She signed a power of attorney two years ago to a counsin who has control now of her Social Security check. My mother had a bank account of $12,000 which is gone now. She has no life insurance so she was saving the money for burial. I visit her twice a year in Pa., I live in FL, and it costs me over $1,000 each time I go. In Oct I saw that she lost weight had no money and no food. Her refrigerator was bare as well as cabinets. I went right out and filled her freezer, cabinets, etc. My mother has no bank book showing where her SS checks gets deposited. I called SS and asked them with my mother's permission and they couldn't tell me over the phone. I asked them to change direct deposit and mail check to my mother. The cousin took her right to the bank and had it changed back into her name. She told my mother to give me a message "if you interfer in our business again I'll have you arrested." I couldn't beleive it so I backed off. I sent my mother a christmas present and she didn't even send me a card. I never had a close relationship with her since she gave me to my father's mother when I was born. She never acted like she had any love for me but I always hoped maybe things would change.

I have two brothers, one doesn't speak to anyone in the family. I don't know why. My other brother has been supported by my mother for most of his adult life. He is in Mississipi. He is totally dysfunctional and an alcoholic but was able to serve a year in the Iraq war. He's another story so I don't want to get into that. He called me on Sunday and said Mom called his ex-wife 11 pm Saturday night looking for him. He's been divorced for 20 years. She thinks my brother spent Saturday with her and that he left telling her he would be back. He was never there! I didn't see this problem when I visited her last time. I called her and she told me the same story that Michael was there yesterday and she doesn't know where he went because he didn't return. She did say he called and said he was in Mississippi so she did understand and remember this fact but she still firmly believes that he was in PA on Sat. My daugher was here and talked to her on the phone. We found out that she's on Aricept and an antidepressant. I looked up Aricept and it causes delusions (common side affect). I can't talk to her doctor because of privacy. I don't know what to do to intervene. It seems like I have no rights now because she signed that power of attorney two years ago. which I have never actually seen. She told me the cousin made her pay for it when she signed it $400. I feel sorry for my mother and angry that someone can get away with stealing someone's money. I called a number on the internet for a State Agency that can intervene. However, they told me they can't tell me anything. I called two years ago and never heard back. How can something like this happen? People tell me to forget it since my mother never cared for me. How can I do that? Can anyone offer any suggestions. I don't have time or money to fight a long distance court battle. I would be happy to see the State take guardianship and arrange for her to receive care but right now I don't think they will do anything to help her. They will probably go there and talk to her for 5 minutes then write a report that says everything appears okay. I am praying that God will send me the answer and the right thing to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Maybe someone else went through this and know the answer.

Lucy

This is the reason it is so important to be sure that POA is given to the right person. In most states a durable POA is irrevocable and gives the person that has the POA all the powers that the individual has. You will more than likely have to prove neglect, abuse, or misapproriation of funds which will involve lengthy investigation and/or court battle. If you think there is fraud on the part of the cousin all you can do from where you are is report the fact to social security, the police, and social services but there is no promise that anything will be done. If they investigate and do not see a problem then there is nothing they can do.

This is one of the reasons that privacy laws are detrimental to the elderly, especially those with dementia. Protecting the privacy of an individual seems to be a good idea on the surface but it can create insurmountable road blocks when you are trying to help someone in trouble.

My best suggestion is to keep looking for evidence of abuse, neglect, or fraud and report your findings to the appropriate authorities. If you have other family members that are also willing do to this then they should as well. The more reports that go in the more likely they are to reinvestigate and eventually they might dig until they find the truth. I wish you luck in this difficult situation.....

Love, deb

Deb gave you good advice. Your mom sounds like she is getting to the point where she is not going to be able to live alone much longer. Aricept is given to help keep an alzheimer patient at the level they are currently at, to maintain their cognizent level. The delusions that your mom is having are probably caused by the disease,not by the medicine. It is very common for these folks to swear that they have had visitors or phone calls from folks who haven't been to visit them for months or years.

If is it possible you need to have someone check into your mom's living conditions. She may be to the point where she is going to need assisted living before long. It sounds like it isn't far off for her.

good luck, my heart is hurting for you and her...

I don't know about in your state, but here in Alabama a durable POA is revocable. I would investigate that in your mother's state. And $400 is ridiculous! We paid $50 for one here and it included medical and everything. In most large cities they have a local ABA (American Bar Association) office. They maintain a list of attorneys who will give you a 30 minute meeting without charge on certain issues. See if there is one in your mother's home town.

Dysfunctional family with dysfunctional behaviours. Please don't take offence, I'm just going to run a few things by you that a lawyer may think/react to ok?

yes, she's your mother, but why now are you showing an interest? Has the cousin been a stable influence over the last few years? Does your mother have any other mental disease (handing over children ISN'T a normal behaviour for a parent) because you say: I never had a close relationship with her since she gave me to my father's mother when I was born. She never acted like she had any love for me but I always hoped maybe things would change

If Mum has one of the dementia's, she's going to do irrational behaviours, and go 'back' in time ...... so calling your brothers ex-wife isn't unusual. Delusions don't necessarily need to be medication induces, it's part of the disease process as well as their memory 'back's up'. There's nothing unusual there.

Do you have proof of your mothers mistreatment? Here I am talking about photographic evidence, written records, statements .......... (and not from your mother) ....... nobody will sit up and listen to you unless you have evidence.

And finally .. the nasty part. You mention $$ a lot. Is this a primary concern and if so why? Please remember, I'm NOT attacking you in this question, but it is one that passes by everybody who is classified as a carer when a relative who has not been a participant in care starts questioning things.

I wish you luck in your answers. I hope I've helped you question a few things and given you a bit of direction. Main advice? find a lawyer who specialises in elder care.

gemini,

It's not about money, it's about getting my mother the care she needs. Her money is being used but not for her care. I am hurt that she has signed all her rights away along with her income. I saw she had no food and lost weight. She was never a mother to me so should I just forget about it? Yes, the family was dysfunctional and I was blessed to be raised by my grandmother but remember you can't chose your relatives. I think your remarks were harsh and hurtful.

Thanks to others for your posts. I found out yesterday that Social Security does not recognize power of attorney. I'm posting this in case anyone else ever needs this information. I'm going to see if my mother will allow us to move her to Florida and see about assisted living. I don't know if she will be agreeable. I will not force her to do anything against her will. Hopefully the social worker will do a thorough investigation and get her help.

lucy, please dont be offended by gemini,
this member has dealt with everything you are going through, and much much more
this member is direct, and continually tries to help other members.
This person may be able to help you . She asks the hard questions so you can find the right answers.
regards,
Jo

Lucy, please don't take gemini the wrong way. Her comments will seem mild compared to what a social worker or anyone else assigned to check into your mothers' affairs will sound like. The questions she asked are all valid and will be asked by people who will investigate your mother's state of mind and her financial records. And unfortunantely, in today's world, they tend to think the worst first. They will accuse you of only showing up now when she isn't in her right mind.

None of us here are trying to hurt your feelings or to blame you for anything. We have all either lived through this, are living through it or have lost our loved ones to this. We each have a different tale to tell, but we all have a reason or two to present things a certain way. Give everyone here the benefit of the doubt because the chance is that they have already got the T shirt from their time with this. We're sorry that you are wounded by this, and I know how it hurts when all you want to do is to try and protect your mom, but give it a chance, you can learn more from the folks on this board than from years worth of living and reading about this oh so horrid disease that ruins families and kills relationships in addition to making you watch your loved ones slowly waste away from you.

you and your mom are in all of our thoughts and prayers......
Jill

I think you need to talk to an attorney

I will also say that Gemini was not being critical of you but letting you know the questions that you will hear in the future if you persue over turning your cousin's current authority. She brought up legitimate questions based on the facts that you presented. Please use the information in the way it was intended and not be upset with Gemini for being forthcoming and asking the hard questions.

You are right about Social Security. They have their own system of guardianship that is different from the durable power of attorney. That involves a completely different set of paperwork. So you have two battle fronts at this point. The durable power of attorney and the social security guardianship.

Now as for moving your Mom to Florida. Evidently there is a diagnosis of dementia if your Mom is on Aricept. If she does have dementia she may not be able to make a good decision for herself. Expect different answers at different times. She will not remember what she told you the last time. That raises of issue of her being competent to make her own decisions. What she wants may not be recognized by authorities because of her diagnosis. Then you have the problem of the social security guardianship and power of attorney. You may get her to come but not the money or the power to make decisions for her. If your cousin has guardianship then she can come get your Mom because it is her responsibility to do what she thinks is best for your Mom. She may not be doing this but that is for you to prove.

So take Gemini's question as just a small taste of what you are in for. That is what she intended. The authorities will ask you all of these question and many that have not been thought of yet. Your cousin will pick up on these and put you in the worst light possible if you try to override her. Your intentions may be the best but you are in for a difficult fight and have to grow some leather tough skin to deal with it because the accusation will be thrown your way.

If you decide to continue with the fight you need some way to get documented evidence of abust or neglect on the part of your cousin. That includes the mentioned pictures, witnesses, and any medical information you can get your hands on (which will be difficult with the current privacy laws). You will need a lawyer and since you are not close probably an investigator to get the proof you need.

Good luck......

Love, deb

Hello to all:

I can not recall if I posted here before not
but wanted to ask the forum a question

My cousin is POA.. for my Mother
and.. apparently she took
a bank book and .. also a medical card
which Mother will need in future
both of them..
when asked why? She said, so no one else
could take it.

This is baffling to me.

Can any of you give your thoughts

I have advised Mom to get the bank book back
as well as the other documents.. I dont see why she
would be going into her private drawers at this point..

TIA

Char


:)

Has your Mom's POA been registered at the court house? Until it is properly registered it is no good and can be changed. (or at least that is the way it is here) Does your Mom have cognitive imparement that would warrent somebody else taking care of her financials? Was your cousin worried about these items getting lost. Those with dementia to tend to throw out, miss place, or otherwise lose important papers. Why don't you call your cousin and ask her about it. She may have legitimate reasons for what she did.

I have signature rights on Mom's checking account and I have a separate check book of Mom's. I pay her bills and keep the check register. Mom still has a check book and check card which she uses more and more infrequently. My sister has copies of Mom and Dad's medical cards. They have been lost and found several times in the last few years.

One thing you cousin needs to understand is that every time your Mom needs to pay a bill or needs medical attention she will have to be there if she has the means to pay and the medical cards.

I guess it all depends on your Mom's cognitive abilities and what she can and can not do for herself. It also depends on the intentions of the cousin. As long as she has your Mom's best interest at heart there is probably no problem with her having these items because if she is POA at some point she will need them. Again... call your cousin and see what you can find out. Do this in the spirit of concern and caring for your Mom.

Love, deb

I'm sorry if I offended you, as I said in my post, Please remember, I'm NOT attacking you in this question. Your asking for advice, and I give it .. big time.... sorry you got upset.

I don't sugar coat anything. I learnt a long LONG time ago sugar coating gets you nowhere.

Yes, I probably ruffle a few feathers along the way, and put a few noses out of joint, but what you need to hear is what will happen, what people will think and how people will react. It will NOT be easy in any way, shape or form to get the ability to look after your Mum when somebody else has been doing it. You will need evidence .... you need to do LOTS of research before you start calling in "elder abuse", because if you don't have your T's crossed and your 'i''s dotted, you will be all but crucified.

Mum is losing weight: That happens with Dementia. The body forgets how to process the food. It doesn't matter how much they eat, they still lose weight. This is usually in the later stages, but isn't unheard of mid-stage.

No food in the fridge: Perhaps meals are being brought in? Perhaps there is no food in the house because she stashes food and creates an infection control problem (rotting food in sneaky cupboards is NASTY ~ lol)

Research. Investigate. Question. Photograph. Get the EVIDENCE you need.

Lucy, Sorry to hear about your troubles. But I would like for you to look at this from the cousins point of view. It is worth something for what she does for your Mom. Yes she may have over stepped her rights as POA but look at what this could cost if she doesn't do what she does. To hire someone to stay just during the day would cost more than her SS each month. To hire someone responsible for paying her bills and checking on her every now and then.....minimum of $600 per month. If you mean what you say that this is not about money....move her in with you. I don't remember reading weather you work or not. If you do, you will probably have to hire a sitter. But if she is at your home....you'll know if she gets proper care. Make an appointment with an attorney that specializes in elder law. Your going to need that advice to prevent additional trouble with your cousin.
Good Luck,
Laner