My brother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and sexual addiction. It is tearing our family apart. He is 30 and still lives with my parents who support him financially in between employment. He is incredibly intelligent and gets amazing high paying jobs and then, like last night, calls my parents from a gas station/bar/jail/you-name-it at 3am and asks them to come get him. Sometimes he doesn't know where he is because he's so drunk. He does not drink often, but when he does it is to excess. My parents are almost 65 and would like to retire--if they didn't have to support my brother financially they could retire in style, but they are worried about making it if they are constantly having to post bail, pay for lawyers, pay his insurance, medical bills, phone bills, etc. Ridiculous, I know! And super frustrating b/c no matter how many times I tell them to cut him lose, they refuse.
A little background...both my brother and I are adopted and my parents felt they needed to make up for any rejection we might have felt by spoiling us. But we were babies when we were adopted and growing up I never felt anything but special. GREAT childhood, but no responsibility. I am married and living in a different state now. My brother was committed to a mental health facility after his third DUI and running from the police, but he didn't like it so my parents paid $10,000 to get him released early. He came out with stories about how much everyone loved him and what a BMOC he was in there. Symptoms of borderline personality disorder, right?
Anyway, for my own health and well being (and, honestly, marriage) I have been trying to extricate myself from my brother's and parents' mess. I don't think my parents are helping my brother at all. I think they are making it worse...and now they are drinking heavily every night. I am at a loss as to what has happened to my family!
Is anyone else having similar problems? I feel very alone, although I know our situation is not unique by any means. Oh, this past "run" at responsibility my brother has had has been the longest. He finished another semester of school, has an incredible job at a law firm, and we've been talking several times a week. All good signs...and then last night the 3am call. I'm worried my dad won't make it to retirement. This is killing him. I welcome any and ALL suggestions/comments. Sorry for the long post. Can you tell I don't have anyone to talk to about this? ;)

Hello worried,

The behaviors that your brother is exhibiting can quite possibly be based on the fact that he knows there is a safety net; that being your parents.

I dislike saying this but your parents are enabling him.

Where does parental responsibility truly end for a son or daughter; legally it varies from 18 to 21.

Unofficially, it can be much longer.

It seems that tough love is in order.

Your brother needs to be held accountable for his actions.

As long as they keep bailing him out, the likelihood that more of the same will follow is inevitable.

Take care.

Phoenix

Right on, Phoenix!

I completely agree, thanks for the support. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I try to explain that to my parents, nothing comes of it. "We just can't abandon him, " they say. At this point I think they need him as much as he needs them. It's a huge mess. I'm tired of banging my head against the wall trying to help.

Hello worried,

It is not so much abandoning him as it is teaching him a lesson.

I hope that this doesn't happen but one day he may create such a jam for himself; the type that even your parent's money cannot solve.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

I completely understand your position, worried.

Unfortunately I have no answers other than to say you're not alone. If you read my post here: http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=611105
you might find some relief there.

As much as I, personally, hate standing by and watching things get worse, I have to remember I can't be a part of the enabling. In this case it seems helping doesn't help. Ironic isn't it?

Of course being in this position makes you feel like a terrible daughter/son because you refuse to help but by helping you're dragging yourself (and your life) through the pig pen of someone elses mess. And if no one changes...then nothing changes so you might as well be the first one to take 'action' by not taking any.

Hopefully the rest of them will follow but sometimes, just like anyone going through a personal crisis, it takes hitting rock bottom to truly see that there's a problem. I'm sure your parents worry about what would happen to him if they 'let him go' and let him suffer the consequences of his actions, and that's perfectly understandable; I think that's my parents reasoning too because he's never had to. But like Phoneix said, things will only repeat and possibly continue to get worse since there are no consequences. I'm watching things go from bad to worse and its not pretty but...what can I/you do?

Worried, I have an identical PLUS problem. My brother even went to prison for 6 months. When he was released I took him into my home on the condition that if he drank again he was to leave. He was wonderful for 18 months and started again. I ask him to leave or stop and told him he would get no more help from our family if he left. He left. With the tough love he got 100 times worse. He is on the verge of going back to prison......could it get worse.....OH YeS I just found out he has hepatitis C and has had it for years. He takes no medication (no money or insurance) he has exposed many people (it is transferred by blood only) but my son told me he used his razor alot while he lived here. I am hysterical about that! BTW he is 50...this type stuff has gone on since he was 13. Tough love does not always work. I pray it does for most. I have the best husband, life, children anyone could dream of and I am depressed, anxiety ridden, and a wreck and it's because of him and my family suffers and all I can do is pray and make my own husband and kids miserable
and they don't deserve it. Good Luck and prayers to anyone who goes through this.