I'm not really sure where to start with all this so it's probably easiest to go with the time line... Lost my grandma the day after xmas 04- she'd been ill with bowel then liver cancer and we looked after her in her own place, she didn't want to die in hospital so mum and I were with her when she did finally die. Then her sister, who I had been really close to, was like a second nan to me took ill and died the following august. We were all really upset by this but managed to cope with things. My dad had been diagnosed with lung cancer in jan 05 and had part of his lung removed that summer. He was still suffering with asbestosis but had been really great after his op, was almost like a new man. I went away to university that sept and things were starting to go great. Jan came and we were all starting to look forward to things going right for once, then I came home one weekend to visit and things changed. I felt that I really needed to spend time with my dad, so we went place, walked and talked for hours, never once did I think that it would be for the last time. For this I'm grateful that I got the chance to speak to my dad but wish i'd said so much more. The next day I drove the 2 hours back to uni and got into bed much later than usual. After bout an hour, I got a phone call from mum crying..... All she could say was that my dad was dead, she couldnt tell me anything else. I threw clothes on and got back into the car. All I can remember about that drive was torrential rain and high winds on the motorway and just wanting to get home. I was exhausted. I didn't get there til 4 in the morning. When I got back home, mum was back from the hospital. She told me that dad had been suffering from chest pains, then couldnt breathe so she called for an ambulance. When they got to hospital they were starting tests on him, then he just went. They tried to resuscitate him but he was gone. It was only then that she called me. I;ve spoken to mum about this, asking her she didnt call me when he was first taken to hospital, but she just says that she thought he was going to ok and she didnt want to worry me. He was in hospital for 2 hours before he died- enough time for her to have called me and for me to have driven back, but she didn't.
We've had plenty of arguements about this since and I've blamed her for denying me the chance to see my dad alive one last time and to be with him when he died like she was.
3 funerals later, and I've since had to leave university last year cos of having so much time off ill- first with depression and since last may fibromyalgia. Now I'm feeling guilty cos I'm jobless, soon to be homeless and I'll probably have to end up moving home with mum which I'm not sure that I can do cos of all the rows we've had. I really don't know what to do about things and i think it's too late to apologise to her?
Anyway I'm sorry to go on, I just needed to get this out of my system.
Thanks for reading.

Dear Poppy7,
First of all i'm sorry about all your losses, I lost my 18 yr old son in Jan 08 and can't imagine losing that many love ones.
All I can tell you as a mother, is that the last thing you want for your kids is to see them suffer, and your mother was trying to spare you the grief of seeing your father helpless. Only God knows why things happen the way they happen. You should be greatful you had that special time before your dad past, no one can take that away from you. Not only did your mother lose the love of her life, but she has to deal with the guilt of your feelings. So please talk to your mother, just speak with your heart. Let go of all those negative feelings, and you will feel like a new woman. Focus on today, because you can not do nothing about the past and the future is not here. I have learned to live the present, take one day at a time and live that day like is the last day of my life. I ask myself, "what would I do if this is my last day here on earth?"


Remember that God is always with us. Speak to him and he will give you the answer.

God Bless:angel:

gkbmom, thank you. I've spoken to mum and although things are still raw, we can now talk and smile together about life. Small steps but at least we're headed in the right direction.
God bless x