i appologize in advance for this long post, i just had to let it out.

i guess it kind of all started when i began feeling incredibly stressed by the whole college experience. i always have a tremendous work load and matters are made worse by the fact that i feel completely isolated. i dont really have any friends, only my boyfriend (who goes to another school) and a few acquaintances. i live in the dorms and have a roommate who i do not particularly get along with. sharing my room with this other person has led me to create all these invisible boundaries and restrictions for myself. i also have a problem with self injury. this has been increasingly difficult to conceal as i have no privacy in my dorm. i have been trying very hard to stop hurting myself because i dont want to drag my boyfriend into that. in one way or another, i think my food issues stemmed from all of this. i started skipping meals. <removed>

<removed> i felt so guilty and ashamed for having no self control and giving in to the food. <removed> what scares me most is that i am doing things i swore against or that are totally unlike me. <removed> i am in disbelief over what i have done. i dont want to keep doing this, my throat is constantly raw, my stomach hurts, and i am struggling with all these feelings that accompany this problem. i keep making these stupid exceptions and excuses for why i will allow myself to purge. when i am not purging, i am severely restricting. i feel like i am in a loop, always exchanging one destructive coping mechanism for another.

<removed> i feel really out of control. i am so scared. i want help but i do not believe i have the strength to do it alone and keep all of it secret. i do not have a very strong support network either. the only person i think i could confide in is my boyfriend, but he has food issues of his own, its all very complicated. he has been anorexic for 5 years or so. i feel that he would perhaps see me as weak or disgusting for bingeing and purging because he is able to control himself. it would also be difficult because we do not discuss our personal problems with eachother often. i just dont know what to. i know i am not alone, but it sure feels that way.

Aren't there counselors at your school that you can go to in confidence? I'm sure they deal with problems like yours all the time. Who do you want to keep it a secret from? The counselors won't care, they see people with your problem everyday. Keeping this secret will make you feel more isolated.

Please seek professional help on campus, it should be free.

Please emphasise your feelings and thoughts on this Board. Please do not go into great detail about your behaviors, to keep from triggering other readers. Thank you.

Please call your attention to the sticky post at the top of this Board: "Avoiding Triggers".

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Don't be afraid to talk to people! But I would stay away from pro ana sites and try to talk to people older and wiser than you. Most people care about their bodies and force themselves to suffer the consequences when they have over eaten, instead of purging. Your stomach might hurt for a few hours, but you will eventually learn to listen to your body when it is full. You need to come up with an eating style that allows you to live a normal and healthy life. I struggled for a while with purging, but I would get terrible headaches. I found this "diet" book called The Fat Flush Plan. It tought me a lot of things about my body. It gave me a plan I could live with, without depriving myself. I slip up from time to time but then I just go back to my book and start at the beginning. I hope you know that you are not alone and you don't have to beat yourself up over this stuff! Life is short and you only have your own to live, so start living! :angel:

hey i can relate to a lot of what you said. i have ana and mia and i hate myself when i'm in a mia cycle and defintely feel more inferior than when i'm in an ana phase, so i get how telling your boyfriend could be difficult if he is ana. maybe you could go to a support group, easier said than done, i know, i've been trying to get myself to go to one for like 2 years now, but it could help. your profile says your from chicago, i go to school in chi too and i know that the awakening center has a free group, might be worth checking out. there are a lot of good ed treatment in chi also. and congrats for reaching out, its the hardest thing to do.
melanie