Once again we are having a very difficult time with Mom and her depression. Just as she did before she left home, she is having frequent "melt downs". She is aggrivating Dad, says she would rather be dead, and hates where she is. She wants to go back home. She doesn't want anybody there to help her. What she really wants is to turn back the clock to preALZ.

The reason she moved to AL was because she was having these same "melt downs" She always blames in on the fact that she can't do anything or go any where because she has to take care of Dad. We hired a sitter at home to give her that freedom and she resented the sitter being. She acted out until she ran off the sitter. She has been on various meds for depression and we keep returning to the same place. She saw a Psychologist before she left home and that turned into a disaster. Her cognitive testing showed sever impairment in her auditory processing so "talking" doesn't work well. She takes from it what she remembers and confabulates it to suit herself.

She is finding fault with everything at AL. She is a regular in the offices chewing out the staff about something. Nothing suits her.

She has aggravated Dad to the point that he has become extremely agitated on several occasions. This escalates into episodes of yelling, pushing, and throwing things. She will tell him she wants to go home. He will ask why they can't. She will say because they don't have a car. He will ask where is the van. She will say the girls took it. He will get angry that the van is not there. On and on they go. Then he gets angry and she cries. Then she starts blaming him. It is all his fault that they are there. He gets more upset because he doesn't see it as his fault. He actually told her to leave the last time, threw water on her, and then locked her out of the room. He has lost his aggression unless she is aggrivating him. But if he hits her then the police is called and he goes for a psychological evaluation at the Psychiatric Hospital. He doesn't need it Mom does.

It was decided that Dad would move to a different room for both their well being. Then one of my sister's changed the plan because Mom didn't want it that way. Now they are planning for us to hire a sitter. We have been that route before and Mom has already stated she doesn't want anybody else there. The last time she said that she did run off the sitter. They are also taking her to another Psychologist, at our expense. Been there done that one before and what we got out of that was her telling us to "kiss my butt and go home". They also increased her depression medication and so far it has made no different. All the time Mom is saying she is miserable, crying almost consistently, and swears she would rather be dead.

She blames it all on Dad. She has to stay with him all the time and cannot do what she wants to do. The reality of the situation is that she doesn't know how to do anything different. She gets up, takes the sheets off the bed, washes and irons them, and then sits with Dad. Unless pushed she only goes to meals. We arranged for her to to out for lunch and a trip to the beach yesterday. She went and evidently had a pleasant trip. Before she went to bed she was angry and crying again. She has cried all day today and keeps saying she wants to go back home while refusing to do anything but wash sheets and cry.

I have tried to talk to my one sister but she refuses to have a rational conversation. She doesn't want Mom and Dad separated. So Dad gets more medication so he won't fight back and they give Mom exactly what has been done before and didn't work. I am the evil child for questioning "the plan". I am so frustrated and just needed to ven because Dad ends up being blamed, aggrivated, and medicated so Mom can rage on. This is turning into a disaster......

Love, Deb

Why does your sister have the right to make these decisions without the rest of the family agreeing? Does she have POA over your parents' affairs? I am surprised that the rest of you let her have her way. I would fight tooth and nail for those two separate rooms, for example - for your dad's peace of mind if nothing else. The old man deserves some peace in his old age and in his confused state.

I say get them the two separate rooms. Aso, anti-depressive drugs take 6 weeks to kick in. Meanwhile they might try a mild tranquiliser to calm HER down.

Sorry both your parents are in this condition.

Love,
Martha

PS the sheet washing is a kind of obsessive complusive behavior. Maybe someone can get her started on some kind of handwork project - can she knit or crochet? Draw or color pictures? Paint? Something that will keep her occupied ....

Dear dear Deb,
It's so hard being in the middle of the mess, isn't it? I have a question? Why does your sister have the right to decide what is right for your parents? Who died and made her queen? I'm sorry, but it seems that you all just cave in to her. Has she been this way all her life, or just when she wants to get her way? And why does she think she knows best?

Right now your mom and dad sound like two toddlers who can't stand to live with each other or without each other.Deb,your dad is like the older kid and is doing just fine by himself until your mom comes along with her stick and pokes him and then he gets wound up and he gets blamed for whatever has happened and your Mom gets off scot free, but she's happy for the moment...

We all need a place to call our own.Deb, your dad needs a room of his own. My dogs have their own crates for heavens sake! Doesn't your dad deserve his own room? I am sure it would be a relief for him. It must be tiring for him to be around as much emotion energy as your mother puts out...it is tiring for an old man..

And your Mom. Perhaps it would help her settle down. Wtih no one to enjoy the histronics, she might settle down some also. It's hard to keep up the level when the audience has disappeared. A break from each other might be refreshing for both of them. This way she would free to do what she wants and not be responsible for your dad either. Have they tried giving your Mom her meds round the clock or does she just get them during the day? (And no you can't take them!) Have they adjusted them? Would d making a quilt help? Does she quilt? Knit? Crochet? Nag? Maybe she could help the staff dust or clean seeing she doesn't like how the do it.....I imagine there are loads of sheets that they do there and towels, perhaps she could help fold those....(yeah right)...

I can't remember who is holding POA for your parents, but unless it's you, you need to clunk them on the head and get your parents separate rooms for their own piece of minds. You need to get your mom on a good anti depressaint-and give it time to work. They don't just start over night unfortunately. And get yourself a box of Calgon so you can "wash this away."

Good luck.....we're on your side girl....good luck!

A different sister has the POA and she was there when they decided to put them in separate rooms. The problem is that the POA sister and myself, who agree, both live 2.5-3 hours away and the sister that is "running the show" lives in the same town. It was after my POA sister left that everything was changed.

My sister has been this way all her life. She is always right and has to have it her way. She is the baby. Anybody that challenges her catches her wrath. If you turn your back she manipulates. She likes control. I am a peace maker and have tried for years to "keep the peace" After Mom was diagnosed I stood up my baby sister and that's when the problems began. She resents me and fought everything I have tried to do for Mom and Dad so no matter what I suggest it's a bad suggestion.

You are right Ibake. Dad is gettin the aggrivation and the blame and Mom is getting off scott free. After one altercation my baby sister actually left Dad at AL with my fourth sister and took Mom out for the day and to a pizza lunch. So if Mom creates enough chaos she gets taken out for the day. It was not long before she was at it again. Nothing like rewarding bad behavior. Mom has been on various depression medications for the last 4 years but the results are the same. She is completely self absorbed and makes life miserable for anybody around her. After a major blow up she simmers for a while and the blows up again. She has already decided she doesn't want this sitter so I figure my sister's "plan" is not going to last long.

The washing and ironing is an obcessive compulsive behavior Martha. She is constantly complaining about the washers and dryers. She also takes laundry to different floors and loses it then swears somebody stold it. The staff catches her wrath. I also think it is something that she still thinks she can do. Because of her stubborness and temper she does have difficulties socializing but it's not her fault.... can't be her fault.

As for medication she has been on four different depression medications. The last one is Effexor. Then they changed it to Remeron and have recently upped the dosage. She also has prn Ativan and a sleeping pill. Dad is also on Remeron and prn Ativan but doesn't need a sleeping pill.... he sleeps like a baby for hours, dozing during the day.

I have been, from a distance, trying to encourage Mom to participate in activities with little success. I go often enough to sign her up for outtings. I sign her up, talked to her about them for days, call in time to be sure they are up and dressed, and call when it is time to walk out the door. Sometimes she goes and sometimes she doesn't. She doesn't like the things they do. There is always a complaint from Mom and a reason not to go. But then she cries that there is nothing to do.

I have two sisters that live 5 miles from the AL. They go when Mom wants something from the grocery store or when there is a disaster. Either could take Mom and Dad to their house for an afternoon. The last time my baby sister was truly angry with me she didn't go see Mom and Dad for a week. My other sister works full time and has somewhat of an "excuse".

Oh well... I have talked to my POA sister. Mom has decided she doesn't want this sitter so I don't see that lasting long. Mom's ability to process auditory is so poor that the Psychologist will empower her to continue what she is doing. She catches bits and peaces and weaves it into her thought process. I expect another major melt down soon. The facility knows that my POA sister and I are in favor of the separate rooms. For the moment the two of us have backed off. In order to go forward I have to let my baby sister fail. It's not far to either of my parents but especially Dad. I plan to go Monday to assess the situation for myself. In the mean time I am calling Mom several times a day to try to defuse her wrath.

Thank you both for your imput. It does help just to type it out and know that I am not crazy thinking they need separate roomes. Hugs to you both.

Love, deb

Would it work to remind the staff that the sister with the POA made the arrangements, not the "in town sister, who has NO LEGAL RIGHT?" Sometimes that shakes them up, unless they don't like to deal with her either! LOL....

I do feel for you. Perhaps when you are there this week, you can get the changes made and just say "Oh, it just happened! Let's see how it works for a while and we can change it back later." Would she make a fuss in front of the staff? Is it worth a try?

I feel for your dad. It's tough to be on the receiving end of the roller coaster of emotional *ell. I am suprised that your Mom's doc hasn't worked harder at finding something to calm her down though. With all the meds that are out there there has to be something that will help her in the long run...even if it's giving her a LARGE glass of wine!

keep us posted...I'm praying for you..and no, you are not crazy.

I had to shake my head and chuckle when you mentioned a LARGE glass of wine. They have Happy Hour at 3 PM for the residents. A couple of times a week they have wine, crackers and cheese. We got a call from AL that they had to "cut Mom off". They limit them to a glass or two apiece but she managed to get much more than her limit even though she swore to them she had only had one. Now she doesn't like to go to Happy Hour......

As for the authority. My baby sister was there when the papers were signed (by Mom) and is the one usually there, but I am the designated "responsible party" at the AL since I have the financial responsibility (specific financial POA and banking signatures) and it is another sister that has the durable POA and yet another sister that has the Medical POA. See the problem? It is actually the sister that has demanded control that has no control. For the most part we discuss and try to agree... except for the baby.

I am frustrated that they keep changing and increasing Dad's medication to control his aggression and they do very little to control Mom aggitating him. At this point Dad sleeps 13 hours a night and dozes during the day. Otherwise he sits and reads the comics in the newspaper. It takes a lot to push his buttons. His dementia is not ALZ. There are moments of sound logic in what he says but he doesn't remember what he just said. He has expressed that he is tired of her antics. The day he locked her out of the room he was just fed up. I truly feel sorry for him. He is and will always be my hero. I have to work hard not to build resentment towards Mom for the things she does....

I will see what I can do when I am there next week...

Love, deb

Deb,
Your dad has vascular dementia, right? That is what my father had also. The memory loss is a big issue with vascular dementia. Dad would sit and eat dinner with Mom, and when I would ask him how Mom did at dinner, he would tell me how should he know, she didn't eat with him that night. When Iwould remind him that he had had dinner with her, it would scare him that he was forgetting that much that soon. I think that was the most terrifying to him, more than the aneruism. He hated not having his memory..

I don't blame your father for wanting to shut your Mom out. Histronics can be very draining and exhausing. Perhaps you can force their hand about getting your mom on something else and leave your father alone. No sense making him out to be the bad guy all the time. Let them lay blame where it will do some good.

Maybe your mom doesn't like to go out or do things because she has caused a rucus and now they have told her to settle down so she has refused to play by their rules. You know, if I can't do it my way I don't want to do it at all....much like the glasses of wine...Perhaps that's why she is acting up with your dad. She isn't allowed to misbehave at group sessions, so she's taking it out on your father..or she won't go on group outings because she can't act as she chooses-so she chooses to act out on your poor father.... My mom snipped at dad a few times and it was like acid pouring out of her mouth. Lucky for us, the nurse just muved mom over for meds and I got dad out of the locked down unit...It didn't happen often with mom, but I don't know where that language came from!

I feel for you Deb.....better you drink the wine!

You are absolutely right Ibake. Dad has NO current memory but some how he does react with some amount of correctness to situations... much more so than Mom. Mom does this to Dad because she can. He is where she feels safe releasing her frustrations and she truly resents any intervention to her frustration releases. My sister went ahead with the sitter and it has been interesting listening to Mom's responses. She doesn't want anybody in the room with them. When Mom met the sitter Mom said she was boring. My best guess is that it limits Mom's ability to express her frustrations in Dad's direction. Mom did admit that she didn't know what to do outside of the room. Any suggestion made has met with excuses, complaints, and resistance. I think it comes down to Mom's inabilities and inappropriate actions. She is in that twilight zone where she gets little bits and pieces but not a complete picture. She knows something is not right but doesn't have a clue what or how to fix it. She doesn't have the cognitive abilities to do anything different. She is very stubborn!!! She has always been a "my way or the highway" type of person and that continues with a new vengence. I know she is depressed, frustrated, and scared but I do have to think about Dad. Mom keeps saying she wants to go home and everything will be ok. I know in my heart that what she is saying is that she wants to go back to the home she remembers 5 years ago when she didn't have ALZ..... and that doesn't exist anymore.

At the moment Mom has vented to the point of exhaustion and has calmed a bit. But I see the simmer still there and I am just waiting for the next flare up. In the mean time my baby sister is still trying to reason with Mom and let Mom make the decisions. We can't sell the house or van because Mom and Dad don't agree. She even bought season football tickets for the fall because Mom wanted to. Dad has been told by the doctor he can't walk that far and neither of them remember going last year. It was just a major headache as to how to get them there and who to go with them. And we have an appointment thursday for Mom to talk (with her auditory impairments that are major) to a Psychologist. I am leaving in the morning to spend a couple of days my parents and see what I can do.....

Thank you all for your support. I know this will work out.... one way or the other. It is just so frustrating especially being 3 hours away.......

Love, deb

Love, Deb

Hang in there Deb...it will be better when you are there to be able to put a hands on touch to it. Not that it will resolve it, but somehow you feel better being right there. It was always better when I was there. Not that I could changed the fact that Mom was still sliding down hill and Dad was a ticking aneuism bomb, but it made me feel better being right there.

And then I was always so glad to be there....and then to leave it was such a mixed emotion.....Hang in there babe...been there. done that.....you'll get through it...we're cheering for you

I spent two days with my parents, spent a few days with my daughter, and then spent this afternoon with my parents before I returned home. I am just sad......

They have changed Mom and Dad's medications. Mom was less aggressive but still aggitated/depressed (weepy more than anything). She was still aggitating Dad but to a lesser degree. The sitter came and I took Mom out. She was lost the entire time we were gone and cried several times. Then she refused to get out of the car so we went back to AL. Dad was frustrated when we got back. He likes to sit and read the funnies while he snoozes in his chair. Evidently the sitter wanted to "talk". His paranoia kicked in and he wanted to know what she wanted.

After I left my sister took Mom to the Psychologist.... without her cognitive reports. He determined that she was depressed (DUH!) That she was fanaticizing about the past when she was home. Again I say DUH!! She wants to be back in time, at home, when neither she nor Dad had dementia and is not able to bring herself to the present. Hello... I do believe the lady has ALZ. He did add another medication to her litany of behavior control medication and made another appointment. When I ask Mom about the appointment she told me (after prompted that she went to a doctor) that he had looked at her and she was fine. I really question the validity of "talk" therapy with an ALZ patient that has a documented major deficiency in her cognitive ability to process auditory input. On top of that she didn't have her hearing aid. She refuses to wear it. So the Psycologist told her to wear her hearing aid. I found it today laying on the table.

Mom has complained for weeks that my sisters that live near her never invite her to their house. One of my sisters did ask them to come over and Mom refused. She said Dad was tired. She didn't want to go out another time because Dad didn't feel well. She never speaks of her feelings.... it is always about Dad. Dad is upset or Dad doesn't like something or Dad doesn't feel well. She said Dad had a rant about not having his van. I have seen what happens there. Mom is in her unhappy zone and Dad ask why. She says because she is not home. He ask why they can't go home and she says because they don't have the van. He ask why and she says she doesn't know. Then Dad gets upset. Otherwise he never mentions home or the van.

Dad's medication has also been increased. He was slower today than he was even the first of the week. His past memory is regressing backwards. He has more trouble walking and snoozes in his chair. Mom was a little better today but I could not tell if it was just her trying to hold it together while I was there or real. This will all happen again....

I am going to say what I responded to earlier...... I wish for a fast progression of this disease. I love my parents enough to not want them to go through this. What is being done now is temporary at best and Mom will continue in her fantasy until she can no longer remember. I hate the effects the medications are having on Dad.

I also feel the loss of one of my sisters in this disease. Nothing I do or say is right so I have backed off from her. I find it better than the constant bickering. It is hard enough to deal with all that is going on with Mom and Dad withough being told your every thought and action is wrong. I know it is not true but I don't want to hear it either. So I spend time with my parents and do what I can and stay out of the chaotic drama. I do talk with my other two sisters. One I am very close with and we are of like mind so I will just hang on to the two that I can deal with until something changes.......

Beyond that I had a delightful time with my daughter. She has grown into an amazing adult. My daughter lives 15 minutes from the ocean so I spent many hours walking on the beach to get my head back in order as well. I did take a tumble onto the sidewalk on the way to a restaurant for supper Friday night and come home with scrapes, bumps, bruises, and sore muscles. Nothing like walking down a sidewalk one second and laying on the sidewalk the next to shake up your night. I have sent a letter off to the street maintenance division of the city because the plywood pyramid that I tripped on, which covered a trench through the sidewalk, was not marked effectively especially in the darkened street. I think I am glad to be home..... and going to bed.....

love, deb

Sorry about your bad day and your fall, Deb, hope all is well today.

I think I lost my sister altogether due to being Mom's caregiver. She kept in loose touch until Mom passed away, but now, nothing. I heard from my brother that she called him. Usually she sent emails to both of us together. Now not even that.

During my 5 year caregiving stint she was my chief critic and adversary, and I really did get MAD at her a couple of times. Instead of giving me some relief and taking Mom to stay with her for a few weeks, or coming to NY to stay in the apartment with Mom so I could go somewhere else for a while, she only criticised. She told me what I was doing wrong, made a fuss about things she knew nothing about. Now after 4 months she is just not contacting me. I feel sad. I lost my mother, why do I have to lose my sister as well?

This disease destroys families.

Love,

Martha

Really Deb,

One should not go away just to stub their body. It leaves such a bad taste in your mouth for vacations! tsk tsk. ;)

I'm sorry about your Dad. That hurts me the most. It's too bad that they don't realise that your Mom is transferring her emotions onto your father, and what she really feels is what she says is "dad's fault." But I guess that is her way of dealing with this, and then she is never at fault. We need to remember to enter their world now. It sounds like it is getting harder and harder for your Mom to be in this world.

The snoozing in the chair with your dad sounds like my daddy, which is a big part of the vascular dementia. It may be related to the increase in his drugs, but it is a very typical step of this trait of dementia. I watched daddy do this alot as he got older. Cherish your time with him and protect him. Is there any hope of getting them in separate rooms?

I'm glad you spent time with your daughter. Aren't grown-up kids neat? Try to stay upright on the sidewalk though, as it does embarass them somewhat when we fall down and such....;)

This disease does destroy families Martha. I am not the one present on a daily basis with my parents but I am more than willing to do anything I can and have made repeated trip to help with my parents before and after they went to AL. One phone call and I will drop what I am doing. Yet I come at the wrong time, don't give enough notice, do the wrong thing, or other complaints. Any suggestion I make is immediately negated. I will continue to do what I can but just have to minimize the unnecessary drama because there is too much stress.

Ibake, it is my Dad that distresses me the most. We have always had a special bond and he is my hero. Even in his dementia he is kind and protective. Sometimes overly so to the point of annoyance or paranoia but his intentions are not malicious. For the most part he wants to sit, read, and snooze. At this point my sister is determined to keep them together. All I can do is keep Mom as calm as possible with repeated phone calls and visits when I can.

Grown up kids are the best. My daughter has some problems growing up and went through a long dark depression that was scary but she has come through that in an amazing way. We now refer to that "other child I used to have" because she is in no way that same person. I had to laugh. When we returned to her apartment she came in with the peroxide and a cotton pad and started cleaning my scrapes. Of course I made faces and said it hurt. She snickered and just said.... payback for all the years you had to do this to me. We both laughed. She is very much my sanity in this chaos I call my life.

Thank you both for your caring and support. You are both a blessing to me. I am off to call Mom to see how her morning was....

Love, deb