that it is a conscience decision that they make, but I do think that their body does make the decision that it has had enough. Some are lucky enough to go quickly. Others go slowly, like Martha's Mom. You don't get to chose, unfortunately.

I hope that your Mom doesn't chose to linger long nor suffer. You may let yourself be free of guilt. You have every right to hope that your Mom doesn't suffer and dies quickly. There is not one damn thing wrong with that. In fact, it would be a blessing to you and your Mom. Don't feel guilt over that! There are other things in this world that you can feel guilty about, but not that.
blessings to you and your mom....

My Grandma was 97 when she passed. I prayed everyday for an end to her suffering. This disease took her slowly. When you love someone you want their suffering to end. Gram finally could not eat, see, or process sounds. She only called for her Mom.

Now I'm watching Mom go through the same thing, slowly. I pray that before my sweet Mother can only cry for her Mom that she passes quickly. Don't feel guilty about wanting your Moms suffering to end.

All of us here understand. We truly do.
Chris

You are so right, Chris.

Once, a few years before she got REALLY bad, but knew she was losing her memory, Mom said, "if I were a horse they would shoot me." As it turned out she had some happy years left, in spite of Dementia, but the sentiment was very understandable. Sometimes we do treat our pets better than our old people. I know it is basic respect for human life, which is good and right, but one does stop and wonder - how long does human suffering have to go on?

Hang in there.

Love,

Martha

Hi All

My MIL had AD but apart from her memory and the confusion ( You could hold a reasonably sensible conversation with her provided you were in the same time zone ie her childhood or her early married life) but she didn't recognise my husband who was the youngest of her children and it upset him.

However she was pysically quite fit right to the end. She went for an afternoon nap one day and just didn't wake up. She was 94 years old.

It was rather a shock for her loved ones but a lovely way for her to go.

What I am saying, I think, is that it is not the same for everyone so those of you who are like me (my husband has it now!) caring for someone in the early to middle stages of AD do not think that things will neccessarily get as bad as the stories here would suggest.

We all have to live with hope in our hearts and can only do our best for those we love.

Here's to hope and love.

pamron

Hi all! First post...thank God you are all here.

I am a daughter, age 53, married and mother of 4, one child still at home at age 12. When mom died in 03, we moved dad here from Oregon. He lives in the duplex next door, just a couple of feet away. Since that time, he has declined with dementia to the point where we are now.

His physical health is decent enough, at age 82. But his mental state is deteriorating at a rapid pace. He can toilet himself, feed and drink unaided. But I do everything - and I mean everything - else. I am with him 8-12 hours a day, and he is getting really aggressive and inappropriate. It's hard to take him into public because he makes inappropriate remarks to people and is starting to try to hit my 12 yr old son for no reason other than he does not like children. He is sleeping more and more, and here's the real issue today:

He is refusing to eat. A bite of scrambled eggs, an Ensure and 4 french fries was his entire menu today. I do all his cooking, and he refused bacon, hash browns, Kentucky Fried Chicken Strips (which he LOVES), pizza, hot dogs...all his favorite foods. I sit with him for every meal for as long as it takes, and now he is just refusing to eat.

He is quite demented. Has no orientation of space and time, no idea what day it is, what year it is, president, who the heck I am, why he can't ask his beautiful female doctor if "those are hers", he has grabbed the steering wheel while I am driving...his mind is just getting eaten up by this disease. It is my goal to care for him by myself until the "end" - no care home for him if I can do it.

How do I get him to eat? I am afraid he will die as he has lost 10% of his natural weight in 2 months. He is soooo thin. His doctor says that he is getting too thin, and prescribed a low dose of Prozac to no avail.

What do I do? Help?:confused:

Welcome to the board Skimp. This place is my sanity!!! I am truly sorry that you are having to go through this with your Dad. I have found that it is impossible to make someone eat. It is not unusual for those with dementia to forget to eat, not want to eat, or eat all the time. Their brains are not giving them proper signals. Is your father having problems swallowing. At some point many forget how to swallow and can choke. If you force the food then they can aspirate it causing pneumonia. There is also a point at which the body stops processing food and they lose interest in food. It is just the way the disease manifest itself and nothing can be done about it. I am not sure which is going on with your Dad. Are there snacks in the house that he can get to? Mom was not eating meals but we did find her candy stash. She has a huge sweet tooth. My Dad on the other hand eats everything in sight and wants more. The only thing you can do is make the food available in a form he can handle. Try finger foods or soft foods or puree. Continue the Ensure if he will drink that. Perhaps leaving something where he can pick it up and eat it without being at a table setting might work if he is able to do that.

There are many medications that his doctor can try for the aggression and aggitation. It is just a matter of finding the right medication. It will take 3 to 6 weeks to see the full effects of most medications so it is a time consuming process.

Dementia is not a survivable illness. The food issues are part of the disease. I know you do not want to him to die but it is an inevitability. I am not being uncaring, just realistic. You can only do the best you can and leave the rest to his angels. I will keep you and your Dad in my prayers.

Love, deb

Wow. Thanks for the fast reply! That means so much to me.

Reading the posts here has validated me to such a huge extent. It's hard to know what to do - I am not an expert in anything to do with dementia. I am just a wife, mom, daughter. And I struggle with the whole "put him in the hospital so they will intubate him and feed him/No, just let the process happen as God meant it to". It's ethical, it's moral - the whole thing is just so hard. Can I live with myself watching him just starve to death? Can I eventually "get over" what I see as my own neglect?

But dad has made it so clear that he does NOT want to die in a hospital, care home or nursing home. So it fell to me, and I never knew it was so hard. I am going to try to give dad breakfast here in a few minutes, and my brother told me that I should offer the bacon and eggs that dad loves, sit with him, and if he does not eat - let him not eat. Since dad has no swallowing issues, it appears to be just a "decision", and I should not agitate dad more by trying to get him to eat just one more bite.

DGabriel10 - tell me this - I have read on Google that when a dementia patient stops eating, the end is probably pretty near. Is that your experience as well? I am trying to get past the guilt over not being able to make him live; now I just want his end to be peaceful. Is the not eating thing a harbinger of death?

Thanks again for the fast reply. Means so so so much! :(

Dear Skimps:
I'm new here and joined in hopes of helping others. I've lost two parents in six months, both with varied degrees of dementia or Alz. But I lived with my Mom 24/7 and as her caregiver I watched the eating habits change. In her case, I think she just slowly lost her appetite, combined with developing sepsis.

However, (and here's where many will disagree) - I refused to fall prey to those who told me it was the dying process - when Mom took to her bed and refused even fluids pressing her sheet to her mouth. I was told she'd be gone in two weeks. Once hospitalized, sepsis was found and cured but she didn't eat (except one night in subacute when she started sucking on my fingers). I handed her a biscuit, which she hastily popped in her mouth and ate. Caloric intake was not sufficient, so with a broken heart I was forced to go with feeding tube. But she hadn't given up, apparently. And she did know when she was hungry! The thought of having left her in her bed without taking some action? Well, read the next paragraph.

Mom came home. And lived there for close to a year and a half, passing away from other issues in 2007. Some days she slept. Some she was awake but either hearing or dementia kept her from being herself. The last months of her life she not only sang songs with me - remembering them - but was constantly speaking and praying for me. (and in 2006 they were giving her two weeks). Sadly, my father also required a feeding tube. There are pros and cons on feeding tubes but I've been through the mill and the drill - french toast, if only a morsel. Junk food, whatever Mom would put in her mouth. Bits of chicken breast cut up small - anything finger food. She seemed to stop using utensils - but knew how to eat when hungry.

It's the most disheartening thing to watch but in your Dad's case where he seems to experience grabbing issues, etc., as well - it's not that he's giving up. He's probably forgotten - how to act or how to eat or what he needs to. I really don't think he's "giving up". You will have to keep trying anything that you can put in front of him that you see catch his interest / appetite. God bless you.

Wow, Beenthere. You will never believe how timely your post is...

After I had written the original posts, about 3 or 4 days ago, dad ate a small bowl of cheerios. I mean small, too. Like 1/2 cup. With milk on it. Has a little trouble with the spoon thing, but got it eaten. Wow! So, I thought, maybe he just doesn't WANT what I have been feeding him! Furthermore, he does not know when he's hungry most of the time. Sometimes, he will say "yes" when I ask him if he's hungry. Most of the time, "No." Nevertheless, I tell him it's time to eat, and let's go to the table and eat. And he dutifully follows. Unless he's in bed, and then, I feed him. No kidding. That's how far I'll go. And I changed tactics, just like you recommended. And he's eating! Cheerios every morning. Little amounts - he's not getting more than 500-800 calories a day, and still losing weight, but he is at least consuming SOMETHING. For lunch, he did not want mac n cheese. So he ate chocolate cake with cool whip. And I don't give a hoot. He's out of bed 6 hours a day now, dressing himself half the time, able to sit in his recliner - bring on the junk food! I don't give a hot damn if he ever eats broccoli again.

You gave good advice, Beenthere. I hope others read it.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!
...deb